Subconscious
I don't own CSI:NY or its characters but I sure do wish I did!! :P
Chapter One
I wonder what's happening with her, thought Mac Taylor. It was 2AM, and he was still up in the hospital waiting for Ella Gardener to be discharged by her doctor. He had brought Ella in the hospital after receiving a call from her two hours ago. Mac had thought that he was too late when he entered Ella's apartment. He had found her sitting against her counter with both her wrists lashed. Basically, he made it on time to rescue her.
Now they were at the hospital and a tired Mac Taylor sat waiting in front of the nurse's station. He was about to fall asleep completely when a familiar voice said worriedly, "Mac! How is she?"
Stella Bonasera came rushing in from the elevator to where he sat. Mac smiled inwardly at the sight of his colleague. Though they argued about some things, Stella will always be there when he needed her.
"Stella, what are you doing here at this hour?" asked Mac. Stella sat down beside him and put a comforting hand on his shoulders.
"Flack told me that Ella Gardener called you and that she was in trouble. I came as soon as I could! What happened?" Stella said.
"Well, she tried to kill herself. I came just in time to bring her here to be treated. I don't know what's taking the doctor so long." Just then, the doctor came out of nowhere and went straight to Mac and Stella.
"Are you the one who brought the lashed lady in?" he inquired.
"Yes, doctor," Mac replied, "Detective Mac Taylor from the New York Crime Lab."
"Doctor Abraham Barnes," said the doctor. They shook hands and Mac asked the question that bugged him for two hours now.
"How is Ella?"
"She's fine now. It took us a while to treat her because she was very stubborn. Didn't want us near her. But Nurse Jenkins persuaded her and after a while, she sat still," the doctor reported.
"She tried to kill herself, doctor," confided Mac, "I think it's because of depression. She's alone now and misses her parents. Is she coming out now?"
"Yes, in a few minutes. I advised her to talk to a psychologist about her problems. I hope she takes it. If it's depression, then she needs someone to talk to."
Mac looked at the doctor for a moment then said, "I'll ask her to do that, too. Thanks a lot, doctor." The man left and Mac turned to Stella. "Thanks for coming down here, Stel. And I'm sorry for being harsh about the Greek guy. I was just doing what I thought was for the better of the Lab. I hope you understand."
Stella smiled. "I'm sorry, too. But, Mac, I can't promise anything about the guy. I'm not going to stop until I catch him. But I'll make sure they won't come to the Lab for this. Don't worry about that." She looked at Mac reproachfully, which made him reply, "Just keep it discreet. Thanks for the company. I appreciate it."
He hugged Stella tightly. Just then, Ella Gardener came out of the operating room and spotted the person she was looking for. Mac Taylor.
Chapter Two
Ella felt like her insides were being squeezed tightly and she can't breathe. Who was that woman hugging her Mac? They came out of their embrace and the woman saw her. She smiled.
"Hello, Ella. I'm detective Bonasera from the Crime Lab. I work with Mac. How are you feeling?" she asked.
"I-I'm fine. Just a little shaky." What was I thinking? I can't compete with her. She's too beautiful and intelligent! Mac would never like me now. Ella tried to smile at her but it felt more like a grimace.
"Well, I have to leave now. Have a safe night, both of you," said Stella. She hugged Mac once more and whispered something in his ear. He smiled.
Ella couldn't take it anymore. So she was Mac's type of woman? I could be like that, Ella thought as she examined Stella leave. Then Mac would love me.
When Stella's elevator closed, Mac finally tore his gaze from her. Stella was such a sweet friend, coming down all the way to the hospital just to see if he was alright. Then he remembered Ella. She had a lot to explain. Mac turned his eyes on her and saw her blush a bit.
"Do you want to go home?" he asked.
"No. Can we take a walk at the park near my apartment? Please, detective?"
Mac was taken off guard when she called him "detective." He was tired and wanted so badly to just crash in his bed but instead he said, "Why not?"
They left the hospital together and came out into the cold night.
