CHARMED
"THE REPO MAN"
by J. B. Tilton
email: aramath@isot.com
Rating: G
Disclaimer: "Charmed" and all related characters and events are
the property of the WB television network, except for those characters
specifically created for this story. This is a work of fan fiction
and no infringement of copyright is intended.
* * *
The Book of Shadows is repossessed.
* * *
Paige finished breakfast and headed for the attic. She was
eager to get back to her studies of the Craft. Since she had quit her
job to devote herself fulltime to her studies, she had made amazing
progress.
She was especially eager today. Lately, she had been
researching a general protection spell. If she could perfect that, it
would go a long way in the sisters' fight against evil.
She walked into the attic and looked around. Everything seemed
to be in place. There had been little demonic activity of late.
Apparently news that Piper was virtually invincible had spread among
the underworld denizens. No sense in fighting someone who couldn't be
defeated.
Paige took several steps into the attic and then stopped cold.
The podium where the Book of Shadows was usually kept was empty. The
Book of Shadows was nowhere to be seen.
* * *
"What do you mean gone?" asked Piper. "How could the Book of
Shadows be gone?"
"I don't know," said Paige. "I searched the entire attic. It's
just not there. All that was up there was this."
She held out a piece of paper for her sisters and Leo to see.
It was covered in strange characters. Something that looked like a
logo could be seen in the upper right corner.
"I know that," said Phoebe. "I saw some of it when I was in the
underworld. It's some sort of demonic writing."
"It's called generic demonese," said Leo. "It's a special form
of writing that's used by . . . certain demons."
"You can read this?" asked Paige.
"Well, yeah," said Leo. "All White Lighters can."
"What sort of demons?" asked Piper.
"Piper, just stay calm," said Leo. "It's not good to get
yourself all worked up like this."
"What sort of demons?" Piper demanded again, more forcefully.
"Well," said Leo, looking at the sisters very nervously, "to be
perfectly honest, it's used mostly by bureaucracy demons."
"Not again," cried Piper. "Will we ever be free of those
things?"
"Leo, what does it say?" asked Phoebe.
"Let's see," said Leo, looking at the paper. "It appears to be
from the Other World Credit and Collection Agency. According to this,
the Book of Shadows has been repossessed."
"Repossessed?" questioned Paige. "What do you mean
repossessed?"
"This says that the required payments and standard taxes haven't
been received on the book," said Leo. "There's an address here for
complaints and conflict resolutions."
"Okay, fine," said Piper. "We're supposed to be exempt from
taxes, right? Leo, get your White Lighter credentials and the
paperwork we got from the IRS. Paige, you get your paperwork, too.
The ones you got at your hearing. Let's just go get this cleared up
before I start blowing up demons just for general nuisance."
* * *
Leo and the sisters sat in a small dingy office for what seemed
like an eternity. Behind the desk sat a red demon with horns, a tail,
and black eyes. It wore a T-shirt that looked as if it had never been
cleaned. As it filed through papers, it puffed on a half burned
cigar.
"Okay, next," said the demon finally, with an accent more than
reminiscent of a Brooklyn accent. "What can I do you for?"
"I want the Book of Shadows back," snapped Piper. "We've been
down here for hours and they keep shuffling us from one office to
another. They told us you're the one who actually took it. I want it
back now."
"Book of Shadows, Book of Shadows," muttered the demon as he
shuffled through a stack of papers. "Oh, yeah, here it is. Yeah, it
was repoed dis mornin'."
"Repoed?" questioned Piper. "What do you mean repoed? You had
no right to take it. That book belongs to us."
"Read da paperwork, lady," said the demon. "Youse ain't paid
none a da taxes due on it. So we repoed it. Standard procedure."
"Look," said Leo, "I'm a White Lighter. Here are my credentials
and a statement from the IRS. They told us we were exempt from any
taxes because our home is my embassy on the mortal plane."
