Life Has Killed the Dream I Dreamed

Rachel/Shelby

written by Stessa.

A lot of things could be said about Rachel Berry, but she wasn't one for dwelling in the past.

When something happened to her, she'd get up and go on. She didn't want to think too much about it, analyse why certain things went down the way they did. Unless, of course, it had anything to do with her professional career. If that was the case, analysis wasn't just enough; one could never think too much about what they wanted and how to reach their dreams. She'd been taught that from a very early age.

She was determined, focused, hard-working, and she didn't linger on unnecessary things. Even if, sometimes, it would have felt nice to. But mostly it felt good to be the bigger person and move on from unfortunate incidents.

Did she hold a grudge against any of the classmates who used to slushie her everyday? No, she certainly did not. She befriended them instead, when they joined Glee, and decided to help every each of them whenever they had a problem. She didn't hate Quinn for being the person behind all of her torments, and she didn't ignore Puck just because he used to throw most of them in a dumpster. She was forgiving, and she was proud to be.

Her fathers called her a strong person, someone who never gave up. And she was happy to be that person; she didn't let anything get her down. If she wanted to get to the top, she had to bounce back quickly. Even if – sometimes – it hurt.

Sometimes it hurt a lot, like now.

Rachel wasn't sure whether or not it was appropriate for her to feel the way that she did. Her encounter with Shelby Corcoran had been brief, but emotional, and while she'd been caught in the middle of it, she hadn't actually had time to think about it, because before she really had the chance, it was over. The intensity of their meeting lingered long after they'd said their last goodbyes, it stayed with her for several weeks, even if she pretended that it hadn't.

Where Shelby was everything Rachel thrived to be and more, Rachel herself had sides that Shelby could never dream of possessing. She was softer, more fragile. Rachel knew this about herself; it was a trait that she'd inherited from years of loving care from her fathers.

And though she took pride in being forgiving, being the bigger person, there were times when she wished that she wasn't like that. That she could let herself break down and cry like a little girl.

Let herself cry over losing something that she never even had.

Because she didn't. Shelby Corcoran was her mother; she carried her for nine months, she gave her life, she was a part of who Rachel is today. But she wasn't her mum. Rachel didn't have a mum, she had two fathers; two loving, devoted fathers, who'd spoiled her since she was a baby. She didn't have a mum, and though she sometimes – selfishly – wished that she did, it had been nothing like her dreams when the real thing had been right in front of her.

Was she even allowed to be sad that she'd lost Shelby and that Shelby had chosen someone else – Quinn's Baby Beth?

How could she feel sad to see her mother again when they'd parted ways, both understanding that it was for the best? She was ashamed to admit that seeing her at Regionals, that hurt a lot more than it should have done.

I have, in no way, any right to feel the way that I do. Shelby is not my mum, she's a woman. A woman who gave birth to me, but just a woman nonetheless.

Rachel spun around in her office chair and her gaze landed on the cup that stood right there on her bedside table, next to her pillow, where she slept every night. It had been there, permanently, since she brought it home from the auditorium that afternoon. The golden star always reminded her of the common ground that they shared, the things that they had in common, which was everything showbiz-related.

Her fathers didn't understand what it was like to be talented like her. They supported her every step of the way, but they didn't understand her. Shelby did. Shelby did because she'd been exactly where Rachel was today. And that golden star was the proof that Rachel needed; they weren't that different, they were very much alike. And yet, yet she wasn't good enough for Shelby and Shelby wasn't good enough for her.

She did drink water out of that cup though. Every time she woke during the night, she'd have a sip of water from that glass. She'd carry it downstairs, place it on the kitchen table while the water turned cold. She'd look outside through the window and just stare at the stars; those golden rings of fire on the dark sky. And she'd think of Shelby then, as she placed the cup beneath the tap and filled the glass to the brim. And as she sipped her water, she'd think of Shelby still, and somehow, when she returned to her warm bed, she'd feel much more secure and comforted.

