Turning Points, a jag fanfic

Turning Points

A JAG Short Story

Written by Matthew R. White

Based on the Characters and series created by Donald P. Bellisario

...

Historian's Note: This story takes place immediately following the episode The Four Percent Solution written by Dana Coen.

Author's Note: The final season of JAG left many things to the imagination, especially how Harm and Mac were able to move forward with their relationship. Much of what would have needed to happen between these two seemed to be blurred over in favor of introducing new cast members for a possible spin off; JAG San Diego. This story is an attempt to fill in some of the voids the writers left behind, while still adhering to canon. It is based on, and is a continuation of the episode The Four Percent Solution which is, in this writer's opinion, the finest episode of the season.

...

06:35 ZULU

Christmas Day 2004

Pennington Medical Center, Sleepy Hollow, VA

The hospital room lights were darkened and the only illumination present came from the small night light above the bed and the glow from the electro cardio monitor which displayed the heart rhythm of Harmon Rabb's closest and dearest friend, Sarah MacKenzie.

Mac had been returning to JAG HQ when the car she was driving careened off the road and struck a tree. The government issued Crown Vic had been totaled, requiring the rescue personnel to use the "Jaws" in order to extricate her from the vehicle. The fact she had escaped with relatively minor injuries was nothing short of a miracle.

Sarah had dozed off a few hours ago after the doctor had checked for a concussion. In the chair beside her bed, Harm still held fast to her hand, having not let it go since he arrived.

Rabb was just about to secure for the day when he received a call from one of the paramedics treating Mac as they rushed her to the emergency room. Driving much too fast for conditions, Harm had pushed his vintage Corvette for all it was worth in an effort to reach the hospital. Sarah must have known I'd push the envelope trying to reach her, he thought. When he remarked about the miracle of her being alive, she responded, You know what makes the news better, we both are.

Back in May, on the night of the Admiral's gathering, Harm had finally told her how he felt. I'm tired of looking in on your life, Mac; I want to be part of it. Harm's mind drifted back to that evening wondering if he should have just said the three words it had always been so difficult for him to say.

With the constant beep…beep…beep in syncopation with Sarah's heart lulling him to sleep, Rabb drifted off to dream of a conversation he had with the Admiral almost a year ago.

...

20:30 ZULU

January 14, 2004

JAG Headquarters, Falls Church, VA

In his office, Rabb was shutting down his computer for the day when he noticed Clayton Webb and Sarah MacKenzie engaged in conversation. He stood and walked out of the office but stopped in his tracks when he saw them exchange a lingering kiss. Harm froze, caught up in his distraction and he failed to notice Admiral Chegwidden step up beside him.

"Lost in thought, Commander?"

"What? Oh…sorry, sir," Harm blurted out has he came to his senses. "Did you need to see me, Admiral?"

Chegwidden followed Harms gaze just as Mac and Clay were leaving the office. Turning back he said, "Walk with me."

Rabb followed the elder man into his mahogany office where the Admiral closed the door. "Take a seat, Commander."

Harm complied, expecting Chegwidden to take the place behind his desk and hand him a last minute assignment. Maybe a TAD is what I need. When the Admiral took the chair beside him, Harm was surprised.

"It tears your guts out, doesn't it," he began.

"I beg your pardon, sir?"

"Seeing the woman you love in the arms of another man," the Admiral clarified. "Have you ever considered telling her how you feel?"

"I don't think that would be appropriate, sir," Harm replied formally.

The admiral sighed, pausing before he went on, "Let's both check our rank at the door for a moment. For the time being, consider me a fellow sailor and a friend. If you don't want to talk about this, that's fine too."

"I understand, sir," replied Harm, his tone neutral.

"Tell me something, Commander, eight months ago; you just about threw your career away, not to mention damn near getting yourself killed trying to find Colonel MacKenzie. Didn't you even bother to tell Mac how you feel about her?"

Haunted by conflicting emotions and tears that would not be shed, Harm endured the internal struggle with his feelings. Part of him wanted to tell the Admiral to butt out, but another part needed to talk about it. Chegwidden's gaze never faltered when the Commander met it with a haunted gaze of his own. His need to talk soon outweighed his desire for privacy. He blew out a deep breath and looked down.

"I tried to tell her while we were still in Paraguay, Admiral. But we never had a chance to finish the conversation we started. Just before we left, Mac told me it would never work between us. Maybe she's right, hell we've danced around this for almost eight years."

"And yet you're still in love with her."

Harm leaned back in the chair and stared up to the ceiling. "I am, he sighed. "And I don't know what to do about it. Mac seems to be happy with Webb and I certainly don't have the right to interfere."

"I'm not suggesting that you interfere. But you still should tell her how you feel. I would think she might have a little consideration for your feelings if she was aware of them."

"I'm quite sure she knows how I feel, sir."

