Penguin: I am ever so sorry for rewriting this story, but I didn't like it. I apologize many times to you all.

So, without further delay, I give you the first rewritten chapter of Jezebel's Adventures in Wonderland.

Ah, little cousins. They are a joy, no? Well, my answer is no, because I despise my little cousin. And her friends. But this isn't an unreasonable hate. No, they played "ruin Jezebel's clothes with scissors" after forcing me into some goth-ballerina outfit. I might have deserved it, though; I had called them vertically challenged earlier, but I digress.

Anyway, this being the cliché story that it is, I'll introduce myself. My name, not that it's important, is Jezebel Anderson. I mainly go by Jazz or Bell, but not Bella, as a (most severely punished) friend once did. I'm pale with brown hair, though I dyed it dark teal last Tuesday. Hm, other things that describe me... well, ridiculously pasty skin, a slender build, wavy brown hair, and stormy gray eyes, to name a few. I'm also 5"2, in case you're wondering. Well, that's about it. I have a family, too, though: two loving parents, a bitchy older sister, Colette, and an okay (as far as little brothers go) younger brother, Ryan. That's it. No tragic past. Yeah...

Now, you know about me in all my awe-inspiring glory, so I'll continue the story.

I was stuck walking home in a neon purple tutu, black and white striped tights, a (really cool) T-shirt with an elephant silhouette on it, black converse (with a sun and a moon sketched on the toes, courtesy of my friend, Chris), and my brown leather bomber jacket. Sadly, my favorite gray skinny jeans were cut up and turned into hair-ribbons for some Barbie dolls. Joy. Oh, and my sister, Colette, refused to drive me the half a mile home. I'm not sure if I've offended karma or what, but she loves to bitch-slap me.

I shook these oh-so-encouraging thoughts out of my head and buried my hands in the fuzzy pockets of my a fore mentioned jacket, only to feel... something squishy and dry. I raised a brow and pulled out a marshmallow as I continued walking. I reached in my pocket again and pulled out at least ten more marshmallows, one of which had a little note tied to it with a scrap of my dearly missed pants. I turned it towards me and read:

Dear Jezebel,

I apologize for cutting up your pants. I'm real sorry. Here's some marshmallows to make it all better.

-Alexis

I smiled a bit at the elegant cursive of my aunt, Val, written in green crayon. Alexis must have asked her to write it. I thought happily. Maybe the little squirt isn't so bad after all.

Greatly cheered, I popped a fluffy white cylinder in my mouth and continued walking. Of course, a bus just had to choose that moment to drive by, scaring me so much that I jumped right into a large hole. Yes, I said hole. I don't have any idea how it got there, but I was stupid enough to fall right in.

I screamed. A lot. It was really terrifying, actually. Pitch black, nothing solid around me: it was just plain scary. Of course, I fell asleep. Now, don't blame me; it felt like hours, and, as soon as that little light below me appeared, I was really drowsy.

Anywho, I probably landed or something, because I was on solid ground when I woke up. It felt like... dirt.

Okay, you've landed in some dirt place, now what?

Whaddya' mean, now what? I don't know what to do and more than you.

I am you, dumbass.

... Touché...

After pushing my recently-developed mental instability away I- you know what, I've always been mentally unstable... Yeah...

Well, after that awkward silence in my mind, I decided to open my eyes (what a fabulous idea) and saw a lot of people around me. I don't just mean twenty, or fifty, or even a hundred; there were literally a thousand people around me, at least. It also smelled like... circus. Cotton candy and animals, pretty much. Weird. I tried moving my arms to discover that they were... gone! Le gasp!

...

...

Just kidding; they were folded behind my head, the fingers laced and everything. Still awesome when I'm unconscious. I thought with a self-satisfied smirk-smile thing.

"Miss?"

I shooke my head and looked up to see a man. A man with the power. The power of voodoo. Oh, you do, you do... I finished off in my head as I grinned happily up at the attractive red-head.

...

...

Okay, he wasn't just attractive. He was sexy, drop-dead gorgious, bangable (a word of my own invention), and, well, flat-out... scrumdidileeumptious. Yes, he was that hot. Something about those fire-engine red locks, so silky that you just want to run your fingers through them, or that wine red eye. Yes, eye; he was wearing an eye-patch, and a damn sexy one, at that...

Ahem.

Anyway, during my mental spaz attack, he just stared at me with a pleasant smile on his face. Thank Kami-sama that I don't blush... (Yes, I'm an anime nerd; deal with it.)

I decided to answer this bona-fide sex-god with a happily tilted "Yes~!"

He continued to look pleasantly at me as he asked "You wouldn't happen to be an outsider, would you, Miss..." He trailed off, looking expectantly at me.

I grinned. "Jezebel Anderson; and you?"

One corner of his mouth was a bit higher than the other, just for a second, almost looking like a smirk. Almost.

"My name is Joker, Miss Anderson."

"My name's Joker too, fucktard!"

I jumped at the seemingly-disembodied voice coming from Joker's general direction. I have a problem with voices without a known source, actually. I once hit a teacher over the head with a stapler when the intercom came on... Ah, good times..

Anyway, I naturally freaked out, trying to say something like "Oh, gosh! Do you know where that came from?" with an adorably scared look on my face. Unfortunately, it was more like "Ohmygosh,that'ssoscary, saveme,Pirate-Man!" while I looked frantically to my left and right, shivering in a scared way. Ugh, fail.

Joker (the real one, not the creepy, disembodied, claiming-to-be-Joker voice) tried to console me, being the gentleman he is, while the voice yelled at me that he was "down here, bitch!" I looked around more and finally saw Joker's belt; it was a tragedy face, and, now that I focused on it, the voice was coming from it. I immediately calmed down and got eye-to-eye-hole with the mask. Awkward: my face is just about level with Joker's...

Never mind.

I stared at the mask for a minute; a staring contest had been initiated, whether the mask-Joker knew it or not, and I was going to win. Unfortunately, it broke my concentration by shouting "Bring that bitch here, White!"

I glared at it, muttering "Bastard..." as the now-named White smiled in a gentlemanly manner at me and offered his arm out to me.

"Shall we, Miss Anderson?" There was something off about his expression, like he wasn't as he appeared. Hm...

Regardless, I took his arm (I'll make sure to return it, though.) and grinned. "Just Bell or Jazz, thanks." I said chipperly as I looked up at him. Now that I thought about it, he was at least 5"8. Damn...

He flashed me a dazzling smile, nearly making my eyes have those swirls Pokémon have when they get KO'd. "Well, Miss Bell," I shivered a bit as he practically purred my name in his sexy voice. "Welcome to Wonderland."

Then, our surroundings started shimmering, and we ended up in...

A cliffhanger! FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUU-

Penguin: So, do you like the rewrite? 'Cause I do. I wanna' tear off it's clothes and make babies with it. It seems SOOOO much better than the last one to me. Anyway, please review, 'cause I'm a review whore... Yeah.

Anywho, hope you like it!

Love,

Penguin, who feels like hot chocolate has just been poured into a hole in her chest~