Solaris

Disclaimer: They're not mine, and never will be.

A/N: This is the first Voyager fic of mine that I'm publishing…and I'm kind of nervous! Until this, all of my work has been for the X Files section. I don't really have any loyal readers or anything going for me when I write for other shows…but hopefully everyone will enjoy this story! It's definitely AU, and takes place sometime right before they get Seven of Nine. Sorry Seven fans, she's not in here!

Chapter 1: Hard Knocks

Voyager's bridge rocked violently as yet another volley from an enemy ship assaulted their hull. The lights flickered dimly for a split second before backup power corrected it.

"That was close," Chakotay remarked, picking himself up from the deck.

"Too close," Janeway grumbled.

"Casualties are coming in from decks four and five; we took some exterior hull damage in that last attack when the shields went…"

Janeway paled at the realization that if this continued, her ship and her crew would be destroyed.

"What are our options?" She asked grimly.

"Well, we could stay and fight, but we're running out of torpedoes, and we're badly matched to begin with," Tom informed his captain. This didn't seem to satisfy her so he continued. "Or we could jumping to warp…we might get lucky and they'll just call it quits."

"Do we have the ability to make a clean jump with little damage? I hate to turn tail and run, but it beats obliteration by a long shot," Janeway swallowed tightly, knowing that if they stayed it would be suicide. Their only feasible option was to run.

Tom nodded. "We can out run them. They have size on their side in terms of power, but we have it on ours in terms of speed."

Voyager fired the last of their photon torpedoes and amidst the chaos made the jump to warp.

"Tom, take us somewhere where we can hide awhile. Are we being pursued?"

Tuvok reported back to her. "Negative, it appears that we were not worth the effort."

Janeway raised an eyebrow to him. They'd been nearly destroyed by an enemy vessel. Again. They were worth the trouble of attacking, but not pursuing. It was just as well, since they were on the losing side of things.

The captain took a look at her bridge. Everything was a mess, and everyone had a look of extreme fatigue about them.

"Get repairs underway, and report to me in three hours. Try and find a planet or a cluster for us to hide in, in case they do find us. I want us out of sight and out of mind, and I want repairs, casualties, and anything else that needs to be brought to my attention."

"Yes ma'am," several crewmen assured.

Janeway stalked into her ready room, and all but collapsed. "Coffee….black," she demanded of the replicator. Amazingly it responded. With so many of the ship's functions offline, she was surprised that it was working. Surprised and very, very grateful.

The battle…but she couldn't think about it. She was mentally and physically exhausted. She'd been pushing herself too hard lately. Chakotay and Tuvok had both expressed their concerns and the doctor threatened to mandate some rest for her.

Hopefully Tom would find a nice uninhabited M-class planet to hide out on while repairs were completed, and she could find time then to get some much needed sleep. Fresh air would be good for the crewmen too.

For her it wasn't just a problem of insomnia. The stress and burden of command were getting to Voyager's captain. She was suffering headaches, back pain, and other stress induced problems. She didn't eat right, didn't sleep right, and was tortured by images of her ship being destroyed or more of the crew dying. All of that blood would fall on her hands, and that thought was eating her away.

She was so caught up with visions of her crew's blood falling that she barely noticed her own. She'd gotten a nasty gash in her forehead, and the warm blood had been trickling down the side of her face for some time. It pooled on her desk; a sickeningly dark red.

Janeway looked at it, unaffected by the sight. She would have her coffee first, then sickbay.

The door chimed, and Kathryn almost ignored it. She couldn't ignore it. It could be important.

A small fear at the bottom of her stomach yelled out in fear that they were being pursued. More enemies to overcome, and no means to do so. It was her greatest fear; one that she lived with day and night.

It was not bad news of any form; rather it was her first officer. Still she groaned internally. It was either going to be a lecture on self care or just a friendly concern about her mental state. Considering the amount of blood in front of her, she assumed the former.

"Sorry to bother you," Chakotay began. "I know you need your down time more than any of us, but you seemed really bothered during the fight."

Janeway sighed, her response sounding more angry than she intended. "Of course I was 'bothered,' Chakotay, we were almost destroyed." She frowned, as she watched his expression change.

