Dear Fanfiction: Twilight Editon

by brownbagspecial

The characters of the fandom go and make their voices heard about fanfictions written about them. From sexy slash, to disturbing twist, to all around Mary Sue-ing them more than SM did. They tackle them all. T for language and references of the filthy things that go around in here.

1. Chapter 1

A Fair Warning: I have a potty mouth. I suggest if you're offended by bad words, please make a u turn and read something else. Another thing, don't get too attached to this Fanfiction series, this is my writing therapy in between story updates. Right now my main stories are: Freedom and Till Dusk.

Dear Fanfiction,

Ah I see once again I am being paired up with the utmost unusual people. How do I say this in the utmost Gentlemanly manner...?

I DON'T LIKE DICK! AND MY DICK WORKS PERFECTLY WORKS I HAVE A DAUGHTER DON"T I? *panting and slicks back hair* I'm cool, I'm cool. I am not attracted to the following:

Jacob Black...An unemployed 16 year old isn't my way to go. Also What sexual tension.

Aro

Jasper. No we do not partake in any torture porn-esque situations, and thanks to you sick, sick people Jasper is looking at me weird. Thank You.

Carslie. He is my Father. Not an excuse to role-play with daddy. *Shudders*.

In conclusion, I am happily married to my wife Bella and we have a very active sex life thank you very much. I don't have to explain myself to you people hmph! *Sulks in a corner*

Straightly Yours,

Edward Cullen.

P.S. I don't know what this Gary-Stu slur is but I feel like I should be offended.

Don't look at me like that, it seemed like a good idea at the 3 AM.