Chapter 1

Lieutenant Commander Saavik resisted the urge to count to ten. Afterall, ten was nowhere near the number she required, so counting to it would merely be an exercise in illogic. She forced herself to focus on the breathing disciplines.

*So much for exposure building immunity.*

She fought the urge to shift again in the uncomfortable transport chair, keeping her eyes firmly on the scarred deckplate beneath her polished boots.

Down the cramped aisle, Ambassador Sarek's low baritone continued, drifting back to her sharp ears far too easily. "-accomplishments are remarkable already. And to achieve such notable distinction before your fellow classmates is an honor. Your mentor must be well pleased."

Saavik could almost feel Valeris' black eyes flick triumphantly in her direction. The sudden pain in her jaw warned her that she was clenching her teeth again.

*However, one million offers distinct possibilities.*

Beside her, the Lady Amanda closed her time worn book with a small grimace. "Keep reminding yourself that she is young. I find it helps."

Saavik wondered how badly she had been caught in her failing patience with Valeris.

Amanda's eyes were soft in the dimmed light. "And you have not been yourself since we left Vulcan." Her gaze swept through Saavik. "In my experience," she continued carefully, "sentient beings possess more than one way to protect themselves. Emotions can be shields as much as they can be weapons."

Saavik didn't know how to answer that. "Forgive me for disrupting your reading, Lady."

Amanda's mouth twitched. "You have not been a disruption since childhood." Saavik lifted her gaze to find the familiar mischevious glint in the human's blue eyes. "And even then, it was quite entertaining."

Saavik's eyebrow shot up. "You have an unsettling view of entertainment. I very nearly destroyed your prize roses."

The glint became more pronounced. "They would have grown back."

"Only with genetic intervention," Saavik corrected.

As Amanda chuckled, Saavik's eyes found Valeris again. The young cadet was practically preening under the ambassador's approval. She sighed, chiding herself for uncomplimentary thoughts towards the girl. "I am a poor friend."

Amanda frowned and slowly shook her elegant silvered head. "No," she said, her own eyes studying the girl, "if anything, you error more the opposite." The lady raised a displeased eyebrow. "I do not trust that one. No matter what my son says."

Saavik flinched hard and quickly turned her face to the stars.

Amanda's mouth tightened and she fingered the antique binding of the book in her lap worriedly. "Now it is my turn to ask forgiveness."

Saavik found that her knuckles had turned white and she forced her hands to relax. She turned dark eyes to Amanda. "He is your son," she said softly.

"Saavik-" Carefully manicured fingers hovered just over her uniformed knee.

"I will not discuss it," said Saavik firmly.

Amanda pulled back, looking away, and Saavik felt a terrible relief and pain that her choice stood. *But I would be a fool to mistake compliance with agreement.* She felt inexorably tired. *I should never have come.*

And her refusing to talk about it had hurt Amanda. "You would," she said quietly, "regret the knowledge."

Amanda reached out again, this time to actually catch Saavik's chin and lift it, requiring her eyes to follow. The look in the blue eyes made her breath catch in her throat. "How could I," Amanda asked gently, "when I regret nothing else of you?"

But Saavik insistently protested. "If you knew me better-"

The human's fingers gripped hard, forcing her to stop. "I would only declare it more firmly." At Saavik's open disbelief, Amanda released her chin with a sigh and leaned wearily back in her chair. Saavik realized with a shock that the human looked... old somehow. "Saavik, you have lived with us since my son's fal-tor-pan. Does that not say enough?"

Saavik's eyes watched Valeris. "I do not mistake kindness for approval."

"You should," Amanda said reprovingly."They are the same."

Sarek's low rumble filled Saavik's silence. "-you will have your choice of assignment, no doubt. Have you give adequate meditation upon the possibilities?"

"Yes, Ambassador," Valeris said smoothly and Saavik found their eyes locking, "and my preference remains ship duty. Captain Spock has said he will assist in placing me aboard Enterprise, if I choose."