"Sure about that, Commander," Chegwidden questioned. He shifted the conversation slightly. "Has Mac ever told you about everything that transpired once you resigned?"

"She mentioned seeing a therapist for a while. Is that what you are referring to?"

Admiral Chegwidden nodded, "I assumed she had told you but I wanted to be sure before I said anything," he said, pausing a beat before continuing. "As I'm sure you're aware, Mac went through a rough time when she was taken hostage and she probably wasn't in the right frame of mind to discuss things with you after the fact."

"She seemed to have no trouble talking with Webb," remarked Harm, a bitter edge in his voice.

"Webb went through the ordeal with her, they share a common bond."

Chegwidden stood and walked over to the window. Outside the snow had just started to get heavy and the roads were already covered in a thin layer of white.

"Did you make it to the wall this year, Commander?"

"Every Christmas Eve, sir," replied Harm, remembering how extra special this past Christmas had been for him. And how complimented he felt at hearing Sarah's words in the courtroom that day. It had taken every ounce of self control he had to keep from breaking down.

I've given serious thought to the kind of man that I would want to be the father of my children…Commander Rabb is that kind of man.

Just thinking about it made his eyes misty. "This year was very special, sir."

"I heard about the statement Colonel MacKenzie made in the courtroom on your behalf, Harm. I think it speaks volumes. Don't you?"

"Mac and I are both object lessons in contradiction, Admiral. In that way we…we deserve each other."

The Admiral stood at the window a while longer watching the snowfall before he returned to the chair next to Rabb.

"Harm, I'm going to give you some advice. As I see it, you have two choices, move on…or get off your six and tell her how you feel."

Harm looked over to the Admiral, his face betraying his confusion. "I don't think I follow, am I missing something, sir."

"Mac isn't happy, Harm. It's only a matter of time before she realizes why, and I believe that day will come sooner than you think."

"You seem awful certain of that, Admiral."

There was something surreal about this conversation as the Admiral wasn't normally one to offer personal advice. And he certainly didn't strike Harm as a romantic.

"I'm not saying I do," replied the Admiral. "But you need to decide which path you are going to chose, for her sake as well as your own. One of you has to end this dance."

"I've tried the other option, moving on, that is. I always seem to come back to the same place."

"Maybe there are greater forces at work here, Harm."

"Admiral, wouldn't a relationship between us cause a problem?"

"Depending on what direction it takes, yes, it could," replied the older man. "And that's a bridge we can cross when we get to it, but we have to get there first."

Harm was left speechless for a while. The old man is still full of surprises, he thought.

"Why are you telling me this, sir?"

AJ Chegwidden looked him straight in the eye with the expression of a man who had been wounded by love. His voice was colored when he responded. "Because you both deserve to be happy, it might as well be the two of you, because it damn well isn't going to be me."

It was then that Harm realized the reason behind the Admiral's behavior. The breakup with his fiancée had cut him far deeper than he would ever admit to anyone under his command, maybe anyone period. Rabb found himself lost for words as he realized the burden of grief being shouldered by the man he both admired and respected. A man he sometimes thought of as a father.

"Admiral, I am so sorry about the loss…"

"That will be all, Commander," Chegwidden ordered, the unreadable expression firmly back in place.

God help him, thought Harm. Doesn't he know it only gets worse when you stuff it? For a brief moment, Rabb considered trying to get him to open up, but just as quickly dismissed the idea.

"I understand, Admiral," he replied, offering what little comfort he could. "Thank you for your time, sir."

A knock on the door drew his attention.

"Enter," called the Admiral.

Harm was shocked when he saw who had entered the room. Both men stood as she approached. "Sorry to interrupt, sir."

"That's all right, Mac. Harm and I were just wrapping up. Something I can do for you?" His voice betrayed none of the emotion Harm had heard earlier.

"I'll see you later, Admiral," said Harm, turning to go, but Mac cut him off. "Actually, Harm, it's you I wanted to see."

"Oh...Okay," he said, surprised. Turning to Chegwidden he continued. "Again, thank you for your time, Admiral, good night."

"Anytime, Commander, close the hatch on your way out."

"Aye, aye, sir," they said in unison, snapping to attention before leaving.

When Admiral Chegwidden was alone, he spoke aloud, "Thank you, Harm."

...

As they walked out of the foyer, Harm braced himself to be questioned about his conversation with Chegwidden, but her silence made it clear to him she had other things on her mind.

"Are you all right, Mac, I thought you had a date with Clay?" asked Harm as they strode into his office. He reached across the desk for his cover and briefcase.

"I did," she sighed. "We were in the parking lot when he got a call from the office and had to cancel. That's the third time this week. I don't know if I'll see him in an hour or in a week." The frustration was evident in her voice and Harm noticed just how sad she looked. It suddenly dawned on him that this was what the Admiral had noticed. Why didn't I see this before?

