Rating: T
Pairing: EdWin/Edward x Winry
Disclaimer: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist.
Word Count: 2710
Title: Nightmare
Description: EdWin One Shot
Edward and Winry hit a rough patch with failure to communicate.
A/N: I've only ever written angst in the context of my own novels before, so this might be a little rough. Be kind, please.
Winry
"Hey." I venture into the living room, where Ed has flung himself across the couch and is flipping through some alchemy journal or other.
"Hmm," he grunts without looking at me.
"I was thinking maybe I could make beef stew for dinner?"
"Yeah. Whatever."
I frown. That's it? Not even a glance?
"Okay…" I start to turn toward the kitchen when I stop. "Actually, would you mind if I tried pasta instead? I was thinking about it earlier, and–"
"God, Winry, would you just shup up?" he growls at me, and I freeze. "Seriously, I don't give a fuck what you make for dinner. Just stop talking."
Um, ouch.
"Well, you don't have to be rude about it," I mumble, trying not to let anything he said get to me.
But it does. It hurts. And then it makes me mad. Who the hell does he think he is? Shouting at me like that. I'm his girlfriend, not his slave. Plus, it wasn't like I was talking his ear off about automail again. This is dinner. A meal he eats, and I thought he might want to have input on.
But fine. He can just be a big jerkass about it.
I make the stupid pasta, not bothering to hide my feelings as I slam all the cabinets and bang all the pots and pans. I mean, if this was the first time he'd snapped at me like that, I might be more forgiving, but it isn't.
In fact, Ed's been broody and short with me like this all week. Not all the time, but…a lot of it.
It started on Monday. When I woke up, I was in bed alone, and when I offered him breakfast, he just said, "I'm going out. I'll be back later," and grabbed his coat. That shocked me, but I brushed it off.
But then he snapped at me when he got back. And he was absent all of Wednesday and Thursday, too. I don't know where he keeps running off to. He's been around most of today, but he's been moody. I haven't said anything yet because…I don't like to be yelled at, honestly. And as much as I can hold my own in a fight, there's something else. Something…off about him. Like he has this dark cloud surrounding him, and it just…suffocates me when I'm near him.
I'm getting really worried.
When the pasta is ready and I have the sauce made, I wander back to the doorway to the living room. He's in the same position, glaring at the journal.
I open my mouth to tell him, with as much sass as I can muster, that his damn dinner is ready, but the words die in my throat.
"Ed?" I murmur instead, hating the hesitance in my voice.
"What?" He drops the journal and points his angry eyes at me.
"The, um, food is ready. If you're hungry."
"Okay." He nods. "I'll get some in a while."
"Oh." I feel deflated, though I don't know what I was expecting. "I was sort of hoping you would eat with me. I wanted to talk to you about–"
"Dammit, Winry. Not now, okay?" he bites out and turns back to his reading, wearing an irritated look.
Like I'm just a nuisance to him.
"Okay. I'll keep your food warm."
He doesn't respond, and I turn back to the two plates I already made. I put his on the warm stove, and take mine and head upstairs. If he's going to be like this, I'm not going to subject myself to it. I have commissioned automail pieces that need me.
Ed's gone again when I wake up. I never heard him come to bed, but there's a note, so I know he was here. He's going to be out all day again. He says not to wait up.
I sigh, feeling my heart getting heavy with…whatever this is. But I can't just sit around and stress out thinking about him. I have work to do.
After I get myself some breakfast, I spend the better part of the day finishing a rather tricky elbow design for a six-year-old girl, who I met after she lost three-fourths of her arm due to a tree-climbing accident that resulted in a broken bone and nasty infection, leaving no choice but amputation. Needless to say, I put a rush on it free of charge.
As soon as I have the finishing touches done, I move to start a load of laundry.
Which is when I find it.
There's a note in Ed's pants pocket. It's his handwriting. But more than that are the words.
Winry, I'm sorry. I never wanted to hurt you, but
And then it stops.
What does he mean? Is he trying to leave me? Is that... That would explain why he keeps disappearing. But then why would he still be coming back here?
Unless…
Did he… Could he have fallen for someone else?
Stupid. I mutter to myself. He's only coming back here because he feels guilty. He doesn't want to be with me, but he knows how I feel.
That this will kill me.
Oh god. What if he's with her right now?
