Falling On My Knees
Hungry,
I come to you for I know you satisfy,
I am empty but I know your
love does not run dry.
He stood, shaking from head to toe as he looked at the child quivering in front of him, tears streaming down his angelic face. The boy could be no more than five years old. He couldn't do it; he knew he couldn't live wit himself.
"Run," he hissed, the boy's eyes doubling in size..
"I want Mummy," he wailed, backing farther into the corner.
"Listen to me," Severus whispered sternly, bending down and placing his free hand on the boy's shoulder.
"You have to run and don't look back. Understand?" he ordered.
The boy nodded meekly. Severus stepped back, allowing the boy to pass by him. As he had been instructed, the child began running as fast as his small legs would carry him away from the dark alley. Severus sighed and began to put his wand away. Just then a figure emerged.
"You let him get away," the cool voice stated.
"He's just a child. What harm can he do?" Severus responded.
"He is a muggle," the voice spat.
"Like I said, he's just a child," Severus repeated before beginning to walk away, his dark robes flowing about him in the late night breeze.
He was halted by the figure reappearing in front of him, obstructing his way. Severus removed his mask and sighed. He was tired and cold and just wanted to go home.
"The Dark Lord will hear of your weakness Severus," Lucius snickered from behind his mask.
"Just get out of my way," Severus hissed in return, pushing by the older man.
Without another word, Severus disapparated from the scene. He returned to the small flat that he was currently living in and tossed his cloak and mask in the front hall closet.
He walked into the kitchen and sat down at the small circular table and laid his head in his hands. He took several deep breathes, trying to calm his fried nerves. He'd been doing this for almost four years, mercilessly killing people because he was told it would give him power. He had believed that too, for a long time. But within the last few months something had started to feel wrong, very wrong. He had yet to figure out what it was that felt so immoral.
"What is happening to me?" he cried out to the empty air.
And so I wait for You so I wait for You
As he had done every night for the past few months he went to bed, hoping that something would reveal itself to him in his subconscious. That night something did indeed reveal itself to him. He had a nightmare. He was in a desert and the Dark Lord was chasing him, taunting him. He kept giving him orders, orders Severus did not want to follow. Not any more. He awoke in a cold sweat. He ran a shaking hand across his brow to move some of the hair out of his field of vision. His breathing was shallow and sporadic. Pushing the covers aside he made his way to the bathroom where he splashed cool water on his face. As he turned the faucet off a dull clanging caused him to look down. There, hanging from his neck was a silver cross. He swallowed several times as he brought his hands to the clasp. He undid the necklace, sliding it of and staring at it.
I'm falling on my knees
Offering all of
me
Jesus, You're all this heart is living for
Severus suddenly fell to his knees, slamming hard onto the ceramic tile floor. He began to sob, large tears pouring onto the shiny surface and soaking his shirt. It had finally hit him, what had felt so wrong all these months. He clutched the silver object to his chest, rocking back and forth as his sobs turned to loud, grievous moans.
"Oh God," he called, lifting his head upwards.
"What have I done?" he continued, convulsions wracking his body.
"Lord, I have neglected you," Severus moaned.
"I have become blind to your ways God. Please, help me," the young man begged of the cool early morning air.
He sat in silence for a while, finally having no more tears to cry. He had just admitted to himself what he had been denying for the last four years. He had lost his path with Jesus. Severus didn't know what he was supposed to do now. He needed to find God in his life again. He desperately needed to be redeemed. His mind was now racing, trying to figure out what in particular had triggered this realization. Then it hit him like a ton of bricks.
"The child," he murmured in disbelief.
He saw the child run in his mind's eye, subconsciously knowing that he had saved the boy's life. Surely that was one good thing he had done in his life. However, deep in his heart of hearts he knew it was a far cry from regaining his Lord's good graces. It would take an act of far greater magnitude to be washed of his sins. The young man pushed himself off of the cold floor of his bathroom and returned to his room. He carefully placed the silver chain on his bedside table and lowered himself to his knees on the side of his bed.
"Our Father, who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name," he began, his hands clasped and supporting his forehead.
"Thy kingdom come, thy Will be done, on Earth as it is in Heaven," he continued his voice shaking with emotion once more.
"And give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors. And lead us not into Temptation but deliver us from Evil," Severus was now fighting a fresh onslaught of tears.
"For Thine is the Kingdom and the Power and the Glory forever. Amen," he finished and looked up at the blank ceiling of his room, blinking several times.
He felt a sudden weight lifted from his shoulders. He climbed back into bed and pulled the blankets to his chin. He drifted back to sleep with a contented smile on his lips.
