Mornings. Some hate them, some love them, I'm 50/50. I love the way it looks outside and the general calmness of mornings, but I hate getting up for them.
It's only been a week since the new school year began, so I was still having trouble waking up. Spending nights in a hospital bed where you can wake up when you want because you sick is much different from having to get up at 6:30 every morning.
I headed downstairs to get something to snack on before getting ready.
"Hey Clare, how you feeling?" my mom asked.
"I actually feel really good," I said.
"Good, I hope you're not feeling sick," she replied.
"No. It's weird, I actually don't feel like vomiting my guts out," I said.
My mom smiled. I could tell she was really tired too.
"Good," she said quietly.
"When did you get up?" I asked.
"Woke up around five, and I couldn't go back to sleep," she said.
"That sucks," I said.
My mom chuckled.
"Go get ready," she said.
I went upstairs and continued to get ready. I pulled out a brand new tank top I had recently bought and put it on, but when I did, it kept riding up. I looked into the mirror and my stomach looked bigger for some reason.
Great. Bloat.
Now I have to put a sweater on top of this, instead of the shrug I wanted to wear.
As I was looking for a sweater, I felt a mild cramp by my stomach. I continued dressing and went into the bathroom, when I discovered I needed a panty liner.
As I was finishing up, I heard a knock at the door.
"Clare hurry up, I have to take a shower," my stepdad yelled from the other side of the door.
"I still have to get ready," I said.
"Well get ready in your room!" he said.
I bit my inner lip.
"Fine!" I said as I flung the door open.
"What's your problem?" Jake asked as I walked by.
"My problem is that I need to get ready for school and I couldn't even get three minutes in there!" I said.
"You have two big mirrors in your room," Glenn butted in.
"Yeah, and no good lighting!" I said.
I raced back to my room before they could say anything else.
I shut the door and slid my back down it. I held my head in my hands and started to softly cry, and you know what? I don't even know why.
On my way home, I stopped at the drug store to pick up some notebooks and pads. I had already picked out my notebooks and I was looking around for pads. I was about to start, and I needed a new stock. I looked around, and of the corner of my eye, I saw the aisle filled with pregnancy tests. I tried to ignore it. I tried, and I tried, and I tried, but I just couldn't do it.
I knew at one point I would have to stop kidding myself... When Eli came down to visit a month ago, we weren't safe. We should have been... but we weren't. I just thought that because of chemo messing up my cycle, I wouldn't get pregnant. Things have happened recently though, and now I was scared that... maybe I was pregnant.
I was holding a box of pads, but, I slowly put them back and went to the pregnancy test aisle. I grabbed a two early response tests and headed home.
I headed straight to the bathroom when I got home. I figured it would be best to just get it over and not worry about whether I was pregnant.
I pulled both tests out and read the pamphlets. If they both turned pink, then I was pregnant.
I took both, and waited for how long it said. I was biting my nails and pacing the time. I waited and waited, and it seemed like I had waited forever, when it had only been three minutes.
I took a deep breath and cleared my mind before walking over to the sink. I normally wouldn't do something like that, but I was just so nervous, it was the only thing that would calm me down.
I walked over, picked up both tests (with my eyes closed), and finally looked at the tests.
Pink.
Bright pink.
Staring me in the face.
"Oh my god..." I said to myself.
"Clare, hurry up," Jake said from outside the door.
"Hold on," I said, rushing to get all my stuff together.
I hid my pregnancy tests in my waist band wrapped in toilet paper.
I hurried out of the bathroom before Jake could question myself.
I went into my room, sat on my bed, and just stared at my tests.
"I can't believe this," I said.
I knew that maybe it was wrong, but I honestly was happy. After going through chemo and being told that my cycle would always be messed up and that it would always be hard to have kids and get pregnant, I was very happy to see a pregnancy test.
But at 17? This isn't what I wanted.
Not at this age.
I decided though, that I would be happy, because whether I was young or not, this is my child, and I'm going to be happy about it.
I got up and took pictures of my belly, and wrote in my journal a bit about how I feel.
It was a good thing that it was Friday and I didn't have school tomorrow, because otherwise, it would be impossible to focus. I knew I had to tell my parents and Eli's parents soon, but I wanted to wait longer to tell my friends, on the off-chance that something happens to the baby.
The next thing I did was call my OBGYN. I had started seeing a year ago, and now I had to tell her I was pregnant. We set up an appointment for a few weeks from now. I just knew that it was going to be so hard to wait until then to go to my appointment.