"Yeah," said the demon, "youse exempt from income tax. Check
the statute, fella. It don't exempt youse from property taxes or
inheritance taxes. That's why we repoed the book, understand?"
"What?" demanded Piper. "What property taxes?"
"Dis book," said the demon, "it's your property, right?"
"Yes, it is," said Piper.
"Der ya go," said the demon, "property taxes. It's like yer
house. Youse might own it, but youse still gotta pay taxes on it,
right? Same ting wid da book. And youse must have got da book from
someone when they passed over. Ergo, inheritance tax."
"I don't believe this," said Piper.
'Listen, lady," said the demon, "I don't make da rules. I just
do what they tell me to do. We got a order to repo the book so we
repoed the book. Case closed."
"You broke into our house and stole it," protested Phoebe.
"Hey, look missy," said the demon, "my guys don't do nothun'
illegal. Dey does tings by da book. Da law gives 'em the right to go
into someone's residence to retrieve property. And let me tell ya, if
Guido, who did the repo on dis book, went into yer house he had every
right to."
"Guido?" questioned Paige. "You have a demon names Guido?"
"Whatcha tink?" asked the demon. "Youse tink we all got them
fancy names Like Malevant or Beelzbor or like dat? We's just working
stiffs like everyone else. Bottom line is ya had da book for sometin'
like five years. Ya ain't paid no taxes on it in all dat time. We
got an order to repo, so we did. My hands are tied."
"What do we have to do to get the book back?" asked Leo.
"Pay da outstanding taxes," said the demon. "Look, all youse
gotta do is go over to da Disbursement Office. It's two dimensions
over, den youse take a right. Ya can't miss it. If youse can work
out a repayment schedule wid dem, they'll give ya a paper. Youse
bring that paper back to me and youse gets da book back. But da
Disbursement Office will be closed before youse get der. Youse will
have ta come back in da mornin'. Shouldn't take more den a few days
to get dis prolem worked out"
"You son of a," began Piper.
"Hey lady," said the demon, "flatterin' me ain't gonna git yer
book back fer ya. We got rules here and I follow 'em, understand?
Just go to da Disbursement Office and git it worked out wid dem den ya
get yer book back. Dat's it."
"Great," said Phoebe. "What are we going to do without the book
for several days."
"I don't know," said Piper. "Without the book we can't get most
of the information we need on demons."
"Well, at least Phoebe doesn't need the book to write most of
her Power of Three spells," said Paige. "That's something at least."
"Hey, lady," said the demon.
"What?" snapped Piper.
"Not you," said the demon, pointing at Paige. "Her."
"What?" asked Paige, her patience nearly as thin as Pipers'.
"What was dat youse said about da Power of Tree?" asked the
demon.
"I said Phoebe doesn't need the Book of Shadows to write most of
the Power of Three spells," said Paige.
"Who's Phoebe?" asked the demon.
"I am," said Phoebe.
"You write Power of Tree spells?' questioned the demon.
"Yeah, most of them," said Phoebe.
"I guess dat makes you one a dese Charmed Ones, huh?" asked the
demon.
"We all are," said Phoebe. "These are my sisters, Piper and
Paige. We're the Charmed Ones."
"Her too?" asked the demon.
"No," snapped Piper sarcastically, "I'm the Source of all Evil.
Yes, I'm a Charmed One."
"Well, lady, why didn't youse just say so," said the demon,
turning toward the back of the room. "Herman, bring me lot number
2271463-9857721-8864392-B. It's a book. A big book."
"Herman?" questioned Paige. "They have demons named Guido and
Herman."
Several moments later a small demon came out of the back room
lugging the Book of Shadows behind it. The larger demon behind the
desk picked up the book and dropped it on the desk.
"Now den," said the demon, "all youse gotta do is produce proof
dat youse is one of dese Charmed Ones."
Pipers' patience was not totally gone. She raised her hands and
the demon exploded into a thousand shards. Almost instantly the demon
reconstituted in the chair where it was sitting.
