A young otter awakes in her habitat. From her bed, the girl stretches while yawning aloud. Little does she know that she will face some of the worst difficulties of her life. The expense of her torment will come with the enjoyment of fangirls everywhere, except for maybe one or two users who wish for a more harmonious couple of penguins. This isn't relevant as this otter has no idea she is in a cartoon show being fandomized by random strangers.

Where was I going with this?

Ah yes, the young otter, Marlene, enjoys a breakfast of fish as she starts the day. She yawns again as she steps out from her fake volcano home to the bright sunlit forest of her habitat. Still trying to wake herself up, she takes a quick swim in her pond

Today is Monday, meaning that she only has a few short hours of free time before returning to the usual crazy routine of entertaining stupid humans. However, with the zoo being closed for this early morning, Marlene feels free to boldly step out of her habitat and walk around the zoo.

She stepped out onto the pavement walkway. The bright sunlight felt warm against her fur.

Although New York City can be notorious for its noxious aroma of car fumes and other city smells, the sanctity of Central Park was a haven of fresh air. Marlene closed her eyes as she breathed in deeply.

The otter walked down the pathways between the animal exhibits.

Leonard, the rude koala, was sleeping lazily on a eucalyptus branch. However, he awoke sharply and turned towards the otter girl. He smiled at her.

Odd... he never smiles for anything. Not that she's complaining, it was actually a rather touching compliment.

Nevertheless, it would be rude to acknowledge this. Marlene simply waved, "Hey, how you doing?" Totally cool.

She hurried her pace away from his exhibit. "Gosh, that was weird..." she thought to herself.

Next she passed by the monkey cage. Mason and Phil shot up at the sight of her.

"Hey guys! Great morning, isn't it?" Marlene spoke politely.

"I do say," Mason said in his British accent, "Marlene, you are looking rather smashing today!" Phil nodded his head in approval.

She blushed and giggled at the compliment, "Ah, guys, you're too kind."

Marlene walked even faster. She usually never received such compliments. Did she do something different with her fur? Did she look stupid and they were just humoring her? Was there a gas leak and everyone is acting insane?

This behavior wasn't isolated. Everywhere she went, the smaller animals would greet her with compliments and heartfelt words. It was creepy.

She was now stuck between a jog and a walk as she quickly passed by everyone's exhibits.

"He-he-hey, Marlene," came a sly voice.

Marlene did not even need to look to know it was Julien. Marlene shielded her eyes as she blatantly ran past his exhibit. She would not even dare make eye contact. If she did, she would have seen that all three lemurs were staring diligently at her.

"Wait, where are you going?! I am all the party you'll ever need! Ahah, Maurice, did that sound creepy to you?"

"What on earth is going on here?!" she panicked.

Maybe there was an explanation. Yes! This all could be explained easily.

On the other side of the zoo, she could see the notorious four penguins on their iceberg doing warm-up exercises.

They had to know what was happening!

She sprinted over to them. All the while, rogue compliments dive bombed from all across the zoo. "Guys, guys," she said, exhausted. She panted with her paws on her knees before continuing, "Something crazy has been going on today and-"

The penguins completely froze. They all stood there, staring at her. Private was started to blush and shrink down in nervous fervor.

"UGH! Not you guys too! What is wrong with everyone?!" she said running away.

The penguins watched her in fascination as she scurried off.

Skipper was the first to speak, "Well, is it me or is little miss prissy pants looking rather-"

"Rqrrnning!" Rico finished with googly eyes.

"Yeah... that," he said disturbed, "Am I the only one who thinks so?"

Kowalski snapped out of his love-entranced daze and replied, "Actually, no you are not Skipper. I knew this day would eventually come. This entire anomaly can be explained simply and easily." Kowalski pulled out a highly detailed chart, depicted a long blue line with a minuscule pink one alongside. Tons of complicated equations stood alongside. "According to my research, this is a peculiar event of single environmental infatuation."

Private turned, "To be honest Skippah, I don't quite know where he pulls all these charts from."

"Focus!" Kowalski snapped. On instinct, Skipper slapped Private upside the noggin. "Now, from my advanced mathematics and observations, I've come to the conclusion that there is only one girl in the entire zoo our size."