The last thing I did was pulled out a piece of paper. It was time to tell Eli...
Across the front, in pretty handwriting, I wrote You are the love of my life. But that's not all you are. Your also...
On the inside, I wrote Going to be a DADDY!
I put my card into an envelope and wrote Eli's dorms address on it. On the envelope, I wrote Don't open this until our Skype chat at 5:00! I headed over to the post office.
"Overnight shipping please," I said. I had to pay an extra twenty bucks, but I knew it would be worth it.
As I was driving home, I started think about how Eli might react to all this. I wanted to make this a happy time, because this might be the only kid I'm able to have, and there is no reason to be sad about having a baby. A baby is an innocent little human, so why feel bad about having one?
The next day, I waited anxiously for five o'clock to roll around. I felt like a little kid, waiting for his parents to get up so he could unwrap his presents.
When five o'clock rolled around, I was so excited, but extremely nervous. I grabbed the pregnancy tests and went on Skype, waiting for Eli to log on. As soon as he did, he sent me a video chat request. I accepted and his face popped up on my screen.
"Hey you!" I said. I was so happy to see him.
"Hey," he said.
I smiled some more at him.
"Did you get my envelope?" I asked.
"I sure did," he said, showing me it.
My heart beated out of my chest when I saw it.
"What's this for?" he asked.
"You'll see," I said.
"Something sexy?" he jokingly asked.
"Uh, how you view it is your own business," I joked.
"So... yes?" he said.
"No," I said.
I loved that with him I could just goof around, but soon, nobody would be goofing around.
"So, can I open it?" he asked.
"Yes, now you may. Read it out loud," I said,
He ripped it open and pulled out the paper.
"Oh, it's a handmade card," he said.
"Yeah, not a lot of effort went into it," I said.
He gave me a look.
"Well, love you too!" he said.
"No, I made it last night. I just found out like, yesterday and I needed to tell you," I said.
"Tell me what?" he said.
"Read it," I said.
He sighed.
"'You are the love of my life'... aw, so are you!," he said.
I giggled.
"Keep going," I said.
"'But that's not all you are. Your also...'' he said.
He looked back up at the screen.
"Should I be worried about what the inside says?" he said.
Well... yes.
"Just keep reading," I said.
He opened.
"'Going to be a daddy'," he read slowly.
I could see his face drop. He stared at it intensely.
Finally he looked back up at me.
"A daddy?" he asked.
I held up my pregnancy tests with a little weak smile.]
His eyes got bigger.
"Wow..." he said quietly.
There was a little silence.
"Are you upset?" I asked.
"Upset?" he said.
"A little," he said.
"Well, why are you upset?" I asked.
"Because I'm in New York and your still in Toronto," he said.
"Yeah, I know," I said.
"So... what do we do now?" he asked.
"Well... I set up a doctor appointment, and I think we should tell our parents soon," I said.
"And then what? Do I need to come back?" he asked.
"Eli, I can't ask you to do that. I can handle myself. You need to stay at NYU. They won't allow you to come back next year if you drop out now," I said.
I could see that Eli was biting his lip.
"Is that what you want?" Eli asked finally.
"No, I want you to come back," I said, getting teary eyed.
"But it's best if you stay there, so you don't mess things up at NYU," I said.
"Clare, NYU doesn't matter to me now. If your pregnant, I want to help you, and I want to be there when the baby is born. Do you need me to come back?" he asked again.
Tears were coming down my cheeks now. I was officially crying.
"I need you to stay at NYU so you can graduate from a good school," I said. I wasn't even looking at the screen anymore. I was holding my head in my hand.
There was another silence.
"But if I let some school hold me back from you and our kid, I won't be able to forgive myself," he said.
I looked back up at the screen.
"I guess we'll have to figure it out," I said.
When I looked a little closer at the screen, I saw that Eli was crying too.
"Are you crying?" I asked.
"Yeah... I just found out I'm going to be a dad, is it wrong for me to be emotional?" he asked.
I smiled.
"No. It means you care, and hopefully a little happy," I said.
"I'm really happy," he said.
"Me too," I said.
"Do you think we can do this?" Eli asked.
He sighed, then answered honestly.
"There's not a reason in the world why we can't," I said.
So first chapter. How did I do? Leave suggestions for what kind of baby name you want... like what origin, or if you want it to be unique, or unisex. Also, leave suggestions for the story in general. Thanks for reading this!