AN: This story is AU following an altered version of events at the end of HBP. This will be quite lengthy and will earn its M rating in later chapters. Updates should be expected once or twice a week.
Disclaimer: Everything you recognize is J.K.'s. No money is made. I'm just playing with them for a while.
Calm. Calm and dark. For as fast as his mind was spinning in that moment, those were the only two observations that Severus could grasp, the only two conclusions drawn from his senses that he could brand with a name. A heavy sort of darkness that planted the thick soles of his boots flush with the smooth stone of the tower, a tight blackness that squared his shoulders and straightened his elbow as he raised his ebony wand against the one man who offered at least the illusion of redemption. His expression inscrutable, hiding the revulsion at seeing Bellatrix's slow, drugged smile and Greyback's collapsing, half-bared chest he shifted his weight to his heels, allowing it to look as if he was giving Draco the opportunity to follow through on the Dark Lord's orders.
"DO it, Draco!" hissed Bellatrix, her chin resting in the hollow of her nephew's shoulder, eyes locked on Dumbledore's hunched form with a desperate, manic glee.
Draco's lip quivered as his wand arm lowered and shifted slightly to the left, a movement that went unnoticed by the others in the room but sent a clear message to both Severus and Dumbledore. The Professor felt the shaky tendrils of connection in the forefront of his mind and he reached out to them desperately, sure that Dumbledore had one last piece of information to feed to his spy, one reason to believe that he wasn't insane for agreeing to the planning made by a dying man. Waiting for the murmur of the old man's voice, Severus was surprised when the faint flickers of a memory skirted along the edges of his consciousness, made stronger as he felt Dumbledore set his jaw and continue. Still surveying the physical scene in front of him with a fraction of his attention, he settled himself inside Dumbledore's mind to watch what he was sure to be his direction for the rest of the war, for the rest of the time he would bleed to keep Lily Potter's son alive.
Spring 1976
The infirmary was still in the late hour, with all beds unoccupied save one. Severus watched as a much younger Dumbledore slowly approached the bed where his teenaged self lay, the deep breathing and loose jaw easy indicators of a dreamless sleep.
"Ah, Headmaster- if you were planning on speaking to Mr. Snape I'm afraid it will have to wait until morning, I've only just set him to sleep and he'll need time before his skin re-grows, I'm planning on keeping-"
"No need, Poppy, no need. I simply came to inquire upon the condition of Mr. Snape's injury. You are certain that there's no chance of infection?"
"None, headmaster. The wounds themselves were shallow, although how he managed to get away from a werewolf with his life is beyond me…a werewolf, headmaster! How was I not informed? There are potions, healers much more qualified than I who should be notified that the school is opening up its students to this kind of attack…" Poppy stiffly replied, with deliberate emphasis on just who was to blame.
" You are well aware of the consequences should anyone become aware of Mr. Lupin's condition, it is a delicate situation for all involved."
Poppy's grip tightened on the chart in her hand as she took one step toward Snape's bed.
"What's delicate headmaster is that I had to treat a terrified, incoherent child for a wound that was well outside of my experience on direct orders that I not contact anyone at St. Mungo's. You have my loyalty, Albus but do know that I made an oath."
Dumbledore shifted. "Poppy, under any other circumstances I would of course encourage you to seek any avenue available to secure the health of our charges-"
"-My charges"
Dumbledore's eyes narrowed slightly at this. "While you are undoubtedly welcome to entertain your own opinions of this terrible event, I must ask you respect the position I am in, all of the children at this school are under my care."
Poppy bristled once more, her chin set defiantly as it was clear that fatigue and fear for the young man asleep behind her narrowed her patience already that night. "They are under your authority, Albus. They are in my care. Mr. Snape almost died tonight, and yet you still sought my discretion first!" Shrinking back at her own volume she lowered her gaze before letting out a breathless chuckle, "Although I suppose some good will come of this, I imagine young Mr. Snape and I will be seeing much less of one another with Mr. Black gone."
"And where is it you would have Mr. Black go?" Dumbledore added, his head quirked to the side in mock curiosity.
