Hey, guys! Last fanfic celebrating Breath of the Wild. Which I now own. I pre-ordered it in October and I got it about five minutes ago. So yeah.

My Inner Life PARODY

Chapter 1
The Beginning

Once upon a time there was a girl named Jenna. Jenna was a traveling merchant. I will now drop the unnecessary fairy tale-ish voice. Jenna was traveling to Hyrule for the sixth time (she had been a merchant since she was fourteen, and she had visited once before, when her parents were alive).

"I'm taking over this!" Jenna shouted, trying to steal my notebook 'cause she's a JERK!
"NO!" I shouted, running away.

ANYWAY!
Jenna rode to Hyrule Castle Town.
As she rode through the market, she heard someone singing,
"Hey this soldier is dead,
Oh, what a happy day!
Hey this soldier is dead,
I just watched him die!"

Jenna stared at the singer, a blonde-haired young woman sitting by the fountain.

"Hey Jenna!" Jenna heard a woman shout. She looked around for the speaker. She saw a young woman with long blonde hair and a simple blue dress.
"Hey Jenna!" the woman shouted again, waving her arm, "It's-a me, Zelda!"
She frowned and said, "That was the stupidest thing I've ever said."
"Hey, where've you been the last seven years?" Jenna asked.

The two had met during Jenna's first visit to Hyrule, when she was seven and Zelda was six. They had become fast friends, and they kept in touch through letters. But no matter how many letters Jenna had sent over the last seven years, Zelda never responded.

"Well, as you probably know, seven years ago, I had to flee the castle with Impa and Father. Then, Hyrule rule was ruled by a tyrant. Nothing seemed too different, Hell, the residents of Kakariko didn't even know anything was wrong. Yes, they had to pay higher taxes then when Father was in charge, but it wasn't that big of a deal. Until one year ago, when his army destroyed Castle Town."
"Oh yeah, I was held up in Crimea then," Jenna remembered.
"He was then defeated by the Hero of Time and sealed by the Seven Sages. We've spent the last two months rebuilding Castle Town. 'Course we aren't done yet, but we probably would've made better progress if it wasn't for this weird red-haired kid that telling us to get weird stuff, like turtles and monkeys."

They walked through the castle gate and into the garden, where they saw Impa with a large sword strapped to her back (she had decided to become her Hyrule Warriors self. Why? 'Cause I really like her Hyrule Warriors design, plus she's a lot of fun to play as).

"Hello Jenna," Impa said.
"Hi," Jenna said before turning back to Zelda and asking, "So what's the Hero of Time like?"
"He's… um..." Zelda struggled to find the right word.

"Well, he's…interesting," she said after a minute.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Jenna asked, annoyed.

Then they walked further into the garden and saw a blonde-haired young man wearing a green tunic and-ya' know what, screw this, you already know it's Link.

"Who's that?" Jenna asked Zelda.
"Link," Zelda responded before shouting, "Hey! Link!"

Link turned around and saw Zelda before running over to the two of them.

"Hey Zelda," he said, "Are you doing anything tonight?"
"I'm not doing anything," Jenna said, hip-checking her out of the way and she fell on the ground.
"Are you okay," Link asked Zelda, offering her his hand to help her up.
"I'm fine," she said, taking his hand and blushing slightly.
"I'm Jenna," Jenna said, holding out her hand to Link.

Link stared at her hand before shaking it vigorously.

"Hi I'm Link," he said overenthusiastically.
"Don't you love me? Don't you think I'm beautiful? Don't you want to sex with me?" Jenna asked him.
A dreamy look came over Link's face, "Yes…you're as beautiful as a…um…beautiful thing," he said.

Impa walked into the garden, accompanied by the girl by the fountain.
"Link!" the girl shouted, running over hugging Link.
"Hey, Al," he said. Jenna glared at her.
"Who're you?" Jenna asked her.
"I'm Alice, yeah!" Alice said happily.

"Anyway, what're you doing tonight?" Link asked Jenna.
"Oh, nothing," Jenna said.
"Well, do you want to go to Kokiri Forrest for Spring Night with me?"
"Of course," Jenna said, smiling.

Link made a face, "Gee, it sure is boring around here," he said.
"Ma' boy, this peace is what all true warriors strive for," said a voice.
"Father, have you eaten dinner?" Zelda asked.
"No. I wonder what's for dinner," the king said.

