oh look, rii finally updated her series. wow, what took you so long. me: uhhhhhhhh, i... was busy with other... things? (youtube) (games) (procrastination in general)
also here's a fun feeling: it takes me one or two months to write ⅓ of the fic. it takes me like one or two days to write the rest.
also apparently periods and commas go before quotations regardless if it's not dialogue or etc. iunno if this looks too weird cuz if it does, i'll probably stop doing it (rules be damned amirite) but if it looks natural enough/doesn't interrupt or disturb your flow of reading, i'll prob keep with it.
It's something late-o-clock when Takumi awakens to the noise of loud beeping and someone's exclamation of 'shit.'
It isn't really an exclamation though. Not as if someone had dropped a bowl of hot soup on themselves. More like the sort that you'd use when the realization that you fucked up dawns.
Reluctantly, Takumi lifts his leg up to catch the sheets and drag them off him. Immediately, he regrets it as the cool air settles on his skin—because oh yeah, the fan is still running after Leo complained last night that Takumi's room was too hot (whatever that means). For a moment, he wants to pull back the sheets and soak up the warmth of his duvet and the four extra blankets he stole from his parents' and siblings' rooms (because someone insisted his room was 'too hot' and turned the fan on, he ended up needing extra blankets to keep himself from freezing to death). That is until Takumi realizes the spot next to him feels oddly empty. He fumbles for the desk lamp switch. When he finally turns it on, the lamp illuminates that a certain someone is missing.
...apparently that someone is wandering around his house at—he glances at the clock—2:00 AM for god knows what reason.
Takumi sighs. Any ideas of ignoring whoever is making a ruckus and just rolling back to sleep are thoroughly crushed because why in the world is Leo up? He mutters curses under his breath—he wants his sleep, dammit.
Somehow he manages to entirely drag himself out of bed—not just halfway and sprawled out like a fish as he tries to turn his lamp on—and make his way to the kitchen. The lights are on, and Leo is there. He's sitting at the table with his laptop open and a cup of—chamomile tea?—at his side. Is Leo having difficulty sleeping? Or does he just like the taste of chamomile tea? (If so, he has awful tastes, Takumi thinks.)
He clears his throat, "Leo."
"Takumi... I was afraid I had awoken you. Hopefully, I didn't wake your family up too," Leo mumbles. He turns his head slightly and gives Takumi a sheepish smile.
"If you're so concerned about waking up my family, you wouldn't be up making noise in the first place," Takumi grumbles.
He suddenly fixes Leo with a questioning stare.
"Why are you even up this late?" he asks.
"Schoolwork," Leo replies automatically.
It is his usual excuse whenever anyone questions why he is up so late. Usually, Takumi would be unable to argue against it because fair, school is important to Leo, but—
"Leo, we literally just had our graduation ceremony yesterday night. You really expect me to believe you're working on 'schoolwork'?"
Leo winces, a guilty expression on his face.
Meekly, he says, "I was hoping you would forget—"
Forget that he's finally free from his insufferable math teacher? Right, Leo. Definitely, something he could just 'forget.'
"—but, if you must know, I'm researching. Colleges."
Takumi snorts. College. Leo is thinking about college? Don't get him wrong—they've graduated high school and thinking about college is nothing short of necessary for a budding lawyer like Leo. Even so, Leo has been planning for it since even before high school! Takumi can hardly believe that Leo hasn't already made up his mind. As if the ever prepared, always studious Leo would wait until he's finally graduated before deciding.
"Somehow I have difficulty believing you haven't already figured that out. I wouldn't be surprised if you have your whole life already planned out as well," he expresses his thoughts with a disbelieving tone.
"I know this might come as a shock to you, but I don't have everything plotted out. It only seems that way because you never plan anything out in comparison," Leo snaps.
"I wasn't saying that you have everything planned out, just that you—" he recalls other people are sleeping, so he lowers his voice, "—well, you're always talking about school this and school that. With how much you blather on about it, it's only natural for somebody to assume you got it all figured out."
"Well they'd be wrong," Leo says, shooting him a nasty glare.
Takumi opens his mouth to spit back a vindictive reply but—
"Takumi? Leo? Why are you two up so late?"
He glances to the side. Hinoka is leaning against the wall in what, she insisted a few hours prior, was not the same wrinkled t-shirt she wore three days ago. She looks half asleep, her eyelids hanging over the upper half of her eyes. They must have woken her up, Takumi realizes guiltily.
