Prompts:
Muggle!AU
Word: rose
Emotion: anxiety
Dialogue: "Is this really what you want?"
Weapon: tongue
Lucy Weasley, Relief, Losing faith, Secret, Impish
Challenge:GGE, Camp Potter (Tech Discovery R1), The Hunger Games Challenge.
Dear Nayla, this is for you, I hope you like it. Thank you for being incredible xxxx
You stand in the middle of the crowd. He's by your side and everything is okay. The noise is loud but not deafening, the lights are bright but they do not blind you. You smile as he draws you closer to him. He flashes you his impish smile and twines his fingers with yours as you make your way down the crowded streets of London.
'Where are we going?' you laugh as he takes the lead. He turns around and grins at you and you feel your heart racing and the irresistible urge to smile tugs at your lips. You oblige.
He just laughs, shakes his head and mutters that 'it's a secret.' This makes you smile. You can't explain how your heartbeat has increased tenfold, or how your lips are stretched so wide into a smile that it's not possible to smile any more. You can't explain the giddy feeling bubbling up in your stomach.
You've never been a fan of cliché concepts; you aren't a romantic, not really. Soul mates don't exist. The only explanation for the way he makes you feel at home, for the way just one little touch can set your veins on fire, for the way that it's like he glows, is that you are something.
He has this glow about him. It's what attracted you to him in the first place. He commands the room the moment he steps in it. Your social anxiety means you usually prefer to fade into the background but, for some inexplicable reason, when you're with him it's like he gives you some of his confidence, he shares a little of his light with you. Just enough so you don't panic when someone looks at you, or begin to internally hyperventilate when you are asked a question.
You don't believe in soul mates, but you do believe in puzzle pieces. Two people made for each other, two people who fit together like jigsaw. Like a puzzle piece, you both have your ups and downs, your smooth sides with jagged corners, but for every up, there's a down, and for every down, there's an up. Sometimes the pieces don't fit right, sometimes they aren't supposed to, so no matter how hard you try you never will. But some just need a little coaxing, a compromise here, an agreement there and maybe an apology or two and, like clockwork, you seamlessly slot back into place. It's a belief that your older cousin, Rose, taught you, that romantic idealism.
When she first told you, you scoffed. How can two people fit together so perfectly?
"They don't," she had laughed. "Not completely, but they almost do. Half of the world's population are locks. The other half are keys. The lock will never be the exact shape of the key it was made for, but it can be pretty damn close."
Your logical brain had never been good with metaphors, so with an endless patience that you envied, Rose had tried analogy. This time a little closer to home.
"It's like in Arithmancy, when you've got an equation and you use that to predict ...I don't know, your NEWT grades or something. You'll never be 100% accurate, but it can be close, like, only off by half a point or something. Does that make more sense?"
You had nodded. Arithmancy had been your favourite subject at Hogwarts. Logical, black and white, simple. At least, it was to you anyway.
You are broken out of your contemplative thoughts by Daniel standing in front of you. He has brought you to a little park, not too crowded but not empty either. It is quiet and peaceful, standing there feeling the light breeze push your blonde hair so tendrils of it float around your face. He grabs a strand, a childish smile playing on his lips as he curls it around his finger.
He's standing so close to you, your breaths mingle in the crisp air, your hearts both pulsing wildly.
"You're beautiful, you know that?"
You just smile. You've had this conversation a million times and it never ends well. You don't want to ruin a perfect afternoon. It's not that you don't think you're pretty, it's just that you don't think you're beautiful. You can barely talk to people that aren't in your family or Daniel. You get anxiety attacks when a professor calls on you in class, you're beyond shy, and to say awkward is an understatement. How can anyone possibly call that beautiful?
He tucks your hair behind your ear, his blue eyes sparkling with an impish mischief.
He leans forward so his breath tickles your ear, making you shiver delightfully.
"Close your eyes," he says, and you oblige. Your smile widens, a sense of excitement courses through your veins, and you feel like a young child again, just happy.
He takes you by the hands again and leads you somewhere. You aren't sure where, but you can smell roses.
"Okay, I know you aren't big on romantic gestures or cheesiness or anything like that, but it's your birthday and I really wanted to do something for you. I know you love roses so...open your eyes."
