Disclaimer: I own nothing but my own work, Dick Wolf owns the good stuff

Rating: M

1: Season 13

She thought she had developed a callous for the judicial system, that acquittals based on irrelevant facts had stopped getting to her. And yet, even now, it hurt just as much as it had during her first year in SVU. The worst part was that her desire to give the proverbial finger to perp had resulted in grounds for appeal - and she was going to have to answer for it.

"Liv," Cragen said. And this is where the storm begins. She supposed it was better to face the music now than to dwell on it. At least she could take her rip and move on. As he turned and headed into his office, she followed.

"Nice workin' with ya," she heard Fin call out. Maybe she had been doing this for too long, but if she gave it up, what would she have left? Besides, there was Elliot to think about. He'd be back sooner or later.

"I don't think she was lying about being raped," Olivia began, launching into her prepared defense, hoping that she might persuade him to see her point of view. And yet, his back was to her. She waited for him to contradict her or argue or agree or...something. Instead, he turned to face her, and she could already tell by the look on his face that whatever the news was would shatter her to her very core. He said it all with a single look, and yet, her brain refused to go to that place. It refused to let go of the one thing in her life that was beautiful and whole and right in her life - and yet, it was also her deepest, darkest secret.

"Would you shut the door, please?" Cragen asked her in that same tone she had only heard him use with her once, the day her mother died. She wanted to ask him what the problem was, or anything to fill the uncomfortable silence as he searched for words, but all she could feel was her stomach drop. This wasn't about the case. No, whatever this was made the case seem trivial.

"Elliot put his papers in," he told her as gently as he could, although it still felt like a boulder had just ran into her at top speed. He saw her shatter in front of him, and it broke his heart again. He hated to be the one to break the news to her, but it was the burden of command. "There was nothing I could do," he added.

"He's earned it," she replied, once she remembered how breathe again. And he had earned it. He had been wading through the muck in this unit since long before her. He had taken blow after blow in order to lock up the worst of the worst. She knew this day would come, but she didn't realize just how much she was dreading it.

"And then some," Cragen added immediately after her. At least she wasn't alone in her opinion of him; she was hardly objective. In her eyes, he was perfect. She felt her lower lip start to lose its composure. No, not here, she thought. She refused to break down in front of her commanding officer.

"You wanna talk?" he asked. Talk about what? About the relationship she had had with him for twelve years? Yes, they were partners, but there was so much more, and for everyone's sake, that secret would have to die with both her and Elliot. They were fused on such a level that she wasn't sure anymore where she stopped and he began.

"No," she managed to spit out.

"You wanna take a day?" he asked. Take a day and sit around in her apartment where there was nothing but memories of him? Hell, her sheets probably still smelled of his aftershave. At least a T-shirt or a pair of his boxers was probably in her laundry hamper. At least work provided a distraction. She could do something here and not think about it.

"I'm fine," she said, and her voice betrayed her. She swallowed hard, forcing the tears back into their little bottle. This was neither the time nor the place. She just needed to get the fuck out of here.

"Liv, I'm sorry," he added. She didn't dare open her mouth. Her composure was melting too fast. Instead, she nodded politely and headed back into the bullpen in search of a distraction - any distraction.

"You ok?" Fin asked. She nodded and hoped that she was hiding her bruised heart well enough not to raise suspicion.

"Got a 10-34 on Waverly," she heard Munch say. He looked in her direction, and she had faltered. The full impact of Cragen's words was hitting her. She and Elliot should be taking that call. And yet, he would never sit across from her again, never share a sedan and bad Chinese food on a stakeout, and perhaps never seek her comfort again.

"No, I'll go. Give me five and we'll roll," she said, raising her eyebrow at the end. Fin nodded, and she bolted again. She wasn't sure where she was headed exactly, but she needed time to herself. She just needed a chance to let it all out, and then she could do this. She'd done it before.

She passed the interview room and paused. It was empty now, and was likely to stay that way for a while. She pushed open the door and slipped inside, closing the door behind her. Now, she could allow those thoughts.

She always knew she was the other woman. Always. He had been clear about that with her from the beginning. She wept for the life she should have had, with him. She wept for the should haves, could haves, and would haves. She wept for the never to be's. Damn him, for leaving her here like this. Damn him for not caring about her. Damn him for taking the happy retirement at this moment she would give anything for. Damn him for going back to his wife.

As she cried, she faced a grim realization. She always claimed to married to the job, but now she wasn't sure if it was the job she was in love with, or him. She couldn't imagine sweating a perp in this very room without him. They could communicate in a single look. How was she supposed to replace that?

Her emotional pain was so strong that it ripped through her physically. She felt like she couldn't breathe, and yet, as long as the tears kept falling, strangely, it wasn't killing her. She wasn't sure how she would get through this, if she would get through this. She needed him to sweep her into his arms, make sweet, gentle love to her, and tell her that he would always love her.

Because he did. He really did love her.

Short and sweet, but I hope this has piqued some interest! Yes, we'll get into the backstory, and we'll start right at the beginning in the next chapter.

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