Skipper replied sarcastically, "What'd you have to do to figure that out, get a diploma?"

"Yes, actually."

Skipper shook his head in disappointment.

"So, what does that have to do with us all having the feelies for Marlene?" Private naively and innocently asked while motioning at his heart. In reality, he motioned at his spleen. Private is an ignorant fool.

"She's the only female in the vicinity, trapped in a field of healthy males of breeding age-"

"Enough of this sciency wizmo gizmo, out with it man!" Skipper demanded.

Kowalski sighed. "Why do I even bother with the research and the presentations," he grunted as he threw his data tables out of the reader's view or scope of concern. "It means she's the only girl and we're all guys. In the wild, all the males will sometimes fight each other just for the lone female."

"So you're saying we're all secretly in love with her, even if we don't already know it?"

"Precisely!"

"And that we're all going to have to fight each other for her?"

"That's what nature demands."

Skipper backed away slowly. His sneaking escape failed miserably, as everyone still stares at him awkwardly. He motioned circles with his flippers, "Pay no attention to the commander in the back. Just continue talking about, uh, winkies."

Private brightened up. "Oh I could really go for some peanut winkies right now! K'walski, can we get some winkies?!" he said bouncing.

He chuckled, "In a moment young Private, Ah, you're so adorably naive. First, we should sort out this dilemma of who should be shipped with Marlene and-"

Skipper was no longer with them. Everyone gasped aloud, shocked. "Blast! I can't believe how distracted I was! Private, Rico, we have to stop Skipper and-"

There was still a left-over cloud of dust from Rico sprinting away at breakneck speed. Private still held Kowalski's attention. He waved, "Hello."

Kowalski sighed, taking a flipper to his forehead, "I guess it's just you and me-oh there he goes."

It was just Kowalski left standing on the iceberg. He sighed as he trudged from the penguin habitat.

Skipper slid on his stomach as ventured around the sharp corners of the zoo walkway. He ventured forth, determined to claim his prize.

Suddenly, an explosion a few feet ahead halting the sergeant, causing him to spiral backwards. The leader shook his head before yelling at the supposed culprit, "Sweet molasses you could have killed me!"

"Hrrnnn-hrrrnnn!" Rico taunted as he slid past on a railing.

The explosion was enough to cause Marlene to halt on the other side of the zoo. Her fight-or-flight instincts had already committed suicide and she was left standing there, motionless.

Rico was in the lead. He was sliding at unearthly speeds. The wind began to sting against his feathers. Good! Rico met this pain with an outstretched tongue and a wicked look in his eyes.

Then came time to turn the railing. Rico tried, but was moving too fast and sailed straight into the gift shop, shattering several windows.

Kowalski rolled his eyes as he stole first place. "If you studied Centripetal Motion, you would know that you can't turn that sharply while-SWEET MARY!"

A rope was shot out of a handheld canon by Rico, tangling the analyst.

Private was the only one with enough sense to drive their pink toy car. He felt comfortable in the driver seat as he took the lead. "Sorry K'walski! I would help, but I have to ask out Marlene. Bye!"

He was too busy waving to Kowalski behind him that he hardly noticed Skipper pushing the popcorn cart into his path.

The pink Malibu collided with the stand, sending buttery flaking popcorn flying in all directions.

Marlene was watching the entire affair in stunned silence. Skipper was the first to finally arrive.

The lead penguin perked up in front of her, "Well aren't you the luckiest girl in the world because you get to-"

He was cut off as he was violently shoved out of the way by Kowalski. "Marlene, logically speaking, compared to everyone else, I think it is wise to YIP," he yelped sharply as a grappling hook sent him flying in the other direction.

Rico took the now airborne analyst's spot. "'Roo. 'Eh," he motioned between them before making obscene kissing gestures. Marlene recoiled in uncomfortable confusion. The penguin was then tackled by Skipper.

"Ok-aaaaay, I'll just be going," she said as she turned around.

She was cut off by Private who spoke with twiddling flippers, "Oh, hi Marlene. Um, I was wondering if you would like to go on a da-AGHHH!" The young penguin was yanked away forcefully by Rico.

Skipper grabbed the two, "What in good gravy do you two think you're doing?! As your commanding officer I-oof." Rico smacked his leader only to be in turn tackled by the others.