After ten minutes, they were at the little park near Ella's apartment. They walked in silence for a while. Then Mac asked, "Why did you do that?"
Ella looked up at him and said, "I really wanted to end my life earlier. I called you because I wanted to say goodbye. To hear your voice for the last time. But you came. You rescued me."
Mac looked at her beadily. He knew that Ella had some feelings for him. And he shouldn't encourage it. But how will he do it tactfully? He can't possibly reject her openly when she's in this state. That would make it much worse for her. But then, he can't encourage her to continue feeling this way either.
When Mac Taylor didn't speak, Ella blurted out, "Why did you come? Why didn't you just let me die? I can handle it."
"You think I'd let someone die when I knew that they were dying right there under my nose? I don't think so."
"But you don't love me," whispered the girl. Mac pretended that he didn't hear what she had said. No, he didn't love her. He still loved Claire, his late wife. And he was still missing Peyton Driscoll, his ex-girlfriend.
"Well, I still think that you should take Dr. Barnes's advice. Go talk to someone. If you don't want a psychologist to help you, you could talk to a friend or another relative. That would help you heal more easily, Ella." Mac looked away and thought deeply. He could ask Stella to talk to her. Or maybe Lindsay. His CSIs have never failed him before. If they can't do it, maybe Angel would be willing to.
Not that he was avoiding her. If she didn't have romantic feelings for him and would not misunderstand his kindness, he would've talked to her. She didn't need this right now. Ella needed someone who could be her friend. Someone who would always be there when she needed them. Preferably someone from the same sex.
"Mac...is something wrong?" Ella asked cautiously. He had been silent for a few minutes now. Had she said something to offend him? No, not now. Not when he had made her so happy by just showing up to take her to the hospital.
"Nothing's wrong, Ella. We should go home now. It's nearly four o'clock. I'll get you back to your apartment."
Ella, resentful at the sudden preoccupation that Mac had taken, reluctantly let herself be dragged back to her personal prison. When they had reached her doorstep, Mac said, "Please don't do that anymore. You made people who care about you worry. Tomorrow, when you have had enough rest, go see a psychologist or a friend. Talk to them. Don't worry about being alone anymore. You still have us, your friends, who care about you. Good night, Ella."
She nodded and felt the sudden rush to go to her bed and fall asleep. "Thank you for your kindness, Mac. I really appreciate it. Go home. Good night. See you." Ella closed the door and went straight to her bedroom. She had a lot to think about tonight.
How in the world will she make Mac Taylor fall in love with her?
Chapter Three
The next day, when Ella had woken up at one in the afternoon, the first thought that she had was to ask what had happened the night before. Then she remembered her little stunt and couldn't believe that Mac Taylor would actually come for her. He must've taken his job more seriously than she thought. He had advised her to talk to a psychologist or a friend. But he was the only one that she wanted to talk to. Couldn't he see that? Or was it because of his little friend, Detective Bonasera?
Ella thought about these things while fishing for something to eat. She realized just how hungry she was. I wonder if I could call Mac today? Or would that be asking for too much? She eyed her cell phone. She can't make him worry now. He would be under so much stress. She can't possibly make her love feel that way. But she so badly wanted to talk to him. Why is he making this so hard?
After brunch and a cold bath, she decided to take a walk at the park by herself and think. She went out to a sunny day and felt her spirits go up. When she came around a quiet corner, she heard people talking. It sounded like it was private. She was about to turn back when she recognized the voices. Mac and Stella.
"...thought she was alright when she left the Lab. But I think I was wrong," Mac confided to Stella.
"She'll be fine, Mac. I'll go talk to her if you want. Don't worry too much about it," Stella replied. She put a comforting hand on top of Mac's and he smiled gratefully at her. "What would I do without you, Stella?"
"I don't know! Ha, ha!" laughed Stella. "Do you want to go for a bite before coming back to the Lab?"
"Alright. It's my treat today. The least I could do to repay your company." Mac smiled at her. Ella again felt her insides churn when she saw him smile that way at Stella. What does she think she's doing? Mac was supposed to like her, not show-off Stella Bonasera!
