WHAT IS WROUGHT BAH DIET COKE!

Yeah, we blame the coke for all occurrences in this fiction.

If Kishimoto wants to sue someone for abuse, sue the god damn Diet Coke makers. Yeah.

Disclaimer : We'd like to own Naruto, coz we'd be rich and in it. Sadly, we don't own it. Don't. sue. Jesus.

8D BEGIIIIIN (Oh, if you lot are here, not having read the prequel, I suggest you go do that now. Else, this will make no sense at all. Not that it does anyway. Issa called 'What Begins With Diet Coke', and issa on mah profile. GO READ, LIKE, NOW!)

"It's good to be back, dattebayo!"

No surprise as to who was back then.

"Naruto!" Cried Tilly and Sakura simultaneously, as they rushed forward to shake the pole on which he was standing in a silent competition to see who could topple him off first.

The blonde boy peered down, a grin lighting his face. "Sakura-chan! … Tilly-girl!" Thus, he leaped down, standing in front of the two kunoichi. "You two look…"

Sakura punched the air. "OLDER!"

Tilly did the same. "Bigger busted!"

"Um, more mature…?" Naruto supposed, a slight sigh escaping his lips. Some things never changed. Ever.

"You seem to have changed quite a bit, eh Naruto? What you been up to on your travels…?" Tilly smirked, giving Naruto a suggestive elbow in the chest.

"Um… Sensei said not to tell."

Tilly's eyes widened. "Oh my god. He really did teach you how to masturbate! Ha! Lee owes me money!"

Sakura looked at Tilly, furtive. "What did Lee bet, then…?"

"That he did not possess the equipment to masturbate."

Naruto glared at the brown haired short girl. "I… really can't believe you're 16. Seriously. You look more like a … well, … I don't know, but you're short!"

Tilly glared back. "So are you, shorty. Gennin. Shorter than me gennin. HA! You're a gennin!" She then proceeded to dance around Naruto, poking him as she did so. "Guess what rank I am?"

"And guess what rank I am!" Sakura added sweetly.

"Both of you, still gennin, right?" Naruto's eyes sparkled. "Just like me, right?"

Sakura giggled. "Hee, I'm a chuunin!"

Tilly cackled, a horrific smile crossing her face. "And I'm a jounin! Oh yeah!" Then, incidentally, she hugged Naruto from happiness. "But, I'm sure that you'll grow up soon too, Naruto."

Naruto's face instantly fell. "So, no kages among us, then?" He muttered in a drawl. "Or… ANBU?"

"Oh, well, Neji is also jounin, and Gaara became Kazekage, incidently."

Naruto blinked. "Oh. Good for him." He was feeling significantly out-classed.

"I do believe that that's Kotetsu on the way with an important summons for us. Over heeere!"

Right on cue, Kotetsu nodded and began to speak. "I have an important summons for you three. Proceed to Hokage Tower!" They could have sworn they heard evil, epic-sounding music in the background as 'Hokage Tower' was mentioned.

"Is that evil background music?" Naruto asked. "Things sure have changed… They got us a village soundtrack…"

"No, that's just your imagination. Come, to Hokage Tower!" Sakura proclaimed.

At that moment, Jiraiya cleared his throat, standing behind the three children, looking thoroughly ignored. "Say, Tilly…" The Frog Dude started.

"Yes, Jiraiya? Is… there… a new…" Tilly's breath hitched. "Icha… Icha?"

"I'm glad you asked." He smirked, and from out of his robes, he procured four books. Four girls on the front. "Behold! Tilly-girl!" He cried (which was accompanied by a cry of "Stop calling me that!") "I have made one for each of your friends, you friends and you are the main characters! Icha Icha Tactics, your version, Icha Icha Hotel, Ro-chan's version, Icha Icha Traitor, the Nat-child's version, and my favourite, Icha Icha Staying-with-an-Evil-Guy! Who else, but Clood's?"

Tilly's jaw dropped. "You… henged into each one of us, just so you could take the cover photos…?!"

Jiraiya nodded. "Most certainly." His face developed an evil sneer. "And I just can't wait until Orochimaru discovers his favourite student on the cover of a porn book! And in it! Nor the feeling of angst Akatsuki shall feel when they find one of their members featuring in an erotic story!"

"You only made… one copy of those, right? Coz, I mean, they might kill you…" Tilly stated. Then, suddenly, it hit her. "Wait, I'm in … one. … In anime, Kakashi receives present… Icha Icha Tactics. Mine. Kakashi receives porn book about me."

