Death By Plot Holes: The Beginning
Disclaimer: We don't own any of these characters, with the exception of Cathie and the Mary-Sue's, although it's not like we created Mary-Sue's, either. We are not the Mary-Sue's; we simply mock them.
Warning: There is some implied slash, or is it? Many Horn of Gondor references, so if you are disgusted by old forms of communication, be weary.
Rating: PG13
Pairings: Well if we told you, that wouldn't be very much fun, would it?
Chapter 1: The Beginning
Cathie had been travelling across Canada, looking for the perfect small town to study for her doctorate dissertation. Finally she had found it, in little, remote McBride. On her first day there, she walked into the library. It was clearly in need of renovation. An unbelievably beautiful librarian glided over to her, holding books in several different languages. "Mae govannen" she said, or sang, Cathie couldn't tell. "I'm Mary-Sue." Just then, for no apparent reason, Legolas walked in.
"Mary-Sue!" He proclaimed "at last I have found you, after searching all of middle earth and several dimensions for you, including one where I got my ass kicked by some girl named Buffy, who said I was too tall to be an elf." Cathie decided that was her cue to leave.
Legolas and Mary-Sue embraced. Mary-Sue was very happy, until Aragorn walked into the door. "Legolas! You have been tricked! I have been cursed by a demon-woman named Anya who tricked dear Eowyn into taking revenge over me by having the person I love most-friend or lover- fall in love with someone else and abandon me."
Eowyn ran into the library. "Oh Aragorn, I am so very sorry for the trouble I caused," she said, "I really thought I loved you, but it was simply your manliness. But I have fallen in love with Faramir. So the curse is released."
"GET OFF ME YOU ANNOYING LITTLE BRAT" said Legolas to Mary-Sue.
Mary-Sue whimpered away, but not before saying, "I will be back for one of you, just you wait! It could be Boromir, it could be Frodo, or it could even be...Arwen! But probably Legolas."
Arwen ran into the library. "Oh Aragorn, I thought...I thought...what are you doing to me? Now I shall have to marry Figwit!" Arwen collapsed into a heap.
Legolas and Aragorn where embracing. Eowyn gave Arwen Cosmo to read. It seemed to calm her down.
So anyway Cathie (yeah, remember her) was walking down the street, past a doctor's office, when a large man walked straight into her. "Oof" he said, wincing, as she stepped back. "Are you a witch?"
"Not that I know of," replied Cathie, wondering if she had gone completely insane. Then she realized she wasn't the one going on about witches. "And if I were it would hardly be any business of yours whoever you are."
Of course, right after she said this she remembered what a bad idea it is to antagonize crazy people.
"I am Boromir of Gondor" he said, and while he looked the part, Horn of Gondor and all, she knew very well that Boromir dies, because everybody knows Boromir dies.
Cathie thought for a second. "So, Mr Boromir, would you like to get some coffee?" Boromir nodded, so they went to the café. They had very pleasant conversation, and suddenly Cathie said, "So would you like me to finger your horn?"
Boromir looked confused, and then handed Cathie the horn. "You may look at the horn, but what is this of "fingering" it? It is to be blown."
"No, no, I meant you're OTHER horn" she said, rubbing her foot against his leg.
Boromir smiled. They went to a motel. Cathie thought to herself, "Lucky guy, he gets to kiss Aragorn...but I doubt lucky for him...might as well give him some. What I do for charity".
*Insert overly detailed descriptions of anatomy and general smuttiness* Afterwards Cathie looked over at Boromir, and at the scars on his chest and, biting her lip, asked the nagging question. "So, um, how are you not dead without hurting the plot?"
Boromir looked thoughtful for a moment then replied, "Well, let's put it this way: no matter what you have to say about B.C.'s health care system, it's way better than in the woods in the middle of nowhere. But I think I did die for a moment there, you know, out of body experience, saw a bright light and all that."
Cathie looked blankly at him.
Boromir decided to explain more fully, in case the young Non- Gondorian did not understand. "Aragorn's kiss woke me up. I thought it was perhaps Galadriel, but no, 'twas Aragorn," said Boromir. "and so I fainted. The waterfall revived me, and Galadriel had seen it all, and had sent her folk to gather me. I then spent many wonderful years hiding in Galadriel's home."
Cathie thought for a moment, and then said, "Would you like to go the library and be reunited with some of your kin?"
Boromir nodded.
Meanwhile, in the library, Arwen was calming down. Legolas and Aragorn were talking and holding hands. This made Eowyn want her Faramir very badly, but alas, Faramir had no cell phone. This gave Eowyn and idea that would solve many problems. She would send Legolas and Aragorn to find him-which would mean Arwen would not have to watch any more of Legolas and Aragorn's deep friendship for the moment. It would also allow time for Aragorn and Legolas to HAVE some male bonding time and bring Faramir to Eowyn.
"Aragorn, Legolas, would you mind finding dear Faramir for me and bringing him here?" said Eowyn.
Legolas and Aragorn lept at the chance for more, erm, "adventures".
