This is the oneshot from the little Author's Note/Poll on my Mitchsen oneshot Sickly Cuddles. Bechloe and Angst/fluff won, so here's a little angsty Bechloe that will eventually have some fluff.

This didn't turn out exactly how I wanted it, but hopefully you guys like it. And it's in first person, so it's horrible. First person isn't my best.

Also, I only posted Sickly Cuddles yesterday but I got so anxious this morning that I had to start. So, yeah.

(Also AU-ish, set when they're high school students)

"Chloe!"

The voice of my mother calling me from downstairs broke through my hazy mind. I hadn't been the same ever since I had ended it with Beca Mitchell. I realize now, that that was the stupidest mistake I had ever done. The wounded look in her stormy blue orbs still haunted me three months later and caused a gaping, empty void to form in my chest.

My family was confused as to why I didn't just go and win her back. It's just not that simple.

Beca's abandonment issues would make it nearly impossible for me to regain her trust enough for us to become a couple again. I was lucky she even agreed to be my friend.

"Chloe! A letter has arrived for you!"

A letter? What was it, the 1900s?

"Who's it from?" I called back. My brow scrunched at the sound of my dull voice. It had been missing its usual cheer for a while now…

My mother appeared in the doorway of my bedroom with what I assumed to be the letter clutched in her hand. "I don't know. It doesn't appear to have been mailed. Just left on our doorstep with your name on it."

I was handed the letter. Curiously, I peeled back the flap of the envelope and pulled the letter from within. My heart faltered at Beca's familiar scrawl. I wanted to put the letter down, I really did. I had the certain feeling that there might not be something in there that I could take in my empty state.

But I read on.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-

One

I remember when I fell with you. No, literally, like, I fell with you.

You were running up from behind, trying to hug me, but you ended up slipping and you fell on top of me and I fell too. And everyone around us was laughing. I looked up at you and you said that you couldn't get up because there was a rip in your sweats where you didn't want it to be.

And I started laughing too.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-

~It was just a normal day. I was supposed to meet up with Beca after class, but just as I made it to our meet up spot, I noticed that Fat Amy, Stacie, and Cynthia Rose had dragged her away. Again. They just couldn't leave her alone, could they?

Oh, well. May as well take advantage of her turned back.

With that thought, I took off down the path after my pint-sized girlfriend. But with my apparent clumsiness, I tripped on thin air and went toppling into Beca, sending her sprawling to the ground with a ripping sound filling the air. Rounds of boisterous laughter from Amy, Stacie, and CR filled my ears as I smiled shyly down at my girlfriend beneath me.

"I can't get up," I whispered to Beca.

She grinned and raised an eyebrow. "And why is that?"

"I've got a rip in my sweats in a very inconvenient place."

Beca only started to laugh.~

I gave my head a shake as I recovered from my reverie. We were young and careless then. Now we act like sixty year old acquaintances. Nevertheless, I turned back to the letter, silently gathering my wits about me.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Two

I remember the day you told me your favorite candy was peanut M&Ms. It's funny, 'cause after that, I started eating a lot more peanut M&Ms. It was crazy.

I remember even waking up some days and digging through all my pockets just so I could find a dollar so I could buy a bag of peanut M&Ms and surprise you with them at school and I would do so just so I would have a reason to talk to you.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Three years ago. She still remembered my favorite candy three years after I first told her. Sure, I had noticed her eating peanut M&Ms more often but I never thought anything of it. That might have had something to do with the fact that she kept me distracted with my own bag of M&Ms.

I glanced over at the empty bag on my bedside table that once contained peanut M&Ms. They were more of a comfort food nowadays than a favorite candy.

"I really fucked up," I muttered to myself before continuing to read.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Three

I remember the day you texted me, "I've never had a kiss in the rain."

Later that day it rained.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-

"And you dragged me out into the rain just to kiss me," I muttered again.

~I was home alone and someone was pounding on the door. Whoever it was obviously wasn't deterred from the downpour outside and I answered it, only to come face to face with Beca, who had water and makeup running off her face yet a bright smile gracing her features.

"Beca?" I asked. "What are you doing?" She didn't answer me. Beca grabbed my hand and pulled me out of the dry confines of my house into the freezing cold rain. "Beca! What are you doing?!"

"You said you had never been kissed in the rain before," she answered cheekily before stifling my smartass comment with her lips.~

I wanted to stop reading. I really did. But I couldn't. I wanted to just put the letter down and walk away, just to escape all the painful memories from coming back. But something drew me right back to the letter.

Four

I once told you that the most meaningful gifts were the ones that were the most personal, that sometimes an arrangement of letters put inside a letter speaks louder than words and sometimes words just can't explain how I feel. I told you that the most meaningful gifts were those that were written by hand. Handwritten letters and handwritten notes.

