"Soul Dreams"
A story in two parts
by Bil!

Disclaimer: This Universe and all it contains are Paramount's. No money has been received for this, a work of fiction. Do not archive without permission.

Author's Notes: Yes, well. It's not intended to be J/C, though you're quite welcome to take it that way if you want. Doesn't affect me. Just don't ask me what the main title has to do with anything.

It's a bit weird and metaphysical, so I don't know how much sense it will make

Written in Season 5.

Part I: Soul Lost (Kathryn)

Home. How strange that word sounds now. All those years we spent among unknown stars, my entire being focused on this one goal. And I made it. I got my crew home, and then kept them out of jail. But now I don't think there is a me to come home. Somewhere on that journey I lost my soul.

And the worst thing is, I never even noticed. How could I have missed it? Such a terrible thing to lose, and I didn't even realise it had gone. One more thing to blame myself for.

When did I lose it? When I saved the Ocampa and condemned my crew? No, not until later. When I killed Tuvix to get Tuvok and Neelix back? Possibly. That was hard. When Kes left, when I bargained with the Borg, the devil himself? When the alien matrix tried to kill me? When?

I don't know when. I pushed Kathryn away one too many times, hid her away too often as I let the Captain take over for one emergency or other. And I lost her. I lost my Self, my soul.

And now there is a hollow place inside me that I didn't realise existed. Only now, when my biggest decision is whether to have pancakes or muffins for breakfast, do I realise that that bright soul that once dwelt inside of me has gone. Kathryn left, and all that remains is the Captain.

And to my surprise, I find I hate her. I hate this harsh unfeeling automaton I have become. Where is the scientist who stared up at the night sky with a dreamer's awe? Where is the woman who befriended dogs and Marquis rebels? Where is the soul who was my heart and my being? Where is the one who knew how to laugh?

Alone, at the end of another mindless, heartless day, I walk on the beach, on Earth, the planet I never thought to see again, and try to recapture the joy of a sunset. But there is no joy. Nothing. I am empty, heartless.

I fall to my knees on the damp sand and I weep. Where is Kathryn? Why did she leave me? What happened to me?

I have lost my soul, and I don't know how to get her back.

End Part One