Hello again. Right, I finally seem to be back in the writing zone and am feeling inspired. I can't guarantee you I will update this every day because I have a busy two weeks coming up, but it will be as regularly as I can make it. I hope you enjoy.

Oh, and thank you so much for all the lovely PMs and emails from people saying how much they've missed my writing. It means a lot and the thought that people actually might be interested in what I am writing is certainly helping me get pen to paper again. Special thanks to Anny and Meggi, as always, for being saints in putting up with my strange rambling emails! :)

So here is part 1, of not sure how many parts yet - lets see how we go!

To look out for you

The definition of belonging

Belong: verb; be the property of, be a member of, be rightly placed in a specified position

Sam Nicholls

Since her arrival in Holby there had been days when Sam had genuinely been excited about going to work at the E.D., however she couldn't help but note as she walked through the entrance to her workplace that these were becoming less frequent by every passing week. The chance to spend nine months working alongside her husband had been too good an opportunity to turn down when the secondment had been offered to her upon her return from Helmand, yet despite them now being on better terms than they had been at any point in the past two years facing up to the shift in their relationship from spouses to just colleagues was becoming more difficult to bear the further he seemed to move away from her.

She strolled through the department and made straight for the staffroom to drop her coat and bag in her locker, knowing full well that she could guarantee it would be buzzing with colleagues making breakfast, drinking coffee and chatting about their previous night's escapades. Sam had willingly joined in the post-shift debriefs that seemed to be occurring on an almost daily basis these days, but that was because their focus was mainly work related. She had never been able to comprehend why so many of her fellow medics spent such a considerable amount of their day, before, during and after work mindlessly chatting to each other. She smiled to herself as the thought crossed her mind that sometimes she sounded more like Dylan than she ever cared to admit, but the happy look drained from her face as she entered the packed out staff area and was confronted by a sea of people she didn't really have the energy or inclination to talk to.

As usual she fought her way through the crowded room and over to her locker, remaining stationary with her back to her colleagues as she readied herself for her working day. Sam considered that it wasn't as if she didn't like these people, she had worked with them now for several months and had become accustomed to their ways and processes more than she had ever intended to on that very first day in the department. Back then she had been quite happy to do things her own way, regardless of the consequences or the impact on anyone else, yet she had tempered that over the past months with a desire to be part of this team. That was why it felt unfortunate to her that she had allowed herself to get close enough to them all that she could see what she could have if she stayed long term just at the point when she realised all she wanted to do was to get as far away from Holby and certain individuals in it as quickly as possible.

"Sam," a familiar female voice called out from across the staffroom. "Did you have a good night last night?"

Sam hoped she kept the puzzlement she was feeling at Zoe's question from her face as she turned round to face her older colleague, who had appeared beside her.

"You said you had plans?" Zoe questioned and Sam knew that the woman had picked up on her complete lack of understanding of the previous question.

"Yeah, it was a really good night," Sam lied through her teeth, forcing herself to smile to increase her chances in coming across as convincing. "Sorry, I'm a bit tired this morning – it was a bit of a late one. You know how it is."

For a brief moment she saw a slightly odd look, bemusement perhaps, cross Zoe's face and she cursed herself for feeling the need to make up stories the previous day. It had just been one of those shifts where everyone, bar Dylan, had felt the need for team bonding time down the pub before they went home and despite a large part of her wanting to spend some time with the few people in the department she genuinely had affection for, Jeff and Dixie for example, she had not wanted to spend a single moment longer in Zoe's company than she had to. Sam knew she could just have excused herself, like Dylan successfully did every single time, but for some reason she had had this compelling urge to portray to Dr Hanna that she actually had a life away from Holby City E.D. despite the fact that this was far from the case.

"Sam, you dirty stop out," a loud Scottish voice came from behind her, punctuating her trail of thought. "So who is he then? This new bloke of yours?"

It was in the momentary silence that fell across the staffroom immediately after that question that Sam looked over Zoe's shoulder and noticed Dylan's gruff frame in the doorway, having obviously heard every word.

"Excuse me," Dylan said curtly, pushing between people to get to his own locker just in front of where Sam was standing. She caught Zoe's mortified look for a second before turning back and shutting her own locker's door, determined not to make eye contact with her ex in front of the entire team, who had remained in a hushed state since Dylan's untimely arrival. She could feel her heart pounding unnecessarily loudly in her chest and the feeling of time standing still washed over her as she wished that the ground would just open up and swallow her whole.

"Dr Nicholls?" boomed Mr Jordan's voice across the crowded room, causing Sam to nearly jump out of her own skin and snap her head back round towards the doorway. "A word please. The rest of you get to work."