"I guess dat'll do," said the demon as if nothing had happened.
He handed several papers to Piper. "Now, fill dese out and turn 'em
into da Disbursement Office. I'll mark yer file as exempt temporarily
until we git da official paperwork bad from dem."
"Mark it exempt?" questioned Piper.
"Yeah," said the demon. "It's only temporary until we git the
da official paperwork back from da Disbursement Office, but dat won't
take more den a day or two after you turn dem in."
"Okay, I don't understand," said Paige.
"Look," said the demon, "youse da Charmed Ones, right?
Vanquishin' demons, protecting' da innocent, stuff like dat? No magic
for personal gain, right?"
"Yeah, so?" questioned Phoebe.
"Dat makes youse a charitable organization," said the demon.
"Youse knows, a not for profit company and all dat stuff? Dat makes
youse exempt from dese taxes just like any udder charity."
"You mean we don't owe those taxes?" asked Leo.
"Mister, youse is a charity, understand?" asked the demon.
"Charities don't pay no taxes. It's in da code. Youse can take yer
book and go home. Just don't fergit to fill out da paperwork at da
Disbursement Office."
"Finally," said Piper.
"Looks like youse is about due der, lady," said the demon to
Piper.
"Pretty soon," said Piper, trying to keep her temper in check.
"You know, Angus," said the demon, "Angus is a great name fer a kid."
"Angus?" questioned Paige. "Your name is Angus?"
'Hey, like I told you, lady," said the demon, "we all ain't got
dem fancy shmancy names like da big mucky mucks upstairs."
"I'm having a girl," said Piper, slowly and deliberately.
"Well," said the demon, "my wife's name is Louise."
"Leo," said Piper, picking up the Book of Shadows, "get me out
of here. NOW!"
The End
If you've enjoyed this story, you can find more "Charmed"
stories at my website, www.geocities.com/killeenmale/ . You can also
post your own "Charmed" stories if you like to write fan fiction.
"THE REPO MAN"
by J. B. Tilton
email: aramath@isot.com
Rating: G
Disclaimer: "Charmed" and all related characters and events are
the property of the WB television network, except for those characters
specifically created for this story. This is a work of fan fiction
and no infringement of copyright is intended.
* * *
The Book of Shadows is repossessed.
* * *
Paige finished breakfast and headed for the attic. She was
eager to get back to her studies of the Craft. Since she had quit her
job to devote herself fulltime to her studies, she had made amazing
progress.
She was especially eager today. Lately, she had been
researching a general protection spell. If she could perfect that, it
would go a long way in the sisters' fight against evil.
She walked into the attic and looked around. Everything seemed
to be in place. There had been little demonic activity of late.
Apparently news that Piper was virtually invincible had spread among
the underworld denizens. No sense in fighting someone who couldn't be
defeated.
Paige took several steps into the attic and then stopped cold.
The podium where the Book of Shadows was usually kept was empty. The
Book of Shadows was nowhere to be seen.
* * *
"What do you mean gone?" asked Piper. "How could the Book of
Shadows be gone?"
"I don't know," said Paige. "I searched the entire attic. It's
just not there. All that was up there was this."
She held out a piece of paper for her sisters and Leo to see.
It was covered in strange characters. Something that looked like a
logo could be seen in the upper right corner.
"I know that," said Phoebe. "I saw some of it when I was in the
underworld. It's some sort of demonic writing."
"It's called generic demonese," said Leo. "It's a special form
of writing that's used by . . . certain demons."
"You can read this?" asked Paige.
"Well, yeah," said Leo. "All White Lighters can."
"What sort of demons?" asked Piper.
"Piper, just stay calm," said Leo. "It's not good to get
yourself all worked up like this."
"What sort of demons?" Piper demanded again, more forcefully.
"Well," said Leo, looking at the sisters very nervously, "to be
perfectly honest, it's used mostly by bureaucracy demons."