Jiraiya paused. "How did you know about Naruto's present for Kakashi?" Before he received the answer he wanted, Tilly began to jump up and down, ignoring him completely.

"YAY! Kakashi-sensei's gonna read a pr0n story about me!"

Naruto blushed feverently. "Let's… just go to Hokage Tower. Now."

Sakura returned to earth from her state of perpetual horror. "Yeah, um, let's go see shishou."

"OFF TO SAKE MASTER!" Needless to say, that was Tilly's addition. Not Jirayia's. Jiraiya was thinking pervy thoughts.

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

Three figures darted through the trees, swiftly, motioning to each other. Words were not necessary. They knew their mission. Noiselessly, they touched down up on the ground, panting slightly, surveying the field in front of them. The field of cows.

A dark, smooth, highly masculine voice muttered to himself, half to his team mates. "They'll catch up to us at this rate…"

Another manly voice replied. "No shit, Sherlock."

"Shut it, menslaves." Came a feminine voice.

"…Well, any bright ideas, ma'am?" Came the first voice, sarcasm infiltrating its very crevices of tone.

"Ah, I have one."

"Do tell, dear." The second manly voice stated.

"We're in a field of cows. We've been ordered specifically not to kill anyone. We have next to no chakra. Going on at this pace, they'll catch up to us. We have the scroll. We're in a field of cows. You know."

The men doubted. "No, not really."

"What can we do?"

"Menslaves, there is but one thing we can do!" There was a slight pause. "Transform into cows!"

"Pardon?"

"What?"

"…You heard me, menslaves, transform into cows! Hide! They won't be able to tell the difference!"

"Clood, this is…"

"What, Sasuke, aside from a great idea?"

"Utterly ridiculous. I'm not disguising myself as a cow. Just, no. Back me up, Nagi."

"No, I rather like the idea, now that I think about it."

There was a slight debate, as the tree team mates shuffled amongst themselves, hitting each other, poking each other and eventually, there were three poofs of smoke, and in the place of the three Sound ninjas, stood cows.

When the enemy ninjas came, well, they didn't have the imagination to suppose their targets had degraded themselves to the point where they changed their images to cows. They went straight past the field. They didn't even notice the scroll in the feminine looking cow's mouth.

Some while after they had passed, the three continued to stand there, keeping up the guise of cows. Clood, her mouth tired, handed the scroll to a cow, one sarcastic looking enough to be Sasuke. Save, it wasn't Sasuke.

Nor was it Nagi.

"NO, CLOOD THAT'S A REAL COW!" Nagi declared, changing back to his human form. Sasuke did the same, horror flashing in his eyes, that same horror changing to despair as the foreign cow ate the scroll. The scroll containing many advanced, A-rank jutsus. The scroll which was most definitely one of a kind.

Clood also transformed back, desolation in her eyes, as she watched the scroll of evil being digested by a cow. "NO, BAD FAT ANIMAL! Give it back! NO! I'll dissect you! Drop, boy, drop!" She motioned frantically at the animal, hitting it sharply on the head, only to find her hand in it's mouth.

Nagi and Sasuke exchanged glances, 'we're fucked' vibes emanating out of the both of them. They continued to exchange more of such looks, each one getting more and more desperate, all the while Clood struggled with the cow in the background, her hand lodged in it's mouth.

"'Toopid animal!" She turned back to her team mates, both standing still, eyeing her situation with looks of amusement, and fear. Fear for what Orochimaru would say if they managed to fail this mission.

"… I know what you're thinking, guys, 'this would never have happened if you hadn't made us transform into stupid cows', but, it's your fault for entertaining and going along with my stupid ideas! Your fault, Sasuke, for transforming into a double of an already existing cow, and not staying close to me, and yours, too, Nagi, for just being there!" She glared at both the men. "Now, get this freakin' cow off my hand, or you will face the full extent of my wrath, anger, and vengeance!" Murderous intent began leaking out.

Then, the cow let go, and ran away from Clood as fast as it could, fearing for it's safety.

"Okay, now, I reassign your orders to catching that thing, and… well, catching it!"

Sasuke raised his hand. "Now, you see, I'm the mission leader here…"

"And you're my manslave."

"Where did that come from, anyway?"

"… The internet?"

"The… what now?"

"Never mind, GET THAT COW, WHORES!"

A few hours later, the three off them stormed back into the Hidden Village of Sound, Nagi carrying a dead cow on his back, Sasuke and Clood covered in mud, and the three of them very, very wet. Just before they presented themselves to their sensei, they dissected a cow to recover their target scroll, which was covered in stomach juices, and partially digested grass.