Disclaimer: We don't own any of these characters, with the exception of Cathie and the Mary-Sue's, although it's not like we created Mary-Sue's, either. We are not the Mary-Sue's; we simply mock them.
Warning: There is some implied slash, or is it? Many Horn of Gondor references, so if you are disgusted by old forms of communication, be weary.
Rating: PG13
Pairings: Well if we told you, that wouldn't be very much fun, would it?
Chapter 1: The Beginning
Cathie had been travelling across Canada, looking for the perfect small town to study for her doctorate dissertation. Finally she had found it, in little, remote McBride. On her first day there, she walked into the library. It was clearly in need of renovation. An unbelievably beautiful librarian glided over to her, holding books in several different languages. "Mae govannen" she said, or sang, Cathie couldn't tell. "I'm Mary-Sue." Just then, for no apparent reason, Legolas walked in.
"Mary-Sue!" He proclaimed "at last I have found you, after searching all of middle earth and several dimensions for you, including one where I got my ass kicked by some girl named Buffy, who said I was too tall to be an elf." Cathie decided that was her cue to leave.
Legolas and Mary-Sue embraced. Mary-Sue was very happy, until Aragorn walked into the door. "Legolas! You have been tricked! I have been cursed by a demon-woman named Anya who tricked dear Eowyn into taking revenge over me by having the person I love most-friend or lover- fall in love with someone else and abandon me."
Eowyn ran into the library. "Oh Aragorn, I am so very sorry for the trouble I caused," she said, "I really thought I loved you, but it was simply your manliness. But I have fallen in love with Faramir. So the curse is released."
"GET OFF ME YOU ANNOYING LITTLE BRAT" said Legolas to Mary-Sue.
Mary-Sue whimpered away, but not before saying, "I will be back for one of you, just you wait! It could be Boromir, it could be Frodo, or it could even be...Arwen! But probably Legolas."
Arwen ran into the library. "Oh Aragorn, I thought...I thought...what are you doing to me? Now I shall have to marry Figwit!" Arwen collapsed into a heap.
Legolas and Aragorn where embracing. Eowyn gave Arwen Cosmo to read. It seemed to calm her down.
So anyway Cathie (yeah, remember her) was walking down the street, past a doctor's office, when a large man walked straight into her. "Oof" he said, wincing, as she stepped back. "Are you a witch?"
"Not that I know of," replied Cathie, wondering if she had gone completely insane. Then she realized she wasn't the one going on about witches. "And if I were it would hardly be any business of yours whoever you are."
Of course, right after she said this she remembered what a bad idea it is to antagonize crazy people.
"I am Boromir of Gondor" he said, and while he looked the part, Horn of Gondor and all, she knew very well that Boromir dies, because everybody knows Boromir dies.
Cathie thought for a second. "So, Mr Boromir, would you like to get some coffee?" Boromir nodded, so they went to the café. They had very pleasant conversation, and suddenly Cathie said, "So would you like me to finger your horn?"
Boromir looked confused, and then handed Cathie the horn. "You may look at the horn, but what is this of "fingering" it? It is to be blown."
"No, no, I meant you're OTHER horn" she said, rubbing her foot against his leg.
Boromir smiled. They went to a motel. Cathie thought to herself, "Lucky guy, he gets to kiss Aragorn...but I doubt lucky for him...might as well give him some. What I do for charity".
*Insert overly detailed descriptions of anatomy and general smuttiness* Afterwards Cathie looked over at Boromir, and at the scars on his chest and, biting her lip, asked the nagging question. "So, um, how are you not dead without hurting the plot?"
Boromir looked thoughtful for a moment then replied, "Well, let's put it this way: no matter what you have to say about B.C.'s health care system, it's way better than in the woods in the middle of nowhere. But I think I did die for a moment there, you know, out of body experience, saw a bright light and all that."
Cathie looked blankly at him.
Boromir decided to explain more fully, in case the young Non- Gondorian did not understand. "Aragorn's kiss woke me up. I thought it was perhaps Galadriel, but no, 'twas Aragorn," said Boromir. "and so I fainted. The waterfall revived me, and Galadriel had seen it all, and had sent her folk to gather me. I then spent many wonderful years hiding in Galadriel's home."
Cathie thought for a moment, and then said, "Would you like to go the library and be reunited with some of your kin?"
Boromir nodded.
Meanwhile, in the library, Arwen was calming down. Legolas and Aragorn were talking and holding hands. This made Eowyn want her Faramir very badly, but alas, Faramir had no cell phone. This gave Eowyn and idea that would solve many problems. She would send Legolas and Aragorn to find him-which would mean Arwen would not have to watch any more of Legolas and Aragorn's deep friendship for the moment. It would also allow time for Aragorn and Legolas to HAVE some male bonding time and bring Faramir to Eowyn.
"Aragorn, Legolas, would you mind finding dear Faramir for me and bringing him here?" said Eowyn.
Legolas and Aragorn lept at the chance for more, erm, "adventures".