Ella hid behind a huge oak tree when they stood up to leave, hand in hand, laughing as they went. They stopped in front of a hotdog stand and Mac bought them a snack each and they went off to eat them on the way to work.
Boy, was she jealous. Why did she have to see that? And the high spirits went down the drain. All thanks to you, thought Ella.
Chapter Four
A week had passed since the walk at the park happened. But Ella Gardener still felt somewhat jealous and betrayed by Mac Taylor. She spent the week wondering, thinking how she could possibly make Mac happy again. Not when he had his Detective Stella around.
Walking at downtown New York City, she spotted a woman with bushy brown hair coming in to a vintage shop. Ella moved a little closer to the shop window and stared. She saw Stella talk to the clerk at the counter and move down an aisle to look at clothes.
Style...maybe that's what Mac first liked about her. Why don't I try to look like her?
Ella waited until Stella came out of the shop and she came in. She looked through all the articles she saw Stella buy and decided to buy some of her own. After an hour of dressing rooms and vintage clothes, Ella came out of the shop sporting a style looking uncannily like Stella's. She walked back to her apartment and saw people, especially men, take a double look at her. So this is what it feels like to be Stella. Not bad, I'll give her that credit.
She came inside her apartment and pushed the answering machine for messages. She was surprised to find that there were three of them, and one was from the man she wanted to talk to badly for the past week. Ella smiled as she listened to his voice issue from the answering machine.
Ella, this is Mac, Mac Taylor. How are you? I hope you're doing well. I want to introduce you to a CSI of mine, Lindsay Monroe. Do you think you could meet us this afternoon at the café downtown near the Fowler Hospital? It would be nice if you could. Please call me back if you're coming as soon as you receive this message. Thank you.
"Of course I could meet Mac and whoever this Lindsay is! I can't wait for him to see my improved style, courtesy of Stella," Ella said to herself. Then she called Mac to tell him she was going to meet them.
That afternoon, the three of them were sitting in a table at the sidewalk of Café Lucida. Mac broke the ice and introduced the women to each other. "Ella, this is Lindsay Monroe. She works at the Lab with me. I hope you two could be good friends."
Mac turned to Lindsay and said, "Linds, this is Ella Gardener, the girl I've been telling you about."
I wonder what he's talking about me, thought Ella. Ella smiled at her. She was also very pretty, with short hair and cute smile.
"Mac tells me that your book will be published soon. I can't wait to read it," Lindsay smiled.
"Yeah. About a month from now, it's gonna be out on the bookstores already. Thanks for the praise about my work. Hardly anyone does that now since my dad died," Ella replied.
"Don't worry about it. I've went to your site and I really liked it. I told Mac that confession's good for the soul," said Lindsay courteously. She turned to Mac and shot him a meaningful glance. Ella wondered what that meant.
The rest of the afternoon went by smoothly and Ella was surprised to realize that she genuinely liked Lindsay's company. She had a lot of stories back from her Montana days and had a great sense of humour. Mac and Lindsay walked Ella back to her apartment. When they were in front, Lindsay said, "'Bye, Ella. I've really enjoyed talking with you. I hope we could do this sometime again. My friends from Montana would love you—and your work."
Ella, out of high spirits, asked them to go inside her apartment for a drink. Mac and Lindsay looked at each other and Lindsay replied sheepishly, "I'm sorry, but we can't today. You see, the Lab's going to celebrate Stella's birthday tonight and Mac and I still have to run some errands. Mac still has to buy Stella a Greek ring." Lindsay looked at Mac with humour in her eyes. Mac, riding in with Lindsay's joke, said, "Yeah. I still have to buy our engagement ring and pop the question to her tonight."
Lindsay whooped and laughed. Mac joined in after a few seconds. Ella felt left out and jealous but forced herself to smile. "Are you and Stella going out?"
Lindsay stopped laughing immediately and turned to Mac. He looked at Ella squarely and said, "No, not at all. It's just that people seem to think that all the time that we just make a joke out of it."
