More Like Her
Description- Post Breaking Dawn. What if she'd been more like that?
Disclaimer- All existing characters and plot lines belong to Stephenie Meyer and the song More Like Her belongs to Miranda Lambert.
A/N- Though she was often bitchy, I always felt bad for Leah. So I wrote this story about what I think might be going through her head. Also, most Twilight stories are about Bella and Edward so I wanted to change it up a bit.
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She's beautiful, in her simple little way. She don't have too much to say when she gets mad. She understands, she don't let go of anything; even when the pain gets really bad. I guess I should have been more like that.
The rain had picked up and she knew it was stupid not to change, but she didn't want them hearing her thoughts. Not now. They would think about how annoyingly pathetic she was. Or worse, they would think pity thoughts. She had preferred the short time that it had been only she, Jacob and Seth. They had their own opinions, but they weren't as bad as some of the others. And having the whole lot of them in her head was humiliating. But it would not happen tonight. So she kicked at the puddles of water bitterly as she walked.
Her clothes were nearly soaked through, and if she were a normal person she would be cold. But normal was something she'd long forgotten. Being a monster was life now; a life she somehow still resented everyday. Why she had been the only girl to become a wolf was a constant thought. It was like the gods, or whoever, were punishing her for some unknown crime. Life seemed to get worse every single day. As if to emphasize that very point, the rain picked up even more. A loud boom of thunder roared as a bolt of lightening shot down in the distance. The storm was getting stronger, but she was less than a mile from home now.
Maybe she would get lucky and no one would be home. She really wasn't in the mood to be lectured by her mother. But chances were, she would be at Charlie's. That's where she spent most of her time these days. She wondered if there was anything going on between them. Yeah, maybe they were both just lonely, but her father had only been dead six months. Wasn't there some rule that said a person should wait at least a year after their spouse dies to find someone else? But despite her strong appearance, Sue Clearwater was overwhelmed by life. First, she lost her husband and then she had to deal with both of her children becoming werewolves. That would push anyone close to the edge. And though the thought of her mother ever loving another man was painful, Leah knew that as long as her mother was happy, she would do her best to be happy for her. After all, that's one thing she was really good at; being happy for other people when all she wanted to do was cry. But she wouldn't, couldn't let herself do that. Crying wouldn't change anything. Leah looked up as she reached the edge of La Push. Not far now.
She wondered when her life had gone to hell and never returned. Everything used to be so simple; life made sense. And now…well the storm was fitting. She thought back to the hellaciously crappy day she'd had. It had started off much like every other day. After breakfast she had gone, along with her little brother, to meet with the pack. Little had been going on in the two months since the clan of vampires had left. She was still a little disappointed that there had been no fight. She had been fully prepared to kick some vampire ass. Most of the pack hadn't wanted her to be a part of it all after the stunt that had almost cost Jacob his life a few weeks before, but ultimately Seth, and then Jacob himself, had come to her defense and all agreed it was best she fight. Well, all but Sam.
She felt her chest tighten at the thought of the name and wanted to scream. Why couldn't she stop these stupid feelings? Was it so much to ask that she could go a day without feeling like this? Like she had lost everything. It wasn't fair. But life never really was.
The thunder boomed again and she was sure that her house had to be close. Seth was supposed to be staying out with Jared and Paul tonight. They were teaching him how to effectively catch squirrels…or something. She tried to ignore all of their stupid thoughts. She just hoped that whatever they were doing, they weren't done yet. Seth was nowhere nearly as bad as their mom about getting in her business, but he would no doubt bug her with questions that she didn't want to answer. They all knew she was upset and they wouldn't leave it alone.
After the short meeting that morning, she had gone to see Emily. That's when she had received the slightly devastating news. Emily and Sam had set their wedding date.
December 12th.
The day that would have been her and Sam's sixth anniversary. It was the day that he had first told her he loved her. The day they were always supposed to be married on.
But that would never happen now.
Forgiving you, well, she's stronger than I am. You don't look much like a man from where I'm at. It's plain to see, desperation showed its truth. You love her and she loves you with all she has. I guess I should have been more like that.
