And I'll be keeping all the letters that I wrote to you
Each one a line or two, 'I'm fine baby how are you'
Well I would send them but I know that I's just not enough
~~ Home

Koschei,

I'm not really sure why I'm writing this and I'm pretty certain I'll never send it. Not that I'd know how to send it. I probably should've listened during those lessons about space travel but that doesn't matter now. I'm sure the TARDIS could help me if I really wanted to send it. The truth is though, I'm a coward and I won't send it, because I'm scared you wouldn't read it and scared that you would read it. I was always a coward and we both know that's entirely the problem.

The thing is Koschei, when I said I love you I meant it. I always meant it. And the truth is I still do. That's not changed, to be honest I'll be surprised if it ever does change. I hurt you, I hurt you so much I know because I hurt myself just as much. When the connection broke I thought I'd never be able to breathe properly or think straight again. I'm not going to tell you what it was like though because I know you know, I know you went through that unbearable pain as well. Because of me. And I want you to know I'm sorry, I'm so so so sorry. I know sorry doesn't make up for it but hopefully you'll believe me, because I would never hurt you intentionally. Let it be a consolation that I got hurt too, all right?

The TARDIS is horrible, Kosch, it's horrible and I hate it. You probably don't want to know about it and you probably think that I deserve it to be horrible and you'd probably be right there. The thing is it's nothing like I imagined it would be. I thought it would be homely and peaceful and beautiful and instead it's just lonely. It's so lonely, a TARDIS is an unlimited space and there's no one here. Yeah, that's my own fault, I know that, but it's still lonely. I keep finding myself wondering the corridors expecting to come to some sort of end but it never does, there's always another door, another turning, another room. And no you.

I haven't even gone anywhere yet, how crazy is that? I wanted to get out here and just explore the universe and see everything and so far I haven't even left the TARDIS. I want to get used to being alone before I go out there and start getting to know the universe. I don't know if I ever will though, get used to you not being around that is. Dammit, Koschei, I hate this. I really hate this. Right now, I'm sat cross-legged in the middle of a double bed. A double-bed for god's sake, who sleeps in a double bed on their own? It's bloody huge, everything about this stupid bloody TARDIS is huge. I would give the universe right now to feel pack in, claustrophobic, just so I didn't feel like there was this never-ending space surrounding me. Of course the reason I feel like that is because there is.

Ugh. I'm rambling, sorry. Tell me something, do you hate me? I wish I knew the answer to that question, that's one of the things I most wish I knew. Yet the idea of knowing terrifies me. You said you did, you said you meant it, you said that would never change and I don't know if you really did mean it. I don't know if you were only saying it because you were upset and angry, I don't know if you only meant it at the time or if you really truly do hate me. You know, I wouldn't blame you if you did, I probably deserve it. I'm not even going to make excuses about leaving, I said all that needed saying. I was scared. I ran. It's what I do. I'm not sure that's ever going to change. The biggest problem is, I… This is going to sound so bad and that's part of the reason I'm probably never going to send this… 'Cause I love you, Koschei, I ever do and if by some crazy chance you do read this don't forget that I do love you, so much. I don't regret leaving, I regret how it happened and feeling like it needed to happen, but actually leaving I don't regret. It was necessary, I hate that it's true, but leaving was necessary because I was scared of you. I've never had someone treat me like that before and I didn't know what to do about it. I'm not… I don't even know why I'm writing this I'm not trying to justify, I'm not even trying to explain. I need to write, I guess. I want you to understand but I know there's no way to make you understand.

I'd do anything in my power to get rid of the drums and help you, Koschei, I really would. And the thing is I know you and I can't tell you I know exactly what thought just went through your head. You just thought "Yeah, Theta, I might've believed that once upon a time," and fair enough but it's still true. I promise you it's still true. If there was anything I could do to help you I would but there isn't because you gave up. I know you were fighting, I know you were always fight but at the same time you were letting them win, you were letting them make you hurt me and I couldn't deal with that. But I promise you I'll always love you, I'll always wish this could've been another way. The only thing I won't do is come back, because I can't. I need to know I can do this without you because I don't want to be scared anymore. Even if right now it doesn't feel like I can…

I'm sorry, Koschei, I'm so sorry.
All my love, always,
Theta.
X