"Oh. But, she's important to you, isn't she?" Ella asked. It was as if Lindsay wasn't there with them. She wanted to know this for so long now.
"Yes, of course she is," Mac didn't say anything more on the subject. He glanced at Lindsay and said, "We have to go now before Stel leaves the Lab."
Lindsay, looking surprised, replied, "OK. 'Bye now, Ella. Hope we could get together again soon. Thanks for the invite, anyway. Call me when you have time! See you!" She and Mac went back to the café where their car was parked, leaving Ella standing at the doorstep to her apartment.
Stella Bonasera. Again. What does she have that I don't? Ella thought angrily.
"Was it just me, or was Ella a little touchy when I mentioned Stella?" Lindsay asked as they walked back to the car.
"Yeah. If you must know, I think Ella misunderstood my kindness to her when her dad died and her mom was arrested. So..."
"So she thinks now that you may have some feelings for her? Or does she love you now?"
"I think the answer to both question is yes."
"Wow, Mac. It must be hard to have girls fighting over for your love all the time," Lindsay joked.
Mac smiled. "It's not as hard as you think. Ha, ha!" They reached the car now and drove away for some errands. On the way, Mac thought about how he would resist Ella's advances without hurting her, considering her situation.
When evening came, Mac, along with their lab rats, surprised Stella before she went home. "I didn't think you would all remember!" Stella had exclaimed after.
Mac waited until everyone had left to talk to Stella about their progress with Ella. But Stella beat her to it. "How was Lindsay?"
Mac sighed. "I thought everything was going to be fine. But unexpectedly, something happened that I think just hurt Ella Gardener more."
"What? Why? What happened?" Stella asked worriedly.
"When Ella invited us inside her apartment for a cup, Lindsay mentioned that we were going to throw a party for you. Then the subject of me buying you an engagement ring to pop the question tonight came to surface. I know Lindsay didn't mean any harm, so I rode in with the joke. Then Ella turned "touchy" as Lindsay had put it earlier."
"Touchy?" Stella repeated.
"Yep. She suddenly asked me if we were going out. Of course I said no, and then she asked me if you were important to me," Mac answered.
"And what did you say?"
"I said, 'Of course she is important to me.' I didn't say anything anymore on the subject, and we left."
"Um, if you don't mind me asking, does Ella like you, Mac?" Stella asked cautiously. She didn't want to irritate Mac any more.
"Yes. I think she does. I think she misunderstood my kindness to her when her father was killed."
"Oh," Stella said knowingly. "Don't you see it? She's jealous of me, Mac. I think she thought that I was your girlfriend back there at the hospital. Is that what you're trying to do? To reject her subtly?"
"Yes. Am I doing OK?" Mac asked her with a smile.
"You're doing fine for someone who has had at least some experience with women," Stella laughed. But she turned serious. "I think it's really nice of you to do that. I just hope she understands. It would probably be best if only Lindsay befriended her like that. I have a feeling that she won't fully appreciate me at the moment."
Mac nodded. "One last thing, though, Stel. Lindsay mentioned that she thinks Ella might be copying your style or something. You should ask her about it."
"Alright, I will. Since you don't know about girls..." Stella sniggered. "Good night, Mac. And thanks for the party."
Mac smiled and mumbled, "women" before he bid Stella good night and went home.
Chapter Five
Stella woke up the next morning thinking how she would spend her day off. Then she remembered her talk with Mac the night before. Stella finally decided to pay Ella Gardener a visit.
An hour later, she was in front of Ella's doorstep. Stella knocked cautiously. "Coming!" Ella said from inside. When she opened the door, the last person she wanted to see smiled at her from the doorway.
"Hello, Ella. May I come in, please?" Stella asked.
"Uh, sure, detective." Ella stepped aside to make way for Stella. What is she doing here?
Stella answered her thought. "You're probably wondering why I'm even here at the first place. Mac has been telling me about you, Ella. He's...concerned about you, so he asked me to come talk to you."