You can hear the impish smile and the hopefulness and a tad bit of anxiousness in his voice. As you open your eyes your vision is bombarded with a ray of colours; the green of the grass, the reds and pinks and yellows and oranges of all the different roses growing in this little clearing. Your life seems like a painting. The sun is shining and for once it's not a dreary, grey day. The colours are ten times more vibrant than they were yesterday and it's all so surreal.
Then you notice he's on one knee in the middle of this beautiful painting and your mouth drops open in pure shock.
"Lucy, I had a whole speech written out. It said all the things I love about you, how perfect you are and how much I want to be with you forever and have little mini Daniels and mini Lucy's and just be with you forever."
Little glass crystals drip from the corner of your eye. You've never smiled so wide before.
"But then I thought that would just be super cheesy and I scrapped it. I love you, Lucy, I know you love roses and this is the garden where we first met, when we were both running and not looking where we were going and we crashed right into each other. I literally fell in love with you right then and there and I've never stopped. Lucille Abigail Weasley, will you marry me?"
You are in shock. This is a scene you've dreamed about since you were a little girl and now it's finally happening. Why would anyone want to marry you though? You are Lucy Weasley, the girl whose cousins like to pretend doesn't exist, the girl who killed her mother in childbirth, you are the girl with issues, you are not beautiful, you are not bright like Rose, you don't glow like Lily, you can't even shine like Roxanne. You're just dull, the oddity, the one with blonde hair not red, quiet and shy, not loud, a disappointment and a girl who destroys everything beautiful she touches. The tears drip faster from your face.
He doesn't really want to marry you, a little voice in your head says. He just thinks he does, just watch: in ten years he'll get bored and move on and you'll be left like you always are, alone and crumbling in the dust. He doesn't want you, Lucy. No one will ever want you. Everyone will leave you, Lucy.
You shudder slightly, fear running through your veins like a tidal wave.
But he loves me, you think. He said so!
The voice chuckles cruelly. What people say and what they mean are two different things, Lucy. Trust me. I'm only looking out for your best interests.
You shake the voice off. It's lying. Daniel loves you, you know he does.
But still.
(What if he doesn't?)
"Why do you want to marry me?" you whisper unable to speak any louder. Your voice is paralysed with fear.
"Why wouldn't I want to marry you? You're beautiful. You're not perfect, but neither am I. You might not believe in soul mates, but I do, and you're mine. I know you're scared, Luce, but trust me. I love you, okay?"
He looks at you imploringly, his beautiful blue eyes filled with honesty, and the resolve in his voice acts like a bucket of cold water, washing you out of your irrational fear. And yet it still lingers.
"Okay," you nod. "Is this really what you want? To spend an eternity with me?" You can't keep your voice from shaking a little.
Pure relief and then joy spread slowly across his face as he nods. 'Always' is his whispered promise. It fills you with a giddy feeling. You are going to be Mrs. Daniel Summers, and your life is going to be perfect.
Then it happens.
Daniel is driving while talking to his sister on the phone and you are in the passenger seat. She's on loud speaker so you can hear every word of Greta's irritating voice as you both break the news of your engagement.
"Daniel, please tell me this is a joke." It takes everything you have not to scream, it is only for Daniel that you even attempt to be civil.
You notice Daniel bite his lip slightly, and you feel just a bit guilty for not getting along with Greta.
"Nope." His response is curt, yet somehow polite. It is a tone he has perfected over the years dealing with a demanding older sister.
You hear a little growl of annoyance on the other end, and you picture Greta's pinched face curling into an unattractive scowl as she digests this news.
"How did this happen? Did she bewitch you or something?"
Daniel smirks just a little. You know he loves his sister but even his seemingly endless stream of patience has to run out at some point and right now it has dried up. Plus, you know from experience with Molly, every younger sibling loves an opportunity to one up their elder sibling. Your lips curl up in amusement.
"Well, Greta, engagements are fairly simple. You see, I took Lucy to a nice location, I got down on one knee, gave a moving speech and asked if she would marry me. She said yes. And that, to answer your first question, is 'how' it happened. I'm not even going to dignify your second question with a response."
The Greta in your head is fuming by now, her face all red like Harry's Uncle Vernon in the stories he used to tell. Her eyes are bulging and you have to bite back a giggle as you picture steam coming out of her oversized ears.
The urge to giggle intensifies as you realise the Greta in your head probably isn't that different from the Greta in real life.
Suddenly she starts yelling, and you cringe as her shrill voice fills the car with various insults ranging from calling you worthless, to an idiot, all the way to an insecure slut who was only using Daniel for his money. Her language gets fouler as the words that spill violently out of her mouth.
