Disclaimer: We don't own Saiyuki, we can only wish we had a claim to its characters and plot...you know the drill.

Warnings: crack, humor, more crack, heaps of OOC, deus ex machina and karma abuse...spoilers?

Notes: Originally an RP between one entity by the name of Tala1, and another by the name of Drac. We typed, we giggled, we decided it was safe to post after the ashes settled. Readers may also have fun trying to decipher who wrote what bits, but any kudos/cookies would be highly appreciated by BOTH authoresses, not just the one posting!

Baby Tales: A Sanzo Adventure

Prologue

Once upon a time, there was a certain serene Sanzo who believed in the uses of certain herbs and a pipe for usage in the path to enlightenment, and he got pretty damn far up it until that fateful day when he (and his attendants and a certain dark man Who Shall Not Be Named) followed a very LOUD voice in his head down to the river. Where he plucked a half-drowned rugrat from the waters, thereby saving himself one of the worst migraines in the whole of Togenkyou's history.

Not having much imagination, he named the baby after the riverwhere he found him, brought him along to annoy his bald attendants (because people who lost their hair tended to lose their senses of humor too, a fact which he found most sorrowful), and, despite much conflict over scripture inks and smoking being a Bad Habit and one unforgettable incident involving dolls and perverted transvestite youkai, they got along okay. That was, until an even more unforgettable and much more angst-laden incident which cut the serene Sanzo's stroll up enlightenment lane altogether (at least for that lifetime) and made his foundling student-cum-heir hate the rain with a deep angsty passion.

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So of course it made sense that this new and most-definitely-not-serene Genjyo Sanzo and his three sort of youkai fr--all right, stop pointing the gun, acquaintances, would be slogging their trusty Jiipu through the mud along a riverbank in a storm. Just because poor Genjyo had a day and a half earlier stuck his shorejuu against Hakkai's skull and, with slightly crazed eyes, had very -politely- bade him go on driving. And driving. And driving. And driving some more. All their readily available foodstuffs had long since been consumed by the bottomless pit hell monkey Goku (with Gojyo grabbing what he could and passing some to Hakkai--Sanzo wouldn't even eat...)

And now, this close to the river, they could hear the bloody UNGODLY loud wailing. Even over the rain. The three youkai traded glances, Hakkai halted their exhausted vehicle, and everyone gave Sanzo an expectant (and very creeped-out) look. Well, Hakkai looked at his shorejuu, which was a greater point of concern with him, but the same principle applied.

Sanzo glanced at his companions wordlessly. They gave him odd glances, which, understandably was fitting for the certain situation, though the insistent wailing had been bothering him all through the week. Even Gojyo had been wise not to disturb him. And the whole trip had been pleasantly moved on with little or no chatter. Though, the voice that had called at him like a banshee was the reason he didn't eat, even when offered.

He'd had a headache, a migraine the size of Mt. Kaka and refused to talk, and whatever anger he had was fatally expelled on youkai that demanded his sutra.

Well. That was fine it gave him an excuse to vent on something, whether it be man, beast, or in between. But this...

Without warning he kicked open the door, holding a hand to his head and dropped the gun carelessly to the seat with a groan. Almost immediately, he started slipping and sliding on the muddy banks, and learned to truly appreciate his inappropriate footwear, occasionally having to throw out an arm at some random (painful) object to steady his footing. Little by little he made it down the embankment, tripping and stomping as he reached the bottom and collapsed to his knees, heaving a sigh.

All through this, the wailing never stopped.

"Urusai…" He grumbled to himself, having to squint his pretty purple eyes to see through the rain and past his soggy damp blonde bangs. Without much thought or questioning for why he was doing this, he reached out for the random basket that had just floated up to him, grabbing one of its handles and glaring. And the wailing stopped.

"What the hell…"

Déjà vu made the world tip, and briefly he wondered why. Had he made a habit of this sometime in his past lives?

The wailing though, was now replaced by a much less audible coo for all of two seconds, and then when Sanzo was an idiot and just hung onto the basket instead of pulling it out of the water like someone sensible would, the racket started up again.

This time, the blonde got the hint and actually lifted the whole thing, not even bothering to look inside before tucking it under his arm and attempting to make his precarious way back up the rocky slope without dropping it/falling in the river/making a fool out of himself otherwise. (Though a branch hit him in the face once, which had started a sudden burst of anger and snarling. You know. The usual.)

By a supreme effort of will, cursing, and utter dumb luck, he made it back to the trusty Jeep, where his still creeped-out companions were frozen in the same positions (Sanzo dropped his gun. Sanzo never dropped his gun. Not voluntarily...), threw the basket in Gojyos lap, dropped back into shotgun (almost setting off the actual shotgun when he sat on it), gave Hakkai hand wave type #303 (get our asses to the next town STAT we're gonna be staying there for awhile), and then passed out.

Which left three sort-of-youkai craning over the soggy mess in Gojyo's freshly muddied lap.

Hakkai, having the highest IQ of the three and not being incapacitated as Sanzo was, was the one to actually open the basket at last... revealing a soaked-through wiggling little bundle capped with an awful LOT of straggling wet brown hair...

...wrapped in prayer beads, with a note.

"Waah?"

"Aha haa," Hakkai said, over the roar of the storm, "I think we should deal with this once we get out of the rain."

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Through the whole trip to the town Gojyo was pleased to note he got to slap Goku a grand total of fifteen times explaining he couldn't eat whatever was in the basket, that he couldn't touch it, although he didn't object to tossing water (more water, that is) on Sanzo's head. But lo and behold, Goku wasn't that dumb. At least not as much as people gave him credit for. Almost.

Sanzo on the other hand, stole a nap for as long as he could. Somehow, after just picking up the abomination from the river, something had eased...from the body to the soul, from the mind to the heart. All he needed was rest. Just rest. And due to a very tight unconscious grip on his gun (sure proof that he had rid himself of all status ailments,) he got that rest and a wake up call just as they arrived at the inn, by Gojyo poking him roughly.

"Wakey wakey, sunshine! We're here!"

Sanzo sat up and started shooting, so it was safe to say he was feeling (and acting) much better than before. In relative terms, anyway.

"Ne, now can I eat it?"

"No, you stupid monkey you can't eat it! IDIOT!" Gojyo smacked him upside the head.

Sanzo was about to demand knowledge of what they were talking about, when his eyes fixed on the basket, oh-so-innocent on Hakuryuu's back seat. Right. The basket. The river. The...he pulled it open.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

Sanzo jerked back with a horrified look and nearly lost his footing, blown over by the force of that horrendous wail. His lips moved, in his usual oh-so-succint words of comprehension.

"What the FUCK?"

Huge, shiny gray eyes stared back at him, chubby fingers grabbing at an imaginary object; It smiled sweetly at him...or at least, it might have been a smile behind all that hair. Long hair. Long brown unkempt still-dripping muddy hair.

"Gooo…gooo…"

"Oi, bouzu. I think it likes you…" Gojyo remarked, smirking.

"Go to hell."

"Goo?"

"You too."

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Ending Note 1: This was originally fixed (made coherent and slightly less cracktastic) by Tala1, who Drac admires for her perseverance.

Ending Note 2: This was fixed a second time (to make sure and get rid of nasty spelling errors) by Drac.

Ending Note 3: Anything we missed...is a hallucination. There is no spoon. Or FFnet decided to hate on punctuation again.

Ending Note 4: Yes, yes, there is more. Lots more. We got far in one night and have no fear. Tee-hee!