"Why didn't he come and talk to me himself?" Ella asked a bit too rudely, but Stella didn't seem to mind.
"Well, Mac has been pretty busy lately and he'd love to talk with you as soon as he can. In the meantime, he asked me to see how you were doing." Stella knew she sounded like a secretary talking to her boss's daughter, but she also knew that this was the only way to confront Ella without hurting her.
"Oh. How is Mac? I saw him yesterday, but he didn't talk much."
"He's good. I must admit, he wants us to get to know each other better. So I thought you'd like to go to the Metropolitan Museum with me or something," Stella said hopefully.
Ella actually smiled. "Okay. I'd love some company today."
Fifteen minutes later, they were entering the Metropolitan Museum and looking around at the art. "So do you go here often?" asked Stella.
"No, but I used to. When I was a kid, my dad used to take me to museums. He loved art, too," Ella replied wistfully.
Stella looked at her curiously. "Why don't you go here anymore?"
"Oh, I don't know, honestly. I mean, I guess I haven't thought about going to this place since my father died. But it's nice. It reminds me of him."
"Yeah, I know. Once I had a friend who also loved looking at artworks. We used to go to every museum we could find. But then she went away and we lost communication. Every time I go here, though, I remember her."
"Do you and Mac always go here?" Ella blurted out.
Stella looked at her, surprised. "We once went here, for a case. But we haven't been here for fun yet. Why do you ask?"
"Oh, well, I don't know. You two seem very close, I guess."
Stella smiled fondly, remembering the times she had spent with Mac herself. "Well, we are close. He has been my friend for years now. He is like my brother."
"Brother?" Ella did a double take. Is Stella saying that she and Mac are not a couple?
"Yes, brother. Mac has been there for me since then and he is family," said Stella. "Why, what did you think we were?" She pretended not to know exactly what Ella thought of her and Mac.
"Well, uh, I thought you were going out. I mean, the way Mac looks at you...the way you smile at each other. So I just assumed that you were together," Ella replied sheepishly.
"Oh, no. We're just very close friends. By the way, nice outfit. It reminds me of someone..." Stella let herself trail off—she didn't want to embarrass Ella by saying that she thinks she's copying Stella's style. But Ella didn't seem to hear her. So Stella and Mac weren't going out after all! And maybe, just maybe, Mac cared for her too. He did send Stella to see how she was doing. But still. Hmm...
Stella cleared her throat. "If you don't mind me asking, are you in a relationship at the moment?"
What a curious question to ask for her, Ella thought. "Well, I have seen guys then, but no, I'm not in a relationship at the moment. Why do you ask, detective?"
"Oh, no, call me Stella. Nothing. I just thought you were. Such a nice and pretty girl like you," Stella said hurriedly.
"So if you and Mac are not a couple, are you seeing someone at the moment?" Ella asked.
"Well, like you, I did use to see someone. His name is Franky Mala. But, uh, things got a little bit problematic. I don't know if you've heard of the news that we made," Stella laughed.
"As a matter of fact, I haven't. I have known your lab only when you found our family," Ella smiled.
"Well, then, I think it would be nicer and wiser to not fill you out with the complicated details now," Stella laughed. The pair walked through corridors full of paintings by famous artists. After a while, Stella suddenly realized that Ella wasn't walking beside her anymore. She had stopped in front of a painting and looked deep in thought.
"Ella, what's wrong?"
Ella looked around as if she was coming back to reality after pondering over a complicated matter. Stella rushed to her side, but before she could speak, Ella exclaimed, "I have been jealous all this time!"
"Jealous? Of what?" asked Stella.
"Of you. Because Mac always seemed to care for you more than a person should care for his colleague. It always seemed that you and Mac have something special going on between you, and between you two only."
Stella didn't know what to say after that. She had noticed it before, but she always ignored it because she knew deep down in her heart that Mac is only a brother. A brother who was always there for her whenever she needed him. She was speechless for a moment and Ella took this moment to rush on to what she wanted to say.
