Disclaimer: *insert the obvious here*
(A/N) I'd just like to point out that this is a joke. I mean no offense to anybody. (I like and/or enjoy and/or am amused by a lot of the pairings and details I mention.) This is just to amuse everybody by poking some fun at couples and commonly-used ideas.
Also: I was inspired to write this by two kinda similar stories: iCliché by Lovely Amelie and The Greatest Victorious Fanfiction Guide Evar by f u d g e y o u (Note: She sometimes changes her username.)
Well, I hope you enjoy my odd sense of humor. :P
(ZOMG IT'S THE INTRODUCTION!1!shiftone!)
Why hello there! I'm talking to you.
You, yes you! You, the PJO fanfiction writer!
See, I'm here to help you. Here to help you become a better PJO fanfiction writer. Now you may be telling yourself that you don't need help writing for PJO; you're probably telling yourself that you use original ideas, you stray from the clichés of the fandom, and you never write OOC characters.
Well, you're doing it wrong.
Original ideas? Ignoring clichés? No OOC characters? That is not the fanfiction way. I'm sorry to tell you.
But don't worry! I'm here to help you! With my help, you'll have characters acting so unlike themselves Rick Riordan would cry, ideas so overused the reader will always know what's coming and OH EM GEE SO MANY REVIEWS!11!shiftoneone! And your couple-based fics? They'll be so unoriginal and implement ideas so grossly overused that you could make the music industry beam with pride!
Trust me. You won't regret taking my advice. Think of me as your fairy godmother. (Actually, don't. I'll smack you.)
Ok. So...
On with the guide!
(LEIK OMG, IT'S PERCABETH aka TRU ADORBZ LUV!1! *fangirl squeal*)
Percabeth: The couple everyone loves. The couple we were all rooting for. The couple that gets you OH EM GEE SO MANY REVIEWS!11shiftoneone! and like tons of hits. For reals, yo.
But let's not forget the most important detail of all!
DEY HAVE AN EPIC TRU LUV. LIKE SRSLY.
So as the author, you might wanna make the best Percabeth oneshot of all time! You'll probably want to write Annabeth as the tough, clever, intelligent female she is and Percy as the noble, obtuse teenage boy he is.
BUT THAT IS A MISTAKE.
If you want the absurd amount of reviews, then you must distort their characters as much as possible.
One way to do this is the omgfirsttime!Percabeth fic in which they do it. Yes, because even though they never act like it in the books, Percy and Annabeth are constantly wanting to get in each other's pants because they apparently have a huge hormone surge after the fifth book.
So there's two ways you can go with this: You can have Percy be a bumbling, romantic who 'AWWW, he just wants to make their first time LEIK SO SPESHUL' complete with corny roses and candles and all that romantic crap Hollywood force-feeds us.
Then after they screw each other- OH NO I'M SORRY THEY 'MAKE LUV', the next morning they bask in their tru luv. And maybe Annabeth gets pregnant. (Ah, but that's for later!)
The other way you can go with this is to turn Percy and Annabeth into a couple of hormone-crazed teenagers who can't keep their hands off each other and want to have sex everywhere. All. The. Time. Don't forget this detail for it is very important.
Then the fangirly author will write some very vague smut (and the smut fans will get their torches ready) and it's supposed to be all 'passionate' and 'amazing' and it's all one big vague metaphor. And of course nobody walks in on them because you can't have anything unplesant/bad/embarrassing to Percy and Annabeth without the reviewers throwing you in the deepest pit in Tartarus.
And if you want OHMYGODS MOAR REVIEWZ, then you write a fic where Percy and Annabeth have a child. Annabeth goes through hours of labor that the author skips because nobody wants to hear about the pain that comes with labor (being realistic? Unheard of!) and Percy and Annabeth are all emotional and crying and basically acting pretty OOC over the birth of their child (Note: The child usually has Percy's BEE-YOO-TEE-FUL green eyes).
Then there's the marriage!fic. Now as Percy and Annabeth are about to get married (on the beach, please don't forget that) and Percy's drooling over Annabeth's beauty and having an internal monologue in italics about his luckiness, when monsters attack because it's a wedding with a bunch of demigods attending, there should be monsters because logic-
OH SILLY ME. /facepalm/
Logic? In a fanfic? What was I thinking? In your fanfic, you should replace all instances of logic with Annabeth drooling over Percy because he's OMG SO FREAKING HAWT.
Percy and Annabeth's perfect wedding can't be ruined by monsters and the silly concept of logic! Just because there's a crapload of demigods with their demigod scent wafting through the air doesn't mean a monster should show up! Pshaw!
