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HOGWARTS: A HISTORY…of scandal?
By special correspondent Rita Skeeter
Illegal time traveling. Clandestine love affairs with teachers. Students engaging in sexual activities in the castle. Sound like a bad porn movie? Well, it's not. It seems to be the norm at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry according to a popular website (for a definition of a website, see the sidebar column, Computers: Another Muggle Contraption or a Useful Wizarding Tool).
It would appear that students have had access to time turners and some have actually traveled back in time, farther than the normal hour or two meant with time turner use. In fact, according to this website, students have actually traveled way back in time. More than once! My web source says that these students have gone back to different eras and even went back to the days of the Marauders and interacted with them! The Marauders, if you recall, is the name of the group of Hogwarts students infamous for their pranks. The group included James Potter, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew. Black and Lupin are the only two members who survive. Black, a fugitive from Azkaban, is believed to have mysteriously disappeared from Hogwarts a few years ago. Could that have been the result of a stray time turner?
I asked Headmaster Dumbledore if he is aware of students traveling back and forth in time. He replied, "I don't believe it is possible to travel more than a few hours backward or forward in time. I also do not believe any student here would engage in such activities. Lemon drop?"
Gryffindor student, Hermione Granger, admitted to time turner use in her third year. She claims she has never gone back more than an hour or two and that was just so she could take extra classes.
"My time turner use was approved through the Ministry of Magic. Professor McGonagall requested it for me so that I could take more classes."
When asked if she ever used the time turner to go back twenty years or so, the student firmly stated that no, she did not.
But, according to my website source, Miss. Granger has indeed gone back in time. Apparently, she has had many adventures with her two best friends, Ron Weasley and Harry Potter. They have gone back in time and met with the infamous Marauders together, and quite a few times Miss Granger has gone alone.
Which brings me to another scandal rocking the bricks at Hogwarts. When Miss Granger travels through time alone, it seems she has had quite a few "affairs" with students from another time. When she comes back to her proper time, these students are men approximately 20 years her senior! What on earth would such an intelligent young witch be doing with such an older wizard? I confronted Miss Granger on this and she appeared to be shocked! "I have never done such a thing! I would not involve myself with an older man!" I showed her documentation of her illicit affairs. Some of these affairs happened with teachers such as Remus Lupin and Severus Snape. Miss Granger grew rather angry and stormed away. Could this be a sign of her guilt? My web source has revealed Miss Granger involved with Potions Master Severus Snape while still a student. It also has revealed Miss Granger being inrelationships with former DADA professor, Remus Lupin, Sirius Black and even in some cases, suspected Death Eater Lucius Malfoy. My, our Miss Granger gets around! I confronted Headmaster Dumbledore about this interesting item. He replied, "Well, I really don't believe Miss Granger would engage in any sort of relationship with any of those gentlemen. Nor do I believe any of these gentlemen would engage in an improper relationship with such a young lady. I will, however, check into these allegations. Lemon drop?"
Speaking of illicit affairs, it seems the staff at Hogwarts does not have much of a handle on these hormonal teenagers. According to my web source, these students are engaging in sexual activities just about everywhere in the castle! The astronomy tower, a wonderful spot for star gazing, seems to be the "sex hot spot". Many students apparently use this tower to relieve their sexual tensions. And the library is not just for essay research anymore! It seems students are using the library for anatomy research instead! On one another! What is Madame Pince, Hogwarts' Librarian doing about this?
"I don't believe that anything that inappropriate is happening in my library among my precious books," she informed me.
My web source has also revealed a secret marriage decree. It appears that the Ministry of Magic has forced certain students who are aged 17 and muggleborn to marry other wizards or witches who are older and purebloods. The Ministry emphatically denied this, saying no such decree has ever been made. But, my web source shows that muggleborns aged 17 and up who are not married will be forced to marry a pureblood in a matter of months or be forced to surrender their wands. My web source was not totally clear on who married whom, but it seemed to me that such couples as Hermione Granger and Draco Malfoy were forced to marry, even though they are still students. I even found documentation saying that Miss Granger was forced to marry Professor Snape. I tried to ask Professor Snape but he just slammed his office door in my face. Draco Malfoy, however, was more than happy to comment on this.
"What in the bloody hell are you talking about," he exclaimed! "Me, marry a mudblood? No way in hell that is happening! Who signed this decree?"
Mr. Malfoy vowed to check this web source, once he finds a computer and learns how to use it.
Time traveling. Illicit affairs. Inappropriate sexual activity. Forced marriages. What is going on at Hogwarts? We may never know the real truth. Is my web source correct? Well, 190,000 posts can't be wrong, right? Lemon drop, indeed.