Broken, I run to You for Your arms are open wide
I
am weary, but I know Your touch restores my life
Several days past and Severus kept to himself, finding any spare moment to pray. He'd even taken to carrying a pocket version of the King James's Bible with him. Presently he was sitting in the foyer of Malfoy Manor, awaiting the meeting of Voldemort's closest followers to begin. He turned to the bookmark in his small tome, opening up to the beginning of Psalms. The young wizard had just begun reading when a loud murmur erupted from the others in the room. His ears perked up as to what they were all talking about.
"He's going after the Potters," Bellatrix LeStrange giggled excited to her sister, Narcissa.
"I know. I heard him Bella," the blond answered with an accompanying eye roll.
Severus's heart nearly leapt from his pale chest at the news. His mind raced back to his school days. He saw images of James and Sirius taunting him and embarrassing him. The former Slytherin bit his lip to hold back tears. He had been the one to hear the prophecy made about the Dark Lord. He had returned and informed Voldemort. Because of Severus, James and Lily were about to meet their demise without any warning. As silently and inconspicuously as possible, Severus exited the Manor began making his way towards the open field used for apparating. Without a backwards glance he disappeared into the brisk air.
And so I wait for You so I wait for You
He paced back and forth in his sitting room, trying to figure out what he could do. He knew he couldn't simply leave Voldemort's service. It had been attempted by Regulus Black and he had died at Voldemort's hands. Whatever action Severus took, it had to be without the Dark Lord finding out. Suddenly, his eye fell upon the gold stamped piece of parchment that hung on his wall; his graduation certificate.
"Dumbledore," he mumbled to himself in a moment of enlightenment.
Several minutes later, the 21-year-old wizard stood outside the front door of Albus Dumbledore's office door. He was sure that he had not been seen entering the building. He knocked softly, his gaze feverishly darting around to check the security of the perimeter. After what felt like an eternity, the door was pulled open about six inches, revealing the older man's white bearded face. Upon seeing Severus, Albus began to close the door.
"Please," Severus whispered, catching the door with his hand.
"I…I want to help you," he continued in a hushed tone.
"I do not believe you," Albus said, his voice oddly tired.
"I cannot let them die. Not without some warning to protect themselves," the younger man hissed, his onyx colored eyes flashing.
"Who is going to die?" Albus asked; his curiosity peaked.
Before Severus could respond, Albus opened the door and ushered him inside. Severus stepped over the threshold and looked about nervously, expecting it to be some sort of trap. He was relieved that they were alone, save the paintings of the former heads of the school.
"Now what are you talking about? Who is going to die?" Albus questioned again.
"The Potters. He's going to kill them," Severus replied urgently.
"Because of the prophecy," he added.
"As I recall you were—" Albus began, only to be cut off by the young Death Eater in front of him.
"Responsible for relaying the prophecy to him. I know that. I regret it now. I regret the last four years of my life," Severus answered heatedly.
"Please, sit down," Albus suggested, pointing to a large, plush chair.
Severus seated himself and gazed at the older man. He began to sweat as Albus paced back and forth in front of him.
"Why now do you regret your past Severus?" Albus queried.
"Just trust that I have alright," he shot back.
"How am I to trust you if you are not honest with me?" the Headmaster continued.
"I…I've lost my faith. I've lost my path with Jesus," Severus finally answered.
"I see. And you feel that warning the Potters against the knowledge that you gave Voldemort is going to help you find that faith again?" the blue-eyed man questioned, staring straight at Severus.
"Yes. I am trying to repair one of the greatest sins I have committed. I am finding my way back into His arms," Severus replied confidently.
"Thank you for this information Severus. I hope it does not bring you too much hardship," Albus stated, walking towards the door.
"Sir. I want to work for you…against the Dark Lord. A spy perhaps," the young Christian begged.
"You would be willing to risk your life in that manner?" Albus responded, shock evident in his aging features.
"Yes. I've spent the last several weeks in close communion with Christ and I feel it is what He wants me to do," Severus answered, finally rising.
"Very well then. Be careful," Albus said, placing a hand on the young man's shoulder.
"Oh and Severus," Albus called.
"Yes?"
"I believe this is yours," the Headmaster said, holding out a silver cross.
Severus took it, looking perplexed.
"Where did you get this?" he asked, clasping the chain around his neck.
"I'm afraid Aurors searched your flat. I don't know how much damage was done," Albus whispered apologetically.
"They were doing what their calling required. It's time I moved on anyways," Severus answered and gave Albus a handshake before departing.
He felt cleansed and whole again. As his body hit the cool, mid October air, he felt a gentle warmth surround him.
Jesus You're all this heart is living for