If it was at all possible, the rain seemed to pick up even more. It was coming down in sheets, leaving a stinging sensation on her skin. She still couldn't quite believe that this was really happening. It wasn't the actual wedding itself; she had been prepared for that for a year. But they had to pick that day. Her day. It made her sick.
But what could she do. Nod her head and smile like a good maid of honor. It would be harder now, but she had no choice. Everyone expected her to be okay, so she had to be.
Leah could see her front porch, but didn't find the need to walk any faster. She was already soaked, so what was the point? But when she heard the voice behind her, she wished that she had.
"Leah," it called after her, letting her know immediately who it was.
She tried to ignore him. 'Keep walking,' she told herself. 'Just keep walking.'
"Leah wait."
But she didn't stop until she felt a hand on her arm, pulling her back.
"I need to talk to you."
"There's nothing left to say," she spat into the darkness.
"Please. You have to understand that I didn't plan for this. She picked the day."
Leah spun around to face him. "And you couldn't have said anything?"
"What was I supposed to say?" Sam demanded. "Sorry, honey, we can't get married that day because that was the date I was supposed to marry someone else."
"Don't make it sound so romantic." She pulled her arm from his grasp. "And you could have told her anything." She turned and stomped towards her house, hoping he wouldn't follow.
I should have held on to my pride.
"I know. I'm sorry."
She stopped and turned around once more. "You're sorry?" She laughed bitterly. "Well?"
"Well what?"
"Do you feel better now? Now that you've got that off your chest."
"That's not fair," he said.
"No, you wanna know what's not fair? Having to wake up everyday knowing that it's not gonna be any better than the day before. Knowing that your dad is never coming back, and that your mom has a new boyfriend, and that your brother loves his pack more than you. The pack that thinks you're a pathetic excuse for a wolf that can only seem to screw things up and get people killed. That the world would probably be a better place if you weren't even in it." Leah took a deep breath after her rant. The rain was making it hard to see now, and she'd had to yell most of what she'd just said so Sam could even hear it.
He took a few steps closer so that he was only arms length away from her. "I'm sorry about your father, you know that. And yeah, he's not coming back. But that's life, Leah. People die everyday. And we grieve. No one expects you to be over that. And your mom is just trying to cope in the best way she can. She isn't dating Charlie. He was one of your dad's best friends. He's just trying to help. And Seth is just a kid. He thinks being a wolf is fun, that doesn't mean he cares about it more than you. The pack doesn't think you're useless. And you have no right to be angry at them for not wanting you around. You always seem to bring up just what they don't want to think about and throw it in their faces." She started to interrupt but he stopped her. "And…" he lowered his voice, "this world would not be a better place without you in it."
Leah's eyes were on the ground.
I should have never let you lie.
"I'm pathetic."
"You're not pathetic."
"Aren't I? I mean, look at me," she said, stretching her arms out. "I'm upset because of a stupid day."
"It wasn't a stupid day," Sam told her.
"Don't. Don't do that."
"What? Don't do what?"
"Tell me that our time together meant something to you."
"It did."
"Did being the key word." Leah finished the trek to the front porch, suddenly tired of getting wet.
Sam followed right behind her. "What do you want me to say? I loved you, Leah. And a part of me will always love you, but…"
"But you don't want me anymore. Yeah, I get that. You made that very clear the night you broke up with me. And haven't let me forget a day since." She tried to make her words sound as harsh as she could get them. She had to stay angry. Anger was the only safe emotion.
"Why do you do that? Why do you make me out to be the bad guy? I never wanted this. I never meant to hurt you. And I'm not the one who brings it up every chance I get. It's like you want me to feel guilty all the time."
"Maybe I do. Maybe I want you to feel bad. Maybe I want you to suffer as much as I have."
I guess you got what you deserve.
She hadn't meant to say that. Thinking about hurting was one thing, but saying it out loud seemed to make it more real, and that was not what she wanted to convey to him. She wanted him to think that she blamed him; that she would never forgive him for betraying her; that she was filled with hate, not pain.
Sam was a bit taken aback by her words. He hadn't expected her to admit that. "You think this was easy for me?"
"Seemed easy enough."
"Well, it wasn't. Having to look you in the eyes and tell you that I didn't love you was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do."
Leah felt the dull ache inside of her strengthen and tried to force it back down.
"I thought it would be easier if you could hate me."