"Well surely he is to be expelled! His carelessness and disregard almost resulted in the death of a student and a werewolf set loose on the grounds! That warrants more than a scrubbing of the walls of the owlery!"
"And just how would you have me explain his expulsion? To punish Mr. Black would be to punish Mr. Lupin much more severely. Of course you are not partial to his exposure…"
"Of course not, Albus!" Poppy added, the stress of the night set squarely upon her shoulders. "But so long as we are handing passes for innocence, Mr. Snape did nothing this night but answer to Mr. Black's taunts! From what he told me between screams, screams, Albus…he went to the tunnel based on a prior summons from Mr. Black. This was planned! This was not some impulsive schoolboy prank!"
"I am sure that had a confrontation taken place, Mr. Snape would not hesitate to raise his wand. We can only be thankful for Mr. Potter's good conscience and quick thinking."
Poppy took another step back from the headmaster, her bottom flush with the edge of the infirmary bed. Her eyes cleared as she stared at him, as if seeing him for the first time. The tension in her body hunched her shoulders as she let out a shaky breath as if admitting defeat. "You have my word, headmaster. Nothing will be said."
"Thank you, Poppy. I'm sure Mr. Snape will be awake soon enough to thank you for your efforts. Try to rest and I will return in the morning."
The memory flickered once more in the front of Severus' mind, greying and then coming into grainy focus inside the Headmaster's office.
Severus felt his throat constrict as he saw Black and Potter sitting in front of the Headmaster's desk, the dog slumped with uncertainty and Potter casting worried glances to his friend every few seconds. With startling clarity, he knew, he knew it was still the night of the attack as he saw Potter in the same rumpled sleep clothes and trainers that he wore when he hauled him out of the tunnel and formed that damned life debt. How he tortured himself all those years ago- wondering what was said, what reasoning Black gave to Dumbledore to allow him to walk free with a fucking detention for attempted murder.
Dumbledore steepled his fingers before resting his elbows on the polished wood of his desk. "Mr. Snape is currently in the infirmary sleeping off the worst of his recovery." Sirius exhaled audibly at this. "He is thankfully not infected and your friend will be able to remain at the school. Mr. Black, is there anything you would like to add?"
"Am I to be expelled, headmaster?" Black asked meekly.
Of course that's the first question he asks. Severus tasted blood in his mouth as he bit down on his tongue, clamping down on the anger rising in his body to tangible levels as he wondered why the hell Dumbledore was showing him this now, when his own death was minutes away. Was this some sort of overdue apology? A lunatic's attempt at gallows humor?
Memory-Dumbledore turned his gaze to Black, before quirking his lips up in a tiny smile. "No, Mr. Black, you will retain your position at this school." At this, both Black and Potter exchanged relieved looks. "However, I must remind you that your actions have consequences and had your friend not intervened tonight, you would be indirectly responsible for not only the death of a peer, but in the exposure and condemnation of Mr. Lupin."
Indirectly responsible? He told Black that he was only indirectly responsible for what happened?
Black squirmed in the armchair, turning his body away from the fire. "Of course Headmaster. It was only a prank! I only wanted to give him a scare! Snape's always coming after us; we just wanted him to back off a bit! It was only a prank!" Black cried, his voice thick with hysteria as he felt his position as one of Gryffindor's golden boys slipping through the Headmaster's hands.
"I would hate to think you capable of doing something like this as anything other than just a prank, Mr. Black. As it stands you will serve detention with Mr. Filch this Friday and you will not be accompanying your friends on the next Hogsmeade weekend."
A detention and a trip to Zonko's? That's what it cost him?
"Of course, Headmaster, thank you. I apologize if you are disappointed in me." At this Dumbledore smiled, standing up slowly from his chair and clasping an arm on Black's shoulder.
"Foolishness is not simply a symptom of youth, Mr. Black. However, it would be best if you would keep this level of recklessness behind you, my boy. Now, it has been a tiring night for us all and there are two beds in Gryffindor tower that should never have been empty this night. Understood?"