So after their perfect wedding (which, holy crap, is so perfect in its perfection), Percy and Annabeth ride on a glitter-puking unicorn into the land of sunshine and rainbows.
THE END.
(Rico- THE FORBIDDEN LOVE STORY D:)
Now let me explain one thing: Canon doesn't matter.
Just because Rachel and Nico barely speak to each other in the books doesn't mean they love each other. So what if Nico's like twelve in The Last Olympian and Rachel's sixteen?
AGE IS BUT A NUMBER MY FRIEND. SRSLY.
Of course, your Rachel/Nico fic must be a couple of years in the future so Rachel doesn't seem like a pedophile. But that's just a minor detail.
ANYWAYS.
In the your fic, the reader must find out that Nico-gasp!- was always in love with Rachel even if he barely talked to her at first.
NO. FREAKING. WAY.
BUT WAIT.
Rachel-double gasp!- is starting to fall for Nico! (You. Can't. Forget. This.)
But then they must remember that Rachel's the Oracle of Delphi and that Apollo would kill Nico if he dated Rachel so it's a FORBIDDEN LOVE STORY. (Dun, dun, dun!)
So one day when Rachel and Nico are feeling particularly hormonal, they have to be conviently alone somewhere. And then they must talk. Then Nico has to screw- no wait, I mean defile (srsly. You must refer to it as Nico defiling her since she's all 'sacred to Apollo' and 'important to him' and a bunch of other meaningless crap that's in the way of their FORBIDDEN LOVE STORY [Dun, dun, dun!]) her.
Just because Apollo's a Greek God, and the God of Prophecy, and it's implied he knows a lot about what's happening and what will happen doesn't mean he's going to find out Nico tarnished his sacred property! Of course not! That would only be logical! And who cares about logic? Nobody, of course!
So the FORBIDDEN LOVE STORY (Dun, dun, dun!) of Rachel&Nico continues. They sneak away from people and hide and they do it. Why don't they go on a date? Because a date wouldn't anger Apollo as much as their having sex. DUR.
(AND DON'T FORGET THE ANGSTT. WHAT IS A PJO FIC WITHOUT ANGSTT? NOTHING.)
Eventually, the story ends one of two ways: Either Apollo conveniently changes the rules to allow dating or Rachel stops being the Oracle.
And then Rachel&Nico are all happy and they do it again because they're worse than bunnies in heat.
Yeah.
(Thuke: The Tragedy!)
Now let me bring you up to speed: Even though Thalia and Luke never act like it, they love each other. Ignore the fact Thalia never acts like she's in love with him! Ignore that Luke poisoned her tree (what better way to show tru luv than a murder attempt?) and acts like he might kinda like Annabeth, towards the end.
Point is they loooove each other. Like a lot.
BUT WAIT.
Luke's dead! And Thalia's a Hunter!
Boo-hoo, break out the Kleenex, it's time for a sob-fest!
So how do you write a Thuke fic, you ask?
Well, you could write a pre-series fic. (This reminds me: You can't forget to have Thalia casually remember a kiss she and Luke shared at some point before the series.)
But why do that when you could write an ANGSTT-filled, tear-jerking story about Thalia's feelings over Luke's death?
So here's the story, morning glory!
Thalia has to be all like "OH EM GEE MY SOUL MATE/TRUE LOVE/ WOULD-BE MURDERER IS ALL LIKE DEAD AND I IS SAD."
And Luke has to be all like /dead/.
So what must Thalia do?
SHE MUST RUMINATES INTERNALLY OF COURSE.
And when she's done, she has to decide to look for his reincarnation! And so as she goes around and she's all like "Lalala, I am a Hunter and I am also looking for Luke. And Artemis can't kick me out because I'm not dating him and he is dead."
Then, Thalia starts crying because it's not like she's tough-as-nails or anything right? Just because the books portray her as a tough girl doesn't mean you have to!
POSSIBLE ENDING #1: Thalia finds Luke's reincarnation and they ride off into the sunset...OF LOVE.
POSSIBLE ENDING #2: Thalia doesn't find him and she's sad 4evah.
POSSIBLE ENDING #3: Maybe you wrote an AU fic. In which case, you just give them a happy ending where she isn't a Hunter, Luke isn't dead or a bad guy, and Percy makes out with Annabeth. (You can't have too much Percabeth!)
So yeah.
MOVING ON.
(The Forgotten, The Ignored: Thalico *insert dramatic music here*)
Thalico. Nobody really seems to care about it anymore.
