WARNING THIS STORY HAS YAOI AND SELFCEST AND MPREG VIEWER DISCRETION ADVISED!
IF YOU READ THE DESCRIPTION AND WARNING KEPT READING ANYWAY AND GOT OFFENDED THEN THAT"S YOUR OWN FAULT DUMMY!
XXXXXXXXXXXX
HOW?! Chapter 1 I DON'T HAVE A VAGINA
It was a lukewarm spring night. The wind was blowing southeast at 12 mph, and there was a 40% chance of rain. Naruto had come home from a mission involving tangerines, folk rock, trigonometry and monkeys, and was pretty much just sitting there, being bored.
Naruto decided to do what any teenager with his powers would do: copious sexing. He made a shadow clone, then used the Sexy no Jutsu to turn himself into a lady, and proceeded to rock his own world.
XXXXXXXXXXXX
Months Later…
Naruto was watching Pokémon when he suddenly felt really nauseous. He ran to the loo and puked gross, smelly chunks all over the place. "Why the hell do I keep barfing?" he pondered. He had barfed yesterday, and the day before as well. "I should probably see a doctor about this. Believe it." Thus, he ventured to the hospital.
XXXXXXXXXXXX
Meanwhile, at The Anus Bleacher's office in Sunagakure…
Gaara was getting his anus bleached as he was really self conscious about his anus' appearance. Lately he had been having many gay thoughts and he realized that...he was gay! And he wanted to have sex with men! In the anus! But he especially wanted to have sex with...Naruto Uzumaki!1!
Naruto had helped him become a not serial killer and he rescued him from Akatsuki that one time...Well, technically he didn't rescue him, and a cool old lady had had to resurrect him, but the leaf ninja tried and that's what counts. Ever since then Gaara had the hots for him. But he was afraid that Naruto would think his anus was hideous and would laugh at him and not have sex with it. The thought kept him up at night so he had gone to get it bleached.
"The bleaching is complete!" declared The Anus Bleacher, a stout middle-aged woman. She had been an anus bleacher for over two decades and had mastered her craft. She bequeathed to Gaara a hand mirror so he could admire her work. "It's beautiful!" he gasped, in awe of his anus' beauty. He gazed upon it from several differing angles, and when he was satisfied he pulled his pants up, paid The Anus Bleacher and thanked her, and went to get a bacon burger before retiring to his abode.
XXXXXXXXXXXX
Back in Konoha…
Tsunade walked back into the room with Naruto's test results. "Okay, I've got good news and bad news. The good news is, you aren't dying of horrible butt cancer. The bad news is you're pregnant."
"WHAT! I HAVEN'T EVEN HAD SEX WITH ANYONE RECENTLY! I'M SO LONELY WILL YOU SET ME UP WITH THAT HOT NURSE?"
"She's a lesbian. And are you sure you haven't had sex with anyone? Not even…YOUR OWN SHADOW CLONES?"
"Shadow clones can't get people pregnant!...um, can they?"
"Yes they can! I thought that was common knowledge! Doesn't the ninja school teach ninja sex-ed anymore?"
"No. Well, shit maybe I am preg-WAIT A MINUTE I DON'T HAVE A VAGINA HOW COULD I GET PREGNANT!"
"Look, we live in a universe where weird shit happens all the time. People breathe fire and walk on water and shit, people get brought back to life, there are, like, some giant, talking frogs or something. Is a man getting pregnant really that out of place here? Just roll with it, man."
...
"THAT DIDN'T EXPLAIN ANYTHING!"
"Just roll with it."
"You don't even know, do you!?"
"I'm on so many painkillers right now."
"I want a second opinion, believe it!"
Naruto then went to a different, less stoned doctor, who confirmed that he was indeed pregnant, alas, he was too busy yanking it to a diagram of female genitalia to explain anything.
XXXXXXXXXXXXX
A/N I know what you're thinking, but anal bleaching isn't something I just made up, it's an actual thing people do. Google it. Or don't, there might be some NSFW pictures.
other A/N Also, schools need start teaching sex ed again so teenage boys will know that they have to use a condom when they're doing it with their clones or they'll have a baby out their bum.
...My school didn't have sex ed.