Maura clasped her hands together. She played with her restless fingers, yearning to reach out and touch the woman next to her. But she wouldn't dare. She could hear the inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale. In and out. The only useful thing Jane picked up from yoga, calm breathing. Over the squeak of Jane moving against her plastic seat, Maura itched to speak.
"There's a 35 percent chance Jan-"
"I know the chances Maura," it wasn't hostile. Just worried and impatient. "It's not your fault, either way."
But Maura didn't believe that. And she didn't think that Jane truly believed it either. Maybe on the surface but on a deeper level there would always be blame.
"Dr. Isles-Rizzoli, good morning," came a firm voice.
"Dr. Hammond, good morning," Maura nodded politely. She tried to ooze optimism, as if it could change the outcome but it was taking strength that she just didn't have.
"Hey." Jane let out gruffly, shortly.
The older gentleman, Maura's doctor of 4 years took the seat behind the desk in front of them.
"Maura," he breathed out, pinching the bridge of his nose, "you knew the chances."
"I did," she confirmed. She didn't even feel like starting up her google speak.
"The chances were very low."
"But the chance was there. I had a 35 percen-"
"Only 35. And chances are, the specialist you dealt with added on 20% just so you'd take the treatment. Your chances were probably nearer the 15% level."
"I'll kill him," Jane growled. "All the time, all the money. She put her body through hell!" Jane seethed. Maura watched tensely, as Jane dug her fingernails into her armrest.
"So you're saying it didn't take?" Maura asked.
"I'm so sorry. It didn't take and I'm afraid that were out of options. You know it's not your fault Maura. You can't control this. Some women just aren't-"
"Don't. Don't tell me I wasn't meant to be a mother." Maura gasped for the last time. She'd heard it enough. From too many people.
"I'm sorry."
"Let's go Maura, I've had enough." And Jane was leading Maura out of the office by the hand before she could even respond.
The drive was silent as Jane grasped the wheel with everything she had. To Maura she looked angry, sick and tired. She couldn't tell that Jane was just trying with everything she could not to cry. Trying to be strong for the woman who had just been told that she would never carry a child. She didn't know that Jane was beyond devastated that there would never be a bouncy little blonde with hazel eyes, busting at the seams with fun facts for her mommies, running around their house. The world would never see a mini Maura and that caused a pain within Jane that was so tremendous, she could barely speak.
"It could still happen you know. There are hundreds of women who are told that they will never have children but somehow, naturally, they do. Especially with today's advances in medical knowledge and technology. I've read dozens of studies and research papers about women who-"
And Jane knew, she knew her wife was doing everything she could just to make her happy. Coming up with reason after reason and putting her body through treatment after treatment, just for her.
"Maura we've tried. We have tried everything babe. We don't have the option of it just happening naturally. A miraculous accident will never happen with us."
And Maura fell silent. She finally let the feeling wash over her. The feelings of sadness, failure and longing. But it was all just so much to process and she just stared blankly out the window.
When they finally arrived home, neither of them spoke. Not even when they passed the bright pink stuffed basketball and the red baby Nikes that Jane had bought on a whim and left on the kitchen island for good luck. They showered separately, ate separately, did everything for the rest of the day separately. Not because they were angry with each other, but because they both needed time, their own time to mourn the loss of what could have been. When they finally came together it was nearing midnight and both were exhausted, physically and mentally. Jane plopped onto the bed, with a heavy huff, next to Maura who lay fiddling with her wedding rings.
"We'll both feel better in the morning, Maur. I promise." Jane finally said, reaching over to grab one of Maura's hands.
Maura rolled into her side, propping herself up on her elbow to stare at her wife. Jane avoided eye contact, staring down at their joined hands.
"Jane," Maura breathed softly.
"Yes?" Jane finally answered.
"There's something I would like you to do for me."
"Anything," Jane's eyes darted up to take in her wife.
"Leave me."
Jane sighed, "If you need more time, I understand. But I really don't want to sleep alone toni-"
"I don't mean for just a moment. I mean for forever."