You shy back in your seat. You've never been good with insults. They're your worst nightmares and coming from Greta, everything is so much more vicious. You bring your knees up to your chest in an effort to make yourself smaller, almost like the smaller you are the less of 'you' there is for her to hurt. You freeze up. Small tears prick behind your eyes and you start to panic. You can't handle this. With Daniel, your shields are better, his presence adding a layer of protection to your fragile self esteem, but they can't withstand the full force of the whirlwind hurricane of abuse being hurled at you. You hate being yelled at, you hate being made to feel small, and most of all you hate crying.
You squeeze your eyes shut as her voice escalates, and as Daniel starts defending you and everything is so loud and so angry and you hate it, you hate Greta for making you feel so weak, and you hate yourself for having so many issues, and you just can't handle it anymore.
You turned Daniel against his sister because she speaks the truth. Is that really what you want? Wouldn't it be better if you just left? Or are you so selfish that you would tear apart a family just so you can be happy?
The voice whispers in your ear, and in your vulnerable state, you believe it. The voice knows what's best for you, right?
"Daniel, s-s-stop," you whisper. The voice is right; the bond of a sibling is far too precious for damaged Lucy Weasley to destroy. But he can't hear you. He's too busy trying to drive and argue with his sister and sooner or later he's going to slip up.
You hear a car horn blare and you look in the side mirror to see that the car has swerved into the other lane and that it's going way too fast and that if you don't slow down you're going to hit that truck and have an accident and panic wells up inside you, drowning you in fear and anxiety and everything gets too much and you scream.
Car horns are blaring left right and centre and Daniel's eyes widen as he realises what is going to happen.
"Oh God, Oh God, Oh God, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry," is his mantra, and you are screaming and Greta is yelling and he's just saying that over and over and over again, his voice getting louder and tears streaming down his face until -
Crash.
"I'm so sorry, Lucy," are his final words.
The car has hit the truck. Someone is screaming. You think it's you but then you don't know. You are jerked forward in your seat and the seatbelt you are wearing tightens on your stomach as your head smashes forward into the dashboard. Blood drips down your face. Alarms have gone off but it's not over yet. Daniel had tried to regain control over the car but he was knocked unconscious and now you are being choked by the belt and a monster erupts in your head causing you the most unbearable pain imaginable.
The car is swerving. Daniel is unconscious but his foot is still on the pedal and you are trapped and can't move and you scream a final scream of anguish as the car flips and rolls and glass rains down on you, Greta's hurricane still whirling, but it's changed its course to frightened and concerned (for Daniel, of course. She doesn't care about you. But then again, who does?). The rain mixes with the wind, and you are the lightning and the car is the thunder and everything has come together to take one final but morbidly magnificent stand as a nearby tree reaches out with its long arms and grabs the spinning car violently, shattering it against its trunk. In your delirious state, the gnarled oak of the tree is taking the face of all the people who scare you. First it resembles your primary school teacher who used to yell at you all the time, then it looks like Greta, and a violent ex boyfriend of Molly's who once tried to rape you, then finally it comes to rest on a mysterious, yet cruel face.
The mouth of the face opens and the hushed, evil, manipulative and cruel voice of The Voice comes out, laughing at you, louder and louder and louder and louder and you put all of your fear and pain into one final scream and the last thing you see is the arms smashing the car to pieces, lighting parts of it on fire and then-
Darkness.
The next time you wake up, things are hazy and you are blinded by how white everything is. There is humming, you can hear it, and whirring, and the sounds of voices and footsteps, but they all blend together and make you dizzy. Your vision starts to fade to black. You are not awake for long. You soon slip back into the dark yet safe realm of unconsciousness. Greta cannot hurt you here.
This happens several more times. You wake up disoriented and lost and alone and confused and you just want Daniel.
But Daniel's not here, is he? I told you he would leave. I am only looking out for your best interests, Lucy. I'm here for you now. You don't need Daniel.
The Voice caresses you, but The Voice isn't Daniel, and you can feel your heart rate increasing as flashes of the accident come back. You see Daniels body broken and bloody and mangled and crushed in the car, you hear Greta's voice tormenting you and the sounds of your screams and the screeching of the metal colliding with the tree and your body starts to shake and there is a beeping vaguely in the distance and you hear it going faster and faster and faster.