My legs give out, and I drop to my ass on the floor among the pile of his dirty clothes. My hands won't release the pants. Or the note. I clench them tight in my fists, so hard they start shaking. All of me starts shaking.
I'm crying, I suddenly realize. There's a lump in my throat, and I'm sobbing so hard it's wracking my entire body.
How could he do this to me? Why? I don't… I don't understand.
Den finds me on the floor after what feels like forever, and lays down beside me, resting her head on my knee.
"He… What's happening to us?" I hiccup.
She whines like she knows what I'm saying, and somehow it helps.
I immediately get up off my butt and crumple the damn note, throwing it across the room. I grab his clothes and kick the whole pile of them into the closet before slamming the door.
My burst of energy fades quickly, and I feel tears stinging my throat again.
"Edward? Why?" I whisper to no one.
Den whines again, and I turn to her.
"You hungry, girl?" I swipe at my eyes, and force myself to head downstairs.
I talk to my dog, trying to keep myself together, while I feed her and take her out for a while, before bringing her in for the night.
At some point, the sun set. Ed still isn't back. I don't know if that makes me feel better or worse. If he were here… I don't know what I would say. But my imagination is torturing me every second he's not.
"I'm going to bed," I mutter.
I'm not bothering with dinner. Ed clearly isn't coming back for it, and I don't have an appetite. I might as well just go curl up under my sheets and be miserable alone in the dark.
Den curls up on the foot of the bed after I get in. At first, the only sound is her snoring, until the note pops back into my mind. After that, I can only hear my own choked sobs and the inaudible sound of my heart breaking.
Edward
The bar is closing. I should know the operating hours by now, considering how much time I've spent here. At first, I just wanted to get out of the house for a while. Clear my head. But the dreams keep getting worse, and after the last one… It was just so real. I couldn't be around Winry after that. I didn't want to put her in danger.
I still don't. But…distancing myself from her isn't helping my situation either.
Grabbing my coat off the back of my chair, I leave the appropriate amount of money on the bar to cover my tab. The walk home seems shorter than normal. The house is dark when I arrive. I frown. Usually, even when I tell her not to wait up, Winry is sitting in the living room when I come in.
At least, I can avoid that guilt trip tonight.
On the other hand… I've been a real ass to her lately. I should apologize. Hell, I should get on my knees and grovel for forgiveness. It's not like any of this shit is her fault. I just feel so frustrated and angry, and she's the only one around, so when I lash out, she takes all the hits.
I'm surprised she hasn't beaned me with a wrench yet.
When I get to the bedroom, she and Den are both curled up asleep in our bed. Being as quiet as I can, so I don't wake her, I hang my coat in the closet and pull off my clothes. Just as I close the door, I hear something.
"Winry?" I turn and look over at her, but she doesn't answer.
After I listen for a minute, and hear nothing, I cross to the bed and start to pull back the sheets when I hear it again. A sniffle.
Shit. I know that sound.
"Winry, are you okay?" I ask louder this time.
Silence.
I guess I imagined it. I flip back the covers and climb in bed beside her. I lay there for a minute, deciding if I should wake her up and try to apologize or just let her sleep before rolling onto my side and putting my back to her. She works hard. She probably needs to sleep.
Hell. I need sleep. I'm so fucking tired it's a miracle I can move. At the same time, I'm terrified that I'll have one of my dreams if I shut my eyes.
Den moves around by my feet, and I adjust my body to accommodate her. I'm finally comfortable, and can feel my body giving into sleep when I hear—
"Ed?"
"What?" I mumble, trying not to ruin my chance at rest.
"…Nevermind."
"Dammit, Winry. What? Just spit it out."
I immediately regret snapping at her, but I don't say anything else.
It's quiet for a minute, and I'm afraid I scared her.
"Winry?" I turn and look over my shoulder.
"Ed, are you upset with me?"
Oh God. Her voice is thick. I know that voice. She's crying. And not all of the sudden. She's been at it for a while. How did I not hear it?
"What?" I roll over to face her.
"You… You keep leaving, and you won't talk to me. I just… I don't understand. Is it something I did? I don't… I can't keep doing this."
Shit. Shit. Shit! I've done it. I've fucked this up. How do I fix it? What do I say?
