Chapter 1:
Disclaimers: I do not own Bleach...because if I did own Bleach, Hitsugaya Toushiro would be the main character, and Renji would be giving hair extensions to cover his bald stuff. ALSO, this fanfiction should not be taken too seriously...in other words...this is a humor fic! Don't flame me because you like Kuchiki Byakuya, and you find this offensive, because deep inside your hearts, you know all of this has SOME basis on the truth :P Love, sapphire123
When one starts bashing a character, the most logical thing to do is to start with a character that is so easy, so fun and so tempting to make fun of, the character has become number one on the character-that-must-be-bashed list for us fanfic writers who enjoy making fictional characters squirm with unease and insecurity. Yes, I am talking about the one…the only… Kuchiki Byakuya.
Yes, I admit that Kuchiki Byakuya has hot potential…that is if he gets stops radiating pure metrosexuality. Also, a new haircut, a hammer to smash his hair-noodles to pieces, and LOTS AND LOTS of testosterone pills wouldn't hurt. I mean, Byakuya radiates so much metrosexuality, he should be on Queer Eyes for the Straight Guy. I bet his first episode would be very YouTube-worthy; it'll probably be something like him chasing Renji around with a tattoo remover, with senbonzakura's shikai form floating ominously over his head, ready to cut Renji's hair so it no longer resembles a red pineapple…but that's another chapter.
By the way, have you guys seen that chapter with kiddy Byakuya?? His hair was long, silky, and in a high ponytail… I thought he was Yoruichi, for God's sake! Imagine my surprise when Byakushi turned around, and there he was, an Asian version Edward Elric! He looked so short, so pissed off, so BRATTY; he also had this feminine thing going on…This is the ultimate proof that Kuchiki Byakuya was girly from an early age, and has been more or less so ever since.
But there is more to Kuchiki Byakuya than his obvious metrosexuality. Actually, on the second thought, there aren't anything worth mentioning. Of course there are those ridiculous penne-noodles on his head, which he named Kenseikan. Kenseikan is such a ridiculous name, for if someone unfamiliar with the Japanese language says it, it sounds like "can say can". Add an "I" in front, and it becomes: I can say can. An idiotic name for a couple of Italian noodles, no? Good thing Byakuya never had kids, or they would suffer the same fate as Kenseikan…they'll probably have ridiculous names like…like…I can't even think of a name ridiculous enough to give you guys an idea of how bad a namer Byakuya is!! I'm telling you, being a bad namer is a title not very many people can earn, so Byakuya should be proud to be able to call himself a bad namer. It is a real hard-earned skill, probably developed over years and years of spending too much times with stuffy old elder Kuchikis.
Last, but not the least… Senbonzakura. Now, if I remember correctly, a shinigami's zanpakutou is the said shinigami's soul's reflection. Senbonzakura is basically neon pink sakura petals that float around giving people numerous petal-cuts. Therefore, it is perfectly arguable that deep inside Byakuya are a lot of NEON pink sakura petals…and I bet his zanpakutou's true body looks like Yumichika with Yachiru's hair! Now, imagine inner-Byakuya frolicking with sakura petals. Neon pink petals…the world neon is very important. Now, add Byakuya with a pink lollipop he stole from Yachiru, frolicking with said petals with a beautiful she-man called Yami-yachiru-chika. Now, add Ken-chan, just because he's awesome; but Ken-chan decided to let his long, brunette locks tumble free behind him instead of his usual spikes. Also, Ken-chan decided that Kyoraku's jacket-coat was awesome, and had one made just like it…except instead of baby pink, its light salmon color. Not pink, because that's so not manly, but salmon. Wow, it's a scary world inside Byakuya…Hope Renji doesn't hang out there; his hair will clash horribly.
So in conclusion, Kuchiki Byakuya, AKA Byakushi, is a girly metrosexual guy who likes naming his Italian-noodles-hair-accesories and whose soul is neon pink. Did I mention that he's like centuries old? So that means, instead of being a girly metrosexual guy, he's actually a girly metrosexual grandpa who looks like he's about twenty-some.