"And then, that day he took me to the hospital and you whispered something in his ear before you went out...well, it's really embarrassing to admit but I was also jealous of you at that time. You see, Stella, he can't seem to take his eyes off you."
Finally Stella recovered from her shock. "Well, Ella, believe me, a lot of people had thought the same thing about us before. But my relationship with Mac had never gone beyond friendship."
"So...if you don't mind me asking, do you think he would be able to like me now?" Ella asked nervously.
Stella smiled wanly at her. "I can't possibly answer that question in behalf of Mac."
"It's just that...I really like Mac. He always makes me smile, and he was there every time I needed someone to comfort me. And, maybe I'm wrong to think like this, but I thought that he liked me too. I know it's silly..."
"It's not silly to think like that. It just means you're a normal person with feelings and thoughts. But, I'm really sorry to tell you that I really cannot answer your question. You'd have to ask that of Mac himself," Stella said consolingly. She patted her hands.
Ella looked at her and knew as she looked at Stella's eyes that she was telling her the truth. Somehow, she'd have to ask Mac himself this question.
Chapter Six
I can't believe I went all the way here just to ask him if he had feelings for me, Ella thought as she walked inside the New York Crime Laboratory. She looked around her. So this was Mac's environment every day. People were running around, holding clipboards and vials and other things that she couldn't recognize.
"Excuse me, but I was looking for Detective Mac Taylor. Do you happen to know where he is?" she asked the person at the information podium. But a surprised voice said from behind her, "Ella! What are you doing here?"
Ella turned around and found Mac dressed in his usual black suit and carrying a tablet in his hand. He looked surprised to see her there.
"Oh, hello, Mac. Um, I was actually looking for you. Um...can I talk to you for a second?" she asked nervously. Ella had never felt so nervous before in her life. For Pete's sake, this was only Mac Taylor! It wasn't like she's going to speak before a multitude. Yeah, right. She knew if he rejected her, she wouldn't feel whole again for a long time.
Mac led her to a quiet, empty corridor. They sat down the bench. Mac began. "Now, what did you want to talk about? Are you having troubles?" Here he was, always worried. Always ready to rescue people out of their misery.
"Actually, it was Stella that made me make this decision to talk to you."
"Stella?"
"Yes. She and I spent some time yesterday and she said some things that made me think and finally, make me decide to talk to you."
"And what did you want to talk about?" Mac asked again.
"Well, I was going to ask you if you, by any chance, have some other feelings for me, too..." Ella trailed off, terrified to look at him in the eyes.
Mac let out a sigh. He knew this would come up sooner or later. He also knew he would have to tell her something that he knew would only hurt her more. Well, the truth will set him free. But the truth also hurts.
"Ella...I...I think you're a really wonderful girl and you deserve someone who is worthy of you. But I'm afraid that I'm not that person. I can't possibly deprive you of the chance to be ready when the right one comes along. I know this would hurt you now, but trust me, this would be for the best," Mac smiled vaguely.
For a while, Ella couldn't speak. As the words finally hit her, her heart was ready to break into a million pieces again. Never whole—that was who she was. Always being hurt. And nobody seemed to care.
She didn't even remember how she said goodbye to Mac and went home. As she got to her apartment, she thought of what he said: "I know this would hurt you now, but trust me, this would be for the best." How could he know what was the best if he was breaking her heart at that very moment?
Did anyone care about her at all?
Mac's heart was also ready to break once he saw Ella's reaction to his words. He knew he won't be able to fill Ella's needs because he did not love her at all. He cared for someone more than he cares for her. And that someone put her hand comfortingly on his shoulders as they watched Ella go. Mac turned to find Stella smiling hopefully as she said, "Don't worry, Mac. She'll understand someday. She will be fine."
Mac Taylor looked at her and knew that she was right. She always is.
Tired from everything that happened that day, Ella Gardener was more than ready to let her brain (and her heart) rest from all the exhaustion. As she lay in her bed, lulling herself to sleep, Ella knew at the back of her mind that Mac will never really be the right man for her. She deserved someone, but somehow, losing Mac was just as painful as losing someone she truly cared for.