A/N Okay…I wrote this ages ago and I just found it on my PC…but I'm posting it now.
Only people who find crack fics funny should go on…I was high…I was crazy and I wrote this OOC insanely hilarious thing, for people who might like it to read…If you dare…read on!
Disclaimer: I DON'T OWN IT! Waaaaaaaah!
Sasuke walked down the Konoha paths his head pounding and his throat dry. The last mission their silly sensei had made them accept was a stupid D rank of helping an old prune find her scruffy little dog. It had taken them about twenty minutes in the heavy pouring rain and none of the team members had been remotely happy when the old bat had refused to pay at the end.
Sasuke suspected he had pneumonia. Though he would never admit that to anyone of course. That would be weakness. He wasn't weak. He was hard. Unlike stupid Naruto who kept on wailing to Sakura that his nose was all runny and his snot was like acid eating away at his nose. Stupid Naruto. No, Sasuke wasn't a happy bunny…or a happy little wolf either.
"Ah..." Itachi had once said to his little brother, years and years ago before he went and slaughtered everyone, "Life is a beautiful bliss. One can never truly be unhappy, when surrounded by those who love and care."
"Aniki! I love you, I'll never be unhappy!" A young and naïve Sasuke had replied.
But that was in the past. All gone. And Sasuke would never love, care or be happy ever again until his accursed older sibling was lying dead in his hands after he'd annihilated him with some ingenious new jutsu he'd invent all by himself.
Sasuke cleared his throat. His hair was still dripping and his clothes were soaked through. His throat really bloody hurt.
The young ninja turned left, right, and then left again, until he arrived at his little apartment. He leapt up to the second floor and sighed as the key he rammed into the lock clicked open. He rushed straight into the shower and peeled his clothes off, flinging them haphazardly onto the cold slippery tiles.
Water rushed down over his pained head and he reached out for his shower gel, which always sat on the corner shelf in the shower cubicle, only to find that it was missing. He looked at the empty space confusedly for a moment before realising he was not alone.
"Show yourself!" Sasuke growled spinning around and snatching a towel from the side to wrap tightly around his lower half.
"My, my…" A cold voice muttered from the open window, "Sasuke-kun did your mother not teach you any manners?"
Sasuke's eyes widened, "O-Orochimaru?"
"Yes-s-s-s-s," The voice cackled eerily, "I've come for my little sugar lump at last…"
Sasuke ripped off his towel and flung it into Orochimaru's face, before laughing stupidly to himself and running into his bedroom, where he snatched up some fresh clothes and pulled them on hastily.
"Sasuke-kun…" Orochimaru cried joining him in the room, "It's time."
Sasuke grinned, "I know. It's time for me to gain strength and power and destroy a certain man…"
"What! Me!"
Sasuke sweat dropped, "No you buffoon. Uchiha Bastard Sasuke – oops – I mean Itachi!"
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Meanwhile…
Kabuto was just climbing out of a huge black silk bed nudified and yawning furiously. He scratched his head and put his glasses on grinning happily.
"Aw…" A handsome voice groaned from within the covers, "Kabuto…Come back…"
Kabuto turned to the lump in the covers and smiled, "Sorry Itachi-sama, I gotta get ready for work. Today Orochimaru-sama says he's gonna pick up Sasuke and were gonna go skydiving! Won't it be fun?"
Uchiha Itachi reared his head from the covers, a slanted smile over his face, "Really?"
Kabuto smiled, "Yeah."
Itachi got out of bed, Lo and behold! Grand nudiness too!
"Race you to the shower?" Itachi sniggered and they both ran off like at the nudified nudey marathon or something, squishing into the shower like two thick planks of trout.
"Hey…" Grumbled a deep voice from the big bed, "You forgot me!" It was Kisame and his some-R-harder and he dashed into the shower too, crushing both of the pony tailed lads into a wondrous fun fun fun land of wet stuff.
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Kakashi was deeply absorbed in the latest Icha Icha book ('Icha Icha Whoa not that! Don't hit that!'). And his face was turning red from all those naughty little words dancing around his brain.
"Hehehe!" Kakashi grinned as everything began to get very hot and saucy.
"KAKASHI!" Iruka roared from across Konoha as he zoomed across the pathways, kicking up dust, dirt and old ladies who wouldn't pay up.
"What?" Kakashi said as Iruka ran right up to him so that they were nose to nose, eyes parallel to eye.
"Kakashi!" Iruka repeated, "You forgot!"
"What!"
"Y-You…You forgot…" Iruka became quieter eyes watering, "You forgot my birthday…"
Kakashi's mouth wavered around thinking of an excuse, "I-I um…I'm sorry, I was…um…rescuing my maiden aunt from the north um, south harbour…"
Iruka grabbed his ear and held it until it burnt red next to his silver fluffy hair.
"YOU HAVE NO AUNT!" Iruka shouted into the poor ear, "YOU HAVE NO FAMILY! STOP BLOODY LYING TO ME I'M A TEACHER! I CAN BLOODY TELL!"
Kakashi began seeing little spots before his eyes and he grinned a bit wobbly, "Oh…Then…Um…I guess I'm…just sorry...I forgot."