Beep,
Beep, beep,
Beep, beep,
Beep, beep, beep, beep, beeeeeep.
The blackness overtakes you again. You welcome it.
Seconds. Minutes. Hours. Days. Weeks. Months. Years.
You don't know how long you've been in this white prison for, but you know you can't hide in the blackness forever.
Before your eyes open, you allow yourself some time to wake up. The sound of quiet sobbing fills the room and your left hand twitches a little.
Daniel.
The room smells too sterile. You cannot stand hospitals. You long more than anything to be home, to be safe, to be warm, and just to feel loved.
Slowly, very slowly, your blue eyes open and survey the room.
Daniel is not here, Lucy, he never will be.
The Voice is mocking you now, but Daniel will come, you know he will. He always does.
The sobbing is coming from your sister.
"Where's Daniel?" you croak. Your throat apparently has tubes it, and that makes talking hurt.
Her sobs got louder. She grabs your hand and you pale knowing what is about to come but not believing it. You can't believe it.
Daniel's not coming, little Lucy, The Voice's mocking voice swings back and forth like a pendulum in your brain, tolling its message loud and clear.
Your blue eyes meet your sister's identical eyes, in them you see her fear, sorrow, relief, all reflected in the tiny droplets of fragile emotions that drip drip drip down her face, staining it forever with lines of grief.
"No," you shake your head vehemently and a searing pain shoots through you. You forgot you had hurt your head in the crash. "Molly, he's not dead. He wouldn't leave me on my own like this, he is not dead."
"Lucy, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry." Molly's voice catches and she clutches your hand tighter and you both cry together. Loud, pitiful sobs echo around the room.
This can't be happening.
"Molly, you don't understand, Daniel would never leave me. He swore he wouldn't. See?" You hold out your hand with the ring on it, it's a simple diamond ring, yet Molly still gasps. "He proposed, that means we're going to get married and Daniel would never break that promise. He is not dead. It's impossible." The finality in your voice just makes Molly sob harder.
"Lucy, I know it's hard but he's gone. He isn't coming back, Luce." You hear the pity her voice but you don't register what she is saying.
Daniel is your safety net, he catches you before you hit the ground. He's like the net under the ledge and when you go flying off the edge he goes flying off as well just to save you.
"Safety nets aren't supposed to break," you whisper hoarsely. Molly looks at you strangely. She doesn't understand.
But this one did.
The Voice is low and seductive, all encompassing as it burrows through your weak layers with ease and stabs at your heart with fine needles that know exactly where to prick.
The tears that have been leaking down your face fall faster like an avalanche of tears.
He's dead. Gone. Passed on. Didn't make it.
Daniel, your saviour, is dead. Daniel your soon to be husband, Daniel who has been there for you at every stumble since you were children, Daniel your best friend, the puzzle puzzle piece to match yours; is gone.
You cry harder and you see Molly's pity and you hate it. You hate being weak, you hate that without Daniel you just want to hide in your room and never ever come out. Something inside you snaps
You don't have to be that person, The Voice whispers. You can be different, you can be a whole new Lucy, you just have to listen to me.
It's too tempting not too, when your world is crashing down around you the only thing you can do is create a new one.
You are released from the hospital a few days later, your injuries weren't that serious (and yet Daniel died? Where is the justice in that?).
You can't be little Lucy anymore who uses others as shields, you can't be weak. You have to be different.
Knocking on Lily's door, you are borderline hyperventilating. Talking to people isn't your strong point, but it's what the Voice told you to do, and right now the Voice is your only friend. The funeral is in a few hours and Lily seemed like the best option to help you get ready.
You enter the room, Lily is babbling on about how she's always wanted to give you a makeover and now she finally can, she babbles about anything and everything, but she never talks about Daniel, and for that you are grateful. She talks so you don't have to, you just sit there and nod at the appropriate times as she sifts through her wardrobe.
She forces you out of your loose blouse and skirt and gives you a pair of dark skinny jeans, a tight fitting top complete with heeled boots. You swallow nervously as you put them on.
This isn't me, you think, biting your lip. What would Daniel think of this new 'sexy' (as Lily put it) Lucy? Would he be disgusted or delighted?
You can't say these thoughts out loud, you can't handle any more pity or words of false reassurance (It'll get better, they say. You'll move on, find someone new. They are all lies).