He's about to assure Hinoka that everything is alright and they were just about to go to sleep, but Leo beats him to it.
"We were just about to head back to bed. We just—got caught up in our discussion over which philosophers' ideas have more merit," Leo explains.
Takumi quickly asserts his testimony, "Yeah! Leo was being stupid about—"
He doesn't get far, however, as Leo kicks him in the shin. A clear message of shut up before you ruin everything (and he suddenly has the chaotic urge to tell Hinoka the truth behind her guinea pigs' ill fates). She must have noticed Leo kicking him—or maybe it's his poorly concealed yelp of surprise—because she has a suspicious look on her face that reads 'what the hell are these weirdos keeping from me?' Funny story—he isn't sure himself. Compared to their past hijinks, staying up late researching colleges is tame. He doesn't know why Leo decided to lie about something so minor—and frankly, it's suspicious.
Hinoka takes a step forward, glancing at Leo's still open computer. From her angle, she shouldn't see the screen content, but Takumi moves to quickly block her before she goes any further.
"Anyway, sorry we woke you up—" he closes Leo's laptop and continues, "—but I think it's about time we head off to bed."
"Yes," Leo agrees sharply, "it's time we head back to bed."
He stands up suddenly, takes his laptop under one arm and his chamomile tea in the other hand, and stiffly leaves the kitchen with a thin smile. Takumi watches his boyfriend (the term still lingers uncomfortably on his throat—it's just an additional syllable, but it transforms an innocent little word into an awkward feelings monster) leave. He's hesitant to follow. Hinoka is still staring at him and the guilt of lying to her, even if Leo clearly prefers the lie to the truth, freezes him. Nevermind the suspicion growing in her eyes when he doesn't follow Leo.
"Well, little brother? Not going back to bed?" she asks pointedly. He winces because her tone makes it clear she knows they're hiding something and she's not happy about it. It's enough to break his resolve (not that he had much of one, to begin with).
"I lied. We weren't arguing about philosophy or anything. Leo was doing some research," he admits.
"It's bothering you," she notes.
"Yeah..."
Takumi turns his head to the empty chair Leo occupied only a few moments before. He scrunches his face. Maybe he's underestimated Leo's dedication to remaining 'perfect' and 'prepared' in the eyes of others. He can't quite believe Leo is that sort of person, however. Leo is mature. He doesn't linger in the same loathful doubt about his skills that Takumi always seems to drown himself in. Leo has confidence that Takumi can only dream to one day possess.
His sister doesn't let him indulge in his low self-esteem and interrupts his negative thoughts.
"Maybe you should ask him about it?" she suggests.
Takumi sighs.
"It's not that simple," he grumbles.
Hinoka crosses her arms and asks, "Why not?"
Takumi bites his lip because of course, he has his reasons: like Leo's aversion to the subject or the fact he doesn't know how to discuss it without annoying Leo—but they all sound like excuses when he articulates them in his mind.
"Good communication is key to a healthy relationship," Hinoka responds to his silence, "and I don't know what it is that's bothering you, but I don't think you should just keep it all to yourself. It'll eat you alive."
And his sister is right—it will eat him alive. But he's still incredibly reluctant; he doesn't want to confront Leo. Searching colleges—it seems so minor, but that's why it bothers him so much—why he would rather not ask Leo about it: he's scared of what he'll find. It's his imagination on overdrive, he's sure of it. Seriously, what sort of dark secrets would Leo's search history of colleges reveal? (Assuming Leo is not lying his ass off and was actually looking up colleges.)
On the other hand, he can't help but fear that what he'll find will confirm Takumi's most unsettling fears—that Leo wants to leave him. Who knows, maybe Leo is looking for a college that can get him far away from Takumi. Or hell, maybe he's just using it as an excuse to cover the fact he's talking up a pretty girl on something like Skype who is actually worth Leo's attention.
He must have been frowning because Hinoka interrupts his thoughts (again—it's almost as if she knows when Takumi is thinking negatively) to comment on how he looks "better smiling so don't be so morose."
"Right," he mumbles.
"Well, I'm tired since you two woke me up with your little—whatever it was; so I'll be heading back to bed. You should too," Hinoka says.
She stretches her arms, yawns, and then leaves.