She took a deep breath as she felt her face redden slightly at being singled out in front of her colleagues yet again. The embarrassment and humiliation of the situation that had just occurred with her husband was still fresh in her mind and here she was being summonsed to see her boss and all before she had even seen a patient never mind treated one.

That very same husband was still standing by his own locker, so she carefully went to sidestep him to exit the room only to have him move backwards to allow her to pass. Sam knew that their momentary shared look would have gone unnoticed by the majority, but she saw a flicker of disappointment in Dylan's eyes, a look she remembered far too well from all the previous times she had caused him to distrust her yet again.

"Dr Nicholls," Mr Jordan's voice again called from the doorway. "Today would be useful."

She dropped her gaze and stepped in front of Dylan, passing him without so much as a second glance knowing that she wouldn't be able to keep her emotions in check if she looked back. It was at times like this that she wished she had changed her name to Keogh when she had gotten married, because hearing Dr Nicholls day in, day out was another constant reminder of everything that she had lost. In fact it was second only to physically being in the presence of the only man she had ever loved every single day, but never being able to do more than stand on the sidelines as he moved on with his life.

"I received this last night," Mr Jordan said, thrusting a familiarly marked envelope into her hands. "We'll talk in my office. Walk with me," he continued before striding off down the corridor.

It was in the subsequent pause before she almost had to run after him to catch up that Sam stared at the envelope in her hands and felt a sense of dread. It was bewildering, she thought to herself, that for someone who prided themselves on being as fiercely independent as she was and who had never even taken her husband's name, she had this overwhelming need to belong. It was just a shame that she didn't belong here.

Nick Jordan

He had been watching her sitting on the chair in front of him, practically boring a hole in the envelope with an intense glare on her face. She hadn't moved a muscle since her arrival in his office some minutes before and at this stage he couldn't tell if that had more to do with the letter clutched in her hands or the scene he had interrupted in the staffroom.

Upon learning some months before that Sam was actually Dr Keogh's wife he had anticipated there would be some fireworks in the department. Prior to that revelation becoming public it had seemed clear to Nick that there was a flirtatious tension between Dylan and Zoe, although this appeared to be mainly one sided on his own ex's part, and he was certain that something had occurred between them shortly before they were rescued from the E.D. fire prior to Christmas. Yet as far as he was concerned the pair were far from suited, being so different as to make them being a couple feel somewhat impossible. Besides which, he considered, Dr Keogh was still married – technically or not – to the young woman who had currently taken up a vow of silence in front of him, and therefore Zoe should not be involving herself until the unresolved issue of the Keogh's marriage was resolved.

Nick had to acknowledge to himself that he had been far from an angel in his own relationships over the years, but having his two most senior doctors commencing a relationship directly in the face of one of their spouses was a situation he couldn't see being resolved amicably at any stage. His only buffer from having to face this head on prior to now was that Dr Keogh seemed somewhat oblivious to the connection he appeared to be developing with Zoe and whilst the lady herself was not backward about coming forward in these types of situations, Nick granted her with enough sanity not to just throw herself at Dylan. He couldn't even begin to imagine how Dr Keogh would react in those circumstances, because he had yet to see the male doctor show more than the merest flicker of emotion over anything to date. However it was abundantly obvious to him that the young woman in front of him had deep rooted feelings for this man and therefore Nick had to assume that underneath the gruff exterior Dylan presented to the outside world there was a much more loving and caring individual.

His gaze returned to Sam, who was still sitting deep in thought, apparently quite comfortable to remain in silence whilst she gathered herself together. The girl wasn't normally known for sitting still or keeping her peace on any subject, especially where it concerned her own job, so it felt both slightly off kilter and yet honouring at the same time that she felt able to allow herself time to reflect in his company.

It hadn't been an easy time for her since she had arrived in Holby Nick contemplated as he watched her turn the letter over and over between her fingertips. It was clear for all to see that Sam was used to playing the hero in any scenario that arose and for the majority of the time this allowed her to hide her feelings behind a mask of action and adventure, but there were moments where she allowed her armour to slip and he had seen the vulnerability behind the mask.

He had always suspected Sam and Dylan had once been in a relationship from the day they had first worked together in the department, despite Zoe's protestations that Dr Nicholls was young enough to be his daughter, which incidentally it turned out an incorrect assumption. However on the night of the fire when Sam had known the danger both Dylan and Zoe were in, she had shown real fear and the army trained medic had unusually been unable to work in a pressurised situation. For all Sam's experiences, positive and negative, the only time Nick had ever seen her show any demonstration of feeling was where Dylan had been the route cause.

He hated to watch her enjoyment of her job and enthusiasm diminish over the previous weeks, but it had drained out of her regardless as she had watched Zoe and Dylan's friendship blossom. Her attitude towards Zoe had been skirting towards rude on a number of occasions and whilst he had hated pulling her up for it, he couldn't allow the complicated personal relationships of the staff disrupt his department. His heart went out to the girl though, it really did, because now he knew her a little better he could conclude that the only thing that would break her would be to lose Dylan for good. And that, he had to concede, was a big part of the reason she was running away from them all now, regardless of what she was about to say.

