This is a one-shot I wrote a year ago. I never uploaded it, so here it is!
Disclaimer: I do not own ASOUE. I don't own Snicket either...that would be weird...
Duncan, Snicket and Subconciousness:
Duncan and Mr. Snicket were sitting in Mr. Snicket's dining room drinking tea with a plate of cookies siting between them.
Snicket: So, Duncan, how have you been, exactly?
Duncan: I've been okay, I guess. But all day I've been feeling like I've forgotten something...
Snicket: Ah, that has occurred to me at one time or another. You see our subconscious state of mind sometimes holds the power to overcome our conscious state of mind. We must learn balance and control. I once had a friend who's subconscious took over him so often, that he became a victim to his subconscious side.
Duncan: What happened to him?
Snicket: He lost all sanity possible and was arrested thinking he was a secret agent sent by the C.I.A. to uncover a secret conspiracy the president was hiding along with the Congress.
Duncan: Are we even in America?
Snicket: My dear boy, it is not where you are, it is who you are. To find who you are, you have to push away the large branches blocking your path to the sparkling waterfall of enlightenment.
Duncan:...Buddha?
Snicket: The teachings of Buddhism are just one lesson mashed along with the rest of the lessons in the Earthlike dimension we live in. Then time passes and the teacher bird reproduces into many teachings of many beliefs of many people of many dimensions that are present today.
Duncan:...I don't think that's how it went down...
Snicket: And, yet, scholars of the world try to find the knowledge they seek so they may rest knowing all they need to know in the world. Unfortunately, that is highly impossible.
Duncan: Are you sure scholars are like that? Klaus is a scholar and he's not like that.
Snicket: Klaus, along with his siblings and you and your siblings, is but a child and has already unconsciously reached the joy of the twinkles in the depths of the colors in the subconscious state of mind.
Duncan: But you told me sub consciousness was a bad thing.
Snicket: Evil and good are not enemies, but friends and cannot survive without each other in this world. If one were to disappear, everything mental, physical, unconsciousical and subconsciousical would disappear forever and nothing would exist. And, yet, it is impossible to think of absolutely nothing unless you have temporarily fallen under the wrath of your unconscious state of mind.
Duncan: But you said-...I'm going to drink my tea now...
Klaus randomly walks in, picks up a cookie, then leaves. Klaus walks back in, smacks Duncan on the head, and walks out of the room.
Duncan: I really wish he would stop hitting me in the head! He's been doing that all day!
Klaus (from a different room): Well it's not my fault it's Smack-Duncan-On-The-Head-Day!
Duncan: Shut up, Klaus!
Snicket: The section of your mind that seems to be present mentally would be your anger. It may seem that the only way to resolve your anger would be to hurt others. In some random cases, which aren't that random at all, truthfully speaking subconsciously, the only solution seems to be murder. This also tends to happen when you subconsciously cannot find a solution or a problem because your unconscious state of mind has taken over momentarily and has not had enough experience being conscious. When this particular thing happens, the conscious state of mind cannot become the conscious state of mind because the unconscious state of mind is to wild and out of control to freeze up and stop. Thus, the conscious state of mind falls down the black hole and becomes the unconscious state of mind and the unconscious state of mind becomes the conscious state of mind. If the new unconscious state of mind is to gather up enough power to climb out of the black hole and become the original conscious state of mind, it is too late. The damage is already done.
Duncan:...Basically, you want me to kill Klaus...unconsciously?
Klaus (from another room): He better not!
Snicket: Of course not, my dear boy! That would be the damage in this situation!
Duncan: There's a situation now?
Snicket: Through all the supernatural stunts of the wanting world that holds the key to the eternal gravitation that carries you down the river and down to the sharp rocks below, you are the hardest to teach!
Duncan: So, are you trying to teach me or nature?
Snicket: The fantasies that we dream while our eyes are open only hold darkness! To find who you are looking for, you have to ask yourself: Who am I and what do I want? To find the answers to your sort of nature, you must look in here!
Snicket places his finger where Duncan's heart should be. Technically where his heart is, since it's already there.
Duncan darts his eyes back and forth from Snicket's finger to Snicket's face.
Snicket pulls his finger away and drank more tea.
Duncan: How come you use so many metaphors?
Snicket: The questions of this world mean nothing without the answers. But questions are unneeded if you already have the answers you are looking for. They are all stored in your subconscious state of mind.
Duncan: You're scaring me, Mr. Snicket.
Snicket: Fear is but an invisible thing! Your conscious state of mind uses it to hide the fact that the exclamations hold the secrets to the room of horse-drawn carriages that drive you to your destiny!
Duncan looked down. He looked back up and frowned.
Duncan: I think that's how the dinosaurs died.
Snicket (smiling): You have finally used a metaphor correctly!
Duncan (mumbles): I was being serious...
Snicket: You now contain endless knowledge to the secrets and conspiracies of the world!
Duncan's face brightened.
Duncan: Hey, Klaus! I'm finally smarter than you!
Klaus: That's a lie!
Duncan: Oh yeah? Ask me anything!
Klaus: What's two plus two?
Duncan: BURRITO!
Klaus: WRONG! Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, WRONG!
Duncan: Nyah!
Klaus: That's not a word!
Duncan: Your words aren't words!
Klaus: Yes they are!
Duncan: Not subconsciously!
Klaus: Yes! They still are!
Duncan: Shut your unconscious mouth up!
Klaus: You are one sad, strange, little boy.
The next day visiting Snicket's house...
Klaus walks into the living room where Snicket and Duncan were sitting.
Duncan: Hey, Klaus! Wanna learn about your subconscious state of mind?
Klaus (shrugs): Okay.
Duncan: Take it away, Mr. Snicket!
Snicket: The fruit of the vine morphs into the apple of your soul that grants the subconscious mind of your heart a wish. Thus, you become two spirits joined into one pen that frequently writes down the secrets to the story about mysteries of your subconscious mind. When your unconscious mind becomes the plot of the story, it is to take great power to never be solved. That, my boy, is why Mount Everest takes months to climb. That is why the ocean covers up most of the Earth. And that is why your pen writes down the mysteries of your subconscious mind.
Klaus stood up and grabbed a cookie.
Klaus: Later, Mr. Snicket.
That was horribly confusing. And I'm the one who wrote it! Let me just say that I had no idea what I was typing when I did this. I just came up with random stuff and jumbled it all up together!
If I gave you all just a slight headache… I succeeded! :D
Anyways, review!
;)