Daniel is dead, Lucy, he doesn't control you anymore. You're not 'Daniel's Lucy' anymore. You're mine. The Voice is possessive, you know you shouldn't listen to it, but it knows best, right?
So you wipe the nervous look off your face and hide it beneath a layer of make up and lies. Lily has deemed this new Lucy appropriate, 'much better than the old one' she says.
But Daniel liked the old Lucy...no. you can't think like that. The Voice is right, . Daniel is dead, and the old you died with him (the old you is buried just under the surface, falling deeper and deeper into a web of lies and bad decisions).
The funeral is horrendous. People stare at you and you resist the urge to run back to the car and hide away, you resist the urge to change back into your old clothes. You can't be that Lucy anymore.
The minister clears his throat, the service is outside and you see the dark brown coffin there, ready to be lowered. The wind whistles past you, causing you to shiver. The voice of the minister washes over you, but you aren't really paying attention. You hear glimpses of what he says, it's what he would say at every funeral.
A tear slips down your face. This isn't what he wanted. He'd been to Hawaii once and seen them throw ashes in the sea, and he'd said that when he goes he wanted to be buried like that.
"Wonderful young man...loving son...brother...partner." The words drift in and out of your ear. It is not until he says 'partner' that you pay attention.
Fiancé, you correct mentally, looking at the ring on your left hand. When he gave it to you it had seemed so beautiful and bright, symbolic of the future to come. Now it was dull, a reminder of everything that could have been but now can never be. It is a reminder of how everything was torn from you in the most vicious way possible. You feel your chest constrict and suddenly you just can't wait for this to be over. You are so glad the coffin is closed, you don't think you could have handled seeing his body, especially if it was in as bad shape as they said it was. You don't go up to the family, they never liked you much anyway. You think about returning the ring but you decide against it. Sometimes you look at it on your hand and you convince yourself that nothing happened. You can't let it go, even though it hurts the ring is symbolic of Daniel and he is too precious to be forgotten.
You are a coward, Lucy, and you are selfish. The Voice speaks the truth, it knows you better than anyone, why would it like to you?
You cry harder.
Stop crying, Lucy, stop being so weak.
Greta comes up to you immediately after, short brown hair flying into her round face and menace in her eyes. She's the reason Daniel is dead.
(Or are you?)
"You little bitch," she sneers at you, hatred and malice evident in voice. You quake just a little, freezing up as memories of her voice float into your mind from the accident.
Slut. Whore. Bitch. Worthless. Damaged. Killer.
"Is this really what you wanted? Huh? When you started dating Daniel, oh we all told him you were bad news. You are weak, you couldn't resist him, you ruin everything good that you touch and selfish as you are you just had to have him, even though you were all wrong for him. Now look where we are, at his bloody funeral because he proposed to you. Is this what you wanted? Was this your intention? To ruin us all? To tear apart another family? You killed your own mother, murderer."
It was an accident, you want to say, I didn't mean too. It's not my fault.
As if she can hear your silent protests her face grows enraged. "Oh no, of course it wasn't your fault. You didn't mean to," she mocks in a high pitched voice. "Well you know what? It is your fault. You tore apart your family, you ruined lives from the moment you were born. Just because you didn't mean too, doesn't mean it wasn't your fault. You are the hidden thorns in a beautiful rose, and I hate you with every fibre of my being."
The new Lucy would have a snappy retort, but when it concerns Greta nothing can mask the fear of the real Lucy. Your anxiety causes you to freeze up, you choke on your tears and you can feel the eyes of everyone staring at you, you know they all hate you, why wouldn't they? the feelings of resentment are like laser beams in the air, going from their appalled eyes straight to your heart. Everything is heighten, every sound, every word, every glare and every gentle brush of the wind against your skin. It is madness, everything is swirling and twisting and turning and you can't handle it. You are physically shaking, shock evident on your pale as death face.
"You're the reason he's dead. If he hadn't met you he'd still be alive right now, but he did, so he's not. You little selfish whore it's all your fault, every single thing is your fault. How can you even dare to show to your face here? How can you wear that ring like Daniel is still alive? How can you be so weak and stupid and selfish? After all you've put us through you have the nerve to rub it in with that goddamned ring. Get the hell out of here before I kill you."
She's right, you are weak. The tears running down your face are proof of that. Other by standers watch in shock as you turn to flee. You knew coming to an event with so many people wouldn't end well, but you didn't think it would be like this. You make it back to Lily's house, still in tears, and she hugs you as you break down.