Iruka ripped Kakashi's mask off and grabbed Kakashi's lips with a death grip between his fingers.
"You what Kakashi!" Iruka grinned evilly as Kakashi squirmed and his face went a funny colour, "You what! I'm sorry, speak up jounin!"
Kakashi winced and seized the teacher's buttocks firmly, shocking Iruka into releasing him. Then as Iruka gasped and was about to thump him one, he slipped his mask back up and poofed away.
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"Okay Sasuke…" Orochimaru curled his tongue around his lips, "This is how the plan works…I teach you a new jutsu and you get to use it on your big bro."
"Yes Orochimaru-san," Sasuke said excitedly, though obviously trying to hide this excitement, because duh! He is Uchiha Sasuke, the hard little man.
"Okay…" Orochimaru grinned as they stood in a warm chamber of the Orochimaru hideout, "You put your left leg in…left leg out, in out in out, shake it all about!"
Sasuke cringed and clenched his fists, "How the hell is that going to kill Itachi!"
"Oh…Is that what you wanted to do? Okay, okay…" Orochimaru grinned, "Here's what you do…Take your tongue like so."
Orochimaru stretched his tongue out of mouth and stood on it with his left foot, before attempting to mumble a jutsu.
It sounded like this, "Shakakamunowanikanknobuttsu!"
Kakashi suddenly poofed beside them, "Oops…didn't know I'd end up here…Must consult the map next time!"
Sasuke frowned, "Sensei, teach me a killer jutsu."
Kakashi grinned and whispered something into his students ear, before poofing off again.
"Whadridhesway?" Orochimaru asked, still standing on his own fat tongue.
Sasuke just laughed…evilly, "Hehehhehehehehehhe…HAHAHAGAGFADAFAAGDFAFFHAAHAHADGAHAHAHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"
Itachi was gonna be toast.
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Kabuto, Itachi and Kisame looked out from the steamingly damp shower. Kabuto's glasses were way steamed up so he had thrown them on the bathroom floor. Itachi had a bottle of shower bubble thingy and Kisame had a big swollen sponge.
"Aniki!" Sasuke screamed having burst into the bathroom, Orochimaru grinning close behind.
"Sasuke!" Itachi said in shock.
"OMG!" Sasuke squealed, "EWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!"
Kisame growled, "What! Never seen three hot bods crammed into a little cubicle before!"
"No!" Sasuke snapped turning away, wanting to scratch his eyes out with a spade.
"Go on Sasuke, my widdle sexy baby…use your new jutsu!" Orochimaru cheered, curious to what Kakashi had told him.
Sasuke turned to face the three nudies again, eye squished shut as he formed a hand seal that looked like his fingers were mega tangled.
"Icha Icha Super Powered Jutsu!" He yelled.
"Uh…Oh…" Orochimaru said quietly, understanding now, exactly what Sasuke had been taught. He squealed and ran into the bedroom, where he flung himself to the other side of the bed and landed with a thunk, "Ow…"
Sasuke's eyes shot open wide and he gasped, "OMG! What kind of freakish jutsu is this!"
Kabuto, Itachi and Kisame crammed into the shower were pushing and shoving in a desperate attempt to get out of firing range, but much to no avail as their wet skin cemented them all together.
"Argh! No!" Kabuto cried as Itachi's hand pushed at his head.
"Stop! Stop! Stupid Sasuke!" Itachi yelled as Kabuto slipped and sent a foot somewhere painful.
"Damn it! I'm doomed!" Kisame wailed as the other two flailed about in front of him.
It was too late…Sasuke was already powering up. The jutsu made the chakra flow fill up big time and before he knew it…He exploded. The ground rumbled furiously, threatening to crack and fall to hell, as Orochimaru rolled backwards by the sheer force of power, along with the bed which skidded sideways and crushed him into the wall. Uchiha Sasuke…all over the bathroom.
Kabuto spat a white substance similar to fire extinguishing foam, whilst Itachi wriggled screaming, "Argh it burns! ARRRRGH!" And Kisame…Well…he was happy licking it all of as if it was low fat cream.
Orochimaru sweat dropped and left the building, making it clear that he was definitely NOT tidying this mess up. And Sasuke…Poor little Sasuke…He laid on the floor with frazzled clothes and mega swirly eyes…
As Orochimaru ran back into Konoha hoping to find the latest 'Long Things' magazine, he bumped into Kakashi, who was fleeing from a severely irritated Iruka.
"KAKASHI!" Iruka snarled, "YOU BETTER GIVE ME WHAT YOU PROMISED FOR MY BIRTHDAY! YOU BETTER GIVE IT TO ME NOW!"
Kakashi sighed and spun round stopping abruptly so that the furious teacher slammed into him and bounced back off.
"Okay Iruka…Happy Birthday…" Kakashi said as the ka-wa-ii teachers eyes lit up excitedly, "Here's your pressie…Icha…Icha…Super…Powered…Jutsu…"
BOOM! Konoha was layered in white stuff like Christmas and Iruka fell dementedly in it and made snow angels, whilst Kakashi winced and passed out from immense exhaustion. The poor guy.
END
A/N I told you it was crazy…but I hope somehow…you liked it…
No flames, but please review if you did like!