This is the first Fosters story I've ever attempted because I found whilst browsing there isn't alot of Fanfiction about this show... so.
I don't own The fosters or characters no infringement intended, nor do I own the lyrics from florence + machines No light, No light.
I am however using some of the lyrics as a sort of prologue, so you can make assumptions of what is to come, any trigger warnings will be mentioned chapter by chapter.
speech '' ''
quoted speech in italics '' ''
inner thoughts in italics ' '
You are the hole in my head
You are the space in my bed
You are the silence in between
What I thought and what I said
You are the night time fear
You are the morning when it's clear
When it's over you're the start
You're my head, you're my heart
You want a revelation,
You wanna get it right
But it's a conversation,
I just can't have tonight
You want a revelation
Some kind of resolution
You want a revelation
Would you leave me,
If I told you what I've done?
And would you need me,
If I told you what I've become?
'Cause it's so easy,
To say it to a crowd
But it's so hard, my love,
To say it to you out loud
You want a revelation,
You wanna get it right
But it's a conversation,
I just can't have tonight
You want a revelation, some kind of resolution
Tell me what you want me to say.
Mariana was for the most part a pretty upbeat person, of course it hadn't always been this way. When the Fosters had originally took her and Jesus in she'd been a shell of her current self, her fears and vunerabilities magnified. Her eyes used to dart around her surroundings looking for comfort a small place to hide and just be, soft comforters helped but Jesus most of all. He was her rock in a storm, something ...someone to cling to, but can the same be said now?
There were more of the Adams Fosters now, Brandon, Callie, Jesus, Jude and herself not to mention Mom, Mama; maybe even Mike and Ana at a push but they weren't who she'd turn to in a time of crisis, if she was completely honest with herself.
By some peoples logic it is those you love that you turn to, to trust, in your darkest hour. However by others, it is those you love you shield and therefore choose to carry your burdens alone. Mariana wasn't certain which side she fell on.
I guess you could say it all began around the time Mariana broke up with Mat, she believed that she wanted more with him, that was until he said he was going on tour. It was then she relised something was amiss, she felt relief, there was an out and she was going to take it. When telling him that she couldn't continue their relationship any further, he took it hard arguing that it was just for a short while and he'd be back soon enough. However Mariana couldn't be swayed, It was now or never. Mari didn't want to hurt Mat, quite the opposite but feeling a sense of weight being lifted at the prospect of him leaving was as big a sign as any, she couldn't use him to fill a void he was never going to fill.
Whilst summer past over swiftly her family could see changes in Mariana she was quieter more reserved than the norm...conscientious even, but at the same time filling up her social calender and out of school revision to replace the deficit having no boyfriend left. Thankfully filling up this time helped her avoid any serious sit downs with her moms, as they chalked it up to her resent break up. Lena was even pleasantly surprised as she usually set extracuricular work anyway if the kids chose to leave their minds vacant too long, which in her words would lead to ''A poor start to a new term.'' She didn't ask for much though, a book here and there, this summer Mariana needed no persuation.
Her days blurred into one focusing on work or dance or giving more to her friendships with Emma and the other girls, but negated attention when directed solely at her. Mariana had also taken up jogging to improve her flexibility and speed or so she told herself, daily waking at 6.30 with the strict rule of not overdoing it from her mothers. Mariana simply told them it was for improving her performances in the coming year and promised to take it easy, truth was it was one of the few activities that silenced the reverberating questions constantly running through her mind. 'Why was I so relieved when I broke up with him?' 'Why wasn't he enough?' 'What am I missing?' 'Am I supposed to feel this empty?' 'Am I selfish for feeling this way?' . Truth is what started as relief ebbed into melancholy, she couldn't find a reason for it, she didn't feel guilty so then, what was it?