You feel suffocated, everything is too much. The grief, the hurt, the anger, you've lost faith in your ability to cope. You no longer believe in promises, after all if Daniel broke his, than that means every one will break theirs, maybe not right now, but they will. Words of reassurance are all lies. Does no one tell you the truth any more? Why has no one told you who you really are? Why has no one called you out on being weak and selfish, like a demon or a monster. Why didn't your father get rid of you when he had the chance?
When Lily offers you a way to numb the pain, you gladly take it.
Our little secret, she says. The Voice think's it's a good idea too, the old Lucy would never have drank. Daniel didn't approve.
You don't care what's in the bottle, you just drink, ignoring the burning in your throat and the protests of your sensible brain.
You pass out from exhaustion fueled by alcohol.
It's pleasant, you think, not feeling anything, just being in this blackness where you can't be judged and you can't mess up and where you can be just Lucy without Daniel or Lily or the Voice influencing you.
The peace doesn't last long. You wake up sometime later, the brief bliss is gone replaced by a feeling of loneliness. When Daniel was around you never felt the need, nor the inclination to meet others. Social situations were never your forte anyway, but you had Daniel and Molly and Rose and Lily, the three cousins you were closest too and you never needed anybody else.
"Get up." Lily nudges you fully awake. You groggily look at her, your head hurts a little, but you didn't drink enough to cause a hangover. It's just a headache.
Looking out the window you see it's night, the sky is as dark as you feel.
"We're going out. I'm not going to let you sit in my apartment and mope, you need a little fun, Lucy. A place where you can blend in, where no one cares who you are or what you do. I know a good club, I go there pretty much every friday night. What have you got to lose?"
This will be good for you, Lucy, a distraction, what could go wrong? It's time to change, Lucy, this is your chance to be someone new, someone improved, someone better. You thin the Voice might sound just a bit malicious, but you think nothing of it, putting it down to the headache pounding away in your head.
The club is loud, you swear everyone stares at you as you walk in with Lily Potter, daughter of the Harry Potter, footballer extraordinaire. You're just being paranoid, you tell yourself. Those whispers that you hear going from a pianissimo to a crescendo aren't really about you, it's just your anxiety playing up. Isn't it?
Part of you loves the crowds, you follow Lily as she weaves in and out of the crowd, effortlessly moving her body to the beat of the music loosing herself along the way. The energy of the crowd allows you to forget the sadness for a minute, it allows new Lucy to come out. New Lucy has a smile on her face, she is full of energy and she can't hear the whispers. But you can.
"It's Lily Potter."
"Whose that girl with her?"
"She's hot."
"Isn't that the girl whose boyfriend was killed in the crash last weekend?"
"I heard it was her fiancé."
"What's it matter?"
Slowly you push your fears down, down, down. Burying them as deep as you can as the alcohol that someone shoved in your hand burns down your throat. The drink not only burns your throat, but burns away your fears, your anxiety enough for you to be numb. You feel the pain ebb away and you smile as Lily takes your arm and pulls you into her little circle. More and more drinks slip their way down your throat, and any sense of sanity you had when you came here vanishes quickly. You limit yourself to just dancing though, you see Lily with hundreds of guys throughout the night, grinding against them, kissing them, but she never leaves with them. You aren't ready to interact with others yet.
"I have standards," she shrugs when you ask her about why she never leaves with them. Lily's like a cat, you think, with her fiery hair and flirty smile, she toys with you until she gets bored then she moves on.
You giggle suddenly at the absurdity of the situation, all coherent thought lost. You are here, in a club, the very club that Daniel detested, dancing away and having a good time, pretending you aren't scared witless by the hundreds of people closing in on you at all sides, pretending you don't feel the panic welling up in your chest and you paint a fake smile on your pretty face and you tell everyone you are fine. Yet you don't want anything to change, because for the first time since Daniel died you have a chance to just be one of the crowd, once the whispers die down you just dance, loosing remnants of yourself as you go along.
You don't stay with Lily for more than a few weeks. You developed a taste for the numbness, you crave it so badly because feeling nothing but a false buzz beats confronting the emotions you've suppressed, the grief and anxiety, the fear and the worry. You just want to feel happy, this is temporary relief.
The day before you are about to move out, an overwhelming feeling to physically change overcomes you.
