A/N: So this fic popped into my head after reading a list of reasons John and Joss should/shouldn't get together. Thanks again to Maddsgirl75 for beta-ing
As always I own nothing : (
John watched her from the dark corner booth inside the restaurant. The lighting was dim adding to the intimate feel of the place. Joss was there with the man (if you could call him that) she'd been seeing for the past several months. On paper he was the perfect complement to her; he was a lawyer for a firm who specialized in pro bono work, a do-gooder, someone who could relate to Joss and her moral compass. In the six months that she continued to see this guy, Edward, John had not seen the familiar wrinkle that often formed between her brows when she spoke to John. She rarely wore her trademark glare that signified she was clearly irritated by the turn of events, and recounting the several laws that she was about to break. John only witnessed her full blown smiles and the way she tilted her head back and laughed with her entire heart.
John felt his jaw clench as he watched Edward touch Joss's forearm and lean into whisper something sensual in her ear. John could tell from the way she dipped her head, looking up through her lashes that she was embarrassed, but intrigued by what was whispered. He also noted the blush that seemed to radiate below the surface of her skin adding to her glow. The blush only served to complement her already flawless skin. He watched as she brought her wine glass to her perfectly shaped mouth; another smile forming on her deep berry painted lips, as she savored the taste.
He had to admit, he was surprised that Edward had lasted this long. If the fact that Joss was a single mom, veteran, or a cop had not intimidated the average man, the canceling of dates or the sporadic moments they were alone would surely put them off. Joss was complex, and her femininity and tenacity were abundant; in short, she was a handful for any man, but for John she was just right. Edward excused himself, leaving Joss alone with just enough time for John to make his move. He pulled out his phone, moving his fingers over the keys as he punched in her number. He listened to the ringing in the phone while he waited for her to reach into her purse and pick up. She obliged, just as John knew she would; there was no denying that the chemistry was still there, even after all that had transpired between them.
Joss placed the phone to her ear. She refrained from saying anything and just listened to the steady breathing at the other end. She was running out of ways to explain herself to John. She knew he wasn't the type of man to beg and frankly she didn't want him to. She sighed; finally giving in. She did want to see John, and still felt a magnetic pull towards him, but she was too stubborn to admit it to his face.
"We can talk. Meet me later." She said, hanging up the phone just in time for Edward to return to the table. "Everything alright?" He asked, noticing the exasperated expression on her face. Joss quickly smiled, touching his hand and leaning in close to reassure him.
"Everything is fine, just Taylor checking in. Now, where were we?" Edward continued his conversation with Joss, chiming in with the occasional 'oh really', or simply offering a smile. She casually glanced around the restaurant hoping to catch a glimpse of John but ultimately she knew it was futile. He was a phantom when circumstances called for it, constantly slipping through her fingers and leaving her wondering if he ever really existed.
John exited the restaurant; choosing to walk to his apartment instead of taking the car. He needed time to get his head together. The momentary high he felt from Joss finally agreeing to speak with him was destroyed when she left with Edward in his car and headed in the direction of his apartment. John knew he was pushing it by keeping tabs on Joss and her romantic involvements but he would not overstep his boundaries and add voyeurism to his laundry list of questionable activities. John had checked out Edward's background and followed him when he realized that he and Carter were becoming close. Edward was clean; a regular stand-up guy, but John still felt the urge to take a tire iron to his knees whenever the bastard touched her. On many occasions he found himself wondering just how Edward was able to talk his way into her bed. He was only a few years younger than Joss but he seemed so reserved that he made Finch look like a convict. They must have had Edward in mind when they coined the phrase 'things aren't always as they seem'. Sometimes the man looked so clean that John thought there was no way that Edward could understand how to fully appreciate Joss's body.
John continued walking as he flexed his palms open and closed again into a fist. Would he understand that despite her hard exterior, she relished being handled with gentle touches and soft caresses? Was he able to pick up the honey undertone that made up the smell that was uniquely Joss? John thought he looked like the type of man that would kiss and touch around the rather large, jagged scar on her thigh that had earned her the Purple Heart she kept tucked away with her army paraphernalia and her husband's picture. He also thought he would be the type of man who saw her flaws as a problem to solve, instead of embracing them the way John did and the way Joss attempted to with him; before said flaws divided them. He made his way up the stairs and entered his apartment. John removed his suit and lay in bed, eyes open, staring at the ceiling.