Why? Because when you ship Thalico, you don't ship Rico/Thuke and that means less OMG TEH ANGSTT.
So what do you do?
YOU RAMP UP THE ANGST. OBVIOUSLY.
See, Thalico is like Thuke except Nico isn't dead. Only he has to be like SUPA-DUPA EMO because woe is him! His sister's dead, his tru luv has sworn to be a virgin 4evah, his life sucks, and people have to insist he's emo when he clearly isn't. (For some reason, many people assume that wearing black is a sign of deep emotional turmoil. And for fanfiction purposes, it is!)
And then after a few italicized internal monlogues (all angst and emotional woes must be italicized or else the world explodes. LIKE KA-BOOM.), the reader will discover that Nico is in love with Thalia and has been ever since he saw her walk by without giving him a second look. We know this because the you will discreetly write 'So I'm leik totes in love with Thals' as part of Nico's 902842th internal monologue.
It's all about the subtle details.
We also have to find out that Thalia is having similar issues as Nico. However, I suggest Thalia starts feeling conflicted over her feelings towards Luke so that you can get OVAR 9000 REVIEWS. And pleasepleaseplease don't forget: Thalia wears a lot of black so she's all goth and emo like Nico. (It's a sign that they're meant to be together forever.)
So: Thalia. Nico. ANGSTT.
Got it? Good. Moving on!
After a whole bunch of crap similar to the drama in Rico/Thuke fanfictions, Thalia and Nico hook up.
And then the two gothic emo kids ride off into the gothic emo sunset...OF TRU LUV.
And then the reviewers (you know the ones, the ones who type nothing more than 'omg update soon') throw black (in honor of the couple) sparkles and confetti.
YIPPEE!
(Tratie- Every Fandom Needs A Subtext Pairing!)
First things first: TRATIE EQUALS DA AWESOMEST SUBTEXT PAIRING EVURRR...FOR REALZ.
Second things second: A lot of you are probably wondering why the fandom decided to ship Travis/Katie when considering the few mentions of Katie, people could just as easily ship Connor/Katie. And it's wrong of you to wonder.
YOU DON'T QUESTION THE FANDOM'S DECISIONS.
Besides, Connor/Katie would be Catie or Konnor. Not only do they look and sound stupid, it also sounds like you're just saying their names. So Travis Stoll is obviously the way to go.
Now you might be wondering how to write for characters who really weren't mentioned that much. It's simple, really. You do what politicians do and just BS your way through it. Or you can do what the music industry does and copy the original people.
Whichever way you choose young Padawan, you must include banter. It's their thing. They hate each other, trade witty/sarcastic comments, and make out the rest of the time. It's the Tratie way.
Why is it the Tratie way? Because Travis is a sarcastic, hormone-crazed, Katie-loving, stuff-stealing (kind of) narcissist while Katie is a sarcastic, hormone-crazed, Travis-loving, (somewhat) bitchy flower freak.
So after you write some bantering, screaming, pranking, and secret loving in your Tratie fic, you have to have them get together. How? Well, while you could come up with something original but that would be un-American, so instead you copy others!
A popular way to have them get together is by having Travis walk in on Katie crying her eyes out. And while she's sobbing, Travis will suddenly realize that Katie is a lot hotter than he ever realized because he was too busy pranking her by *insert lame prank that should cause some lol's but doesn't* and he decides that the best way to comfort her is by making out with her.
And as they make out, violins play, Eros shows up in all his diapered bottom glory, sparks fly, and they realize that their burning hatred for each other is actually a passionate love.
Then they continue making out and the reviewers rejoice by saying 'lolz luved it'.
Fantastic.
(Prachel- It's Not Percabeth!)
This is a pairing where Percy does not get to make out with Annabeth.
It stands in the way of Percabeth.
Therefore, it's evil and doesn't deserve any fanfiction. At all.
(Silendorf- The Ones Nobody Cares About)
Nobody writes this couple. Why? Because nobody cares about Silena Beauregard and Charles Beckendorf. Just because they died tragically and heroically doesn't mean we should acknowledge their relationship.
Besides, they're not Percy and Annabeth so they don't get OVAR 9000 REVIEWS OH EM GEE.
So why bother?
(Chrisse- The Bitch & That One Guy)
Clarisse sucks and her boyfriend Chris is barely mentioned. And their names are not Percy Jackson and Annabeth Chase so nobody cares about them.
Yeah.
Moving on!
(Grover&Juniper- The Ones Who Don't Even Have A Couple Name)
NOBODY CARES.
(OC Fics- The Mary Sue Strikes Back!)