Takumi lingers for a moment longer before his legs automatically carry him back to his room. He's tired, and surely Leo has fallen asleep by now.
When he cracks the door open, he notes that Leo turned the lamp off. His eyes take a few moments to adjust to the darkness, but he eventually makes out the form of Leo, who is sleeping on top of all the blankets (because of course, he is). Slowly, he tiptoes across the room, not wanting to disturb Leo if he's already asleep.
No, no he isn't already asleep, Takumi immediately discovers when he buries himself under his fluffy blankets because the fans are still overkill, goddammit, Leo—you and your 'it's way too fucking hot; turn on all the fans in the house.'
"Took you long enough. Did you have a nice, enlightening conversation with your sister?" Leo says in a voice suspiciously clear of drowsiness and seeping with vitriol.
"I did. Speaking of which," he peaks from out the covers and faces Leo, "why'd you lie to Hinoka?"
"Because your response left a bad taste in my mouth," Leo replies sharply.
Takumi laughs harshly and retorts, "You're petty, as you've just demonstrated, but you're not that petty—" It's Takumi who is that petty after all. Not Leo—never Leo, who has always been the responsible one between them. "—so why'd you lie?"
He can make out Leo's face—it is scowling. Upset. Suddenly, Leo turns his back to Takumi. Well never-fucking-mind about Leo's so-called responsibility. Takumi grits his teeth because fucking hell, Leo— how immature can you be?
"Leo! Oh, come on!"
He can hear the rustling of the bed sheet—and he can feel it move as Leo clenches it tightly.
"I think it's time to go to bed." He tries to hide the venom—tries to pretend he's the mature one —but Takumi can hear the anger in Leo's tone. It maddens him. He scrambles to sit up.
"Well, I think it's time you stop acting like a child and answer my fucking questions!"
Bitterly, Leo retorts, "You're the pot calling the kettle black. Anyway, why should I, especially considering the way you're acting?"
"The way I'm acting? What about the way you're acting, huh? Why did you lie?"
"Why do you care?"
"It's suspicious! Why would you lie about something so minor!?"
"Something so minor...?" Leo's attitude suddenly shifts to rage, his knuckles turning impossibly white as he tightens his grip around the sheets, "Goddammit, Takumi. You—something so 'minor'?! Stop running your mouth about things you don't know anything about! Just go to fucking sleep!"
The whiplash stops the angry retort Takumi has in his throat.
It renders him silent.
He shouldn't have insisted.
He shouldn't have shoved.
He should have been more mindful.
Nobody has an endless well of patience.
He crossed a line he shouldn't have.
With a shaky wimper, he tries to salvage something, "Leo, I—"
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have snapped at you. I just—don't want to talk about," Leo says, his words running together.
"—m scared that you want to leave me. That's why I care." Takumi finishes with a trembling mess of words mixed in Leo's final notes.
An awkward beat, then Leo rolls to face Takumi with a shocked look on his face and—
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It's my fault for pushing and—" Takumi begins, tripping on his words as usual.
"Wait, what? Takumi—"
"—I'll just shut up now andwhuhuh?"
Leo suddenly grabs him by his shoulders and did he really have to dump his weight on him, Takumi thinks as he's pushed flat on his back by his amazing, talented, smart, reliable, kind, also dorky, don't forget dorky, and more adjectives that Takumi will probably never fully articulate because he's never been good at speaking about his feelings boyfriend.
"Takumi."
"Y-yeah?"
"Takumi."
"What?"
"Oh, Takumi."
And suddenly Leo is laughing. Takumi's jaw gapes at the sight of his usually serious boyfriend chortling. (And what the heck is with all these dramatic mood swings, anyway!?)
"L-Leo? You okay there?" he asks, mildly disturbed by Leo's sudden laughing fit.
"Takumi, Takumi, Takumi," Leo repeats with an affectionate smile. He shakes his head and makes a 'tch' noise.
Why does Takumi feel like he's getting 'scolded' like an ignorant little kid who did something incredibly stupid and incredibly silly?
As if to add insult to injury, (but not really since Takumi doesn't mind it terribly—he's just exceptionally confused) Leo leaves a child-like kiss on his forehead and wipes away the tears Takumi didn't even notice rolling on his cheeks.
"I suppose I should have foreseen you would think way too deeply about it. But then again," his demeanor suddenly changes to forlorn warmth and cheerful deprecation, "I suppose I ended up doing the same."