But today, Rachel realised, as she stood up from the office chair, to dive into her closet for the tape recording of I Dreamed a Dream, today she didn't feel the comfort. She felt disappointed that Baby Beth was going to experience Shelby in a way that she never would. Because to Baby Beth, Shelby was a mum, and to Rachel Berry, she'd always be a mother.

So Rachel couldn't help the tears that gathered in the corners of her eyes when she thought of how unfair that seemed to be. Even if she shouldn't cry and had told herself she'd never cry because of Shelby Corcoran, she couldn't help but do it. She was supposed to be a strong person; she could take a lot of crap from her peers, but like this, like this she wasn't strong. Exactly like this, she wasn't like her mother at all. Like this, she was so, so different.

And Rachel couldn't stand the fact, that she'd inherited so many of her mother's natural genes, but not this one, this crucial one that was more important than perhaps the rest of them combined. Shelby Corcoran took no crap from anyone, but Rachel – she couldn't take it, not it all.

The brunette wiped a piece of her hair away from her face and ducked out of the closet again, tape recording firmly in hand. Right now, she just needed to feel her mother close to her once more. Even if they'd never really shared a bond like a mother and a daughter should, those few hours they'd actually spent with each other, they'd meant more to Rachel than Shelby probably knew.

For just a few hours, she'd experienced what it was like to have a mum. Not just a mother, but a real mum who did things for you. For just a while, it had felt real, kinda. Sorta. And right now, she was going through something that neither of her fathers would understand. And she didn't want them to understand, she didn't even want to talk to them about it. It'd only hurt their feelings, and it wouldn't make her feel any better.

She knew that if she could talk to Shelby, it'd be the best thing. But she couldn't do that, so the next best thing would be to listen to her, singing.

Before Rachel returned to her closet to find her old tape player, she heard her phone buzz at her desk, and quickly scurried across the floor in her knee high socks. She couldn't help but smile when she saw a picture of Quinn, Santana and Brittany on her screen. A year ago, she wouldn't have imagined that she could be receiving calls from the HBIC, but right now – she wouldn't have it any other way. And it was all down to Glee and Mr. Schue.

Threading her fingers through her hair, Rachel grabbed her sparkly cell phone and sat down on her bed. "Rachel speaking?"

"Rachel!" the three cheerleaders exclaimed at once, before they broke into a fit of giggles.

Quinn continued, "Where are you? We're all down at Breadsticks to celebrate that Glee Club gets another year!"

Brittany mumbled, "We miss you here, Rachel."

"Yeah, even if you're annoying, we really miss you." Santana added.

Rachel couldn't help the satisfying tug in the pit of her stomach as she realised that even though they all claimed to not like her that much, they did miss her presence when she wasn't there. She just hoped that this closeness that they were experiencing, that it wasn't going to evaporate during a summer apart, so when they returned next year, it'd be like this year never happened.

"Rachel?" Quinn softly questioned, and the happy cheers behind her disappeared, and Rachel suspected that she'd gone off to a little private corner to speak with her.

Rachel closed her eyes as she felt the tears come again. She didn't know if she was happy or sad, or if it was a mixture of both. If she felt like crying because Quinn and the kids from Glee were together and having fun, and they all shared something so special, or if she felt like crying because the need to feel close to her mother was just overwhelming her once more. She couldn't just be happy and go to Breadsticks with the others, not when she was having a day like this with feelings like these.

"...Berry?" Quinn continued to question, now with slight worry in her voice.

Rachel fell backwards onto the mattress with a sigh on her lips. She could feel the tears slipping from beneath her eyelids as everything came crashing down upon her. She wasn't a strong person, she couldn't handle this. But she had to pull herself together. If she wanted to become a star, she couldn't let trivial things like these bother her as much as they did. She had to stay focused with every fibre of her being. But, but... it was so hard.

She heard herself give out a whimper.

Quinn swallowed loudly. "Berry, don't make me get all worried for you! It's not a feeling I appreciate!" she barked out.

Rachel couldn't help but chuckle lowly. "I'm sorry, Quinn, I'm just-"

"Man Hands! RuPaul! Treasure Trail!" Quinn continued to address her over the phone.

