SS Superman v. Spiderman v. Batman: Who wins?

January 9, 2155. The product that the world's been waiting for: Ice 9. One bottle, many competitors. The report on PBS at 7:00 this evening.

7:00

Good evening, Oceania citizens. There have been reports that Apple has released the coveted bottle of Ice 9-Beta [show]. As many of you know, this product [zoom] has the capability of freezing any substance it reaches in record time [ice pictures]. It's been tested on everything from water to liquid gold, and works universally. Apple has been hinting at its release ever since July, and President John Bush is just waiting to get his hands on it.

However, an anonymous government official [show, blur face] has informed us that Eurasia and Panfrica have also staked claims on this precious substance. An official report from Eurasia has stated that this product is not on their list, but considering the secrecy of the EIA, our government does not know whether or not they plan to use the Ice 9-Beta as a chemical weapon.

If they decide to use said weapon, the consequences could be disastrous. Let's interview the latest expert on Ice 9-Beta, the infamous Steve Jobs, who recently had his long-awaited 200th birthday. Steve, welcome to the studio! What do you have to say about the availability of Ice 9-Beta?

"Well thank you, Joan. In a confidential meeting with leaders from Oceania, Panfrica, and Eurasia, we have determined an executive plan to keep this product from becoming the source of WWIV. Each world power will have a representative. Democratic input has led us to believe that the most popular candidates for representatives are as follows: Superman for Oceania,
Batman for Panafrica, and Spiderman for Eurasia.

The plan is this. Because this is such a powerful substance, there is indubitably going to be war. Our decision as knowlegable world leaders is to have each country's representatives to fight to the death over this bottle. We believe that this will avert the chance of war and indulge citizens' natures in one blow."

"Thank you, Steve. It was a pleasure to talk to you."

"Thank you, Joan."

"And it's back to John for the weather..."

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