AN: I do not own either Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D or Doctor Who. I'm bringing the two together for a little humor piece and not using them for profit. Spoilers for all of Doctor Who and for Agents up to 1x08

Intrusion

"Where are Ward and May?"

Coulson was getting impatient. It was not like them to be late for an important meeting. He could see Fitzsimmons being late because of their work but they were here sitting next to Skye, who looked like a 5th grade student about to see a slide show in class; utterly bored.

Suddenly, Ward and May ran into the room, seemingly at the same time and they seemed very rushed.

"Where were you?"

"We were going over fighting techniques" they said in unison, as if they were practicing for what to say.

Coulson decided to ignore their odd behavior for the moment and focus on the task at hand. "At 0400 hours, our SHIELD satellites picked up an unusual energy pulse in the Andes Mountains. Further reconnaissance suggests that this pulse was attributed to a strange alien artifact….."

"Not another one! D'we need to prep for Ward going nuts again?" cracked Fitz, looking very pleased with himself. Simmons silenced him with an elbow nudge and turned to Coulson. "Do we know what it is, Sir?"

"We don't know what its function is. But we have pictures of it and going by our research, you two could be familiar with it" He then showed Fitzsimmons a picture.

"It's an old British police telephone box!" cried Simmons. She looked up again "In the Andes Mountains?" Coulson nodded.

"Mae mum gave me a little'un for good luck when we came here," Fitz recounted "It's in mae room. But to find such an old relic in a faraway place…"

"We will be there in an hour" Coulson went on. "Get your equipment ready. I have a feeling this will be something very interesting."

"By the way, what "mission level" is it?" asked Skye using air quotes, still very bored about what seemed to be just a simple mission.

"We don't know. We've never faced anything like this before and so we have no attachment to it" Coulson said and then left the room

"Figures" muttered Skye and the party dispersed to pack for this mysterious endeavor..

"I must say Clara, you have outdone yourself with this one. Those cookbooks in the library are doing you wonders."

The Doctor picked up a piece of roast beef with his fork and savored the taste as he bit into it. "I haven't had this good a meal since I dined with at the Savoy when Escoffier was there. Brilliant stuff." The Doctor gave a small golf clap.

Clara smiled and gave a fake bow and then she sat down to join him in the meal. She knew that the Doctor could very easily cook for them in the massive TARDIS kitchen. But to be honest, roasted tentacle of Rutan did not seem like an appetizing venture. So while she was doing this in order to save herself a lot of time in the marble bathroom, she was also looking for a hobby to carry on while aboard the TARDIS. A few days ago, she was picked up by the Doctor and was brought here. After questioning why, the Doctor explained that he was going to a secluded spot in order to conduct some experiments on alien forms of energy and he needed a person there to watch him and possibly take control of the TARDIS should he blow himself up or anything stupid like that.

"You know," said the Doctor, pulling Clara out of thought "I could take you to meet some great chefs if you are interested, And best of all, we can eat at their restaurants for free!" He pulled out his psychic paper and suddenly gave a stern look. "Food critic, London Times" he said and then grinned.

"We'd get soooooooo fat," said Clara, shaking her head

"I do have the gym and we spend a lot of energy in our line of work. Besides Time Lord metabolic rates are much different than you humans." The Doctor suddenly paused, a shade of fear crossing his face. "There was that one time though when I went on a diet…" He shivered "Carrot juice. Spawn of the devil."

"What?"

"Sorry. Got caught in a memory. Happens from time to time. Need not to worry. Well, back to work in the lab."

All the sudden, a klaxon went off. The Doctor stood up from the dining room table and went towards the rack of wines. He pulled a bottle, the wall rotated and the rack was replaced by a small monitor station. Clara was a bit shocked.

"Can never be too careful" explained the Doctor and he turned to the monitor. "It appears that we have some company. A craft has landed about 200 meters from our location. People are now coming out of the craft. It appears to be some sort of government organization and judging by the look of them, American."

"How do you know?"

"Who else but American government agents wear black suits and sunglasses in a place like this?"

"Oh, right."

The Doctor then began to speak softer , which was a signal to Clara that he was not addressing her.

"So it seems they are interested in you, old girl." He turned his attention back to Clara. "Well, nothing to worry about."

"How can you say that? Don't you keep a spare key in the phone compartment?"

"Ah, but the key only works for me and whoever I see fit. The entrance control to the TARDIS is purely isomorphic. The only way someone else gets in is if they somehow duplicate my fingerprints and hand structure and unless one of them is an extreme expert in biology and cellular formations, in addition to being knowledgeable of alien body makeup, then we have nothing to worry about. Let them look around." The Doctor finished his bold statements by putting his hands on his lapels, something Clara had seen to before to express stability and leadership.

And total overconfidence she thought to herself.

"Oh look, we're getting audio" crowed the Doctor. "Let's see how they get on."

As the team approached the strange box, it was decided that Fitzsimmons should lead due to their knowledge concerning the look of the artifact. Fitz knew that the phone compartment would be a key point of interest. He opened it up and tried the phone.

"Nothing", he noted. But then his eye caught something. It was a small key. Fitz probably figured that the key went to the door, and so in an act of trying to prove himself, he went right to the door and began to try to open it.

Cries of "WHAT ARE YOU DOING" "YOU DON'T WHAT THAT COULD BE" and " FITZ, NO!" echoed in the mountain valley.

But to Fitz's disappointment and to everyone else's momentary relief, the door wouldn't open even though the key fit in the lock.

Fitz took the key back to the others and while Simmons was chastising him for attempting something very foolhardy, Coulson looked at the key and pondered.

"If it is alien, it would figure that this key could only be worked by the alien itself for protection. So in order to open the door, we need to simulate the alien's hand or capture the alien.

May looked on the ground near the doorway. "No footprints scorch marks or any sign of any being leaving the box. So we will have to assume that it's still inside."

"Wait a minute, have you guys lost your minds?" Ward cried "Look at how big it is. There's no way that anybody could be inside there with anything remotely dangerous. I don't think three of us could fit in there."

"Dangerous things come in all shapes and sizes of packages. The existence of Henry Pym should tell you that" warned Coulson, and then he turned his attention back to the key.

"They are very smart" admitted the Doctor. "But still unless one of them is an…..

Then the audio crackled to life. The man who appeared to be in charge called out "Simmons, you're our biology expert. Can you try and create a facsimile of this being's hand or what it uses to open this door?"

A brunette who looked like she was dressed up to either go to school or could have been a stereotypical exotic dancer in costume, but with those credentials the Doctor doubted it not that he was an expert on exotic dancing, came up to the man.

"Right away, Sir" She said "I'll start gathering biological information. I can see where I can find some already."

Clara turned to the Doctor, nervous but trying hard not to smile for seeing the Doctor caught up again in his own boisterousness. He seemed at a loss for words.

"Well, they...but I didn't…." and then Doctor uttered "Oh dear".

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