"Yes, Headmaster." Black and Potter replied in chorus.
Sinking back into his chair, Dumbledore took off his glasses and rubbed a weary hand over his brow as the two young Gryffindors shot each other nervous grins and bounded down the staircase.
Severus gritted his teeth, his wand still aimed at the Headmaster and fury boiling deep within him as he realized that time was running short. Bellatrix's ragged nails now clung desperately to Draco's jacket, nearly puncturing the thick material. Why would he show him this now? It was clear Draco would not be able to follow through with his task, and just as the curse unfurled tightly in his mouth he saw her face in his mind. Her. Always at the worst times.
He was once again solidly inside Dumbledore's mind, unsure if he ever left or if his anger drove the old man out. The old man's health was truly failing now, one of the most powerful Legilimens in the wizarding world was reduced to projecting memories with grainy texture and muted sound that showed like flashes of lightning in his mind.
It must have been Valentine's Day. Ridiculous glitter was scattered along the corridors, the small pink hearts that gathered on the ground moved by a recycling charm to fall once more from the ceiling. It was clearly past curfew; the corridors were shadowed from the torches lining the wall and empty, save for an odd professor or two out for rounds. Severus watched as Dumbledore rounded a corner before coming up short on James Potter and Lily pressed up against the castle wall. Instead of reprimanding the rule-breaking Head Boy and Girl, he stopped behind a suit of armor and watched with twinkling eyes as James Potter reached down and scooped up a handful of the fallen hearts and dusted them over her fiery hair. Severus felt his breath fall short in his chest as Lily giggled and grabbed James by the tie, sliding her lips over his and running her fingers through his perpetually windswept hair. She pulled back and straightened his glasses and Severus heard her whisper even through Dumbledore's failing attempts at projection, "I love you, James."
Calling on every reserve of strength he had left in his mind, Severus stopped himself from crumpling at her words as Dumbledore sent him image after image. James and Lily's wedding. Lily sliding her hand over James' shoulder as she sat down beside him at an Order meeting. Lily bounding up happily from her chair to greet Black at yet another fucking Order meeting. An Order meeting that was called because of information he bled for. Dumbledore holding an infant Harry and informing them that they must go into hiding. The look of disgust on Dumbledore's face as he knelt before him in that clearing, all those years ago.
Severus could take no more. Breaking the connection with all the finesse of a battering ram, he reeled back and glared at the Headmaster. He knew exactly what Dumbledore was playing at now, providing him with the ammunition to deliver a spectacularly believable Killing Curse, one that allowed no room to question his loyalties. Using her against me, still, after I have agreed to do everything according to his thrice-damned plan, twisted my obligation so for some sick reason I suffer for him as much as I suffer for her…
His contemplations of Dumbledore's manipulations were cut short as the old man rasped quietly from his cowering figure
"Severus. Please…"
Steadying his wand, he stepped up behind Draco so as to move him aside and as his robes settled once more around him, the moonlight cut further into the room. The silver light played on Greyback's form, illuminating a flicking tongue that traced his incisors and a gleaming chain strained against the thick hair on his meaty forearms.
Draco whirled around, his back catching Severus' side, teeth clenched and eyes narrowed as he advanced on Greyback. "Where. Did. You. Get. That." he spat, transforming immediately from cowering child to newly initiated Death Eater.
Greyback smiled wickedly, fingering the chain on his arm and in the new light Severus recognized the piece at once. It was one of Narcissa's favored pieces of jewelry, surprisingly understated for a woman of her vanity and position, three rows of fine silver interlocking chains, goblin-made and extremely resilient.
