"Rude, baby, I'll be fine. Don't worry about it, yo." I planted a light kiss to my whimpering partner. Rude was always like this, panicking every time I wanted to go do something on my own. Hell it takes about 10 minutes just to say 'goodbye' to him on the phone. I guess he has abandonment issues or something. I'm one of the only people he fully trusts, and... I'm probably the only one who knows his true colors. Yeah, he acts big and tough, but really... He's just a big shy teddy bear who wants to be loved and who begs for cuddling any time he has me alone.

Eventually he calmed down enough to trust things would in fact be fine. Though he still didn't let the thought go, I could tell by the worried tone in his voice as he said "OK." For him, it was always 'Just a little bit longer'. He wanted things to last forever. It was pretty cute, actually.

I moved across the apartment to the door, and just as I turned the knob I heard Rude call out a desperate 'I love you, Reno'. Man, he's just too sweet for his own good. I've lost count of how many times he's said that in an hour. I chuckled and replied, "I love you too." then headed out the door.

Now, I don't live with Rude, even if he is my partner and all... Actually, I still live with my mother. I know, pretty dorky... But she knows nothing of my real life, she sees me as a saintly guy who's pure until marriage, someone who will settle down with a nice wife and give to the needy and enjoy everything. She doesn't believe in homosexuality, in fact, if she found out what I really was, she might have a nervous breakdown and attempt suicide. (She's threatened to do so before, but that was when she was a little manic from stress and a bad combination of medicine.)

My dad, he's a different story. I really don't like to talk about him, he's the complete opposite of my mom and half of what I've become. He was never married to my mom, and was always getting new girlfriends... I heard he'd been married 3 times, of course all ending in divorce. I've never lived with him, but as a kid I used to always visit with him. He was always drinking and smoking, (cigarettes and pot) and he loved to lie and cheat. The biker type, willing to kill, easily angered, hard to please... Though he was funny as hell, I definitely inherited his humor. He never believed I would amount to anything, and he was always insulting my mom. I wasn't like him, and he seemed to hate me for that. Often when I visited him, it would soon end with me, a frightened teenager, calling my mom or friends for help or comfort of any kind. I would be crying and trapped, dad stomping outside the door yelling, drunk, and threatening to disconnect the phone. He called me spoiled, whiny, someone who always HAD to have what they wanted.. Because he was too blind to see that it was he himself who was like that.

Along with my mom, he's against homosexuality. I think that's the only thing he has in common with her. It always makes me nervous whenever he cracks a gay joke... If he found out about me, he'd probably beat the shit out of me, or hire someone else to do it. He's too proud to have a gay son.

In fact, I think my whole family is against gays. My grandma always used to gossip about it, like it was some horrible murder crime or something, my uncle's homophobic, and I have a cousin who's also homophobic. I'm a fucking goldfish in a flock of seagulls! One wrong move and I'm dead!

Eh... I've gone off subject. Don't worry, I tend to do that. Deal with it.

Back on topic, I was heading to Rufus's place. I often saw him out of work, in fact, I knew him before I was ever a Turk, we'd always been buddies. . . Well kinda. It's hard to explain without me sounding like a total backstabber. See, for us, it's like an innocent game stretched over time into something addicting and dangerous. He knows about Rude and I, but Rude doesn't know about Rufus and me. We'd been... Doing little naughty things before Rude even admitted loving me, but Rufus never took things very seriously so I assumed he wouldn't mind if I settled down with someone... And we continued to 'play' behind Rude's back, for years now. It feels terrible but... It's something so hard to quit. And Rufus is pretty fragile, one wrong move and he could be hurting someone or himself.
Sometimes he can be really irrational, and his pissy fits can be pretty frightening. Rude has the same problem, but it's hardly ever me he gets mad at. Rufus, on the other hand, gets mad at who he wants, when he wants. I've been pretty hurt by him sometimes, but he recovers quick, as do I, and when he apologizes or cracks a joke or an old memory, it melts away. There's just... Something in his eyes that I can't resist, something that draws me to him and keeps me held in one place. They're so blue and deep, I get lost in them sometimes. And he always manages to pull off looking adorable, one way or another, no matter what he's doing. Even when he's grumping in a corner about something, the pout of his lips just... Ah, hell, it's just cute.

Hmm, you think I'm screwed up now...? Think I'm a total fiend? If so, I'm sorry you feel that way. This is all allot harder than you think, and it's only going to get deeper and far worse. This isn't even the beginning, and may not have an end. You wanna know why I do what I do? Why I can't choose, why I have so many secrets? That's fine. Because my story has much more to come. If you don't care, don't want to hear an explanation. Well. Fuck off. I'm not forcing you to read this shit. That's your own sorry choice.

-TBC-