Disclaimer: I do not own Merlin! I just thought I'd write a small little piece for you guys because it's taking me so long to do chapter 4 of Teen Scream! 2 and I felt guilty at not giving you lot something to read. Just to reassure you, I haven't given up on Teen Scream! 2, it's coming along nicely, but I've got all my A Level exams coming up, so my revision is taking a priority right now! Again, I apologise and give you this as a little bribery to wait for me. Enjoy!
I don't even know why I'm writing this to you really, but I feel like I need to tell someone about how I'm feeling. I guess I should just go right into it.
Sometimes when I think about some of the choices that I've made, I feel sick. Like something is trying to claw its way up from my stomach, something huge and revolting and no matter how hard I try to ignore it, it just wiggles around, not letting me sleep. Nights like those are an endless circle of 'what if...' and bad decisions that haunt me, as though they've been dragged from the grave. On those nights I always have some form of nightmare when I finally fall asleep, whether it is something that I've already witnessed or a horrible brand of torturous images that my mind seems to create for me. For example, I awoke last night to find a figure standing over me, a figure that looked remarkably like Arthur, pointing his sword and whispering "you lied to me". It was just another dream though, a hallucination of sorts. I think that terrified me more than anything really. I was so close to screaming until my lungs withered from the lack of oxygen, when I realised that even if I did scream, who would save me? Gaius would certainly be no match for Arthur. But then again, these night-time visions are nothing new you see. Just an old fear back to taunt me.
Sometimes when I reflect on my decisions, my decision to keep my magic a secret even though Arthur is now King, my gut clenches when I think of all the trouble and hurt I know my decision will leave in its wake. One small thing that spreads, like ripples in water, causing chaos where they touch. So I curl up in a ball, my head under the blankets and my feet drawn up so that my knees dig into my chest, as that way I can't be dragged out of bed by my ankle or hair. Sometimes I can't sleep with my back to the door, lest it comes in and hovers over me while I sleep. It's nights like these where my thoughts plague me, therefore I lie there, eyes wide open should my deeds come back to claim me, until sleep finally smothers me in her sickly blanket.
I know that if I told you this in person, you would just look at me and say 'you idiot Merlin' for having kept it from you for so long. You'd probably show some kind of affection whether it is a punch to the arm or a brief hug.
I miss you Will.
Yours truly,
Merlin
P.S. I promise to stop writing you letters.