Stumbling into Darkness: By branbran0206

Summary: It's been two months since Olivia has been back from undercover and Elliot has yet to welcome her back.

Her stomach rumbled as she saw him approach walking staring straight ahead, but not really seeing anything. She wondered what he was doing in criminal cases and not in SVU, her new department rarely saw anything to do with sexual based crimes. As he neared her desk she opened her mouth to speak, but instead he looked down and gave her a nod and was gone. Willing herself not to hurt she went back to her paperwork telling herself SHE was the one who had made the decision to leave, and now that she was out she had no right to expect the same relationship that they had once shared. It was strictly business and since they had no real reason to talk anymore why force it right……right?

Her heart felt heavy for the rest of the day and she couldn't concentrate on anything expect that cold nod that he had given her earlier, It was as if a switch had been turned on inside and all the feelings that she had spent the last seven years hiding were now coming to light and it was blinding. Knowing that she headed down to the bar for a drink to calm her now churning mind before her thoughts ate her alive. Walking into the smoky bar where she used to be a regular brought a feeling of comfort and she felt a little peace of mind for just that moment.

"Benson" called Mike the bartender "Where ya been all these ugly mugs and not your pretty face"

"Aww thanks Mike I have been around; can I get a beer with a lime?"

"Anything for a police officer, hey Stabler is around here somewhere"

She went hot and cold at the same time was it too late to turn around and just head home? She had not seen him yet so she could make a break for it, she was just about to tell mike to nix the beer when she spotted him sitting at what use to be their table with an attractive curly red head. She guessed that he was either on a date or that it was his new partner either way she prayed that he didn't see her and she could get out of there unscathed. No such luck just as she was about to turn he looked up and caught her eyes and she was stuck like a deer in the headlights. It was as if all the air had been sucked out of the room and they were the only two people and everyone else was suspended in time. He broke the trance first it and everything came rushing back into focus and she was able to breathe again.

Without a second thought she left and was half way down the block when she heard her name being called.

"Olivia"

She turned to see Elliot jogging towards her, as he got closer she could see his stormy blue eyes and her heart began to do stucco beat.

"Hey El I um just came in for a quick drink."

"What do you want from me Olivia; you keep looking at me like you expect something from me?"

She stumbled and tried to keep her balance as his words assaulted her senses, she was at a loss as the angry words cut deep into her.

"El I….I don't know what to say, I mean I just wanted to see you and talk to you."

She could feel her lip start to quiver and the tears start to build, he really was done with her and she had no way to stop it. She stood silently and watched as he stood pacing with hands on hips looking towards the heavens for an answer.

"You are a real piece of work you know that, YOU left me it got too hard and you just left and now you want me to talk to you as if nothing has happened? You have got your nerve I am just starting to get back to some kind of normalcy and here you come expecting something……….well you know what sweetheart I don't have squat to give!"

Without waiting for her to respond he spun on heels and was gone leaving her cold and alone, she had no recourse and felt empty as she started to head for home.

As soon as the door to her apartment closed she let the tears flow freely and now she was sitting on her bed with her body shaking as great heaving sobs racked her body. She felt totally alone and helpless not since her mother died had she felt this kind of sorrow. Realizing that you have lost something that you hold dear to your heart is devastating and she was dying inside. That night sleep did not come with out sleeping pills and two glasses of wine to wash them down with.

For the next month and half she was a zombie stumbling through the day to day tasks, hours would melt into each other and before she noticed she was back home with no memory of ever leaving in the first place. The craziness of it all was that she knew that she was heading for a bad place but could do nothing to stop it, regret is a hard pill to swallow and she was choking and gagging on it.

Dreams were her only comfort because it was the only time that Elliot would talk to her and everything would be alright. In her dreams he would come to her with those indigo eyes no longer full of hatred and sadness, they would be filled with love and understanding and he would forgive her…..he would forgive her. She knew that everyone around her was holding their breath as they watched her self-destruct that following Monday her captain pulled her aside and told her to go home until she got it together. She wanted to tell him in that case then clear off her desk because she wasn't going to be "together" anytime soon.

Sleep had now turned into constant nightmares that left her bolting up in bed with the back of her neck covered in sweat. In the dream she was always running towards him yelling at him to stop, but by the time she reached him there was always an unidentified corpse under a sheet at her feet and with a shaky hand she pulls the sheet back and she is staring into her own glassy dead eyes. She didn't know what the dream meant but she did know that sleep was no longer an option.

It was a cold morning and sleep had been avoided at all costs, she was dizzy and reeling her body was moving at an android's pace, She put on the first thing she touched and so it was no surprise that she looked like a bag lady in bleach stained sweat pants and a sweat shirt with a rung out neck that was two sizes two big. Stuffing her feet into a pair of shoes at the door and grabbing her dress coat she stepped out into the brisk New York air and headed for a familiar place. She stood there outside waiting for what seemed like hours, just staring and willing up courage to go up the stairs, but she couldn't so she just stood there and stared. It wasn't until she realized that her entire face had gone numb that she had been lost in a daze and floating through time.

"Cut the crap Olivia" she told herself "just do it…just do it" She place her foot on the first step and started to climb and she found herself in front of his door now all she had to do was knock and tell him how sorry she was, and how badly she had been suffering, he would understand he always understood. All she had to do it was a simple task and yet impossible, she would come back tomorrow, she could do it tomorrow and then everything could go back to normal and she could sleep again. She turned and headed back down the stairs and into the now dark streets, what she didn't see was a pair of sad blue eyes watch her stumbling into the darkness.

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