It was their second night in Caemlyn. Rand lay on his bed, dozing, listening to Mat murmur fitfully in his sleep from the the other side of the window. All that day Mat hadn't moved; he just lay in there, sometimes sleeping, sometimes staring at the rough wall, always with his hand in his coat, the hilt of the dagger clenched in his fist. At least Rand had managed to get Mat to take his boots off.
As Rand was finally finding his way into real sleep, Mat gave a sharp cry, throwing the blanket off the bed. The sudden noise pulled Rand back into partial consciousness, hand shooting out to touch the blade resting in its scabbard against the wall next to his bed. As Mat quieted again, Rand let go of the sword and rising from the relative comfort of the bed, resigned himself to another few hours of sleeplessness.
He stood by Mat's bed, watching his old friend's pale face contort in response to whatever dream was tormenting him. Crouching, he held the other boy's hand in both of his. Mat stirred a bit, but did not wake.
"Burn me, Mat, what's happening to you?" Rand whispered into the dark. He recalled a time when Mat's palm hadn't been so cold, so damp.
It was the most private memory he shared with Mat. Maybe, he thought, just maybe, it would help bring Mat back to him.
"You remember that time, Mat? That night in the hayloft...."
***
They had been fifteen, spring was just giving way to summer and the warm evening held a promise of mischief. Having conveniently forgotten the switching they got from Nynaeve the last time they had tried, they stole a bottle of apple brandy and had snuck up into the hayloft above the stable.
Sitting on the edge of the loft, feet dangling into space, they passed the jug between them, enjoying the wine and the heat. They had only taken a few sips apiece when one of the doors below them opened and someone entered. Quickly pulling their legs back up, they knelt and peeked over the side to see who had interrupted them. Just as they looked, the figure passed out of site under the loft. Mat leaned farther forward, twisting around, trying to make out who was there. He over-balanced and was about to fall, when Rand grabbed him and hauled him back into a pile of hay. Clasping his hand over Mat's mouth to keep him from crying out, or laughing, Rand held onto the smaller boy, straining his ears to hear if the person below had noticed the commotion. Several long, tense moments passed, but whoever it was showed no signs of being aware he wasn't alone. Rand slowly eased his hand away from Mat's face, ready to clamp back down if Mat showed any intention of speaking.
Mat turned his head, eyes gleaming with trouble barely averted and grinned. Rand couldn't help but grin back. Rand realized he was still holding Mat to him quite tightly, and loosened his grip, but didn't remove his arm entirely, because Light knew what Mat would do if he actually let go. They lay like that, half buried in the hay, waiting for the still-unidentified person to leave. Eventually, the person left, closing the stable door behind him.
"That was close," Mat whispered, turning carefully to face his friend.
"No thanks to you," Rand replied. "Blood and ashes, Mat, one of these days I'm not going to be here to save you!"
Mat poked out his lower lip in a caricatured pout. "But you're my sidekick, it's your job to save me."
"I'm your..." Exasperated, Rand went to pull away. Before he had barely moved, Mat's arms encircled him, pulling him closer. The ridiculous pout melted away and was replaced by a look Rand had never seen on his friend's face, not in all the years they had known each other. Startled by Mat's action and a bit confused at the expression, he froze. Mat studied him wide-eyed, like he'd never even seen his best friend before.
And suddenly, Rand felt as if he had never seen Mat before, not really. The moonlight trickling in from the high windows shined on Mat's hair and made his brown eyes sparkle, revealed the flush rising in his cheeks. Reaching up cautiously, he touched Mat's face and Mat leaned into his hand, turning the simple touch to a light caress.
A cloud passed over the moon, casting the semi-dark hayloft into complete darkness. Rand felt Mat lean forward and before he knew what was happening, Mat's lips brushed against his and his hand came up to take Rand's. They stayed like that for a moment, neither moving, each savoring the other's hot breath mixing with his own, their warm, entwined hands. The cloud continued on, re-illuminating their space. Rand was the one to break away.
***
"It was only a kiss," Rand opened his eyes, not even realizing he had closed them while quietly recounting that night, "and it never happened again. I don't know why I left you alone in the hayloft after that. I shouldn't have. I..." He sighed, exhausted. Mat hadn't moved that whole time, and what little energy he had had left before was gone. He desperately needed sleep. Rising slowly, he gently placed his lips on the sleeping boy's clammy forehead as the window was darkened by a passing cloud.
"I'm sorry, Mat, I don't know if I can save you this time."