Haku: Welcome to FNN (Fire Nation news) bringing you tomorrow's news today. Live from Sozun City, the Fire Nation Capitol, I'm Haku –
Lulu: aggressively interrupts with big, stage-hogging smile – and I'm Lulu. Good evening everyone!
In today's news:
Coal prices continue to climb due to shortages caused by political unrest in the Earth Kingdom, where the Fire Nation gets most of its coal. According to recent reports, the insurgency began with a group of captives on a coal-processing ship whose representatives claim that they were being illegally held … suddenly starts fanning her face … oooh, is it getting hot in here? attempts to continue … who got hold of … OUCH! screams, and then slumps unconscious from her chair
Haku: glibly smiles and continues … The insurgencies reportedly began with a group of dangerous criminals who Fire Lord Ozai, in his infinite mercy, attempted to rehabilitate by inviting them to participate in a public-private partnership. They were provided with a unique opportunity to serve time while continuing to barely support their families by working on a coal-processing ship just outside of a harbor in the Earth Kingdom. Yet the intransigent rebels responded to the Fire Lord's generosity by stealing coal from the hold and using their illegal earth bending skills to turn it against their kind hosts and employers on the ship.
a disheveled, red-faced Lulu with charred hair emerges from beneath the news desk
And that's no Fire Lord propaganda, is it Lulu?
Lulu: shakily Ha ha ha! Heck, NO! You're such a clown, Haku!
Also in today's news, Fire Lord Ozai issued a statement regarding the insurgents in the Earth Kingdom while clearing away brush on his ranch. Even during his vacations, the Fire Lord is always hard at work!
She motions towards the video screen behind her, and an image of a hale and hearty Fire Lord Ozai appears, hacking away at brush and tree branches with a machete.
Fire Lord Ozai: As the world's only superpower, we cannot afford to hide our light beneath a bushel of coal. Instead, we need to show that we are not afraid of these infidels who choose to worship the Avatar instead of worshipping Me. We need to set shining example to the world by showing no fear and continuing to consume obscene amounts of coal. To promote patriotism, I am personally issuing tax breaks to rich people who can afford to purchase and maintain their own trains and railways. The larger, heavier and more coal-guzzling, the better. For those of my people who have the temerity to be unable to afford their own trains and railways, I will issue vouchers and tax breaks for larger and more inefficient coal-powered stoves.
Haku: Thanks, Fire Lord! Since we have a commercial break coming up, I'll start looking for a larger, less efficient, coal-guzzling stove right away!
Lulu: And, coming next: Fit at Fifty – svelte and fabulous Admiral Zhao reveals his fitness secrets; Home Safety – what to do if some seemingly sweet, innocent, 12-year-old kid appears on your doorstep claiming to be the Avatar; tomorrow's Weather – look forward to a carefree, sunny weekend, despite the skull-shaped clouds reported by that sensationalist, media-hog fortune teller from the Earth Kingdom!; and … Personal Finance – an expert explains how to prepare for when you lose your job to cheap prison labor overseas in the Earth Kingdom.