Kowalski returned as he yanked a loose branch out of his feathers. "I am catapulted out of the zoo for TEN SECONDS and I come back to this?!" he scolded. Frankly, no one noticed nor cared. But Kowalski refused to let his word go unheard as he spoke even louder.

Marlene stood there, frozen in confusion at what exactly was occurring.

From afar, King Julien sat atop his throne with a mixed fruit drink in a split coconut. His two servants fanned him with palm branches. While Mort only felt psychopathic happiness, Maurice had a look that, on its own, could kill half the planet.

Julien turned to see the ruckus. What an audacity! In his kingdom! Julien spat outwards and slammed the drink on Mort's head, "Ah! Maurice! Look at those flippered birdies stealing all of de Marlene from me! I should be down there doing the wooing!"

"Whatever you say, your highness," Maurice said drearily as he wiped the saliva ridden drink off his fur. If anything, Maurice should be down there! But NoOoOoOo, he has to stay here like the good little servant he is.

The penguins continued to fight while Kowalski was practically talking to himself.

This had gone on long enough.

"Guys," Marlene pleaded, "Hey, uh, guys...?" It was no use. It was as if somehow someone had rewritten their personalities.

Suddenly, Julian leaped down to the scene. He grabbed Marlene's hand seductively. "Babah'," Julien romantically spoke, "We all know who here can giv' you the... royal treatment." His awkward eyebrow wiggle made Marlene forcefully pull her hand back and retreat ten steps.

Finally, she shouted at the top of her lungs, "WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?!"

Everyone froze. Julien stood with his mouth agape, ready to drop some tantalizing quadrants. Kowalski stood as though giving a lecture, but the kind you are most likely to sleep in like that one kid in the back of class who always picks his nose. Private was on the ground with a black eye on his stupid adorable face while Skipper was on top preparing to give him a smackdown. Rico had a katana at the ready. I don't know what that's about. Maurice still stood near the lemur throne wondering if he had died long ago and this was either purgatory or hell. Mort inched ever closer to the feet. Must. Get. Feet...

Nevertheless, all eyes locked onto the furious otter. No words were said. It was so quiet, a tumbleweed may have just rolled on through. Up, there it goes, right into the lemur habitat.

"Now, what has gotten into all of you?!" Marlene pursued, "All morning everyone has been obsessed over me, I mean not that that's not a great thing, but it is out of hand! And now you guys are literally fighting over me-!"

"MISSION COMPROMISED! Initiate the Swahili Shake-down!"

White smoke exploded around them. A flurry of coughs and flippers shuffling filled the air.

As Marlene fanned the smoke from her face, she looked up to find herself inside the penguin HQ. "How did I...?"

The four penguins stood around her. "Hi," Private awkwardly waved with his left flipper. His right held a steak to his eye.

"Okay, what is going on with you guys?" she persisted.

Kowalski, still facing the otter, withdrew a black marker and began scribbling on a white board. "I apologize Marlene, but it appears you are on the receiving end of an isolated fraternization."

"'K...what does that mean?" she said with her paws on hips.

"It means that you are numero uno on every guy's love hit list," Skipper explained as he waltzed his way to her side. "But we both know who's your hitman."

Marlene pushed him away and stepped closer to Kowalski, "Okay, first off: ew. Secondly, what is he talking about?"

Private approached, "It means that since you're the only girl in the zoo, we all love you! And, um, I hope you'll want to go on a date with-"

"ME!" Rico shouted as he threw Private out of the way into the wall.

Kowalski leaned over from the board, "I couldn't have said it better myself. Oh, and for the record, she's mine."

"WOAH!" Marlene interrupted with arms crossing. She means business. "Time out! Okay, I did not ask for all of you to have crushes on me! You're my friends and I don't know if I want to date anybody!"

"Fortunately, we'll make that decision for you," Skipper replied.

"Wah-?"

Kowalski flipped the white board around. It revealed a chart with each day of the week from Monday to Thursday. In each box was an appropriate drawing of Marlene with a different penguin. Oddly enough, all of them sucked except for Kowalski's, in which he looked like a stallion. He spoke, "I've devised a dating schedule to allow you to decide whom among use you wish to go out with by the end of the week."

