Willow thrashed on the bed, clenching her fists. The movement didn't really help, but she couldn't stand lying still. Her mind kept replaying all of the terrible things that she'd done that night. And a little voice in her head kept whispering temptations to her: Just do a little sleeping spell. It'll be easier to quit for good once you've had a good night's sleep.
"No. I promised Buffy." Willow whispered back, kicking her legs out. Something hit the floor with a soft thump. Willow got out of bed to see what it was. It was a pillow with "W+T" and a small, slightly crooked heart embroidered on it. Dawnie had made it in Home Ec last year. Just another reminder of everyone Willow had hurt with her magic.
She shoved the pillow under the bed, and lay down again, wrapping the sheet and blankets around her tightly. Her skin felt like it was on fire; sweat dripped down her back, soaking the sheet. But having something, anything, touching her right now felt as necessary as breathing. Willow closed her eyes and promised herself that by sheer force of will, she would fall asleep tonight, and that things would be better in the morning.
The air shifted, and the scent of rotting fruit filled the room, along with magic-dark, glorious, seductive magic. At the center of all of it was a black-haired, black-eyed version of herself.
Was this some freaksome magic withdrawal symptom? Her vampire self with a goth makeover? Willow sat up, wrapping her arms around her knees. She needed to stay right where she was, not get any closer to the magic. This might be some kind of test she needed to pass.
"Damn," the Other-Willow said. "I thought I finally got it right this time, but I remember this happening."
"You-you do?" Willow was trying to convince herself that this was just a hallucination, but everything about it seemed too real-the acrid stench in the air, the flickers of magic against her skin, the grating voice ringing in her ears.
"This is the night of the car accident with Dawnie, right?"
Willow nodded. Other-Willow knew about this? This was future her? Ok: scared now.
Other-Willow moved closer to the bed. "You poor thing. Let me give you what you need."
"No-I'm good, really-", but Other-Willow ignored her, shooting a wave of magic into Willow, easing all of Willow's restless twitching.
Other-Willow sat down next to Willow. "Oh, honey. It'll be so much easier when you let yourself become the magic. You're suffering because you're fighting it."
Other-Willow stroked Willow's cheek. Goosebumps prickled on Willow's skin as her clothes melted away. "How did you do that?"
She wanted to slap herself as soon as the words were out of her mouth. If this was a test, she was failing miserably, because magic was the last thing she should be thinking about right now.
Other-Willow smirked at Willow and kissed her hard, a bruising, dominating kiss that poured magic into Willow, leaving her gasping for air.
The kiss was wrong and bad and Willow could write a dissertation about all of the psychological aberrations involved in it. But instead of pushing Other-Willow away and calling for help, Willow let Other-Willow pin her down, flooding her with dark magic that danced rapturously under her skin, and siphoning away some of Willow's own magic.
Willow gasped, "This is-we shouldn't-"
Other-Willow licked Willow's neck in a disturbingly familiar way. "Relax. Think of it as just an elaborate form of masturbation."
Willow tried to summon the will to resist, tried to think of long blond hair and soft blue eyes, but the darkness obliterated everything else in her mind. All of Willow's hard-won resolve crumbled in a flash as Other-Willow's hands and mouth and magic caressed her. Willow ran a hand up Other-Willow's thigh, trying to reciprocate, but Other-Willow batted it away. Willow sensed that the ebb and flow of the magic between them was all the stimulation Other-Willow needed.
Other-Willow dug her fingers deeper into Willow, and as the magic pulsed between them, Willow came faster and harder than she ever had before. As she started to come down, the shame finally kicked in. She'd thought she'd hit rock bottom after the car accident, and in just a few hours she'd managed to fall even farther. Maybe there was no rock bottom for her. Maybe there was just an abyss and she'd never stop falling. Tears flooded Willow's eyes.
Other-Willow turned an unnerving stare on Willow. "The guiltapalooza is so unfun. Bored now."
Willow retreated into nervous babble. "It's not that this wasn't you know-um, it's just even though we broke up, well, she broke up with me, I still want to get back together with Trina."
For the first time all night, Other-Willow looked caught off guard. "Who the hell is Trina?"
"My girl. Our girl."
No sign of recognition from Other-Willow. Willow tried again. "Katrina Silber. We met in freshman physics."
Then a positively gleeful look lit up Other-Willow's face, a look that sent a tremor of fear down Willow's spine. "So the spell did work! My girl could be out there somewhere in this dimension."
Other-Willow pressed her hand on Willow's chest, pulling more magic away. "Well, I hate to fuck and run, but I have a girl to find. And maybe some nerds to take care of." The light in the room flickered for a moment, and then Other-Willow was gone.
Willow curled up on the bed, trembling and light-headed from the magic loss. How was she supposed to quit magic forever if she couldn't go a couple of hours without going on another bender? How could she explain this to Trina or Buffy? How could she warn Other-Willow's girlfriend when Willow didn't even know who she was?
No easy answers came to mind. Willow clung to the one sliver of comfort she could, whispering into the dark. "That wasn't really me. That won't be me."