"I realize that. In that way we were all concerned…it's just that…" he trailed off. "I don't know how to explain it…I just feel concern for you."

"Well I appreciate it, but I'm fine," she told him, continuing her lies to him and to herself.

"Well, you certainly don't look fine. That gash looks pretty serious. You should be in sickbay, not drinking coffee."

There it was, she mused. It had taken him what? Less than a minute. She sipped her coffee and let the taste filter through her. The simple gesture improved her health so much more than a hypospray ever could.

"You know that the captain takes coffee above all else." She smiled, but realized he was not amused. "Honestly, I'm fine. I'll go to sickbay right after this."

"I don't think you are fine," He paused, thinking about his words. "When we first started, there was this spark in your eyes. It was almost an attitude. No matter how down we were, that spark was there and you saw us through, knowing that we'd be okay. It reassured the rest of us in the early days, when we doubted our abilities. Nowadays, I think that it's gone."

She stared at him, not sure what to say. He continued.

"Today, when we were in that fight, I saw fear in my captain's eyes for the first time. I was actually afraid we'd lose…"

"So it's my fault you were afraid?" Janeway scoffed. "Because I can't be one-hundred percent positive all the time?"

"No," Chakotay replied calmly. "Nobody expects you to be strong all of the time. We're all here for you…but you push yourself too hard, and I think you've run yourself down past the point of breaking."

Janeway stared at him, shell-shocked at the words coming from his mouth. They were so painful because they rang so true. She was tired. The spark, the naivety that existed in her at the beginning of their mission was all but gone. It had been beaten out of her in a hundred phaser fights and lost amongst dozens of casualties.

Stumbling, Janeway sat down at the only couch in the room. She had realized all of this, but denied it to herself. All of her stress….she was afraid. Deeply afraid of the burden she carried. What if she let all of her crew down? She already had…so many had been lost. They were lost, in in the literal sense, and she was powerless to see them home. If they continued, they would be destroyed.

Chakotay, concerned, moved toward the couch and sat down next to you.

"Are you okay, Kathryn?" He asked gently. "I didn't mean to upset you…"

"No, Chakotay. I'm not okay at all…" she told him. He place an arm around her, protectively. "I've let everyone down…"

"That's nonsense," he told her placing his other hand over hers.

"No. We're lost and helpless, and I can't seem to do anything to fix either of those problems. If we continue like this, we will run into an enemy who can beat us. They will, and we'll be just a glimmer of a memory in Starfleet history."

Chakotay paused. "I've thought about that too…" he confessed. "At the beginning, we knew we were up against a lot…but after the battles we've been through, it's hard to remain so optimistic."

Janeway nodded. "I can't do it anymore. We can't do it…"

"Yes we can," Chakotay assured her. "But you can't carry all of this by yourself. You need to take care of yourself, Kathryn. I didn't mean to…I just want you to get some medical treatment and a proper meal. Sleep if you can; you'll feel better."

Kathryn nodded.

"I'm going to escort you to sickbay, to make sure you go. You can finish your coffee on the way."

Janeway smiled. Chakotay had a way of being a pain, but never actually letting on that he was being a nag. He cared so genuinely about her. She'd never imagined that the former Maquis had it in him. Certainly not when she first met him…those days seemed so far behind them.

The pair stood up and headed through the corridors. Janeway stiffened at every bit of damage she saw. There were crewmen with slews of injuries, still working to repair the basic functions of the ship. That was why she pushed herself; because everyone pushed themselves.

Her crew was truly amazing, and Janeway saw that the only reason she ever had hope in the Delta Quadrant was because of them. Ironically, they drew their strength from her.

Janeway sat on a bio-bed and let the Doctor heal and lecture her. She didn't take care of herself, she was malnourished, she was running herself into the ground. It drifted in one ear and out of the other.

Chakotay stood in the doorway, waiting for her. She assumed that he'd be overseeing her meal plans as well.

"That should about do it, Captain. Please, try to get some food and sleep. You're heading for a premature death if you continue this way."

"I appreciate your bluntness," Janeway grumbled, standing.

Chakotay smiled. "Don't worry, Doctor, I'll see that she gets a proper meal tonight."

Janeway sighed and asked sardonically, "Will you also be tucking me in tonight?"