"I'm sorry, Mac."

Mac tilted her head to one side and looked away; something she only did when she was in a pensive mood.

"Why should you feel sorry, It's not your fault."

"I'm sorry because I know you were looking forward to this evening and I don't like seeing you disappointed," replied Harm. "I'm the one that usually upsets you."

"Stop it," she chastised him, whacking his arm with her fist. "At least you never stood me up."

"That's because we've never been on a date," Harm lightly quipped, hoping she would see the humor in his remark.

"That's because you never asked," she answered, pausing a moment. "So what do you have planned for tonight?"

Harm felt his heart skip a beat. "I don't have anything special planned," he replied.

"You feel like some company? I'll spring for pizza?"

"Half vegetable, half pepperoni?" inquired Harm, giving her his trademark megawatt smile.

"That sounds good. You order it and I'll pick it up on the way to your place."

...

13:07 ZULU

Christmas Day 2004

Pennington Medical Center, Sleepy Hollow, VA

Harm awoke and looked around the room until he saw Mac smiling at him, still holding onto his hand.

"Good morning, sailor. Sleep well?"

"Mornin' yourself," quipped Harm, as he worked the kinks out of his neck. "What do you think?" His voice changed from levity to one of concern. "How are you feeling this morning, Sarah?"

The bruises on her face from the airbag seemed worse than the previous evening although it could have been the light. Harm wasn't really sure.

"I'm sore," she replied. "I won't be entering a dance contest anytime soon."

"Need anything?"

"Other than a long soak in the tub?" she asked.

"I can arrange that, anything else?"

"Yeah…I just want my sailor man to take me home."

Harm did a double take not trusting his ears. "Your sailor man, did I hear you right?"

"You heard me right, flyboy. I want to go home."

"Let's see what the doctor says, first, ninja girl. Once you're cleared I'll be happy to drive you home."

They didn't have to wait long. The doctor arrived a few minutes later and after a brief exam, he cleared Mac to be released. Although she showed no sign of a concussion, the doctor insisted that she have someone stay with her for the next couple of days.

Twenty minutes later, they were on the road heading back to DC. The rain had changed over to snow and the Commander needed to concentrate to keep the sports car on the road.

"Harm, why don't you stop by your place and pick up anything you need for the weekend, since you've been tasked to look after me."

"I think it would be a good idea to switch vehicles as well. These roads are getting treacherous."

An hour later, after what was normally a ten minute drive, Harm pulled up to his garage. He exited the car to clean the snow and started his SUV. He pulled the Corvette into the garage.

"Mac, why don't you wait in this one while the other vehicle warms up. I'm going to run upstairs and grab what I need."

"You won't get any argument from me, flyboy."

Five minutes later, Harm exited the building with his sea bag and a fresh uniform. He dropped them off in the now warm SUV before helping Mac switch places. After securing the garage, Harm jumped in and drove them to Mac's apartment.

...

Christmas Day 2004

Mac's Apartment, Georgetown

Once they arrived and settled in, Mac had drawn herself a bath while Harm canceled their plans with the Roberts. The storm outside had developed into a major snow event and by early evening there was a foot and a half in the greater DC area.

Rabb had cooked for both of them, cleaned up the kitchen, and joined Mac in the living room. After exchanging and opening their gifts they cuddled on the couch to watch a movie. She placed her head on his lap as they watched It's a Wonderful Life and Miracle on 34th Street. They had both seen these films an uncounted number of times but Mac needed something to lift her spirits as the flashbacks she had experienced after the accident left her in a tenuous emotional state. With a blanket over her and Harm's arm draped on her shoulder she found herself in a place of peace, a peace which she hadn't known for some time.

"Harm," she called, as the credits were rolling on the screen.

"Yeah."

"This is the first Christmas we have spent together, I mean, just the two of us."

"I was thinking about that too," he said, his own voice colored with emotion. "I could get used to this."

"That's kind of what I want to talk about." Sarah turned onto her back so she could face him. Still sore from the accident she winced as she settled down.

"You okay, Mac?"

"Yeah, it only hurts when I think about it."

As she allowed herself to relax, Mac formulated what she wanted to say.

"I've been seeing a therapist since October."

"Why, Mac," he said, obviously surprised. "I thought you worked through the hostage sit…"

"My problems are much deeper than that, Harm," she gently interrupted, wiping tears from her eyes. "Damn, I thought I was ready for this."

Harm reached for her hand and squeezed it allowing her to calm somewhat. "Take all the time you need, Mac. I'll just be here to listen."

Buoyed by his support, Mac went on, "Back in October I had a follow up with my gynecologist. She needed to do a follow up evaluation of the procedure I had in May. I had hoped that she might have been wrong about my chances of having a child."

"And was she?" asked Harm.