You started writing me a lot more notes and letters after that.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Of course I remembered that as well. It was just little 'I loves you' and 'see you later' notes. The dark void in my chest throbbed painfully. Who knew that such a seemingly small memory could cause so much pain?

Five

Recently, I've found myself looking back at all those notes and letters. And don't get me wrong, I find myself smiling, but I don't know if I'm smiling because I'm happy…or because I miss it all.

Six

Further down the road, I started to become insecure. I started to grow into something I thought I would never be. You see, it's hard to understand but…I was insecure to the point that every time it got cold, I was hoping you would ask for my sweater. I was insecure to the point that I would have to start rereading our old text messages just to try to satisfy my craving for you. I was insecure to the point where I spent more time thinking about if you ever thought about me rather than actually thinking about you. I was insecure to the point where I started to wonder if you ever felt like this.

So I asked you.

I asked you what your insecurities were.

And you see… You didn't tell me. And so badly I wanted to know. I wanted to know if there was ever a place in you that never felt safe just so my lips could serve as your shelter and every time you felt lost or abandoned, I could kiss you and make you feel back safe at home. Because I knew what it was like to feel insecure.

And I never wanted you to feel anything like that.

Seven

You were the only person I could tell everything to. If there was something I wanted to rejoice about or cry about or laugh about, you would be that person. You always told me if I ever had any problems, I could just go and talk to you about them. But it's funny, because even after we broke up, you still told me if I ever wanted to talk about any of my problems, you would be there for me.

But I don't think you understand.

How am I supposed to talk about my problems to you, when you are my problem? How am I supposed to rejoice with you, if you are the person I used to rejoice with? How am I supposed to cry, knowing that you're the reason I cry?

Eight

You once told me that before me, you were only in one relationship, and that it never worked out because they cheated on you. Knowing that…knowing that you were once cheated on made me want to become the perfect girlfriend for you. I started to try to become something I clearly wasn't. Something that, funnily enough, wasn't what was perfect for you.

Nine

Even though all between us has ended, I didn't walk away from this empty-handed. You've taught more to me about myself than I would every think to learn.

Ten

When we were together, there would often be times where you would randomly catch me smiling at you. And you would ask me, "Why are you smiling?" And I would tell you that it was nothing and we'd just go about our day. You always wanted to know, but I felt like I didn't even why myself.

But I think I figured it all out.

You see, in the future, if you ever meet another person and you two end up falling for each other and there are random times when you catch them smiling at you and they say it's for no reason whatsoever…don't believe them.

It's not nothing.

Because they aren't just smiling at you, they are smiling at every moment that you guys shared together and every moment they wish to share with you in the future. They are smiling at the next however many years of their life they will live.

Because they feel content. They feel safe.

Ten

You are still the first and last thing on my mind.

Ten

There is not a day that has passed that I haven't thought about you.

Ten

I even tried to get you out of my mind just so I could do normal, everyday things, but you're still on my mind.

Ten

When I'm happy and out with my friends – our friends – I'm still thinking about you.

Ten

I remember the time you were over at my place and I was looking you straight in the eyes and I said, "Your eyes are blue." You looked right back at me and said, "Yours are too."

And we started laughing and I don't even know why to this day.

Ten

I can't believe we started out as friends. And I can't believe how difficult it is to just be friends with you again.

.

I hope you realize the reason that I have been repeating the number ten is because I will never run out of things to say about you. But I know that it all has to stop somewhere.

So I'll stop now.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-

The letter fell from my grip and landed in my lap as I clutched at my head. The sudden memories being forced back to me, the memories I had refused to think about for all these months we had been apart, made my head pound. The void in my chest throbbed.

I had to make this right.

With that thought in mind, I leapt up out of bed and hurriedly made my way downstairs and out the door, quickly shouting "I'm going out!" over my shoulder to my parents before taking off down the street to Beca's house on the corner. The familiar white siding and close-cropped yard of the Mitchell's house loomed ahead, Beca's bedroom window reflecting the sun's rays back into my eyes.

When I had made it to their front door, the door swung open of its own accord. Beca stood right behind it, a shy smile curving her lips. Without hesitation, I grabbed the lapels of her jacket and pulled her right into a long overdue kiss.

"I'm glad you left that letter."

My voice broke our little bubble.

I was content. Finally. My head rested on Beca's chest where I could hear the steady beat of her heart and her lithe fingers gently wove through my copper locks.

"As am I."

The void inside me was finally satiated.

Yeah. Not too good of an ending. And not too much fluff. Bleh.