I do not own the wonderful world of Harry Potter.
Where Is Your Heart
5-18-10
I've decided to start writing this because I think it will help me deal with… everything, I guess. I might let you read it, but most likely I won't. I don't want you to feel bad should you ever get your hands on this. In the event of that happening, I want you to know that I love you with my whole being and I don't blame you for anything.
I have recently realized that I am lonely and sad. I have been for a long time. I don't know how to stop these feelings from coming. You always ask if I am alright and I know I always paste on a smile and tell you everything is fine. But it's not. I don't know how to tell you that I hate being here. That if I didn't know you would despise me for it, I would end it all now. We've talked about it before. Not about me doing it, but of other people who have succeeded or attempted it. Cowards, you said. They put all their problems onto relatives and friends, because they weren't mentally strong enough to deal with them. If only you knew how I long to be gone permanently from this world. I hate to say it, but every day I hope and pray for some heinous accident to happen that would injure me enough to kill me.
I know it's veering off track, but she called today. "You okay?" she asked. No, I'm not! The screaming in my head will never reach her or you, for that matter. Told her I was fine, but sick. Which is true; I am sick. I haven't been taking care of myself like you said I should. I don't know how to get rid of the fever, besides sleep. But I have to work. If I don't go to either job, I know I'll be fired. I need the money.
Speaking of work, they all think I'm some happy go lucky person. It's all a façade. Sure, they help forget things, just like my books, but in the back of my mind I know it's all temporary. Luckily, I'm usually working or reading. It's while driving and sleeping that I can't protect myself. Those damn thoughts always come back. My dreams are horrible. I have dreams that you all forgot about me. I'm standing there, screaming at you, but you just go about your lives like I was never there. It's not like I'm invisible. I've tried to touch you and you look at me like I'm some stranger on the street asking for money. Smile, shake your head no, and turn away. I can feel my heart breaking every time.
I have to go. I'm so tired and cold because of this damn fever. Bye for now.
Hp (12:30am)
6-16-10
It's been a long time since I last wrote. I feel so much better now than I did then. I've decided to start reading about religion. Not necessarily just Christianity or Catholicism, but many different kinds. I'm hoping I'll be able to find myself or find a place for myself. Maybe I won't feel so hopeless anymore.
I'm leaving now. I'll write again later.
Hp (2:56am)
6-30-10
I can't deal with this much longer. I feel like I'm floating in an abyss that I can't get out of. I know that everyone is disappointed in me. What else is new? I haven't seen her since she left to go to the States. It doesn't look like she's ever coming back. Why would she? She has a new family and she doesn't need us anymore.
A friend told me that I was "insincere nice." I guess he's right. I'm not really happy, so any happiness is forced for the sake of my friends and family. Family I don't see because I'm too ashamed to face them.
I have to go now. Work, as always. Not really much progress there either. Hopefully, I'll be here to write later. If not, oh well…
Hp (10:00am)
6-30-10
Not much has changed since this morning. I'm still floating and lonely. The fact that I saw Luna today made me realize how unhappy I am. I almost started crying right in front of her! I'm such an idiot! I'm sure she noticed, but didn't say anything. I guess I don't understand how I'm supposed to pretend I'm happy around people who actually know me… I can't talk to her because my phone is off.
I heard a song today that really hit home. The lyrics were "I don't know what's worth fighting for or why I have to scream. I don't know why I instigate and say what I don't mean. I don't know how I got this way; I know it's not alright. So I'm breaking the habit tonight." It makes me sad to know that this is true for me.
It's late, goodnight.
Hp (11:50)
P.S. Obviously, I didn't succeed. Maybe tomorrow… Hopefully
7-24-10
I can't honestly say that I am better, but I can say that I don't feel as hopeless as I did. I feel so isolated from everyone. I know that I'm really not; or if I am, it's because I made it that way. In a way, I like having my phone turned off, but sometimes it scares me. What if something happened? I couldn't call for help and living out here in the boondocks makes it worse.
My roommate just got home… I'm afraid of talking to her cause I can't pay her and haven't been able to for a while. What if she tells me to leave? I'm moving out anyway at the beginning of October, but where would I stay until then? I don't know what I'm going to do. I sold almost all of my books to pay for my car insurance. It nearly killed me to do it; I love my books so much. I actually did keep a lot that I might have to sell to turn my phone back on.
Molly's birthday is coming up. I know I probably won't see her. I wish I could.
Hp (12:00am)
8-3-10
I almost did it. I almost ended everything. I was driving to my house after work, when I had this vision of steering the car off the cliff into the valley below. I even closed my eyes and let go of the steering wheel. Just as I was veering into oncoming traffic, I imagined what it would be like if I didn't die; if I was stuck on this earth with nothing to kill me but time. I want it to end forever; I can't be here any longer.
I know I repeat myself more often than not. I wouldn't if my problems were fixed. I don't seem to finish anything and it makes me mad. I'm too tired to even finish this, so I'll just pick it up later.
Hp (1:00am)
8-16-10
I want to go home. Only problem is, I don't know where home is. They say "Home is where the heart is." What if I can feel my heart breaking with each passing day? Just a little bit ago, I thought about her and started crying. I had to ask myself exactly why I was crying. I figured out it's because I really do need her right now. Not just a call. Please come see me…
Hp (11:45pm)
Going through all of his worldly possessions, Hermione had found the journal Harry had kept before his death. There weren't many entries, but the few that were there made her heart ache with the pain Harry had endured before he ended it.
After the war, Hermione had moved to the United States to cope with the loss of her best friend and lover, Ron Weasley. She kept in touch with Harry, though not as much as she should have. Harry had left magic behind in an effort to forget all that had happened, so the only way she could talk to him was through the phone. She had no idea he was in so much pain.
After reading his journal, Hermione knew she should have checked on him more. Maybe visited a few times… But seeing Harry brought all of the horrible memories back. If she had come a week earlier, she could have saved him, she knew it. Now, Harry was gone forever and somehow she knew it was partly her fault.
FIN