After dinner with Edward Joss found herself in front of John's apartment door. Edward had insisted she stay the night at his place but she declined; making up some story about Taylor. She felt guilty about using her son as an excuse but she couldn't be intimate with Edward, not with John on her mind. She knew firsthand what it felt like to know there was a shadow on your lover's mind. There was no sense in delaying the inevitable and John was persistent. If she planned on continuing with Edward she would have to clear up a few things with John before she could truly move on. She raised her hand giving a firm knock on the door.
John answered the door dressed in his pajamas bottoms and a white undershirt. He stepped back allowing Joss to enter. She stepped through the threshold casting a sideways glance in his direction and headed over to the small coffee table. She pulled out two chairs, pushing one towards John and she sat down on the other, crossing her legs. They looked at one another before she began.
"What can I do for you John?" She asked in a neutral tone. She could feel John's gaze evaluating and memorizing her appearance.
The moonlight shone through the large windows in his apartment casting Joss in an ethereal light. He tilted his head and flashed his trademark grin. "You look great Joss, Edward is treating you well." The disdain in his voice was not lost on her.
"He is... and since he has managed to keep his kneecaps intact, I trust you've been making sure of that." She replied coolly.
Silence fell between them and Joss took the moment to drink in John. She had been sure that by now, she would've been over the effect he had on her, but being this close to him was driving her to distraction. She needed to stay focused and address the elephant in the room.
"John you have to stop following me. I'm a grown woman, which means I'm capable of handling my own love life."
"I'm just a concerned third party Joss, you've only know this man for 6 months. That' hardly enough time to figure out if he is hiding something."
"He isn't, I've checked." She replied more than a little annoyed "And on the off chance that I missed something, it isn't anything I can't handle."
The truth was there was one obstacle that Joss could not compete with, Jessica. Joss always knew that John would never fully let go of his feelings towards the blonde and she understood that. Despite the time that had passed since her husband died, she never really got over it but she'd learned to move on with her life and had not remained haunted by the pain of his loss. John however, became stagnant, and after the New Rochelle case Joss finally had all the pieces to the puzzle of Jessica and John.
"You and I both know that's a lie Detective." He said, fixing his steely gaze on her.
"Don't John, we've been over this, God knows how many times. You- we were not ready. End of story." She raised her hand; signaling the end of the discussion and moved to leave the apartment. Joss realized that nothing had really changed and she was not going to hurt her own feelings... not this time, not when she knew better.
John reached out grabbing her arm and turning her around to face him. "I was ready. I am ready." He said, moving closer, further invading her personal space. He thought that Joss, of all people, would understand his feelings towards Jessica.
"You're not John. No matter how much you want to be, you haven't grieved over Jessica and until you do, anything we have will be haunted by it. Repressing it won't help." Joss raised her free hand and brought it up to John's face, caressing his skin. He closed his eyes leaning into her touch. John released her arm and pulled Joss flush against him burying his face in her neck; inhaling her scent one last time.
"I do love you Joss." He whispered into her skin. She smiled stroking the back of his neck before releasing him and looking up into his eyes.
"I know you do...but you love Jessica more. The space left for me in your heart isn't enough, at least not right now."
After New Rochelle, when she had given him the picture from Jessica's jewelry box, things had changed; Jessica became tangible to someone other than himself and despite the trust that he placed in Joss, he was not ready to share that regret with her. Instead of bringing them together, his grief pushed Joss away. His dreams of Jessica became more frequent and if it wasn't for the numbers, John was sure he would have ended up back with Joan; drowning his sorrows in cheap whiskey. He watched Joss exit his apartment and then returned to his bed pulling out the picture of Jessica before returning it to its place, silently wishing Joss had done what he lacked the strength to do.
Let me know what you think!