Saavik's eyes dropped temperature sharply.

"Although," Valeris said, her narrow chin rising in cool defiance, "I have been...discouraged from the pursuit."

Sarek's eyebrow rose. "I fail to see the logic of the divergent-"

*Damn.* Saavik resigned herself to the inevitable, feeling a dull dark humor over how Valeris had so neatly shaded the 'discouragement' into jealousy. *And I am the one who is supposed to have Romulan cunning.*

But then Amanda was rising gracefully, gathering her sapphire robes and Saavik felt surprise, then a deep gratitude. *She guards me. In spite of my choice.*

The lady's laser blue eyes pierced Valeris, burning away some of the girl's smug victory. She shifted uneasily and dropped her eyes.

The corner of Amanda's mouth flickered for just an instant and then she was unreadable again, though her gaze never left the girl. "My husband, it is quite late and I-" her eyes sharpened into reproof, "-find myself quite human."

Saavik watched the hidden insult hit Valeris and arched an eyebrow in amazement as her white skin darkened noticably. Sarek, however, merely tilted his head in gentle confusion.

*As Amanda, no doubt, intended.* She was, after all, a lady.

Saavik started to rise. "Lady Amanda, you will require escort-"

A negative movement of her fine hand halted Saavik and she almost winced, knowing from sore experience the suddenly flawless smile that silkened those lips.

*She is not done with Valeris yet.* Her dark humor returned. *Nor with me.*

Very deliberately, Amanda extended two well-manicured fingers in the tradional expression. But even Sarek was not fooled into thinking the gesture was anything less than a command. He straightened broad shoulders and complied gracefully,

though Saavik's mouth twisted at the Amanda-wary look in his dark eyes.

*I remember once when Sp-*

She bit back the sudden pain, pushing the memory of the lean form away that had somehow managed to get past her guard.

A dignified Sarek came down the aisle, his robes swinging gently with his gait. His fingers lightly touched Amanda's.

"My husband, would you accompany me? There are family matters to attend to before we arrive and-" her eyes shifted over his House stones and landed squarely on Valeris again, "-and I am sure Lieutenant Commander Saavik can attend the child."

Valeris' eyes hardened while Saavik grimaced internally. *Compliance but not agreement. If I will not attend to the one, I will be made to attend to the other.*

She felt the exhaustion return.

Ambassador Sarek studied his wife's eyes and slowly inclined his head. "I would be honored, my wife." But his gaze shifted from Valeris to Saavik with thought. He extended his arm to Amanda with care.

They passed Saavik and she felt the firm *do as I say* look the lady gave her. She shifted uncomfortably in the chair and bowed to the other's will. A sigh escaped her as the lounge doors irised shut behind them and she turned to find Valeris' eyes on her. She met the icy disdain with sheer stubborn refusal to give way.

Saavik studied the girl as thoughtfully as she would an potiential enemy, noting absently the hints of what would be a woman's fullness. Unusual for a Vulcan, the thin gold ring glinting from her left hand and the almost sensuous beauty mark below the curve of her lip, giving the black hair and almost fragile white skin an alluring tone. Entertwined with her dark intelligence and rapidly escalating achievements, Saavik had no doubt that Valeris would be formidable in potiential.

Her eyes narrowed, and she shook her head. *If she can be properly directed. Or controlled.*

She literally felt the headache coming. *I should have counted.*

It had been different once. Before Sp-

Saavik pushed the thought away. And realized that Valeris was watching her in a way that made her old Hellguard survival instincts shiver awake. She almost tasted the blood.

Her mouth twisted at so animalistic a response. "I concede your previous assessment of my character."

"That is only logical," Valeris said coolly, eyes assessing Saavik closely, "I could, of course, assist you in refining your control. My abilities in the Vulcan disciplines-"

Saavik replied dryly, "I will manage for myself."

"If you say." Valeris lowered dark eyelashes. "I do not fault your... lapses. Coming from so...disadvantaged a heritage is undoubtably difficult."

