Disclaimer: I don't own Glee.
Authors note: Review, please! I love constructive criticism :)
I also apologise for any errors - I lack a beta :/
Summary: And just like that the light's been put out, leaving you wrapped in an icy blanket of darkness.
May Angels Lead You In
You'd expect it to happen on a bad day.
Well, that's not exactly true, because you'd never expect it to happen at all. But if you did, you would expect it to happen on a day where the rain and the cold and the darkness could reflect the misery it creates within you.
But it isn't a bad day – it's a beautiful day. It's your favourite kind of day, a day that has you dancing out of the front door even though you know that you're definitely going to be late to school. Although it's not entirely your fault; you didn't get your usual wake up call from her this morning, so it wasn't until your mom rushed in and pulled you out of bed that you got out of bed and by that time you only had twenty minutes until school started anyway.
It kind of shocks you when Santana isn't waiting for you at the end of your driveway, even though you probably should have guessed after the absence of her phone call. You're kind of disappointed, because it's one of those days where the sun shines so brightly you want to walk with your eyes closed to properly soak it up; but you can only do that if you have her hand there to guide you, because the last time you did it without her you ended up in the middle of the road, just a few inches left between you and the oncoming car.
So you have to walk with your eyes open on the way to school, but that's really okay when you think about it because it means that you can just soak up the beauty around you instead. You wish that Santana was here to share it with you, and thinking about her makes you really excited and fidgety, so you practically run the rest of the way to school so that you can see her sooner.
You burst through the main doors with this ridiculously dopey grin on your face, expecting to see her standing there at your lockers; waiting for you. But before you get a chance to really look, you're suddenly waylaid by three old people and manhandled through a door.
It's not until they let you go that you realise that they're not actually random old people, but actually they're Coach Sue, Mr Shue and Kurt's dad. The room that they've dragged you into is Sue's office; this is immediately obvious by the wall of trophies that reflects the sunlight so brightly it actually blinds you for a second.
Although you're mildly annoyed that they disturbed your search for Santana, you're still in a good enough mood from the awesome day that you smile at them all sweetly, waiting for them to explain why you're all here; but none of them smile back, and that annoys you because it's just plain rude.
You try to meet the men's eyes so that you can properly glare at them for their lack of niceness (because you're way too scared of Coach to even think about glaring at her – that's Santana's job), but they avoid your gaze; every time you catch them looking at you their faces fall and they have to look away. Sue is the only one who will actually look at you properly, and that's when you realise that the eyes of your stone-hearted coach are red-rimmed and swollen.
In the silence of the office, it feels like a decade before anyone speaks, and when Sue finally breaks the silence her voice was so raw and broken that she has to pause before trying once again to deliver the devastating news.
"I'm sorry, Brittany."
She doesn't try to dress it up. For the first time you can remember, she doesn't treat you like an idiot or a baby. She tells you as plainly as she can while Shuester and Burt watch you carefully for any signs of breaking.
You hold yourself together, but that's because you know that they're lying. You have to hold yourself back from screaming at them all and pulling down Sue's trophies because they're just being so mean and it's a horrible trick to play on anybody. But they're really good actors, because you almost believe that they're actually being honest.
You stop taking it in, eventually. You tune out as they try to tell you how and where and why; you don't want to know any sordid details that they've come up with for their little game because just hearing the possibilities will make you want to cry.
After you're sure that they've stopped talking, you very calmly leave your chair and walk out of the room. They call after you, but you ignore them, easily sinking in to the crowds in the hallway and disappearing out towards the sports pitches.
You try not to let their story get to you; you're as strong as you can be because you know that when she comes back she won't want to see you as anything less than that; she'll want you to be brave, and to smile (because she always says how much she loves your smile), and then she'll want to know exactly who said what so that she can go and tear them down.
So you sit on the bleachers, in the same place you always meet whenever you get lost between your classes, staring at the door and waiting for her to walk through it. It feels like hours that you're sat there, watching students come and go between free periods to lounge in the sun, your eyes never leaving that door.
When Quinn appears, you finally leave your seat. Eyes set on her face, you walk steadily towards her with the words ready on your lips – "Do you know where she is?" – but before you can even speak it she lets out a heart wrenching sob, and you finally notice the way her face is wet with tears.
Instinctively you wrap your arms around her and rub soothingly up and down her back, whispering meaningless words into her ear as you wait for her to relax again. You can sense her confusion, but don't really understand it. When she finally pulls away to look at you with question in her eyes, you only give a determined nod and speak for the first time that morning.
"She'll be here soon."
Your voice comes out a lot weaker than you intend it to, but you're not finished. Even as Quinn's face falls you clear your throat to explain yourself, a strange certainty behind your words.
"I always come here when I get lost, and she always knows to find me here. Sometimes I still get lost here. But no matter how many times I get lost, no matter how scared I am, she finds me here and then it's all okay again. She'll find me soon – she'll be here. "
Quinn's suddenly crying again, and crying so hard that you can see her body shake with every sob. She shakes her head, even as you nod to yourself, and she looks so crushed that it sort of makes you want to cry too. She reaches out for your hand, and when you frown at the contact she pulls you into a strong, shaky hug.
