Author's Note: No, I'm not abandoning The Trip. I just...wrote this. And I'm not sure where it came from. Frankly I'm a little scared.

Bears Eat Beets: Hi Kelly.

Kelly: Hi! That's a weird name…"Bears Eat Beets?" That's not, like, your real name, is it?

BEB: Well, no. Just the one I use online-

Kelly: Oh right, like my online name is "pinksparklygrrrl," because I love pink, obviously, and sparkles, and I'm a girl. Duh.

BEB: …Yeah. I know. Um, anyway, I just wanted to ask you about-

Kelly: I'm trying to figure out your name. Do you like vegetables? Or, like, collect teddy bears? Or do you, like, study real bears? Because if you do you should talk to Dwight. He's totally into all that nature stuff, like animals and things. He tried telling me that he could, like, outrun a snake once, and I was like, whoa, no way! Then I asked if he was as fast as that runner guy that Jordan Catalano played in that movie – you know who I mean, right? Jordan Catalano?

BEB: From My So-Called Life, yeah.

Kelly: Right! And I know his real name is Jared Leto, but I prefer calling him that, because he was so hot in that show, and now he's all creepy looking and in that band. But I guess he's still pretty hot, because he dated Cameron Diaz…although that was years ago, like, before she was with Justin. God, Justin is so sexy…what's wrong?

BEB: Oh…well, we're just getting really off topic.

Kelly: Oh, whoops! Sorry. So what's up?

BEB: Well, I just wanted to ask you about your obsession with being a bridesmaid. You've asked both Pam and Angela if you could stand up in their weddings, and I guess I was just curious about why you think you'd make such a great bridesmaid.

Kelly: Omigod, I'm so happy you asked that! No one ever asks me why I'd be so awesome as a bridesmaid, they just turn me down. And believe me, I totally have all three qualifications.

BEB: I didn't know there were qualifications, other than being a close friend of the bride.

Kelly: That's a really common mistake. See, that's what brides don't understand. They're all, oh, you're my friend, be in my wedding, and then they end up totally disappointed. And do you know why?

BEB: …No?

Kelly: Because the girl's totally unqualified! First off, you have to be willing to spend tons of money. On the gifts, on the shower, on the bachelorette party, on doing whatever you need to do to look amazing when you walk down the aisle. That means tanning, mani/pedi, professional makeup, at least two separate colors of highlights in your hair, a cute purse to match your dress, all of it. You can't look all frumpy; that's like a slap in the bride's face.

BEB: Okay, so you can't be stingy.

Kelly: Right. And I'm totally not stingy. I mean, just last week I went to the salon for a simple trim, like a maintenance haircut in between my real haircuts, and my stylist was like, Kelly, do you realize that your roots are a full shade and a half darker than the ends of your hair? And I was like, uh, no, I had no idea, and I was freaking out! She said it was no big deal to fix but that it would be ninety-five bucks. And I did not hesitate before I said, you just do what you need to do, don't even worry about the price! And so she did, and afterward I felt so relieved that I wasn't walking around with mismatched roots that I bought myself a new pair of peep-toe shoes, not even on sale. So there is no way that you could call me, like, stingy or frugal or anything. I will spend what I need to spend, gladly.

BEB: Um, all right…what's another qualification?

Kelly: Well, you have to be fashionable. You have to read all the magazines and know what's in and what's out, and not just regular fashion magazines, but bridal magazines too. You have to know what celebrity is wearing what designer, what colors are hot for what season – and not just, like, main colors, but what are the hot accent colors? That's crucial information, and you need to have it ready, like, at a moment's notice – if the bride asks for something, you have to provide it like that, I mean, in an instant. You can't be caught wondering if metallic shoes or black shoes are a better option, you need to just know.

BEB: And you keep up on all that?

Kelly: Oh totally. I have, like, a folder full of websites bookmarked on my computer that I check everyday – like, more than once a day, just to stay updated. Like, for example you gotta know that right now, the hot wedding dress designers are Reem Acra, Amsale, and Tara Keely. Did you know that?

BEB: No.

Kelly: It's a good thing you aren't a bridesmaid for anyone, then!

BEB: Actually, I am standing up in a wedding next July.

Kelly: …Oh. Well, I'll totally forward you my links so you can start researching.

BEB: Thanks. Anyway, what's the last qualification?

Kelly: Oh, right. The third thing is, you have to be honest. I mean, as she's trying on dresses you need to be able to stand up say to the bride, you know what? That dress isn't flattering on you, like, at all. And tell her why, in detail. And you need to tell her that about every dress that isn't the one, even if it's one she really, really likes. And if the dress she likes for the bridesmaids is ugly, tell her that, and keep telling her until she finds a better one. And you have to tell her when she shouldn't be eating something, and be honest about what happens when she does – like, hey, just so you know, if you eat that bagel? Your thighs are totally going to get all cellulite-y, like, immediately. Or omigod, you know that sandwich is totally going to make your upper arms flabby. It may seem mean, but it's just honesty. You're just doing it because you care, and that's your duty as her bridesmaid. When her wedding turns out, like, the most beautiful and romantic thing ever, she'll thank you for it.

BEB: Wow. Well, thanks Kelly.

Kelly: No problem! I could talk about this, like, all day long. Do you think you could tell Angela about this, about how totally qualified I am and a perfect choice for a bridesmaid?

BEB: Uh…Angela seems to really like formality. Why don't you write her up a proposal?

Kelly: That's a great idea! Omigod, that is awesome…I'll write up a proposal, and I'll call it "Another Proposal For You!" You know, because Andy proposed, and now I'm proposing something too. Isn't that the cutest idea?

BEB: It is.

Kelly: …

BEB: ...What?

Kelly: By any chance are you getting married anytime soon and, like, need a bridesmaid?

BEB: I'm actually already married.

Kelly: Oh, that's too bad. I mean, that's awesome, but that's too bad too.

BEB: Yeah. It is.