The headache drew closer.

"As your friend," Valeris continued easily, "I am only offering observation. And my concern. I would not wish to see you fail before Spock. He was, afterall, your mentor before I advanced."

Saavik's jaw worked. "I appreciate your concern," she ground out.

Valeris inclined her head graciously and began to casually gather the Ambassador's padds. "I informed him that you would be coming to the peace talks."

Saavik's face drained of all color. "You *what?*" she finally rasped.

Valeris' eyes widened. "I assumed a reunion would please you. You would prefer otherwise?"

Saavik felt truly ill. Her heart banged in her side and she felt hot.

"I see," said Valeris, her black eyes absorbing. "I extend my apologies." She tilted her head in mock thoughtfulness. "Although, your...reaction does shed some understanding on his response."

Saavik went still. "What response?"

"When I informed him of your coming arrival, he seemed...most unsettled. It was quite disconcerting." She watched Saavik's face tighten. "Was there some...incident between you?"

Unbidden, Genesis rose up once more.

Saavik swallowed hard, feeling cold now with the actual realization of her haunted dreams every night since Genesis, now plaguing her with each hour that brought her closer to Spock.

*I know what he thinks of it now.* She lowered her eyes in utter shame.

"It was not my intention to cause difficulty." said Valeris calmly, "Perhaps I might rectify my error with a suggestion? What might be needed is a, shall we say, mediator? Someone to...soften the ground and allow logic to prevail over emotion."

Saavik grasped at the fragile possiblity. *If I can be allowed to explain-!* Then the sick feeling returned and deepened. She could not ask Amanda when this involved her son's most intimate honor. Saavik flinched at the thought of Amanda's hurt.

Yet neither could she enlist the servces of the traditional Vulcan intermediaries for such sensitive matters. She was no Vulcan citizen so held no right to their counsel. And no time existed to contact any other she trusted, even if she had thought they'd understand the weight involved. "There is no one I can send for me." She was alone in this.

Valeris moved closer. "Not so. As this difficulty is inadvertantly my cause, I would be more than willing to fulfill the responsibility."

Saavik's head came up incrediously. "You would-" Her brow knit. "Why?"

Valeris' black eyebrow arched. "Are we not friends?"

"Technically," Saavik gave. Her eyes narrowed. "Yet I would hardly call our relationship without conflict."

"True," granted Valeris, "yet this is merely a sign of our...comfort with each other."

"Our *comfort?*"

"Consider our mentor's relationship with Doctor McCoy. Their banter is famous throughout Starfleet, yet it in no way interferes with their ability to assist one another in difficulty."

Saavik frowned at the truth in Valeris' words.

"We have strong...personalities." Valeris continued smoothly, her chin tilting. "It is only natural for there to be, at times, conflict." Her eyebrows lifted. "Afterall, the Lady Amanda and you are currently engaged in just such a... difference of opinion. Do you deny her friendship?"

"I cannot nor would I want to," Saavik admitted.

"Then is it not acceptable also to grant us ours?"

Saavik's frown deepened, hesitating still.

"Pride is not a Vulcan characteristic. You need my assistance. Unless, of course, you feel that you may discuss your... difficulty with Captain Spock without repercussions?"

Saavik literally cringed at the thought of meeting those eyes. *When I informed him of your coming arrival...*

A hollowness filled her and her shoulders sagged. *After all he has done for me, I can no longer hide. I must face Genesis and attend this.*

Saavik took a deep shaking breath. "Sit. I will tell you what you must know for this... mediation."

"And then?" Valeris asked carefully.

"I will agree to his decision." Saavik felt only dead inside. "And you will be certain that all shame is mine alone."

Valeris inclined her head. "Of course. You may trust me in this, I will have only his best intentions in mind. As your friend."

But Saavik wasn't listening. The roar of Genesis filled her ears, overrushing her mind. And she felt only an all-encompassing grief.

*I never meant to shame him.*