Later that night…
Jenna returned to the room in the castle that she would be staying in for the next two months and took a bath. After she was done, she put on a low-cut V-neck white dress with lace holding the V-neck together (wonder what'd happen if I cut it…). The dress had gold-embroided Triforces on the bottom. She also put on a choker and a ring, both of which had the Triforce on them (why does everything she own have the Triforce on it?). She put her hair in a halo braid and wove a silver lace through it. Then she heard a knock at the door, so she walked over and opened.

"Da da da DA!" Link sang.
"Hello Link," Jenna said.
"Are you ready to leave?" Link asked and Jenna nodded.

Meanwhile, elsewhere in the castle…
"Come ON Zelda, we have to go, yeah!" Alice shouted.
"No, I cannot," Zelda said sadly.
"But we have to, yeah!" Alice was now rummaging through Zelda's closet.
"But-" Zelda was cut off by Alice.
"Put this on, yeah," Alice said, holding up a low-cut purple dress with bell sleeves.
"I do not think-" Zelda started to say before getting interrupted again.
"And I'll wear this, yeah," Alice said, snapping her fingers to summon a light blue crop top with bell sleeves, an also light blue miniskirt, and black thigh-length socks.
"Get outta here!" both women shouted at me. I just sighed and left.

Back to Jenna and Link…
Link took Jenna to the stable where their horses, Epona (duh) and Star Dancer, were waiting.

"Alice told me to tell you to wait for her and Zelda," I told them. Link smiled, but Jenna groaned and rolled her eyes.

Five minutes later, Alice and Zelda walked out of the castle. Zelda had braided her hair and put on a Triforce necklace (she's the princess, so it's okay), and Alice had used magic to make her long, blonde hair blue and tied it in a ponytail. Then they got on their horses and rode to Kokiri Forrest. When they got there, one Kokiri boy took their horses. Then, a Kokiri girl with waist long blonde hair ran up to them

"Hello, My Lady," she said bowing to Zelda.
"Hello, Saria," Zelda said, awkwardly patting her on the head. She never really knew how to treat Saria, seeing as the Kokiri was much older, but she looked and acted so much younger.

When it was time for the feast, everyone went to the Great Deku Tree's clearing. Where a long table had been set up. Then Saria read the seating arrangements, which she'd had to revise, seeing as there were four unexpected guests.

"Link you sit here," she said, pointing to a chair.
"My Lady you sit here, and Miss Alice, you sit there," she pointed to the chairs next to and across from Link, respectively.

Jenna ended up sitting across from one of the Know-It-All Brothers and in between Fado and Mido, who was sitting next to Link (Saria had thought that they would have gotten along better, but Mido seemed to hate Link even more after finding out her wasn't really a Kokiri). So, for the entire dinner, Jenna had to put up with Fado being slightly creepy, Mido arguing with Link, and the Know-It-All Brother doing whatever he does. What, I can't really remember what they do!

Anyway!
After dinner, some of the Kokiri, including Saria and Fado, started to play instruments. All the Kokiri who couldn't play an instrument, along with Link, Zelda, Alice, and Jenna got up and started dancing. Jenna went to dance with Link, before Alice hip-checked her out of the way.

"Haha, revenge, yeah!" Alice muttered before pushing Zelda into Link's arms and going to dance by herself.

After the festival, Link, Zelda, Alice, and Jenna slept in Link's old house. Link and Jenna continued to sleep there until a very specific night. It was a warm spring night and night had just arrived. They started making out and then they started sexing. That's all you get! I'm not writin' a lemon here! Gawds! After that-
"Man, I feel like a woman," Link sang.
"Does he sing in his sleep?" Jenna asked.
As I was saying, after that, Jenna was "depressed" because she would be leaving Hyrule in a month.

On Jenna's last day in Hyrule, she was packing up her stand in Castle Town when Link walked over, holding something behind his back.

"Hey Jenna," he said before getting down on one knee, "Will you marry me?"
With an aside glance at Zelda, who looked heartbroken, Jenna said, "Of course."
"Not not not want!" Alice shouted, "NOOOOO! Do not waaaant!"
She had fallen to her knees, but she quickly got up and put her arm around Zelda, who had started to cry onto her shoulder.

And so, Jenna would never again leave Hyrule.

A month later, in Altea…
"Hey, what happened to that cloth merchant?" asked many, many Altean citizens.
After two more weeks and no sign of Jenna, the king of Altea announced, "We will make our own cloth from now on. And why did we rely on one merchant for all of our cloth?"

And so, Altea began to make its own cloth.