"Oh, Britt. I'm so sorry."
You push her away from you to look at her face, eyes narrowed and full of unspoken questions. Quinn lets out one final, gut twisting sob before she stills herself and meets your gaze. Her hands move to your shoulders and she maintains eye contact, knowing well enough that it is the only way to keep you focused in situations like this. And even though her voice breaks half way through, she manages to stop herself breaking down into another round of tears.
"Brittany, Santana's not coming back. She is never coming back."
Even when she says it so clearly, so plainly, you can't really make sense of it for a while. When it first registers, you want to scream at her as well, to ask her how she could be so mean to go along with coach's joke; but you know, with the absolute certainty you usually lack, that Quinn's tears are real.
And suddenly the truth hits you like a wrecking ball, with enough force to bring you to your knees.
You still don't cry. You want to be brave for Santana, to be strong enough for both of you, but Quinn wraps her arms around you as you fall to the ground, eyes wide and unseeing. Outside, you gaze at all of the students lying on the grass of the pitches, easy smiles on their faces; and you feel a horrible sense of inequality, that all of those people can be sat in the sun and bask in its beauty when your sun is gone. The one thing that had brought any light to your life had been brutally ripped away, and now you're drowned in shadows.
Quinn has to leave after an hour or so. Her mum arrives to pick her up and she offers to take you home as well, but you can't face it. You can't face the house that holds so many memories; that had been her home as much as it has been yours. Instead, you just sit in the grass of the pitches as the students slowly drain from the school.
It's almost dark by the time Puck comes to you. The school has officially closed and even the janitor has gone home, but as strong as you're trying to be you just can't lift yourself from the ground and force your feet to move one in front of the other without Santana there to hold your hand. It's like you don't know how to, anymore; she was always the one to answer your questions, to make sense of the world for you, but now she's gone and you can barely even remember your own name.
Puck tells you that you need to go home, but you just stare blankly up at him, unblinking. You wonder who he is, whether he really is the person that you think you've known all this time; the tough, strong playboy without a care in the world. The tears and pity in his eyes tell you otherwise; of course he cared.
He eventually realises that you're not going to move, so he goes to pick you up – and that's when you scream. You've forgotten how to form words and there's this massive pressure building up in your chest, filling you with hurt, anger, fear and overwhelming loneliness; everything just feels so wrong without her, so foreign, and it all pours out of you in a scream so long and so desperate that they can probably hear you all across Lima.
But Puck barely flinches away from you. He lifts you into his arms and holds you against his chest, even as you beat your fists against him and just keep on screaming. Slowly, though, as the steady rhythm of his walk rocks you from side to side, the screams fade out into heart wrenching sobs, sobs that could break even the strongest of men.
That's when Puck sits down on the bench, cuddling you into him and murmuring soothing noises into your ear. Eventually the words start to become clear; he tells you how sorry he is, and he tells you that he's there for you - that they're all there for you. But none of it matters, and you just keep on crying.
"Santana-"
It's not until he finally mentions her name that you start to listen. He sort of chokes on it, as if it's really hard for him to say, but he works his way through it so that he can make his point.
"Santana still loves you, Britt. I know she's not here to say it, but if there's anything in this world that I'm certain of, it's that. She still loves you, and she will always love you." By this point you have stopped sobbing so that you can hear him properly, but the tears still rain down your face as you clutch tighter to his shirt.
"Hey, look up there," he asks you, detaching one of your hands and lifting it to point towards the now black sky, "you know that the stars never come out in Lima. Don't blame them – why would anything beautiful want to be in this dead-beat town?" He laughs, and you frown, not really understanding. But he notices your expression and smiles sadly, pointing your hand towards the sky again. And then you see it.
A single, beautiful white star hangs in the darkness, sparkling with a brightness you've never seen anywhere before. Your mouth falls open in awe, and even as Puck releases your hand your arm continues to hang in the air, reaching out towards the diamond above you as if trying to grab it.
"That star, right there?" he comments, still with the sad, soft smile you've never seen him wear before, "I know that it's no ordinary star. That's her – our superstar. And she's smiling down on you, watching over you, and telling you she loves you."
You wish you could have seen this side of Puck before, under better circumstances. You take in his words, the first words you've heard all day that you don't want to fight against. Leaning back against his chest you keep your eyes on the star, refusing to let it out of your sight for even a second.
Puck lets out a sigh and leans his head against your shoulder. You realise that he must be tired, having carried you almost half way back to your house, and for a moment you feel a flash of guilt. But he wouldn't have done it if he hadn't wanted to, so you let it go.
The pair of you stay there for a while, cuddled on the park bench as you gaze up into the sky. Eventually Puck gathers the strength to lift you again and carry you the rest of the way home – you're pretty sure your legs still don't work – and you keep that star with you the entire time.
Then, when you're in your room that evening and finally ready for bed, you take one last look outside the window and find your superstar almost immediately. She winks at you, and although you're crying again it's getting better, because this time you can feel her with you. She isn't gone.
And you will never let her be gone.