Disclaimer: First, I am writing from the perspective of a human destined to be a demon and later a demon. Demons are inhuman and don't care about humans. I don't intend to pull any punches. Also, in following with D'Hoffryn's teachings, I'm going to be trying to go for the pain, not the kill. Second, I am not a misogynist (woman hater), but part of this is autobiographical, but mostly fictional (I'm not this quick on my feet in person) & I only hate this woman. Actually hate is now too strong, but I certainly feel the world would be better off without her. I'm sure everyone has someone in their past that they wouldn't waste spit to dowse if they happen to catch fire in their presence. This is mine. While I do think I'm over her, it does make juicy fodder for a vengeance story.
Tuesday, May 24, 2005 7:53 AM Cuppa Java
Ok one thing I never thought I would be is a demon and a vengeance one at that! It is strange sitting among humans (wow actually referring to what I use to be as something other) sippin my Chai Latte and writing this. I've finally recovered from the beating that D'Hoffryn gave me (can't use magic to extract vengeance for yourself, but you can always beat the hell out them!). A week of healing, but it was worth it. Never take vengeance on a demon lord unless you are willing to pay the price! He let me live because I extracted my vengeance in a particularly painful manner. I thought he actually shed a tear, or maybe it was simply the exertion of the beating. At least he didn't take away my computer or tell me I couldn't keep a diary, but more on that later. First, how I came to his attention.
Never go back to your high school reunion. Just assume that no one has really changed and you have kept in touch with all the people that you wanted to. I made the mistake of breaking that rule and had one of the more unpleasant nights of my life, but I did extract some sweet revenge before the night was over!
I never have really fit in with the crowd. Ever. Or had a lot of friends that I could just randomly go and hang out with. Despite being a social person, this usually didn't bothered me. Having a handful of friends that you could count on always seemed better than a group of acquaintances that you didn't really know. This makes me the exact wrong person for a class reunion.
Things were going ok, same little clicks that I didn't fit into, people caring about things I didn't and I was having a superficial conversation with someone that I was more interested in than was interested in me, until my ex showed up. It had been ten years and I had my lovely wife with me, but I didn't know how strongly I felt about my ex until confronted with her. I did the most childish thing I could. I spun around and obviously turned my back on the situation. My reaction wasn't helped by the fact that a moment before the woman I was talking to (someone I had liked a lot in high school) immediately stopped talking to me in favor of talking to this wench. Cut off mid sentence if I remember correctly. My wife was appalled by my behavior and eventually I walked her out into the hall. We waited stupidly in the hall for the friend that I had talked to about meeting at the reunion to show. When she arrived we went back in and found a table away from everyone and sat and chatted alone, much like high school.
Although I had felt that I was over her I never had to see her until now to test this theory. While I still feel as though I'm over her, I certainly have no desire to go back to her and I am past the desire to kill her myself, certain aspects of pain still linger. Even though I didn't feel she was worth the trouble of killing myself, I have had no indication that she had changed from the woman who so callously hurt me, so I didn't feel the world would loose out if she died. She truly is the most selfish person that I have met. She really only cared about how she could get pleasure and damned if anyone else got hurt. While I believe that everyone is inherently selfish and the world would be better off if people subscribed to the idea of enlightened self interest, she was very selfish at the extreme expense of others. Terrifying thing was she was training to be a psychologist when she dumped me. Well, they say the most fucked up people go into psychology. Hmmm... what does that say about me? I have my BA in psychology! Ah, well.
Anyway part of the reason that we broke up is that we agreed to see other people while seeing each other. While I believe any type of relationship can work and there is no reason they need to be limited to pairings, the complexity of the situation increase exponentially as you add people and 99 of the time this is a really bad idea and kills the relationship. The rest of the time it is only a bad idea that will probably kill the relationship. The reason we did this is because I made the mistake of taking something that she said at face value (god, I wish women would actually say what they mean!). Right before I went to a con with someone I was sexually attracted to (never believe that you can't be attracted to others while in a relationship, but know that they are off limits as a gift from you to your significant), she told me As long as you don't fuck anyone it's ok. I thought Oh, sweet! Those words and my reaction are indelibly burned into my mind. Anyway, at the con one night I was tired and not thinking real well and my inhibitions were very lowered by that and the statement by my ex. I ended up messing around with the girl I went with. It was fun and I didn't think much of it since I didn't sleep with her, but when I told my ex, she blew a stack. What she meant was As long as you don't fuck anyone, it's forgivable. Damn.
After a difficult time period and much deliberation we had a contract that allowed us to be together and see other people (a written contract! what the hell was I thinking? love makes you do some stupid things, especially when you are a teenager!). A contract that, I might add, I worked hard to stick to and she pushed the limits of whenever she could and thought nothing of. I continued seeing the girl that I had mistakenly messed around with. Unfortunately I found out that she was more attracted to my ex than to me, which lead to some happy guy fantasies coming true, but ultimately left me out. She started to clandestinely see this guy (my best friend at the time) at the same time as he started seeing a woman that he would later marry. She made me keep her secret since neither of them wanted to tell the other woman that he had some side action. And later I found out that he was attracted to me (while not adverse to the idea of being with a man, I had no sexual attraction to him). Wow, I really won the lottery on this one! Needless to say things ended poorly for me, but she got everything she wanted.