"What?" Jane spat quickly as she dropped Maura's hand, startling away from her.
"I love you so much," Maura began, sitting up as tears formed in her eyes, "I love you so much that it scares me sometimes. Jane I've never had something like this before in my life. Even with my parents, as a child I would think about what would happen if they abandoned me or if they died but it didn't scare me. Because they had always left me alone, they had always hurt me. Being away from them didn't hurt. But with you it's not like that, I'm afraid of losing you, just the thought hurts me. I don't think I could take it if you left me, if you just packed up one day and decided to go. But I would understand and that's why I'm telling you, in this moment, right now to leave. I may not be so understanding later on." Maura paused to sniffle before she continued.
"I can't give you everything you want and all that you deserve. You only live once and if a child is something that you want, you should have it. You should have as many as you can, as many as you want. If you can't have that with me, I want you to go somewhere else and be with someone who can give you all that and more."
Jane stared at Maura, just watched. "Why would you say something like that? Maura why would you ever think any of this- this bullshit! I want a child, yes, I want one so bad! But I want one with you, not anyone else. The only reason I pushed this so hard and wanted this so bad is because I had this picture, this image in my mind. It was this little girl with blonde hair and hazel eyes. A ridiculously beautiful baby that all the other parents would be jealous of. And she would be smart Maura, so smart. She would learn things that I never could and she would teach me something new every day. She would never shut up, even when it drove me crazy, she would ramble on and on, spouting facts she found in a book in the library. Because she would go to library, Maur, she would. Unlike one of her mothers, she would actually know where the library was. And the only thing that I would ever ask of her is that she tries out for the ball team so we could play catch in the backyard while you drank lemonade on the deck. It was you baby, you were the only reason I wanted any of it. I just wanted another piece of you in the world. I wanted our love to be bigger than just me and you."
And then Maura knew that she had never had reason to doubt her wife.
"So," And finally for the first time that day Jane saw the real Maura, wide-eyed and curious, "You're not going to leave me?"
And despite the tears in both their eyes, Jane let out a small chuckle, "Never."
Maura sighed, rolling over and pushing Jane flat on her back. Like a small child she rolled over onto her wife and with her knees on both sides of Jane's hips, lay down, curling her head under Jane's chin. Jane felt a sense of relief wash over her as she reached up, toying with her wife's hair.
"We'll never have a baby," Maura mumbled calmly into Jane's skin.
"That's not true," Jane brushed her fingertips up Maura's spin, causing her to shiver. "We have other options. We could always adopt and not just some fancy baby from another country like all the celebrities. We could get a kid from right here in Boston, Maura. In our line of work we see kids all the time who need homes and good parents. We'll find a way sweetie, if we want it bad enough. We always do."
"You could always carry the baby?"
"Maur, we talked about this. With my work and everything it just wouldn't be-"
"I know, I just love the thought of a dark haired little Jane running around the house."
"You do, do you?" Jane asked, poking Maura in the sides, finally getting her to laugh.
"Yes, I kind of do." Maura laughed, finally looking up to meet Jane's eyes.
"Come here," Jane whispered.
And Maura leaned down, their lips meeting in a sweet kiss. She took a moment to suck her wife's bottom lip between her lips, reveling in the sweet familiar taste.
"And at least for now we can still enjoy "us" time, anytime."
"That is an amazing point Mrs. Rizzoli," Jane agreed, pushing Maura off and rolling on top of her, "I wouldn't mind some "us" time, right now in fact. It was a long lonely day keeping myself away from you. I missed you babe," Jane whispered the last part as she leaned down to capture Maura's lips once again.
And the next morning when they woke up, tangled in each other, they still hurt. But they hurt together. Everyday got a little bit better and after a few months they were able to pass Baby Gap without Maura breaking down in hysterics. Every day the hurt became less and their love became stronger. Because it was just like Jane had said; when they wanted it bad enough, they always found a way.
[A/N] Reviews make my heart happy. Please let me know how you thought I portrayed the relationship and the situation. Also I would love some ideas for some one-shots or some chapter stories if you have any ideas you'd like to see me do. Thanks!