"Winry… I…"
"We haven't talked in three days, Ed. You… I make food, but you barely even look at it before you're out the door, and then… I just feel… I'm just not…"
"Winry. Shit. I never meant for you to–"
"I found the note," she says suddenly.
"What note?" I frown.
I left her one on her pillow, yesterday, before I took off before sunrise. I only slept for an hour. The anxiety of having a dream kept me up. I didn't want to wake her, so I just…
"It was in your pocket," she goes on. "I know you didn't mean for me to see it, since it wasn't finished, but…"
Fuck. She found that note? I started it as an apology. I thought if I could write down what I needed to say, so she would forgive me for being a jerk, it would be easier, but I never actually…
"Ed?"
"Winry, it's not like–"
"Is it me? Am I just…not what you want anymore? Or…is there someone else?"
What?
"What?" I ask louder than I mean to. "Why would you think–"
"I FOUND THE NOTE!" she screeches, bolting upright, holding the blanket to her chest. "I know you're thinking about leaving me! I just… I want to know why!"
"Winry, calm down." I sit up, and reach for her, but she twists violently away from me.
"No! I want to know the truth!"
"Winry, just listen–"
"Answer my goddamn question!"
"I can't!" I bellow over her, and she instantly cowers. "Shit, Winry," I whisper. "I'm sorry. I… I'm doing this all wrong. I didn't mean to scare you. Please…just let me explain."
"Okay," she replies in a frail voice, and I want to beat myself over the head with one of her wrenches.
"I can't answer your question because it's…bullshit."
She opens her mouth, but I go on quickly.
"Here's the truth: I love you," I state plainly. "I love you so fucking much I can't even breathe when I think about you. But…recently, I've been having these dreams. Nightmares. They suck me in, and…hold me. When I wake up, I'm disoriented and not always sure where I am. They're so real, Winry. It's like I'm there."
She blinks slowly, and I sigh, hanging my head.
"I never meant for you to get hurt. Or for you to think I would…leave you. Or that I was mad at you or any of this. I know I've been treating you horribly, and I'm so damn sorry for that. But… I got scared."
"Why?" she asks softly. "One of these nightmares?"
"It was you," I tell her gently. "I…I killed you. You died in my arms."
She gasps softly, and I feel the ache in my throat.
"I couldn't look at you after that. Every time I saw you, I would see it happening again. I felt guilty, even though it was a dream, and I would never, never do that to you. I…"
"Why didn't you just tell me?"
I flinch when I feel her hand on me, running over my shoulder. Her other one comes around my other side, and she pulls me into her.
"I would've helped," she goes on. "You know you can come to me, Edward."
"Yeah." I nod. "But…this was…"
"I…I thought you didn't want me anymore," she whispers.
"God. I'm so sorry."
I lock my arms around her and crush her against my chest. I can't believe I did this to us. I was so afraid of my own mind, I risked everything. I almost destroyed her.
"Winry, forgive me," I plead into her ear. "I didn't know what to do. I–"
"You can't do this alone, Ed. This is a partnership. Equivalent exchange, right? My life for yours."
"Winry…" I sit back and look at her. "You still want to be with me?"
"Of course, I do, you idiot!" She reaches back and slaps me up the side of my head.
"Ow."
"You scared the life out of me! I thought you were through with me. If I didn't want to be with you, do you think I would've been this torn up by that?"
"Good point," I wince.
"Just…" She lets out a breath, and her voice softens. "Never do this to me again, okay? Talk to me if something is bugging you. Don't shut me out."
"I won't. I promise. I… I just don't totally know how to do this relationship thing very well yet."
"Well, here's a pointer: Don't be an asshole."
"Got it." I reach out and run my fingers through her hair. "Again. I'm sorry about this."
"It's over," she sighs, pulling me back down in the bed with her. "Let's…be done with it, okay?"
"Sounds good." I yawn, and curl her into my body. "Wait. Did you say something about equivalent exchange?"
"What?" She frowns.
"Just now. You said…'my life for yours.'" I look down at her.
"Uh, maybe, but I don't think–"
"You want to give me your whole life again?" I grin, something I almost forgot how to do.
"No, you idiot, I already gave it to you," she quips. "Just be more careful this time."
"I promise," I murmur, tilting my head to kiss her forehead.
"Goodnight, Ed," she sighs into my ear. "I'm glad I got you back."
And for the first night in a long time, I sleep without a nightmare.