"Not again," cried Piper. "Will we ever be free of those
things?"
"Leo, what does it say?" asked Phoebe.
"Let's see," said Leo, looking at the paper. "It appears to be
from the Other World Credit and Collection Agency. According to this,
the Book of Shadows has been repossessed."
"Repossessed?" questioned Paige. "What do you mean
repossessed?"
"This says that the required payments and standard taxes haven't
been received on the book," said Leo. "There's an address here for
complaints and conflict resolutions."
"Okay, fine," said Piper. "We're supposed to be exempt from
taxes, right? Leo, get your White Lighter credentials and the
paperwork we got from the IRS. Paige, you get your paperwork, too.
The ones you got at your hearing. Let's just go get this cleared up
before I start blowing up demons just for general nuisance."
* * *
Leo and the sisters sat in a small dingy office for what seemed
like an eternity. Behind the desk sat a red demon with horns, a tail,
and black eyes. It wore a T-shirt that looked as if it had never been
cleaned. As it filed through papers, it puffed on a half burned
cigar.
"Okay, next," said the demon finally, with an accent more than
reminiscent of a Brooklyn accent. "What can I do you for?"
"I want the Book of Shadows back," snapped Piper. "We've been
down here for hours and they keep shuffling us from one office to
another. They told us you're the one who actually took it. I want it
back now."
"Book of Shadows, Book of Shadows," muttered the demon as he
shuffled through a stack of papers. "Oh, yeah, here it is. Yeah, it
was repoed dis mornin'."
"Repoed?" questioned Piper. "What do you mean repoed? You had
no right to take it. That book belongs to us."
"Read da paperwork, lady," said the demon. "Youse ain't paid
none a da taxes due on it. So we repoed it. Standard procedure."
"Look," said Leo, "I'm a White Lighter. Here are my credentials
and a statement from the IRS. They told us we were exempt from any
taxes because our home is my embassy on the mortal plane."
"Yeah," said the demon, "youse exempt from income tax. Check
the statute, fella. It don't exempt youse from property taxes or
inheritance taxes. That's why we repoed the book, understand?"
"What?" demanded Piper. "What property taxes?"
"Dis book," said the demon, "it's your property, right?"
"Yes, it is," said Piper.
"Der ya go," said the demon, "property taxes. It's like yer
house. Youse might own it, but youse still gotta pay taxes on it,
right? Same ting wid da book. And youse must have got da book from
someone when they passed over. Ergo, inheritance tax."
"I don't believe this," said Piper.
'Listen, lady," said the demon, "I don't make da rules. I just
do what they tell me to do. We got a order to repo the book so we
repoed the book. Case closed."
"You broke into our house and stole it," protested Phoebe.
"Hey, look missy," said the demon, "my guys don't do nothun'
illegal. Dey does tings by da book. Da law gives 'em the right to go
into someone's residence to retrieve property. And let me tell ya, if
Guido, who did the repo on dis book, went into yer house he had every
right to."
"Guido?" questioned Paige. "You have a demon names Guido?"
"Whatcha tink?" asked the demon. "Youse tink we all got them
fancy names Like Malevant or Beelzbor or like dat? We's just working
stiffs like everyone else. Bottom line is ya had da book for sometin'
like five years. Ya ain't paid no taxes on it in all dat time. We
got an order to repo, so we did. My hands are tied."
"What do we have to do to get the book back?" asked Leo.
"Pay da outstanding taxes," said the demon. "Look, all youse
gotta do is go over to da Disbursement Office. It's two dimensions
over, den youse take a right. Ya can't miss it. If youse can work
out a repayment schedule wid dem, they'll give ya a paper. Youse
bring that paper back to me and youse gets da book back. But da
Disbursement Office will be closed before youse get der. Youse will
have ta come back in da mornin'. Shouldn't take more den a few days
to get dis prolem worked out"
"You son of a," began Piper.
