My Peanut!
As it turns out, Captain Jack Sparrow is not the only one who likes Peanuts...
[A/N: I was listening to the soundtrack for the films, and when "Two Hornpipes (Tortuga)" came on this idea just popped into my head. It's more crack fic than anything, but I can't think of a good reason why not.
Okay, that's a lie. I can think of several reasons why not, the biggest one being I'm probably gonna be a bit OOC in the writing, but I just don't care enough. For best results, listen to the aforementioned song while reading this whole trainwreck.]
It was the middle of the day during a dull and slow Wednesday aboard the Black Pearl.
why is it always a Wednesday? Captain Jack Sparrow thought to himself as he looked over the books he'd never admit to being able to read. Still it'd be something to do as they went back to port for the Rum crates they'd somehow forgotten to bring aboard. Again. For the second time. Since departing from that very same port. After buying the Rum and seeing it right outside their ship!
Why do we always forget the Rum? Jack thought to himself as he traipsed through some of the more humorous novels in search of something that would distract his brain from the lack of rum addling it.
Oh hey! Jack thought as he pulled out something by some guy called Aquinas at random, Peanut!
The man was grinning to himself as he tossed the Peanut in palm like two-face tossing his coin while making his way to the main deck. After all, Peanuts were best enjoyed outside. With Rum ideally, but he could always buy some Peanuts to enjoy the Rum with when they got back to port.
Of course, he didn't notice Mister Biggs eyeing the Peanut with much desire and somehow didn't hear the man trip up as he started to stalk his Captain. Loyalty to his Captain or no, that Peanut would be his!
It was as Jack was tossing the Peanut in the air near the stairs up to the main deck that did Joshamee Gibbs rugby tackle his captain to the floor, knocking his Captain's hat off in the process and catching the Peanut in his hand before booting it up the stairs to escape his Captain and enjoy his Peanut in peace, triumphantly roaring, "My Peanut!"
Of course, when he got upstairs Ragetti stole the Peanut mid-flight as Mr. Biggs threw the Peanut to his mouth, causing Biggs to curse and chase after the man as he declared, "My Peanut!", ignoring the rest of the crew hungrily staring at the Peanut.
Jack, meanwhile, gave the old stink eye whilst looking at something somewhere before putting on his hat, straightening it and proceeding up the stairs in his distinct swagger, muttering something about "Bloody pirates".
The deck, meanwhile, was duking it out for the Peanut. Right now, Marty had the Peanut and Mr. Biggs was chasing after the little man with his hands closing on the littler pirate's neck, though Jack tripped both of them up when they tried to dart past him as he got up the last step, catching the Peanut in his open hand before Cotton's parrot stole the Peanut from his hand and delivered it to his master chiding, "His Peanut!", who immediately booked it, but he didn't get very far before Barbossa slugged him in the stomach and took the Peanut from him whilst declaring "My Peanut!", though he barely got it to his mouth before Cotton himself stole the Peanut and tried to get it in his mouth, only for Jack the monkey to steal the Peanut and sprint to the fore of the ship, ducking under everyone and chattering away (Most guessed he was saying, "My Peanut!") only to be stopped by a deck's worth of Flintlocks firing at him, which was the cue for everyone to run to the dropped Peanut, Captain Jack Sparrow at the front of this debacle, roaring something about un-dead monkeys before crying out "Stop!"
The crew stopped, some crashing into him as he said, "First order of business when we get rum, figure out who shot the bloody monkey in the head. All agreed?"
The crew gave a synonymous cry of "Aye!" with raised fist before immediately chasing after the Peanut again, which, by this point, was in the hand of some of the background crew, who were squabbling over it until Jack ducked in and took the Peanut as it was airborne, only for Pintel to nick the Peanut from Jack with a wide grin before being decked by Ragetti of all people, going down with a cry of "Bloody pirates!" as Jack stole the Peanut from under everyone's nose, giving the impression he was still chasing it as the crew tripped and tumbled over themselves trying to get the Peanut as Jack expertly dodged between them all before making it a distance away and grinning as he thought, They will remember this as the day they almost stole a Peanut from Captain Jack Sparrow!
So he grinned a grin and held the Peanut like a trophy as he leaned a lean only he could get away with and said, "My Peanut."
He was still grinning as he showboated the gradual approach of Peanut to mouth, and he was about to eat it too when he heard the distinct sound of a Flintlock pistol cocking and felt a familiar feeling at his neck.
"Oh!" he said, eyes going wide at the sight of the pistol, causing him to slowly turn around with the look of a dead man at the gallows and looking on in surprise as he saw none other than Blackbeard himself, grinning evilly as he held out his free hand.
"My Peanut?" he asked expectantly, eyes flicking to his hand.
"Your Peanut." Jack replied in panicked note, handing the Peanut to the infamous pirate with exaggerated motions.
Then he ran back downstairs with a distinct weave, wide-eyed and mouth open as the crew watched until the door slammed behind him. And when they looked back to where Jack was, both Blackbeard, but most importantly the Peanut, were gone, and the crew gave a chorus of "Bloody Pirates!", unaware of the fact that Jack had joined in that cry with perfect timing as he picked up that book from Aquinas and wept as he read it as they resumed their duties. He really wanted a Peanut. And damn what everyone else said, he found Aquinas funny!
From up in the Crow's nest, both Will Turner and Elizabeth Swan had watched the whole debacle, breaking away from a make out session to watch the minute or so of insanity, munching on a big bowl of Peanuts and downing a nicely-sized bottle of Rum each.
"Bloody pirates..." Will muttered with an amused look on his face.
"Peanut?" said the woman at his side, and Will looked over to see her holding a single Peanut between forefinger and thumb.
"Please." he said as he put his Flintlock away. God, I love shooting that monkey in the head he thought, grinning as his head nipped forward to eat the offered Peanut.
"They are going to kill us if they see us with this stuff..." Elizabeth grinned as she held her own bottle of Rum.
"Well then yo ho!" he cheered, picking up his and smiling as they locked arms and took a long draw, resuming their make out session after they finished their drink.
[A/N: I listened to the track over one hundred and fifty times as I wrote this... Depp, if you ever see this, PLEASE make this an extra in the next DVD!
Also, I wrote the word "Peanut" forty-six times in this one-shot.]