Not missing a beat, Chakotay smirked. "Of course. How else can I be sure that you'll actually get any sleep?"

As they left sickbay Janeway looked at her first officer. "You don't trust me as far as you can throw me. But you should know that tucking me in doesn't guarantee that I'll sleep."

They headed for the mess hall, but were interrupted by a voice over the com.

"All hands, ready for landing."

Janeway turned to Chakotay in surprise. "They found somewhere for us to land?"

"I guess so," Chakotay answered, remaining uninterested.

The captain, however, was already eyeing up the turbo lift. "I need to get to the bridge…"

"Kathryn," Chakotay tried, but it was in vain. He ran to catch up to her.

When she reached the bridge Voyager was already making her descent through the fluffy white clouds of a beautiful M-Class planet.

"How in the universe did you manage to find this one?" She asked, amazed at the sight.

"We just took a look around and there she was," Tom said proudly. "Prime for the taking."

"There aren't any life forms down there?" Janeway asked, afraid that they might be disturbing a culture of some sort.

"Nope, the most we found were a few primates."

Chakotay exchanged a glance with his captain. She had not forgotten their adventures on New Earth. That too had not taken place so long ago, but it felt as though eons had gone by since her time down there.

Though Kathryn had spent most of that time stressing about how to cure their disease and get back on course, it had been a pleasant time. It was nice to live in peace on a planet. The storms weren't so frequent that they were a bother. There was something so wonderfully…simple about the whole thing.

At first all they could do was send a few away teams to check out and secure the area around Voyager. When they came back with positive results, Captain Janeway announced to the crew that they were welcome to leave the ship and get some much needed fresh air, or to explore in groups.

"You know," Chakotay began. "You should take a walk too. It would be good for you and maybe help relieve some of the stress you've been under."

"I don't have time for a walk, Commander, there's too much to be done," She collected several padds from her desk and took a last sip of coffee.

"Voyager can survive for an hour without you. We're on a safe planet and no one followed us," he coaxed. "Kathryn, please."

She sighed, as though he were asking something immensely unpleasant of her. Why was it that when he asked it seemed so much more important than when others did? "Alright, but for one hour. Then I'm coming back to do some work."

Chakotay gave her his patented smile. "I'll get you back on time."

When Janeway descended to the planet below, she inhaled the deep perfume of fresh grass and flowers, and that of clean air. The breeze was soft and gentle; a perfect temperate climate with plenty of foliage. She and Chakotay made their way through the trees, admiring the exotic flowers that more than likely existed only on this particular planet.

The planet itself brought back many memories for Janeway. She was sure that Chakotay was experiencing the same déjà vu, and looked to him, hoping he would say something to break the silence they'd fallen into.

Passing a stream, Janeway recalled the river they'd had on New Earth. Before the crew rescued them, she and her first officer were planning a river boating trip. They'd never gotten the chance to take it.

She remembered her garden as well. She missed the tomatoes and other plants…in fact, she missed gardening itself.

Chakotay smiled as he watched her, lost in her thoughts. He too was remembering their time on New Earth, and all of the memories they'd created. Before that experience, they hadn't known each other quite as well. It really brought them together. He wondered how much closer they'd be by now if they had remained on the planet; cut off from humanity and Starfleet regulations.

"We should head back soon," Kathryn announced softly. "I still have work to do."

Chakotay nodded, and they turned to go back the way they came. "This planet is beautiful, isn't it?"

She nodded, still analyzing the thoughts that kept running through her head. This place held more than beauty.

"It feels…homey," Chakotay added, as though he could see into her thoughts.

Kathryn said nothing, afraid of where the conversation was going. They both wondered what would have happened had they stayed on New Earth. They'd made it a home; their home and no one else's. Then suddenly, it had all been taken from them. She assumed that it was best for them to be back on Voyager, but the what-ifs persisted.

Back on Voyager she buried herself in her work, trying to push those thoughts from her brain. They were not on New Earth. This was a new planet, thousands of light years away from it, and they were not alone. She tried to put Chakotay himself out of her mind. It would do her no good to think about their time together or where it may have lead. The fact was, they were on Voyager as captain and first officer, and whether or not they wanted parameters, they existed.