I had heard that she had done something similar to the friend I was meeting. She was messing around my friend's boyfriend and maybe her, I wasn't real clear. The boyfriend left my friend for my ex. When she walked in it was on the arm of the boyfriend. She seemed happy and I knew that my friend had be hurt real bad by the situation. So while I felt that I was over her, my feelings that the world would be better off without my ex were reinforced.
The evening progressed much as one would expect from this wonderful beginning. Watching people fall into their old routines, some inane chatter, and seeing a few people that I had been curious about. The highlight of the evening was when one woman gave another a lap dance right at our table! Don't ask me what anyone is doing now, I have no memory of it.
After a couple of hours of this torture (chatting with my friend and wife was nice, but I could do that anytime) I decided we had well stayed as long as was necessary, perhaps muchly too long. On the way out I said goodbye to the two guys that I was actually happy to see. One was sitting talking with my ex. I finally gotten up the courage and boldly went over to say goodbye. My wife stood possessively behind me.
Looking at her again I took great pleasure in seeing how she had let herself go. I was and am no hunk. People have told me that I am attractive with my long, naturally red hair, but I am far from physically fit and am a bit boyish in appearance (curse the fair hair). My welcoming features had gotten a lot of people to talk to me but hadn't helped much with the ladies beyond talk. Women have a tendency to really like me or really hate me. While I was never physically fit and never much cared, for myself or my significant, she did, even to the point of working out while I was with her if she had become bored with my company. Now, though, she had gotten plump and puffy. She didn't look unpleasant, but not nearly as fit as she used to be. Her boyfriend, who had been a buddy of mine, was downright fat, at least 300 lb. It was petty, but it brought me great pleasure.
I stepped up to my buddy, blatantly ignoring my ex, and said, We're taking off.Oh, it was good to see you again, he said shaking my hand. You do anything like e-mail?Of course. Got anything to write on?
He seemed uninterested in asking my ex for a sheet of her paper which amused me and I certainly wasn't going to. No, but go to my web site: iam. You can get it there.Ah like Fight Club. I am Jacks smirking revenge,' I said, smirking.
Yep that would be the one. My e-mail is on the page there.Cool I'll check it when I get home, I responded. Ah Fight Club, a nice cult classic, or soon will be, like The Crow, which I can no longer watch. I knew it sounded forced, but he played right into my game.
Why not? Your wife not like it? he asked indicating her behind me.
No, loves it. An ex girlfriend burned it for me, I made eye contact with my ex for the first time. My buddy seemed to miss it.
he seemed genuinely interested.
I said returning my attention fully to him. she turned out to be a rotten bitch. Told me she didn't want to see it so I went with another friend with her blessing. Later I found out that she she went with another guy. At first she defended herself by saying there was nothing better at the theater, but then later explained that she didn't want to see it with me. She actually had the gall to ask if that made sense to me. She thought she had done absolutely nothing wrong. Like a lovesick idiot, I forgave her, I kept my ex in the corner of my eye all the while I explained. I took great pleasure as her expression soured as we talked. She knew she could say nothing without giving away that it was her that I was talking about.
Wow that sucks! my buddy continued to unwittingly play along perfectly.
Yeah so, I haven't been able to see it since the betrayal. This was pretty indicative of how she was to act for the rest of our relationship and, I have heard since, with other friends and significance. Unbelievably selfish and totally uncaring about the feelings of others. he said, awestruck.
Yeah, so while I have gotten over the desire to kill her personally, I made sure that I made eye contact with my ex as I said that, she's not worth the trouble, I do believe that the world would be a better place without her in it and would not make even the smallest effort to save her if she were dying at my feet. I didn't realize I would be getting the chance to test my resolve on this soon.
Everyone was stunned to silence at this declaration. I felt my wife tense behind me and my ex actually had the audacity to look hurt and maybe a little frightened. I knew I had a rough couple of days ahead with my wife, but it was worth it for the look on my ex's face.
Ah, well, fun is fun. We should be going now. I'll check out your site and drop you a note, I said to my buddy as I patted him on the shoulder on my way out the door. I made one more eye contact with my ex and tried to pour all my feelings about her into it. She still looked genuinely hurt and scared of me and I loved every minute of it. I had long wished to hurt her the way she had hurt me. I don't think I had quite accomplished it, but I had inflicted some pain. I dropped an e-mail to my buddy soon after and haven't heard back from him. Maybe I scared him too? I'll try again soon.
I found out later that I poured so much of my pain and my desire to inflict pain into my words that they caught D'Hoffryn's attention. I also found out that due to this woman he had been vaguely watching me for some time wondering what I would do. Apparently this is how he scouts. He finds people that have been hurt real bad and watches to see if they extract vengeance. Although he had not seen anyone wait so long to it. My wait period intrigued him and he had to see what I would do with other opportunities, but more of that later. I need to see a man about a girl...