"You're choosing to go back then?" he questioned, finally breaking the hush that had enveloped his office some time before. "I read the letter Dr Nicholls. We were happy to extend your secondment, the army were fine with you staying another six months, and you chose not to take us up on the offer. And worse still you told them you'd be willing to leave immediately if they needed you."

"This place isn't me," Sam answered so quietly her voice was barely audible. "I'm trained to treat soldiers who've lost limbs on IEDs or save casualties from roadside bombs. I make a difference there, I save lives."

"You save lives here too," Nick shot back quickly. "You make a difference here."

"Treating sprained ankles and binge drinkers? Yeah right," Sam said, a harsh tone entering her voice. "All of that stuff, it just isn't me."

"You think you're better than that?" Nick countered. "I know this isn't about that Sam, we've been there, done that and had this conversation months ago and since then you've proved yourself to be a bloody good doctor. Yes, you'd probably love to spend every day going back and forth between resus and being out on scene, but I've seen you adapt to do some really good work with these sprained ankle and binge drinking patients."

He watched as a look of sadness crossed Sam's face for half a second, before she literally shook herself free of it.

"I don't belong here," Sam stated, her voice level and matter of fact.

"So what, you belong in a warzone?" Nick argued. "You find working here so bad, you'd rather just leave straight away?" He paused for a moment, but on receiving no answer continued. "You know when I first came here I spent all my time consumed with thoughts of going back to surgery. I never wanted to work in the E.D., I was Nick Jordan, Cardio-thoracic surgeon and I did everything to get back to that. We're not so different in that respect Dr Nicholls, but luckily for me I realised what I had here before my escape attempt was irreversible. If you get all the way back to Helmand it will be too late for you to change your mind."

"I won't change my mind," was the simple response. "I need to be back out there, doing what I'm trained to do. The army is part of me, it's who I am. I'm not about to turn down the opportunity to get out there."

"Fair enough," Nick answered, knowing that it wasn't worthwhile arguing the case with her further when she wasn't in the mood to communicate. He sensed though that the lack of discussion stemmed more from her desire to stop herself thinking about the real reason for her impending departure than it did to do with her apparent disagreement with him. "Do you know when you leave?"

"Sometime next month I think," Sam explained. "As soon as I know the date I will let you know, so you can get a replacement."

The thought of replacing her whilst she went away felt slightly abhorrent at that time, so Nick brushed it from his mind. "Does anyone know you're leaving?" he asked, to which she responded only with a shake of the head. "No-one at all?"

"No. No-one," she answered pointedly. "I'd rather it stayed just between us until the last minute if that's alright."

"If that's what you want," Nick said with a sigh, as the thought entered his mind that whilst her imminent departure would simplify the department relationship situation, he knew it would devastate Dylan despite his outward unemotional state. He wouldn't allow himself to dwell on the thought of a heartbroken Sam thousands of miles from home, because to be honest that was too horrendous to think about. "If you need some time off beforehand, to pack or anything, just let me know?"

Sam met his gaze, before shaking her head. "Thank you, but I really don't. I never unpacked in the first place, so it won't take me long to get myself sorted. I'd rather keep busy and working right up until I have to go to base if that's alright."

"Of course," Nick responded, feeling a sense of sorrow wash over him as Sam stood up to signal that she was ready to depart and he watched her leave the office. This beautiful, bright and intelligent young woman was about to rush off to treat casualties in a warzone in some ill-fated attempt to escape the seemingly inevitable breakdown of her marriage and for that Nick couldn't help but feel a deep sense of compassion for her plight. However having just learnt that Sam had never even settled in to Holby enough to unpack her possessions and make a life for herself in the past six months, he felt saddened at how lonely she really must have been.

They were all about to lose Sam to the army, potentially for her never to return, and all because she was seeking a sense of belonging. It was unfortunate that what she seemed to have missed was that she was actually running away from the only person Nick believed could actually give her the "home" she so desperately seemed to need. Why she wouldn't fight for Dylan, well he couldn't begin to comprehend the complexities of someone else's marriage, but he just hoped that if Sam really did have to go she could find something akin to what she was looking for where she was now headed.

He wasn't quite sure why he cared so deeply for the young doctor, but in a sense she reminded Nick of a much younger version of himself – determined, strong-minded, opinionated. He just hoped she wouldn't end up repeating all of his own mistakes. She deserved far better than that.

Thank you for reading. I hope you enjoyed it and reviews are always gratefully received.

The next part will be up in the next day or so. Callie x