"Don't you get it, Sam? I can't hate you. I tried. I tried to blame you for everything. But the only person I could really blame was me." She said the last part a little quieter.
"How can you possibly blame yourself? What happened…it was no one's fault."
She couldn't look at him. "Still…I can't help but think that if I'd done something different…if I'd tried harder…if I'd been better…that it would have been me." She felt tears threaten to well in her eyes, but it was too late to take any of the words back now.
I guess I should have been more like her.
Sam could hear the waver in her voice and knew she wasn't angry anymore. She was sad. He felt his heart break for her and wanted, in that moment, to reach out to her, to hold her and let her cry on his shoulder. But he knew that would only make things worse, so he stayed right where he was. "Don't ever think that you weren't enough. It was never about you." He realized after the words left his mouth how they must have sounded.
"Right." Leah couldn't find it in herself to fight with him anymore. She just wanted to get in the house, where she could have a nice pathetic cry by herself.
"I didn't mean it like that. I just meant that I didn't imprint on Emily because you weren't enough, because what we had wasn't real enough. Because it was." He reached out and put a hand on her chin, forcing her to look at him. "It was. What happened was just some unexpected turn of fate."
"But why me? Why did it have to happen to me? Why does all of this keep happening to me?" She pulled back from him again. "I wake up everyday praying that the last three years of my life were just a dream. I want to be happy again."
"And you will be."
"When?" she asked him. "When? Because day after day passes and I still feel like this. And I hate it. I hate it so much."
Sam just stared at her, trying to figure out what to say. Everything running through his head would probably make the situation worse before it would make it better and he didn't think he could take seeing her like this much longer. She looked exhausted and broken, much like the night he'd told her it was over; told her he didn't love her and didn't want to be with her anymore. She hadn't said much, and he never saw her cry, but the look on her face had been enough to make him feel like he was the lowest person on the planet. She'd stared at him with wide, unbelieving eyes as he told her he was in love with Emily. He'd seen the pain and betrayal in her expression, and the look had stuck with him these last three years.
"I just want my old life back," she finally said.
"I know."
Leah took another deep breath. She'd managed to get a hold of her emotions and suddenly seemed to realize how uncomfortable she was in her soaking wet t-shirt and jeans.
"Its not gonna happen. I know that. And I'm happy for both of you. I really am. It's just hard."
"Whoever said life was supposed to be easy?"
"Someone who didn't know about vampires and werewolves."
Sam smiled slightly, glad that she at least seemed to have her sarcastic humor back.
"Well, I guess I should go change."
He glanced down at her outfit and then at himself. He was only wearing a pair of kaki shorts, but they were stuck to his legs. Though, they had both stood in the rain for some time.
"I should head home anyway. Emily will be worried."
Leah nodded. "Yeah, she does that."
Her met her eyes again and noted that the pained expression was gone. In its place was the look he was used to seeing her wear these days. He wasn't sure if that a good thing or not. But he didn't think either of them could take talking about this anymore tonight. "Alright. I guess I'll see you later then."
"Yeah."
"Goodnight Leah."
"Goodnight Sam."
She watched him walk off of her porch and down towards the road. She wondered briefly if he would change. Though his house would take five minutes to walk to, it was still raining. He made no sign of running though. When he was out of sight, Leah opened the door and stepped inside her house. Luckily, she had been right in her hopes that no one would be home.
She walked up the stairs to her bedroom, and after changing into some dry clothes, she sat down on her bed. She reached over and opened up the nightstand drawer. Inside were several photos. There was one of her and Sam on the beach and one of her on her sixteenth birthday. In all of the photos she was smiling; a happy smile. And in that moment she hoped more than anything that she would be able to find such a happiness again. The picture on the bottom was one that she looked at from time to time to remind herself of reality. It was of Sam and Emily on the night of their engagement. The pain returned as she looked at the photograph. The two of them were looking at each other like there was no one else in the world that mattered. Emily was the sweetest, kindest person she had ever known. She always gave everything she had and never let anything get her down. She never argued and never really got angry. She was everything any man could ever want, and Leah couldn't help but wonder again.
What if she'd been more like that?
She's beautiful, in her simple little way.
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A/N- Well, that's it. Review and let me know what you think.