"Don't touch me. Don't talk to me. I'll deck your smug face, too."
Can't say I wasn't expecting that. Well, maybe not that. But I sure as hell didn't expect her to say something movie-like, such as, "I still love you even though you fucked up big time," or maybe even a "we'll talk later." But Alex doesn't take other people's shit, even if she loves them. Somehow I thought I was different, but once again, that was just me being a dumbass.
I've always been a dumbass. I was a dumbass for corrupting Sean enough to steal Simpson's laptop, get in fights, drink, and in the end, break up with Emma Nelson. I was a dumbass for letting him go out with Ellie. She was just too unstable for him (kind of person takes shit from their drunk mom and then cuts themselves over it?) I was a dumbass for letting Sean use my car to go see his parents in Wasaga. Then I was a dumbass for leaving him there. (I'd never been in a car with one girl crying for two hours and the other one sitting there trying not to. I'd prefer not to ever do that again.)
I was especially a dumbass for letting Rick "overhear" Spinner and I saying that Jimmy was behind the paint and feathers bullshit. Hell, I was a dumbass for hanging out with the Spinner at all. Fucking moron; he went off and told that we did it. Bastard got me expelled and he lost all his friends. That spells out idiot right there.
But above all, I was a dumbass for cheating on Alex. She was the best thing I had, and trust me when I say that. I don't have much. I was especially stupid for doing it with her best friend and someone she hated. What type of sick person does that? Alex worked five nights out of the week, but I could have done the nice boyfriend thing and gone to pick her up and visit her and maybe fulfill my sexual needs then. She probably would have been more willing to do it at the time, too.
Emma I never regretted doing anything with, maybe because I didn't fuck her. As far as I know, she's still a virgin. But Amy? Oh god. That was a mistake. Fucking her had to be the worst thing I ever did.
That's right, I fucked her. I fucked her at least three times a week for about four months. I fucked her hard and fast till both of us came, maybe even twice. After that I'd lie on top of her and rest my head on her tits for a little bit then we'd come out of the van and went on with our lives like nothing happened. So many people had sex in that van and then acted like it never happened once they hit the real world. The ravine was an escape, but the next day reality set in and you were the same horrible person that you were the day before.
There were about twenty regulars down there. Half of them were ridden with diseases. They ranged in age from about fourteen to god knows what. I know for a fact that I got what I got from Amy, seeing as I didn't fuck around with anyone else (besides Emma, that is) and everyone of the people who came to that godforsaken place slept with her.
It's sick that I fucked around with Amy, well aware of where she'd been. But the sickest part of this whole ordeal is what I did to Emma. I stole all of her innocence. She hadn't done that much more than kiss a guy when I asked her to come to the ravine that day. At first I thought she'd be a fun girl to mess around with, just like Amy. But then I started having feelings for her. A lot like the ones I had for Alex at that. I couldn't believe I gave a shit about someone I made fun of less than a year ago. But I did, and that's why I didn't tell Alex anything about her. Emma beat her ass last year anyway. I didn't want to see a fight when this time I couldn't take a side.
I have a lot of potential. I'm a smart kid. I could have gotten a grant from the school district to go to the Auto Tech trade school. I would get high school credit to go work on cars from 3:30-7 p.m. That was some opportunity right there. But no, I chose to be a little badass and hang out with the "gangsters" (who were all a bunch of pussy ass bitches, like myself.)
I am pathetic. I can't even look myself in the eye. That's pretty bad, when you look in the mirror and have to avoid looking at your face because you're so ashamed of yourself. Thank god I'm not a girl. It's pretty fucking hard to not look at yourself in the eye when you're doing your hair and makeup.
I cheated on my girlfriend of two years for her best friend and some girl that a) she hated and b) I still care about. I can't really expect Emma to care about me, though. She told me I gave her a "Social Disease," which is exactly what I did. Before I got kicked out, I couldn't believe the bullshit I was hearing about her. The sick bastards even had nicknames for her. They singled her out because she wasn't like Amy. She was better than that. She still is. Everyone makes mistakes; she was just dumb enough to choose me to make her biggest mistake. And once again, I was the dumbass for letting her do it.
That doesn't stop me from caring about either one of those girls, however. I still would choose Alex over Emma, but Alex is definitely a lost cause. There have been so many times that I've called and then hung up as soon as I'd hear her voice because I didn't know what to say, not that she really would have wanted to talk to me anyway. But if Emma comes back, I'm jumping at the chance. I have to somehow make it up to her.
Because maybe then I wouldn't be so pathetic.