By Your Harvests Combined
Summary: The time has come for the harvest sprites to ring their Bells and summon the Harvest King in order to save Castanet.
AN: So, this is my submission for Accidentally The Whole Fanfic's Boundary Buster prompt. I've never been really comfortable writing humor, and I've never tried a crossover before. Please keep this in mind while reading. This will all be very un-funny and kind of clunky. What have I done.
The Harvest Goddess, Harvest Sprites, and the Hero farmer of Castanet gathered upon the patchy snow and slate gray rock of the King's Seat, an isolated, cloud-shrouded platform nestled amidst Mount Garmon's lonely peaks. The cheerful, sunny spring day bathed the land at the foot of the mountain with a warm glow, but the atmosphere up here was as somber as a church. As cheerful as the land seemed to be, the reality was much more solemn: despite all that the farmer had done to strengthen Sephia and make the land healthy again, the Goddess's sacred Tree was still dying. It was time for the final step to be taken—time for the Harvest King to descend from his heavenly plane of existence and lend his power to them.
The five Harvest Sprites, tiny winged spots of color on the snow, stood in a circle upon the stone dais. After a short nod from Sephia, the red sprite, Alan, cleared his throat to get the others' attention.
"Is everyone ready?"
When the others nodded their agreement, Alan threw his little arms up over his head. A shimmering light appeared above him, solidifying into a bell the color of deep crimson. "Bell of Fire!" he cried, preparing to summon the sweet music of his celestial instrument, " May your-"
"Wait!"
Alan choked off his incantation as Colin, the earth sprite, interrupted him. Dropping his arms back to his sides, Alan glared across the circle at him. "What?"
"I want to ring my Bell first," Colin said plainly. He stood with his arms crossed and stared from underneath the brim of his yellow hat at Alan's now-astounded expression.
"What for?"
"Because my Bell's sound is prettier." Colin sniffed.
"But my Bell plays the melody! It sets the tone for the entire song!"
"The harmony part in the song is just as important as the melody."
"I'm not saying it's not," Alan ground out. "I'm just saying there's a process we've gotta go through. You can't just skip around the musical score and expect to get the same results."
"That's just it! You're too caught up with musical notation! If you'll just let me play my part first, I can show you how lovely music can be-how you can switch the melody and harmony's parts and still produce a symphony. Don't let the lines and spaces of the score confine you, Alan! Break free from convention! Rise above tradition!"
Alan was almost in agony. "But I'm oldest-I'm supposed to go first."
"Yo, way to ignore my impassioned speech," Colin deadpanned. "Anyway, when all of the bells are ringing, you won't be able to tell who started the song. So lemme go first."
"If the order doesn't matter, I want to Daren to go ahead of me," Ben added. He had already summoned his blue Water Bell and was holding it protectively against his chest. "He might fall asleep before I finish my part."
True enough, Daren was using his Wind Bell as an emerald-colored pillow.
"Harvest Goddess," Alan moaned, looking towards the foot of the dais at her, pleading for her help with his eyes.
Her hands still folded and eyes still closed, the Harvest Goddess sing-songed to him, "Dearest Sprites, I am dying, so please make up your minds quickly, okay?"
"Lady Sephia understands the importance of breaking free from conventions," Colin added.
Alan tossed his hands in resignation. "Okay, okay, just start the song already!"
The earth sprite demurely coughed into his hand and called for his Bell. When it materialized over his head, he said, "Play your harmony, Earth Bell!"
The yellow Bell began to swing in the air, tolling out a cheerful tune. Alan impatiently waited the correct number of beats-there were some musical conventions that you couldn't break free from, after all-and then said, rather irritably, "Ring, Bell of Fire!"
Daren was next. He mumbled his request to his Bell and promptly dozed off as his, too, began to play.
"Water Bell!" Ben cried, loving the intermittent, tinny sounds of his Bell. He was followed several beats after by Edge, who very timidly said, "Bell of Heart, please ring out for me!"