"It turned out that the outlook is worse than I was first told. Harm, I have a four percent chance of ever conceiving a child…and if by some chance I did actually get pregnant, it's doubtful I could carry the baby to term."

"Mac, I told you before, this changes nothing between us."

"Sure about that, flyboy?"

"I haven't broken a promise yet," he replied. "Can you tell me why you started seeing the therapist again?"

"I was struggling with a bout of insomnia. On the fourth day I was back a Bethesda for another appointment so I stopped by to see if Commander McCool could write me a script for a sleep aid."

"Wait a second, Mac, you know those things can be habit forming," Harm interjected. "Why didn't you come and talk to me?"

"I did, if you remember correctly, I interrupted your dinner with Alicia. Obviously you were ready to move on."

She watched his expression carefully waiting for the telltale guilty look. What she saw was a look of confusion.

"Mac, you don't think that Alicia and I…"

"You don't have to explain, Harm. It's none of my business."

"But that's not what happened. Alicia stopped by with pizza and we were going over the Wainwright case. Alicia is a nice lady and I enjoyed her company as a friend, but I don't have any romantic interest in her."

Mac processed this new information; Maybe Commander McCool was right after all.

"I'm sorry I wasn't there for you when you needed me, Mac."

"I sorry too, Harm. I didn't mean to push you away, it's just that…" Sarah looked away unable to finish her thought.

"It's okay, Sarah, just what?"

Mac sat up and turned so she could face him. Taking his hands she continued, "Caring for Mattie has done wonders for you, Harm. You were meant to be a father and you shouldn't be denied that chance just because I can't have children…"

The dam of emotion let go and Harm gathered her into his arms, stroking her hair as she poured out her grief. She cried for a very long time.

"Let it out, Sarah, let it all out," he said, rocking her back and forth.

When she was able to speak again, Mac sobbed, "I missed you, flyboy."

"I missed you too, ninja girl."

"Harm…I…I still don't know where I'm at right now and I still need time to sort it all out. I don't expect you to wait around for me, but I…"

"I'm not ready to give up on you, Mac. I was serious when I told you I wanted to be part of your life. I meant every word."

"That's what I was going to ask, please don't give up on me yet. I know, I'm contradicting myself but…I'm making progress in therapy. I've got a lot of baggage which needs to be sorted through…I mean…my alcoholism…My husband…Eddie…Clay…Mic…"

"Bugme?" quipped Harm, before he could stop himself. "Sorry," he quickly added.

"You never did like him, did you?"

"Not even before he tried to have you put away for life. Sorry, Mac, I still don't understand how you could have fallen in love with such a pompous…" Harm stopped himself mid-sentence and despite everything, Sarah found it somewhat amusing.

"I did love, Mic, but I wasn't in love with him," she said. "There's a difference. I realized it the night of our engagement party. It was kinda' late in the game to call everything off even though that is what I should have done. When your plane went down in the Atlantic, it gave me a reason to postpone the wedding."

"Would you have gone through with it, Mac?"

"I don't know. It's one of the issues I'm working on with Vicky, I mean Commander McCool."

"First name basis, sounds like you trust her."

"I didn't, at first. The only reason I even went to see her is I was ordered to by the Admiral. I did the six weeks of mandatory hostage intervention and I was out of there. Maybe Alicia did me a favor. Had she not been at your place that night I might have talked with you long enough to get through the insomnia. I would have never gone to see Commander McCool."

"Well, Mac, sometimes things happen for a reason, at least I'd like to think so."

It was getting late, but Mac didn't want to stop there. It was the first time the two of them had a deep conversation in a long time.

"Do you believe in the afterlife, Harm?" It was a question he didn't seem to expect; his face showed that he was lost in thought.

"Yeah, I do, Sarah. You should have died in that accident last night, yet here you are. I've lost count of all the close calls we've had over the years. There has to be someone watching over us," he said. "What about you?"

"Vicky asked me the same question," she began. "I rambled on about all the terrible things that happen in this world and how an all loving God would never allow such evil to thrive. I told her no. But deep down inside me, the part that I keep hidden from almost every one; Yeah, I do believe."

Strains of music began to fill the room from the distance and the pair stood and walked over to the window. The snow had finally subsided to a very light dusting and a group of caroler's stood in the sidewalk singing Oh Come All Ye Faithful, the very song which was on the radio when her car hit the tree, the song that was playing when Harm walked into her room. She felt his arms wrap around her and they stood in the window, listening to the music.

"We should get to bed," she said after the carolers moved on. "It's getting late."

"Sure, I'll just grab a pillow and…"

"No, I'd rather you stay with me. Just hold me tonight, okay?"

"Sure?"

"Yeah, I'm sure."

Harm joined her in the bedroom after she changed. They slid under the blankets and embraced each other closely.

"Merry Christmas, Harm, sleep well.

"Merry Christmas, Mac, sweet dreams.

END