The rain falls in torrents as we escort the casket through the graveyard to its final resting place. I am one of the bearers, with Spencer walking alongside me. I´d expected him to be a nervous wreck, to break down, spew out facts, anything other then what he is doing now; walking silently at my side without shedding a tear.
We reach the open grave and some of the workers gently lower the coffin into the open hole. The priest begins to entone his supposed words of wisdom but I find no comfort in his words, in much the same way when I lost Hayley. Spencer stands on the edge of the grave of his husband and I stand beside him, a comforting presence should he need one. In the middle of the proceedings, Spencer´s mother has one of her fits and has to be escorted away by J.J. who has taken on the role of carer for the afternoon.
I cannot conceal my worry for the young man at my side. He stares ahead, lost in his own world and his eyes are cold, his jaw set. I begin to wonder at whether he is having a psychological break of some sort, when he finally reaches out and grabs my hand. I squeeze his fingers gently in comfort, and suddenly, as the priest relays the final words, Spencer finally looks upon me and I see the tears in his eyes. My own almost brim over at the loss of a man I cared for and greatly admired.
Once the workers begin to shovel dirt over the coffin, our ways seperate. Dave takes me aside and Prentiss has decided to take care of Spencer in J.J.´s absence. She has always had a soft spot for the younger man and he admires her greatly. Hardly unusal, seeing as she is the female version of me.
At the wake, we all share a table and the silence is deafening. It´s Garcia who breaks the silence and reminisces about when she almost thought she had betrayed Kevin with Morgan. I reminisce about the time Morgan stayed with a woman in a car when there was a bomb under her seat. He didn´t let go off her hand until the bomb had been defused. Spencer finally speaks up about how Morgan had helped him deal with his nightmares when he first began to work at the B.A.U. He even remembers with a smile when Morgan sang a Frank Sinatra song to him at their wedding as a surprise. Who would have guessed that Garcia´s handsome Adonis could also sing?
When the guests have finally left and the dishes have been cleared, I offer to drive Spencer home. He merely nods in acknowledgement and thanks everyone on the team who have stayed behind to help, for their input before walking out the door with me on his heels. During the ride back, the young man says nothing and I cannot find the words to express my sense of loss. It´s as if there is now a void in my life that wil never be filled. I know from my experience with Hayley that any words of sympathy will go unheard, therefore, I keep my mouth shut.
When we reach the house he shared with Morgan, Spencer turns to me and looks as if he might say something. Instead, before I can stop him, he has reached over and covered my lips with his. In the surprise of the moment, I hardly know how to react before sharply pushing him away. I may want this man but not like this, when he is hurt, angry and vulnerable.
I can see the disappointment in Spencer´s eyes when he gazes up at me but before I can apologise, he is out of the car and in the house. I´m about to go after him, when a shadow appears out of the corner of my eye. It´s a familiar shape wearing a shirt and jeans. It takes me a moment to comprehend that it´s Gideon. He waves at me and I know he will not be alone this night. I wave back and go home to my son.
For the next few weeks, Spencer comes to work and sits at his desk doing paperwork. I try to speak with him of his loss, but he refuses to discuss Morgan in any way, shape or form. Work is his escape, and he has even removed the picture of him and Morgan which always stood on his desk. His wedding ring can also no longer be seen. J.J. tries to approach him but is berated and sent away with her tail between her legs. The rest of us know that if she was unsuccessful, we don´t stand a chance. I know that as his supervisor, I should intervene, but since his paperwork skills are highly efficient and no new case has been dropped into our lap due to our recent loss, I see no reason to forbid him from coming to work. After speaking with Gideon who assures me he is with Reid each and every night, I know I have done all I can and wait silently for the endgame.