The King's Seat hummed with music that seemed charged with life. As the deep, booming bass of Edge's bell completed the blessed chorus, a few threads of light began to appear in the center of the sprites' circle. They knitted together to form a ball that grew bigger and brighter with every ringing tone.
The light became brighter, flashing intermittently with all the vibrant colors of the rainbow. Molly shaded her eyes with both of her arms, and even the Harvest Goddess had to turn her face away from the dais.
And then, out of the light came a stranger's voice, dim at first but growing louder. "By your powers combined..."
The Harvest Goddess squinted. Odd, she thought. That doesn't sound like...
The ever-expanding sphere of light suddenly shrank into itself and exploded. The brightness gradually faded away, allowing Sephia, Molly, and the sprites to look towards the center of the dais, all prepared to hail the Harvest King, who would save the Goddess Tree and truly restore health and peace to Castanet.
Sure enough, a figure had appeared within the circle of sprites. A lean, broad shouldered, muscular figure, standing with his feet planted far apart and his hands on his hips. He was clad in long gloves and knee-length boots, which all matched the deep crimson of his latex shorts and belly shirt. His skin was a disconcerting shade of sky blue and was rather…shiny.
Molly's expectant, hopeful expression morphed into one of blank shock.
"I am Captain Planet!" the figure thundered triumphantly. The sound echoed awkwardly on the mountain's rocky peaks.
Sephia's prepared greeting to her fellow deity died on her lips.
"No," Molly said under her breath, her horrified gaze locked on the man's hair-a vibrant, grass-green mane that was cut short along his forehead and the sides of his head, but flowed gloriously down to his shoulders in the back. "No."
The circle of harvest sprites were no less taken aback at the figure that towered over them on the dais. Edge, being positioned directly behind the stranger, looked up at the man's rubber-sealed buttocks and promptly burst into tears.
"It's like he's trying to shoplift a kielbasa," Colin marveled, staring at the man's crimson covered crotch in wonder.
"No!" Alan leapt forwards and grabbed the yellow sprite by the lapels. "Colin, don't look!"
"But Alan, I can see everything—"
Woodenly, Molly turned to Sephia. "You didn't do this to me," she said, her voice trembling a little. "You didn't have me work my ass off for six seasons just so we could summon a man with a green mullet."
"Molly, please, you don't understand." The Harvest Goddess, for the first time in her eternal existence, was at a loss for words. Her delicate hands fluttered in front of her mouth like nervous birds. "This man isn't the Harvest King."
"A green mullet, Harvest Goddess!"
Hearing the quiet argument, the man's light brown eyes turned in her direction. His chiseled expression twisted into surprise, then confusion. "Hello!" he said, turning to them. "Who might you ladies be?"
"Harvest Goddess, please ask him to put the bulge away," Alan hissed through his teeth.
"Ah, sir," Sephia began, rather timidly, "we were wondering the same thing about you."
The man's heroic expression grew a little tense. "Well, um, as I just stated, I'm Captain Planet, and I'm here to put a stop to whatever environmental destruction is going on. I've also got to drop a lot of puns while I'm doing so, which is a pain in the ass. So, if you could point me in the direction of the nearest oil spill so I can get this over with, I'd really appreciate it."
"We don't drill for oil around here," Molly said.
"No? What's the trouble, then?"
Before Molly could answer, Sephia cut in, "I am more concerned about you, sir. I suppose the question we should be asking is how did you get here?"
Captain Planet looked around, scratching the back of his head as he took in the mountainous surroundings. "Honestly, I don't really know," he finally said. "I usually show up in the thick of things and have to clean up everybody else's crap. I don't suppose you've seen my entourage around here, have you? If this is a prank I'm going to put my foot up that Wheeler kid's—"
"It's just us," Molly said quickly. "Anyway, thank you for showing up to help, but we've really got it covered—"
"Ah, I can't really leave without helping out," the man said, looking uncomfortable. "It's in my contract. I gotta, you know, bust up some bad guys, save some baby seals, put aluminum cans in the recycling bin. That kind of stuff." He glanced around. "You guys are sure there's no fracking going on nearby? How about burning fossil fuels?"