You study yourself in the mirror. Pale blue eyes, long, dead straight blonde hair, light coloured skin. You still look the old Lucy. How can you become new Lucy, the Lucy without panic attacks, the Lucy without the emotional baggage, if you still look like the old Lucy?
"Is this really what you want?" Lily asks you as she prepares to cut your hair. You hesitate before nodding. You feel nostalgic though, no matter how hard you try your mind always comes back to him. Daniel always liked your hair long.
She cut's it to shoulder length. You watch the ends fall away and you image that each end is a portion of the old Lucy, falling and falling away.
(But don't you know that hair can regrow?)
You dye it black, you can't stand being so pale. Blonde hair, light eyes, pale skin. You hate it.
You take to wearing dark make up, Lily bites her lip, she doesn't approve, but she helps you anyway.
The last night at Lily's you wake up screaming from a nightmare.
You are standing in the rose garden, your eyes are closes, like he told you. You know it's the rose garden because you can smell it.
"Open your eyes, Lucy." His melodic voice washes over you, making you smile.
You open them and he is kneeling at your feet, holding out a ring box. But there is no ring in the box. You look at him confused.
His face starts to shift until it's bloody and bruised, his arms are mangled by his side and his legs poke put at odd angles.
He opens his mutilated mouth and a raspy voice comes out, though it is distinctly his.
"You killed me, Lucy. It's your fault I'm dead. You were so selfish, you couldn't just leave me alone. I was fighting for you, in the car, and look where that got me? Wrapped around a bloody tree."
Suddenly there is an old oak tree in front of you, not Daniel. It's twisted mouth laughs, a high pitched cold sound that will haunt you for the rest of your life.
"See what you've done?" It is the tree from the crash. It's face shifts from Daniels, to your mothers, to all the people you've hurt over the years, intentional or not. They all say the same words over and over and over and over again.
"You killed us, Lucy, you hurt us, Lucy, it's your fault, Lucy."
Drenched in sweat you scream your lungs out, although no sound comes out. Your vision starts to blur, the colours blend into one big kaleidoscope. You gasp for breath and you can't think properly. You don't know what's going on, but you've never been more terrified in your life. You start to cry uncontrollably and you loose all sense of control you had. You focus on one thought to try and stay conscious.
Daniel.
You feel dizzy as your body begins to shake, your voice still doesn't work and you are fighting with everything you have to stop the black spots that dance in front of your eyes from getting any bigger.
Daniel.
Even in death he is your lifeline. Lily comes rushing in and you trip over backwards trying to get away from her hands which have reached out to steady you.
She recognizes your symptoms shortly after, and she holds out three fingers for you to focus on. Slowly the spots begin to dissipate and the colours spread out again, no longer blurred together. You sit on your bed breathing heavily as you start to calm down.
It seems like forever until you can speak again. Panic attacks are not uncommon for you, but you can't remember the last one you had. Daniel was always as anchor, steadying you, stopping you from getting that far.
"Lily, promise me you wont tell anyone."
She looks at you slightly confused.
"I need people to think I'm okay. If they know about the nightmare's then they won't leave me alone and I can't handle that. Please Lily, if you care about me at all just keep this a secret."
She looks like she's about to cry, Lily always was too compassionate for her own good. She nods her head anyway.
"Promise me you won't drink anymore? It's not a good habit, Lucy. You can't numb the pain forever." Worry is evident in her voice. It takes all you have not to snap at her. The alcohol buzzing through your veins is telling you different.
The alcohol is good, Lucy, don't listen to Lily. She doesn't know you like I do. The Voice returns. Lie to her.
You look Lily directly in the eye and say, "I promise."
The words pound in your ear, the alcohol isn't enough anymore. You need something more, you crave more. The feelings are coming back, you aren't ready to face them. You've been numb for so long now that you don't know what it feels like to feel. You've lost faith in your ability to function without something in your system.
During the day you stay sober enough to convince your family that you are doing okay, you hate having them around. You get anxious again, and agitated. They don't like your new look, they always want to feed you and tell you lies about how everything will get better, and the pain will fade, you just have to keep on coping. One foot in front of the other.
Don't they know about the beauty of alcohol? Don't they know how amazing it to forget it all? Of course they don't, it's your little secret.
Daniel haunts you, in your dreams. You are trying to move on, but how can you when whenever you take off the ring his voice floats through your head, overpowering that of The Voice.