Um, did what the same? Maybe it would help if you weren't so damn vague about everything?!
He sighs in relief as Leo finally gets his fat ass off him. It doesn't go unnoticed by Leo who teasingly says, "You know, if you were so uncomfortable you should have said something. I'm your boyfriend, but I'm not a psychic."
"...Are you changing the subject?"
"I think you're the one changing the subject because you're embarrassed."
That spiteful shell of a man called Niles is a terrible influence, Takumi decides, fixing Leo with a look.
"..."
He relents under Takumi's unimpressed stare.
"Yes, a tad. Truth be told," he looks away, but not before Takumi sees his reluctant expression, "it wasn't my idea to become a lawyer. I don't want to go to law school. Besides, the only reason my father is pushing me to go to law school is because he wants to have a reliable lawyer tied to him, not money. I'd much rather get a philosophy degree and wax on the existential problem with a cup of coffee or tea in my hand."
Takumi snickers at the image of Leo waxing 'on the existential problem with a cup of coffee or tea.'
"Well, does that clear things up?" Leo inquires.
Takumi nods. Yeah, it does, but—
"Hey, Leo, I'm your boyfriend—" the word is still heavy as ever in his tongue, but it fills him with a confusing feeling of happy embarrassment, "—not a psychic. If—if you trust me, don't be afraid to talk to me."
"Of course."
"I'm serious."
"...Alright. Now go to sleep."
Takumi closes his eyes, definitely ready to sleep. But... even though he can't find anything else to say, he feels as though the air hasn't completely cleared up—as though they've forgotten about something. He doesn't feel satisfied, and it nags at him. 'Sleep, sleep, sleep,' but also, 'I know I'm missing something, what is it,' runs through his mind.
"Hey, Leo—" he says mindlessly.
"Takumi."
He turns his head to Leo, who is staring at him with an unreadable look. It disquiets him, and he averts his eyes.
"Yeah?"
"I love you."
"Um, wha—"
"It's alright. I don't need to hear it today. I just wanted to tell you so that you know I wouldn't ever leave you."
"Of course," he mumbles and laughs nervously because what the hell, who just drops that sort of thing on someone and then tells them they 'don't need to hear it today'? (Leo, apparently.) That's too much pressure for him to bear.
"I really won't leave you," Leo repeats, likely mistaking Takumi's uncomfortable laughter for the 'I wouldn't ever leave you' bit rather than the more blatant 'I love you' bit. (Takumi has already accepted long ago the fact that Leo is excruciatingly oblivious to basic social logic, but it doesn't make it any less astonishing to him.)
"I know, don't worry," he says. Simultaneously, however, he can't quite stamp down the doubt he feels.
Leo has a knowing look in his eyes when he says, "I seriously won't leave you, Takumi. I promise."
Maybe Leo's not nearly as oblivious as Takumi thought.
"You shouldn't promise things you aren't one-hundred percent certain about."
"I'm one-hundred percent certain I won't leave you."
"And if you break your promise?"
"I won't. But if I do, you're welcome to yell at me, or hit me, or do whatever you think I deserve for breaking my promise."
"I'll hold you to that. Also, um..."
"Yeah?"
"I—I think I love you too."
"You really shouldn't say things you're not one-hundred percent certain about."
"Goddammit, Leo, just go to fucking sleep."
fin.
ugh i'm so tired writing this fic is so emotionally draining asdfghjkl fck beta-ing im way too tired.
obv not a true drabble (100 words and shit). this fic has shot a gun through both my mental energy and physical energy because hahaha what's sleep and taking breaks from emotionally draining shot fests amirite and honestly who the heck cares about short n sweet fics NOT ME HAHAHA JUST IGNORE THE DESCRIPTION OF THIS ENTIRE SERIES HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
take this as a lesson kiddiesss: get sleep and take regular breaks from writing. your sanity will thank you, as well as your mind and brain. wait i meant mind and body asdfghjkl see what i mean
anywayy, my annual fic for the beginning of 2019. here. imma head back to my lair of procrastination now. seeya in 2020 hahahahaha
p.s. jubyphonic is literally the best like i've never met her personally but i've just been listening to her covers nonstop and they're literally the only things that have been keeping me going today so thank you world for the existence of juby and her beautiful voice \;w;/