"Hey lady," said the demon, "flatterin' me ain't gonna git yer
book back fer ya. We got rules here and I follow 'em, understand?
Just go to da Disbursement Office and git it worked out wid dem den ya
get yer book back. Dat's it."
"Great," said Phoebe. "What are we going to do without the book
for several days."
"I don't know," said Piper. "Without the book we can't get most
of the information we need on demons."
"Well, at least Phoebe doesn't need the book to write most of
her Power of Three spells," said Paige. "That's something at least."
"Hey, lady," said the demon.
"What?" snapped Piper.
"Not you," said the demon, pointing at Paige. "Her."
"What?" asked Paige, her patience nearly as thin as Pipers'.
"What was dat youse said about da Power of Tree?" asked the
demon.
"I said Phoebe doesn't need the Book of Shadows to write most of
the Power of Three spells," said Paige.
"Who's Phoebe?" asked the demon.
"I am," said Phoebe.
"You write Power of Tree spells?' questioned the demon.
"Yeah, most of them," said Phoebe.
"I guess dat makes you one a dese Charmed Ones, huh?" asked the
demon.
"We all are," said Phoebe. "These are my sisters, Piper and
Paige. We're the Charmed Ones."
"Her too?" asked the demon.
"No," snapped Piper sarcastically, "I'm the Source of all Evil.
Yes, I'm a Charmed One."
"Well, lady, why didn't youse just say so," said the demon,
turning toward the back of the room. "Herman, bring me lot number
2271463-9857721-8864392-B. It's a book. A big book."
"Herman?" questioned Paige. "They have demons named Guido and
Herman."
Several moments later a small demon came out of the back room
lugging the Book of Shadows behind it. The larger demon behind the
desk picked up the book and dropped it on the desk.
"Now den," said the demon, "all youse gotta do is produce proof
dat youse is one of dese Charmed Ones."
Pipers' patience was not totally gone. She raised her hands and
the demon exploded into a thousand shards. Almost instantly the demon
reconstituted in the chair where it was sitting.
"I guess dat'll do," said the demon as if nothing had happened.
He handed several papers to Piper. "Now, fill dese out and turn 'em
into da Disbursement Office. I'll mark yer file as exempt temporarily
until we git da official paperwork bad from dem."
"Mark it exempt?" questioned Piper.
"Yeah," said the demon. "It's only temporary until we git the
da official paperwork back from da Disbursement Office, but dat won't
take more den a day or two after you turn dem in."
"Okay, I don't understand," said Paige.
"Look," said the demon, "youse da Charmed Ones, right?
Vanquishin' demons, protecting' da innocent, stuff like dat? No magic
for personal gain, right?"
"Yeah, so?" questioned Phoebe.
"Dat makes youse a charitable organization," said the demon.
"Youse knows, a not for profit company and all dat stuff? Dat makes
youse exempt from dese taxes just like any udder charity."
"You mean we don't owe those taxes?" asked Leo.
"Mister, youse is a charity, understand?" asked the demon.
"Charities don't pay no taxes. It's in da code. Youse can take yer
book and go home. Just don't fergit to fill out da paperwork at da
Disbursement Office."
"Finally," said Piper.
"Looks like youse is about due der, lady," said the demon to
Piper.
"Pretty soon," said Piper, trying to keep her temper in check.
"You know, Angus," said the demon, "Angus is a great name fer a kid."
"Angus?" questioned Paige. "Your name is Angus?"
'Hey, like I told you, lady," said the demon, "we all ain't got
dem fancy shmancy names like da big mucky mucks upstairs."
"I'm having a girl," said Piper, slowly and deliberately.
"Well," said the demon, "my wife's name is Louise."
"Leo," said Piper, picking up the Book of Shadows, "get me out
of here. NOW!"
The End
If you've enjoyed this story, you can find more "Charmed"
stories at my website, www.geocities.com/killeenmale/ . You can also
post your own "Charmed" stories if you like to write fan fiction.