How can you do this to me, Lucy? Don't you love me anymore? If you take off that ring it means you don't love me, Lucy. Do you really not love me?
Alcohol isn't getting rid of his voice. You're in the club trying to forget it like you always do, but it's just not working.
A pair of hands grab you from behind, pulling you in close to dance. His body moves against yours. For once, you don't protest, you have to get Daniel out of your head. You spin around and in an act of desperation you pull the man's shirt down so his lips meet yours. You don't care when his tongue is used like a weapon, because it is a weapon against the specter of Daniel that plagues your waking thoughts and haunts your sleeping dreams. You have nightmare's every night, to the point where you don't even need make up to make your eyes look dark. You need a distraction, you are completely on your own and you just need someone's arms around you, because he no longer can. You need to feel someone's lips on yours, so you can pretend it is him. His world stopped turning, and yours is coming to an end.
His tongue explores your mouth, your neck and his hands move under your shirt. You know it's wrong, you aren't Lily and you shouldn't be trying to be like her, but the Voice in your head is pushing aside your doubts, telling you that this new Lucy is better, and why would the Voice lie to you?
The song ends and you move on. You never stay with the one guy at these clubs, they become familiar and familiar doesn't suppress the pain. Your tongue is your only weapon. Soon when they become familiar you can no longer delude yourself that they are Daniel.
So you start taking drugs.
They provide the relief you need, that you crave, that you desire.
The first time you are off with some guy who has a cute impish smile so much like his that it hurts when he offers you a pill. You are hesitant, Lily warned you time and time again not to take drugs from stranger's in a club, but the internal battle between common sense and the need for numbness is waging on, and in the end the numbness wins out.
Your little secret just got bigger. The boy with the cute smile introduces you to his friends, and their secret stash. You have never felt better. You become a regular at the club, every friday night you see this boy and he gives you what you need.
You can pretend all you want to be this new and improved Lucy, but deep down you just can't handle all these charades. Your life starts to fall apart around you, Lily has stopped talking to you, claiming;
"I've tried to help you Lucy, but I can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped."
You can't stay sober during the day anymore, if you try you spend the day curled up in a ball sobbing on the couch, and you can't handle it. The pain is too much. It's been months and your family stopped visiting daily, so you're alone all the time.
It all becomes too much.
Maybe I should cry for help,
(but you can't)
Maybe I should kill myself,
(stop the pain, be with Daniel)
Blame it on my ADD Baby.
(**)
Maybe I'm a different breed,
(Molly always said you were a freak)
Maybe I'm not listening,
(You can't ignore the Voice)
Blame it on my ADD baby.
You're in the club, the song lyrics weave in and out of your brain, but all you can focus on is those two verses. Part of you wants to die, so you can be with Daniel and your mother, so you can apologize for killing them. Part of you is too scared, part of you wants to run home to your father's arms and just cry and tell him everything.
You're different, Lucy. You don't need anyone else, you only need those pretty pills in your hand. The Voice is your only comfort, it knows best. It's right, you've always been different from your outgoing cousins, from your rebel sister. You don't listen to anyone anymore but the Voice. The Voice is your only friend.
Tears stream down your face, you just can't cope anymore. You sob in your secluded corner as the flashing lights blind you and the pulsating of the music deafens you. You feel the world start to spin and you know you need to be numb as soon as possible because you can't handle it.
Flashes of Daniel's impish smile flit across your mind, then replace themselves with terrifying images of his dead body and you throw the handful of pills into your mouth just praying for it all to end.
You feel your heartbeat start to slow down, your breathing slows and you start to loose consciousness. Your muscles spasm as your world fades to the deepest darkness there is. The darkness of no return. Death.
You wanted it all to end, but you got more than you bargained for. You didn't mean to die.
Your only thought as your heart slows to a stop is that now you are no longer a menace to anybody, now that you're dead you can't harm anyone else. You can be with Daniel. You smile just a little as your heart takes its final beat.
Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump.
Thump. Thump. Thump.
Thump. Thump.
Thump.
Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.
Somewhere, in the distance, a voice laughs manically.
It's all over, your pain, your grief, your suffering. You didn't mean for it to end this way, but it did.
You are the hidden thorns on a beautiful rose, but now that the thorns are cut off, the rose can flourish once again.
(Is this really what you wanted?)
What did you think? Please review!
Nayla my beautiful wife, ily *heart* I hope you liked this.
xx Liza