Hey, as long as your character is a Mary Sue daughter of Poseidon and there's all sorts of plot-holes, you're good! Bonus points if you spaz out about Percabeth for half of the story!
...
That's pretty much it.
(Endings- The Right Way To Write Them)
Unfortunately, there must come a time when you have to end your story and you are forced to deprive your readers of further dosages of your awesomeness.
There are many ways you can end a story.
The ending can be fluffy and make the readers go 'Awww' and you could write a cheesy epilogue in which the characters reflect on their tru luv.
Or it can be angsty. The characters could be sad and/or dead. Then everybody cries and spams you with reviews.
Or maybe you can actually resolve the conflict with a satisfying solution that leaves the readers pleased.
Oh, who am I kidding? That's lame!
No, the way to go is with subtle (or not so subtle) cliffhanger. If you write a cliffhanger, the reviewers will fall on their knees and beg you to write a sequel. Then you wait a while for all the reviews to come in and smile as all the reviews make you feel better about yourself.
Then you can drop hints in your profile about how you're writing a sequel. The best way to drop a subtle hint is by discreetly writing in large bold italics "HEY U GAIZ! I'M LEIK TOTES GUNNA WRITE A SEQUEL!11!one! Lulz!"
But the most important/best/mind blowing part about cliffhangers is that they-
(Disclaimers- That Pointless Thing You Have To Mention)
Every author wants to be funny.
Every author wants to amuse their readers.
And what better way to do that than by including lame jokes in your disclaimer?
List of Suggestions To Make Your Disclaimer As Generic As Possible:
A) Make a joke that is completely unrelated to the whole concept of disclaimers.
B) Say that since you look nothing like the owner, you can't be the owner. Ignore the hole in this logic. (The hole in this logic is that the reader doesn't know what you look like so they can't know if you're being honest.)
C) State some ludicrous action you did in order to gain ownership and mention that you failed.
D) Simply say that you don't own PJO and move on; this spares your readers from reading pointless stuff. (Pshaw! How lame and boring!)
In conclusion: Disclaimers are the key to making your readers laugh. No, really!
(Author's Notes- Now Useful Blogging Tools!)
Author's notes are for including background information on your story and explaining stuff about the story and/or your writing in general, right? Right?
Ha. Wrong!
They're obviously for rambling on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on about a bunch of personal stuff the reader could care less about.
There are so many things you could bore your reader with! There's global warming, your new sweater, the adorable actions of your kitty, that cute person you saw at that one place at that one time on that one day before you committed that one crime, and so. Much. More.
The possibilities are endless!
Of course your reader wants to know about your horrible math teacher!
And why wouldn't they be fascinated by the details of your plans for next weekend?
So please, if you want people to consider you as 100% pure win, then be sure to tell us every mundane detail of your life! Really!
And let's not forget the shameless review whoring at the end! Don't be afraid to use ridiculous tactics to get people to review such as saying that "LIKE ZOMG U GAIZ. PUPPIEZ WILL B ORPHANED IF U DON'T REVIEW. LIKE SRSLY." Because really, who wouldn't fall for that?
Pfft. And you thought that author's notes were for stuff related to the story.
(Titles & Summaries- Just Add Laziness!)
Now a lot of you may be wondering how to come up with a good title and summary.
It's easy, really.
First things first, you must make the title as vague as possible. Srsly. Don't even worry about spelling and grammar. Nobody cares about that anymore. Same goes for the summary. As long as you spaz out, beg for reviews, and make sure you include 'no flames', your title and summary will be fine.
Don't even bother putting any effort into your titles and summaries. They're not important. They're only what helps your readers find out what the story's about. They're not that big a deal, really.
Just write a short and vague title and summary, kick back, and wait for all the reviews you'll be getting asking what the hell the title and summary mean.
Pfft. And you thought you actually had to be specific in your titles and summaries. Pfft.
(Oh Noes! It's The End!)
And so this amazing, fantastic, superb, swell, marvelous, amazing, great, supercalifragilistic guide comes to an end. (It's okay to cry. I have virtual tissues!)
I hope that you all walk away enlightened on the proper way to write PJO fanfiction.
You know, I really feel like I've done all you writers out there a great kindness.
You're welcome.
(A/N) Well, I hope you all enjoyed this. Sorry if I creeped you out. :P I'm not sure how this turned out (but I don't regret writing it because I can't regret sarcasm, it goes against every fiber of my being) so I'd love to know what you all thought of this! (Reminder: This was a joke and I exaggerated a lot.)
Thanks for reading! :)