"It's… sticky," observed Nagi.

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

"KAKASHI-SENSEIII!" Tilly jumped out the window upon her entrance to the Hokage's office, launching herself upon poor Kakashi, who was simply relaxing in the sun on a roof rather near the Hokage Tower.

Tsunade blinked. "How did she know he was out there…?"

"Spider senses, shishou." Sakura replied with a grin. "Tilly can find Kakashi-sensei a mile off!"

The Hokage just nodded and continued to blink, before noticing Naruto. "Oh, hi."

"Tsunade! HI!" Naruto replied, waving his arms.

"Don't you 'hi' me, kid." She turned to Jiraiya. "Hi."

"Hi."

"Don't you 'hi' me, old man!"

"Well, technically, you're olde--"

"Don't say another word." Tsunade's eye twitched ever so slightly.

Naruto pointed at her. "You eye twitch! Like… an eye twitcher!"

By this point, Tilly had dragged Kakashi back inside. "Naruto, Naruto, give him your present!" She cried, jumping up and down, highly excited by the whole affair.

"For sure! Sensei, as my welcoming myself back present to you, I present…" Naruto rifled around in his pockets, pulling out some inconspicuous objects out, before finally reaching his goal. He grinned, and out of his pockets, he procured a shining copy of Icha Icha Tactics, and presented it to Kakashi, his drooling teacher.

"Oh, god, Naruto, this is…"

"Beautiful?"

"I… I…" Slowly, Kakashi flipped open the cover of the book, heavenly light spilling on to his face from inside the book. You could almost hear a chorus of 'hallelujah's in the background, tears began to well up in his visible eye. "Oh, Naruto, this is… So… Hold on, that girl, is that--" However, he was interrupted by both Tilly and Naruto's nervous giggles.

"We'll talk about that later, eh, sensei? Uhm, … you've got something to say, Tsunade-sama, right?" All eyes shifted to Tsunade, who was creeping over to her sake cabinet.

"Oh, right, yeah. You, fight…" She made vague hand motions at Naruto, Kakashi, Sakura and Tilly. "Train… Reform… Leave me ... Jiraiya… Go… Away… Espionage…" More motions. "Sake." She finished, opening up her cabinet, and producing the biggest looking bottle of sake she possessed.

"Yippee!"

"Yay!"

"Huzzahs of the highest level."

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

Orochimaru surveyed his three prodigies, in the way he had to nearly every time they came back from a mission: he surveyed them like they were bad, bad, children, who had stolen cookies out of a cookie jar. "So, kids, care to explain just why you're muddy, carrying a ruined, one of a kind scroll, and why there is a dead cow in my office."

Words could not describe the turmoil in CLOOD'S 'LOLOLOLOL'ING, or, that was in her mind, but really she was … terrified.

"Um, well… Y'see…"

"Go on."

Clood looked to both her team mates, rather hoping to find inspiration. However, both of them were whistling off to the side.

"Sasuke's the team leader. He should explain."

"Yes, I guess he should."

"OH, goddammit." Sasuke glared at the floor, making threatening motions at Nagi and Clood, as if to say 'be prepared for pain in an hour or so'.

"Clood, Nagi, you're dismissed, go sulk in your rooms. Without any dinner. And stop laughing, Clood."

"I'm sorry, but everything around me is funny."

Nagi nodded. "Indeed." He spoke that in a very deep, sexy tone, much like that of Xemnas of Kingdom Hearts 2. Y'know, that one cutscene where he says 'indeed', and we're all obsessed with it, we being Clood and I, and it's like… 'INDEED', but, but he's so calm and cool, and … and, um, awesome and secksay, and, um, back to Naruto.

"If it's that amusing, you can both stay and help Sasuke out."

The Uchiha boy had to restrain himself from snorting in amusement.

"Well, sensei, at least it means I can be near you for a few more sweet minutes!"

"Go to your room, Nagi!"

"Aw… but I like you…"

"Stop touching me!"

And of course, the last few lines were played in Clood's head. Really, Nagi was just looking like he was about to molest Orochimaru. He probably would have, had Sasuke not done it first. Verbally.

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

A silhouette sat itself upon a chair, and began to smirk. This smirk developed into a quiet chuckle, before transfiguring into a full blown cackle, reverberating throughout the halls of the Kazekage's building.

Kankurou burst through the door, startled, staring at the back of Gaara's chair. "Gaara, what's wrong?"