And this time, Rachel couldn't help but laugh a little bit more. Because as hurtful as those names once used to be to her, now she didn't cringe at all when Quinn said them; not in the way that she said them. Because even though they were hardly friends, Quinn could never say these things to her again and actually mean them.

Quinn sighed in relief. "OK, so you've not completely lost your mind. Are you coming by Breadsticks then?"

Rachel wiped both her cheeks off with the back of her free hand. "I'm sorry Quinn, but I am in no way emotionally capable of hanging out with eleven other adolescents right now. I'm much too caught up in thoughts about Shelby Corcoran, Baby Beth and myself. I wouldn't be fully focused on spending the night celebrating with you, and I don't think that that's fair."

Quinn was quiet for a few seconds at the other end of the line. "Are you going to talk to Shelby?" she softly questioned. And Rachel realised that this might matter a bit to her as well, because after all, she'd carried Baby Beth for nine months, just like Shelby had carried her.

Rachel breathed out heavily. "No."

Quinn didn't respond.

"If I see her, I won't ignore her. But I will not contact her." Rachel said, as she sat up on her bed and straightened her skirt. "I don't think it's fair to Baby Beth. They need time to get settled appropriately and I don't want to interfere with that."

"Berry," Quinn said, a light chuckle escaping her lips, "do whatever you need to do to make yourself feel better. Then come join us at Puck's later. We'll be there all night. It wouldn't be a Glee party without you."

Quinn hung up the phone, before Rachel even had time to open her mouth, which, by all means, was pretty quickly then, and Rachel clasped her own phone shut, before throwing it on the bed. She breathed out again. Quinn was right; she just needed to cheer herself up, then go and hang out with her... well, friends. If they even were.

Rachel stood up from the bed and opened the closet where she kept all of her old costumes. With a smile on her face, she pulled out the outrageous black outfit that she and Shelby had spent hours creating one evening, because her father's attempts at sowing had been nothing short of horrible. She knew it was silly, but somehow, the sight of this dress, it made her feel happy. Whereas the cup always made her dwell in memories and the tape recording made her feel rather melancholic, this dress put a smile on her face, thinking about the good times they shared.

Dropping her skirt, her socks and her shirt to the floor, Rachel stepped into the black dress. She couldn't quite reach the zipper, but that didn't matter. Even after hanging in her closet for such a while, she could still smell Shelby on it; her perfume lingered in the fabric, and Rachel breathed in deeply, letting the scent overwhelm her senses.

She was not pathetic, she told herself, as she found her old tape player and stuck Shelby's tape into it, before pressing play. She sat down on her bed then, back against the headboard, closing her eyes as Shelby's greeting welcomed her.

Hi baby. It's your mum. I think this pretty much says it all.

So Rachel sat there, listening to I Dreamed a Dream with her fantastic Lady Gaga dress on, and her gold star cup just in reach – in case she did need it soon. And she found herself getting settled with thoughts of her mother, of Baby Beth and the unfair realities of life that had killed the dream she'd had since she was a little girl.

And even though things had hardly worked out for them, it seemed as if it was going to be okay. She was going to miss her mother, she was going to think about Shelby and Baby Beth, but even so, she'd know she had made the right decision when it came down to it. So what if the only memories she'd have of her mother was a nostalgic tape recording, an outrageous Lady Gaga outfit and a cup with a golden star on it – it was exactly what she needed.

And it probably always would be.

I had a dream my life would be
So different form this hell I'm living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed.

Hi! Thanks for reading (if you got this far).

I've been a huge fan of Glee since the show begun, but I haven't actually written anything for it yet. My favourite character is Rachel, and I plan on writing more stories revolving around her sometime in the near future. I was intrigued with Rachel and Shelby's relationship from the beginning, and I don't think that it was given enough explanation. So I wrote this one, from Rachel's point of view, because I'm just way too chicken to give Shelby's point of view a go.

Anyways! Please tell me what you think, let me know if you think that something was completely off.

Disclaimer; I don't own Glee.