"A gift from the Dark Lord. Or was your mother the gift?" Greyback snarled. "He knew you wouldn't be able to take out Dumbledore. And he doesn't even have a wand! And you Still. Can't. Do. It. Just like your father, a coward, a failure, hiding behind Narcissa's robes to take the punishment for the sniveling Malfoys…and what a pretty robe it is at that…"
Draco snapped then. Knowing that Greyback liked…souvenirs and all too familiar with the shadows lining Narcissa's and Lucius' faces, Severus watched as Draco took one shaking step toward the werewolf and snapped up his wand. Greyback staggered back a few paces, nails raking over his face as blisters sprang up in neat lines over his body. Severus turned his eyes to the Headmaster, now swaying dangerously close to the edge of the tower, his breath escaping in loud, garbled rasps as Draco's voice cut clearly through the tension.
"Avada Kedavra!" Draco yelled cleanly, summoning the poise and calculated cruelty that Lucius displayed so proudly before being broken by the Dark Lord. Greyback's last breath puffed out in a surprised whoosh, his thick torso bending backward over his legs as his body crashed into the Headmaster's, both figures sprawling inelegantly over the edge of the tower, one beast already dead and one wizard seconds from it.
Seconds later a sickening thump trailed up from the ground below. Severus fought the bile rising up from the pit of his stomach as he calmly stalked to the edge of the tower and gazed down and the mangled bodies.
Pushed aside by Bellatrix's small frame and sickened by her coos of praise given to a stunned Draco, Severus flattened his palm against the cool stone of the wall and attempted to gather his thoughts. This was not how it was supposed to happen. Later, when the Dark Lord would rifle through Draco's thoughts for a replay of tonight's action he would see hesitation from not one but two of his followers. Draco, he would expect. Did he not expect him to fail this whole time anyway? But no, he would see the hesitation of his spy; he would see the hate in his eyes but also the inaction. Unnoticeable to anyone but a gifted Legilimens, his master would surely focus on the silent conversation held between him and Dumbledore, and he would not rest until he knew exactly what was said…and that….that was one lie he could not spin. For what could he say? That Dumbledore was pleading for his life? Say that old fool was trying to sway his loyalty? No, because Dumbledore said that aloud! No, and he would not be given Hogwarts for this failure, it would be given to Lucius, now newly reinstated in favor by the actions of his son. Or if the Dark Lord was feeling particularly malefic, Bellatrix. His stomach rolled at the thought.
Without the protection of the school and the use of the portraits there is no way he could keep the students safe from the Dark Lord. Hogwarts would soon be made a torture chamber for those whose parents did not have the Dark Mark, a nightmare and a tomb for those of less pure blood. His usefulness as a spy gone, the Dark Lord would revisit all of the instances in which Bellatrix questioned his loyalty, his motivation…a notion that the witch herself knew, as she turned to him with heavy-lidded eyes and bared her teeth.
Going to the Dark Lord now would be going to his death, and while that idea didn't seem unappealing at the moment, leaving Lily's son to murdered because of his failure sure as hell did not. He would not bring about the deaths of Lily's entire family.
He could not. He would not have the blood of another Potter on his hands.
How did everything spin out of his control so quickly? More to the truth, how did the sprawling arms of a werewolf and the wounded pride of a child thwart Dumbledore's meticulous planning so brilliantly?
Seeing Potter begin to stir from the release of Dumbledore's spell, he sent a silent stunner his way followed by a reluctant cushioning charm. He wouldn't put it past the boy to crack his skull before he could rush in to save the wizarding world wand blazing.
Following the gleeful Death Eaters and a still silent Draco through the corridors and ignoring the shattering glass and flames trailing behind Bellatrix in her wake, Severus knew a decision had to be reached. Forget the plan. It just all went to ashes anyway. Hogwarts would truly be the Dark Lord's and he would be dead before the sun came up.
Passing through the gates and the last of the school's protective wards, he took a pained, last glance up at the castle and wondered not for the first time how he always managed to royally fuck up everything that matters.
Perhaps they were right. All of them. His father, Potter, Black, even Lily the last time she spoke with him…and Dumbledore, the last words he whispered in his mind before he waited for Severus to deal him the killing blow and be crucified for it…
As each Death Eater touched their wand to their mark and disapparated, Severus kept to the back, left his wand at his side and whooshed away to Spinner's End to figure out what he next move would be.
They were right. All of them.
He was a coward.
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