"But our power comes from Waffle Island's nuclear power plant," Sephia said in a cheerful voice. "It's really very clean energy."
"Yes, yes!" Molly said, catching on quickly. "We don't use wind turbines because a rare species of bird winters here and we don't want them getting killed by the turbine blades."
The superhero didn't look convinced. "Any nuclear waste dumping, then?" he asked. When Sephia shook her head, he pressed, "Overdrafting? Urban sprawl?"
"No, no," Sephia said pleasantly. "We're all doing very well, thank you."
Captain Planet sauntered to the edge of the platform, looking down the sheer drop at the land below. "Mind if I...," he began, looking over his shoulder at them, "…you know, look around a little? In case there's something nefarious going on right under your nose that you're impossibly unaware of." At Sephia's mildly amused look, he continued hastily, "Not that I don't trust you, Mrs…?"
"I am the celestial embodiment of the eternal cycle of nature, the balance of life and death, and the fruitfulness of the harvest."
"Not that I don't trust you, Mrs. Harvest, it's just that this is my shtick—"
"Believe me, we've all noticed your shtick," Molly muttered.
"—and I don't want Gaia to crawl up my ass if there's something I need to look into."
Sephia stepped aside and swept her arm to the side. "By all means."
They all watched the man step lightly to the edge of the precipice and adjust his too-short shirt. Molly stared pointedly at her boots as he passed her. His shorts made disconcerting squeaking noises with each step.
"It's like watching two squirrels fighting in a bag," Colin breathed. Beside him, Alan buried his face in his hands.
"Well, thank you, all of you," Captain Planet said, turning to them and bowing gracefully. "Rest assured that if there's any looting or polluting going on, I'll put a stop to it. And remember, the power is yours…and all that shit."
With that, he saluted them all and leapt off the edge of the mountain, his green hair catching the wind and flowing gloriously behind him as he disappeared into the clouds.
Molly turned to Sephia. Sephia turned to the harvest sprites.
"So," she said, folding her hands once more. "Shall we try that again?"
Down in the Garmon district, Luke and Owen stood before a large pile of maple logs that they'd felled and hauled back from Fugue Forest. Luke was in the middle of wiping his face with his water-soaked bandana while Owen unhooked the heavy-duty dragging chains.
"I'm beat," Owen groaned, throwing the chains in the dirt beside the pile. "Let's clean up and head down to the Bar. I'll tell Dale we're done for the day."
Luke was about to agree when a shadow eclipsed them both. They turned to see a blue-skinned man drop from the sky and land lightly on the log at the top of the pile.
"Wow," Owen said flatly.
"Mullet," was all Luke could reply.
The man stalked from one end of the pile to the other. At one point he bent at the waist to inspect the bark and Owen visibly recoiled.
"How does it all stay in there?" Luke marveled.
Hearing them, the man turned and pointed a gloved hand at them both. "You there! Were any birds' nests in the branches of these trees?"
"Uh…yes?" Luke ventured. The man clucked his tongue.
"In the future, take care to consider the wildlife that live in your forests! When you cut trees down, you eliminate their habitat piece by piece. It might not seem so bad at first, but gradual deforestation can lead to big trouble! Did you stop to consider the importance of root systems to the integrity of the soil? There could be landfalls or rock slides or—"
As the man went on, Owen leaned over and whispered, "Who is this guy?"
"I don't know," Luke said, "but I am so growing my hair out like that."
As Owen gave Luke a disgusted look, the man suddenly leapt off of the log pile and landed directly in front of them. Luke got a huge whiff of sandalwood cologne with a rather strong finish of moist latex.
"Remember," the man said, putting a heavy hand on Luke's shoulder, "always plant two trees for each one you fell. And never cut down more than you can use!"
"Sure," Owen said quickly. "We'll, uh, keep that in mind."
The man nodded once, then stepped back and leapt into the air again, the sun flashing off of his skin. They shaded their eyes and watched him fly away in awkward silence.
Then, Luke said, "I don't know why, but I've got the weirdest boner right now."