"Did you guys really just make a shipping chart out of me?"

"Since I'm in charge, and so stunningly gorgeous, I'll be your date for tonight," Skipper announced.

"Bu-"

"Then me," Kowalski followed.

"Uh-"

"And then Rico."

"WOO!" the demolitionist cheered.

"Why am I always last?" Private pleaded.

"NO! NO! Not happening! I did not agree to this!" Marlene shouted. Her temper was flaring.

"Dat is right!" Julien interrupted. He hung upside down with Mort and Maurice from the entrance to the HQ.

Skipper pointed, "An intruder! Rico, action!"

At once, Rico upchucked a crossbow with cynical glee. The lemurs shrieked as they fell to the ground. An arrow stuck to the wall where they were previously.

"Wait, wait!" King Julien ordered as he dusted himself off, "By royal decree, I demand to be included in this dating thingy."

"No deal, ring tail!" Skipper replied, "We've already filled the week-"

"Except Friday," Kowalski said leaning over.

"ASHUSHSHSHSH! Aheh, like I said, all filled up! No more room!"

"WAIT A MINUTE!" Marlene interrupted. All eyes turned back to her. "This can't even work! I mean, I'm an otter and you're all penguins and lemurs! Kowalski, you know science! This is stupid!"

Everyone stood there, pondering her warning for a moment. Then everyone shrugged, "Eh."

Marlene stood there arms outstretched. She was struggling to handle the stupidity in the room. "Apu- Puchch, Uh! I am watching this happen. I don't even have a say in this!"

"But da pretty lady over there said she does not want to go out with you, so that means she wants to be with de kingly king Julien."

"I'm just not even going to say anything. Nope! Fine, just let this go on without me! Let's just see how this plays out," Marlene complained as she leaned against the wall, defeated. Of course, no one heard her.

"So dat is why," Julien continued, "I must be the one to take Marlene as my lady king."

"Queen," Private corrected.

"Yeah one of those."

"I'm not getting paid enough to put up with this," Maurice said, even though he was getting paid nothing.

Private tried to reason, "Maybe we should include Julien. It's only fair, Skippah'."

Skipper instead was growing so furious that his eye began to twitch. "We don't have time for this bullmalarky. Rico, remove mango."

"Yay! I love fruit!" Mort cheered.

Rico rushed over and kicked the three lemurs out of the HQ, sending them soaring out of the porthole and into the air. "Bye-'ey!" Rico waved.

"A-are they going to be okay?" Marlene asked, being the only one with any reason.

"Ah, I'm sure they'll be fine," Skipper replied.

At once, a loud crash erupted from outside. Julien's bloodcurdling screams mentioning something about feet came roaring through the zoo. Both Marlene and Private winced as they brought their arms up to their mouths.

"And if not, then who cares!"

Suddenly, the electric clock on the wall began to ring. Five minutes until the zoo opens.

"Uh, yeah, I've got to going," Marlene said as she shuffled to the ladder.

Skipper followed, flippers on his hips and a smirk on his face, "Well don't you worry, because tonight will be the ride of your life."

"I hope not."

"You'll never even see it coming!"

"I hope it never comes!"

"Oh it will! And it will be when you least expect it!"

Marlene awkwardly exited the penguin HQ and made her way back to her habitat.

She was mortified at what she would have to put up with for an entire week.

"This is going to be the worst week of my life."

Hello PoM fandom! I hope you enjoyed this parody.

Anyways, Thank you guys for the welcoming with my first story, Life's End, which, unlike this one, was super dark and depressing... just like everything else I make! I plan to publish another depressing story about Private, yet again.

This is my attempt at comedy. It's a different change of pace from killing off all of my characters. And if they're not dead, then having them suffer the terrible trauma that follows as they waste away in a decrepit world collapsing around them! Until eventually, all that remains are former shells of-! Ahem. Sorry about that. I get carried away sometimes... or all the time. If you enjoyed this, come check out what else I have in my archive.

Thank you guys so much for the read! I hope you enjoyed it and you stick around for Skipper's classy entourage of romantic affairs.

Also, thank you to 890X and redradknuxfan for their help on this project which has been in development hell since the dawn of mankind.