A frightening, dark, voice replied from behind the chair. "Gaara's not here right now… Neither are you…" The cackle started again, this time, Kankurou did not react, he knew precisely who it's owner was.

"Hi, Ro."

"Took you long enough." Ro swung around on her chair, and met Kankurou's gaze with glinting eyes.

"What did you do with Gaara?" Kankurou approached the desk Ro sat behind. When Ro did not reply, he slammed his fist down upon the table. "Look, Ro, I don't have time for this, where the hell is Gaara?"

"If you want to ask him for incest, I'll tell you."

"… No, dear, I wanted to ask him what he did with my eye liner."

"He's up on the roof threatening Deidara. Deidara's from the Akatsuki." Ro caught the look of doubt and annoyance in the puppet man's eyes. "Really. He's come to kill you all."

"What!?"

Ro's eyes sparkled. "We're all going to die!" She proclaimed, her voice melodious and carefree. "Oh, and, be a bit careful walking through the village entrance slash exit, you know, just because."

Kankurou rolled his eyes, before running out, needing to see for himself whether what Ro said really was true or not. He was used to her 'white lies', yet, somehow, this seemed more real. This was verified when a few explosions shook the building from outside. Kankurou ran through the building, his eyes doing the whole 'full of intent thing', before he heard Ro's amused squeals. He stopped for a moment, shuddered, then continued running.

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo – Optional Alex section, skip if you want to continue to live in your head. Written by Clood and Tilly.

"Kampai!" Alex cheerily screamed, knocking glasses with Genma.

"Kampai, pretty lady!"

Alex giggled, and swigged her ninja vodka, which is kind of a misnomer, considering that she's a 'fantastical samurai'. She sighed as she swigged the alcohol, and began to tell her 'life story' to Genma.

"Well, y'see, my life story…"

"Ah… a-ah didn't askeh 'bout it…" Genma muttered, swaying slightly.

"MAH LIFE STORY!"

"Ah… ahkay…"

"Wahll, it was a nice summery day, when I fell into ah compooter screen… And I woke up, like, in a place with… this… ninja, and he was like RAWR, and I was like… I R SAMURAI! So, so… I ran 'way, and he not follow, coz he was already dead. Then, I lived doing stuff, stalkin' Rockeh Leeee, and making peoplez clothehs for living."

Genma nodded, thoroughly taken in by Alex's emotional tale.

"Then, were like… so many people ninjas, and I were like… OHMAGOD lots of ninjas, so I became a cool samurai and tried to beat their heads in with sticks, and… I didn't, coz, they were like 'BACK TO SOUNDEH PLACE', soh, then I had more drinks here, with Deidara-man."

Genma nodded again, utterly captivated by the immense depth and description riddled throughout Alex's well thought out wording.

"THEN! I woke up with bad hangover, and found myself making more clothes for living. Then, I spent long time do this, yes?" She paused, her eyes saddening. "Alex is not know what happen to Alex friends. They were such tasty morsels…"

Genma snorted. "Ho, Alex friend are Clood, yes? Clood is… this badass traitor, and has been for like… So many years. Like, three. She big time Leaf-enemy."

Alex sobbed. "NO! HOW! HOW COULD SHE?!"

"And, and, Tilly friend girl, she still here. He – uh…she…he…she big time ninja cool person!" Genma declared, striking a pose.

Alex was overjoyed. "I SHALL VISIT HER!" She stood up, and sat down again. "But, first, moar alcohol!"

Genma nodded. "To victory!"

The two of them drunk away the rest of the night.

Ehmagod.

FIRSTAY CHAPPYTER.

You guys wanted to know what happened to Alex, right? Well, here you go. She became a seamstress, and lived out her sad, sad existence, tailor fitting jounin vests. Mostly for Genma, who typically rips his off in fits of passion.

As for Oro being a bit… Out of character, take it as the Clood effect.

First, you hate it, second, you begin to act like her (all but a little), finally, you get so fed up with it, you just go back to being your normal self.

So, read more stuff in a little while, the next chapter containing Deidara, Gaara, a lil bit of Sasori, absolutely no Alex, Team 13 getting tortured by their cruel, inhumane teacher, and Kakashi reading extracts of the four, new, Icha Icha books. (But mainly Icha Icha Tactics! Cos it's canon an' stuff! – Tilly)

Now, if that doesn't make you want to come back next chapter, I don't know what will.

Oh, um, nekked Sasuke!

… Well, depends on how feel, yes? Moar reviews, more possibilities of nekked Sasuke.

Bai, poutou 8D